cyscheer Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 My wife is in the last stages of her life. She has stage 4 colon cancer, She is in hospice care here at home. I am not handling this very well. She is no longer able to swallow water or food. She has 1 or 2 days left. I am nearing a nervous breakdown. I don't know how l am going to get on with my life without her. The hospice social worker told me I should not be here. I am angry,sad, depressed and suicidal. If anyone has gone through this,any help would be helpful. Thanks Cy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Dear Cy, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I do remember 3 years ago this month, knowing that my husband had 1 or 2 days to live. I was in absolute shock even though he had been sick a long time. I chose to be with him and hold him as he died and I do not regret that but you have to make your own decision regarding that. I know it seems impossible to think of life without her. It felt like that to me when Bill, the love of my life, died. We here have all lost a spouse recently...some 8 years ago, 3 years ago, one or nine months ago...and though it seems impossible to conceive of life without her, somehow we all have survived one day at a time and with the love and support of people here, some with grief counselors or support groups and some with all of the above as I chose to do. I never thought I would make it this far but we all do. Try not to think beyond the next couple of days so that you can be present at least emotionally, if not physically, when your wife dies. After that it will be one day at a time and everyone here will help you through these dark days. Do keep posting. People will respond..give them time and you will in short time be a part of this supportive and loving group and we all know this pain. We do not judge, we support. We get it. Do you have children? a support group of friends or family? Hospice will provide you with information about support groups and grief counseling. You can do this. We are all living proof of this. If anyone thought it could not be done...I am here to say I was one of them...but I am doing much better now...feeling your feelings and sharing all help to heal. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyscheer Posted March 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Thank You Mary, I have gone to a beavement support group the last 2 weeks. They have been incredibly helpful loving and caring. I was happy I was invited to the group even though my wife has not passed. I knew early on I was not going to handle this well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Dear Cy, We are with you in spirit. We hold you in our hearts. I am so very sorry you are on this journey. Not quite thirteen months ago, I held my beloved husband in my arms, prayed with him, told him again and again how much I loved him. I read our favorite poem to him. I sang him the Goodbye Love Song I learned from my Scottish ancestors, which I learned from my Grandmother Stuart. I told him I was wrapping all my love around him, to keep him warm while he was off, playing in the stars. I held him in my arms. I kissed him, and held his hand. I got to tell him I loved him a lot of times. His last words were that he loved me, and then, just before he left, he looked up, beamed the most radiant smile,and said. "Oh, Wow!" I would not trade our last hours together for all of this grief and pain. It was a blessing beyond words, and now, I am healing and growing, and learning new levels of faith, and new levels of Love, and learning so much about myself, and being eternally grateful for our Love. Love each other every second, with your whole awareness. There is nothing else that matters. Much Love and Blessings, *<twinkles>* feralfae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 No one handles the loss of a beloved spouse well. Your entire life is upsidedown. The person you shared everything with is no longer available to you. Normal is no longer normal. I am soooooooo glad you are in a group....don't miss a meeting. You might want to go to this site: www.griefhealing.com It is Marty's site. Marty is our wonderful moderator. There are many articles there on anticipatory grief and on grieving and loss and just about any related topic. Right now being with your wife is important...but on your breaks, perhaps read an article there if it feels right. There will be plenty of time to do so later. People will gradually respond to you. I am glad you started your own topic as that means people will not miss your post. Keep posting. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron B. Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Dear cyscheer, Many of us here have been with a dying family member in their last days. With me it was my Mom. I was with her as she took her last breaths. Know that you are doing the right things. You are easing your wife's passage through the last days of her life. About the intense emotions of grief, find whatever support you can here, through family, friends, and counseling. Most of us have been rocked by tidal waves of grief; you are not alone in that. Grief is not something we can control. Somehow we have to learn how to pass through it. It is never easy. You can post of your grief, and at least you will be understood. We have a professional grief counselor here, Marty, who can respond to the difficult questions. The rest of us are ordinary people, enduring our grief and learning how to cope. Welcome to our forums. Ron B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 My dear Cy, I am so deeply sorry for the raw pain you are going through right now. We are a forum of very caring and understanding grievers who will be with you during this difficult time. All of your feelings that you are experiencing right now are perfectly normal. You and your dear wife make the decision to do what is best for you. No one can tell you that you should or should not be with your wife during her last days. Talk with her. Tell her you love her. Touch her and softly tell her how much you'll miss her. Let her know that you will be alright. Let her know that it is ok to go. You will be alright, Cy. Use the time to just be with her. Cherish those moments. My beloved Jim passed away only nine months ago after a five year battle with Alzheimer's disease. I could not have spent enough time with him. Our HOV angels were so supportive. You will know what you want to do and that is the only thing that matters. Peace during these difficult times. We are here for you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyscheer Posted March 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Thank you all for your love and support. I feel lost because she can not communicate anymore. I look at our bed and feel so lonely knowing I won't have my darling next to me. How do I get over the loneliness. It seems to come in waves. It helps a lot writing to this group. Thanks for being there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 It does come in waves....from gentle ones that wash past your feet to tsunamis that seem to pull us out and under. We get through it one day, even one hour at a time...patience, trust, support. It is not a fun journey and you will be and already are a different person than you were before this happened. Bill could not respond the last 5 days if not 14 days of his life. I know that helpless feeling. I sat up 24/7 holding him and holding his hand, talking to him, playing his favorite chorale. One day at a time...we are here. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Cy, I was told that hearing was the last sense to go. She can hear you and she does know that you are there with her. You will know what to do. Grieving will come later and only in very small doses. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. You are not alone. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Thank you Anne, for that reminder. Yes, I was told the same thing by hospice. Cy, I am so very sorry for your pain and loss. We will be here to journey with you. Please let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it. Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Cy, I am so sorry. Facing your dearest loved one's impending death is surely the hardest day one can have...only topped by "the day" itself. My husband died of heart trouble and we didn't know until that fatal weekend he even had a heart condition...when we got the results of the test though, we knew it was inevitable, he had already suffered a major heart attack that had severely damaged his heart and it was amazing he'd lived as long as he had. I will say this...when I learned he died, it was the most devastating news I'd ever received and my world was shattered...but I am here nearly eight years later and have somehow lived with the help of the people here on this site. This is the most amazing site full of the most wonderful caring people I've ever come across, and each of us will be there for you if you should so desire. I'm not sure what the worker meant by you should not be there? One thing that has really helped me is to try and stay in the moment and not take on "the rest of my life" which can be overwhelming...this moment has enough challenges of its own. When my grandma had a major stroke that left her unable to communicate and in a vegetative state, my grandpa drove to the nursing home just a couple miles from their home, every day. He held her hand, he stroked her hair, he read her cards and letters from the grandkids and told her about his day, never knowing if she heard or not because she couldn't respond. That is love...it sounds like the kind of love you have had. I'm sure your presence is comfort to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Cy, so sorry for what you are going through. Thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a good place for understanding, we have all been through what you are starting to go through. I lost my husband a little over three years ago, very unexpected massive coronary, no warnings, symptoms or anything. Wishing for strength for you. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumkin Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 Dear Cy, So very sorry you are going through this journey that no one chooses to go through. I found so much support here and truly hope you come here to talk with all of us. I lost my love six months ago to a massive heart attack. I didn't get to hold him or say good bye to him while I frantically tried to give him CPR. They rushed him off in an ambulance, but it was actually too late when I found him in the carport. You have been given the gift to at least spend time with your beloved wife to hold her and talk to her. I pray the angels surround you and your wife through this difficult time. Pumkin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Cy, We are all thinking about you, sending prayers, holding you in our hearts. Please let us know how you are when you can drop by. Peace and Comfort to you, dear Cy. Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyscheer Posted March 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 I want to give you an update. Thanks for the thoughts love and prayers. Carolyn has said her goodbyes today with her eyes open a lot today. She didn't open them for 2 days. She can't smile but it seems like she tries to use her eyebrows and grunts when we talk to her. I love getting to see her blue eyes. I miss her voice. Her breathing is very fast. The hospice nurse says it is hard for the body to do that for long. I am very lonely. I miss my Carolyn Cy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Cy, I am so sorry it is time to say goodbye. I know you will cherish each moment, as you look into those blue eyes that have held so much love for you, and have seen you both through so much. Yes, one of the hardest emptinesses is the absence of the voice of our beloved. After a year, I still look around at a store or concert if I hear someone who sounds a bit like Doug's voice. Carolyn is communicating, and I know your heart hears her. Even when all she can do is be with you, your heart can hear her. I am so very, very sorry for this time of leaving. I hope you know how much the love and compassion, the caring and understanding of each of us here is with you. This is a time you will cherish forever, being with her to tell her you love her while she is with you, knowing she is carrying your love with her into the next transition. Blessings, Prayers, and Much Love to you both, as I type this through my tears, which I cry now to celebrate the wonder and beauty of your love for each other. We all hold you in our hearts. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Cy, Cherish these times with Carolyn as I know you are. I am so glad she has kept her eyes open and is communicating the best she can. I do know the loneliness. Just try to be with her during these moments. We are here for you. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Cy, You and your family are in my prayers. Words cannot explain what is in your heart right now so just be with your dear Carolyn. We are holding your close to our hearts on this forum. Whisper your I love you to her as she can hear you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 I hope this time is very special for the two of you. Do not be afraid for her, the passing is easier for them than it is for us. When George died, I begged him to hold on and he shook his head no...twice. I don't think they're afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Cy, I believe that death is like stepping into another room. It is most difficult usually for those of us who are left behind. Be with her. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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