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A Journey With Reminders


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I came home today pretty tired from the therapy dog evals and took a nap, ate a bowl of cereal heaped with Costco's gigantic blackberries and sort of collapsed into a chair only to find Fiddler on the Roof on TV (a favorite old movie). So I sat to watch it. Early into this movie the family gathers for Sabbath...and the blessing is sung (May the Lord protect and defend you... as sung here:

and as it was sung, my tears flowed like the Wisconsin River down my road. My brother, a Catholic priest and a good man blessed with a wonderful and strong voice sang this at each of my parent's funeral Masses; at my their 40th and 50th wedding anniversary celebration Masses; at the Masses of two of my close girlfriends; my Mom's 98th birthday post-14525-0-20955500-1362361207_thumb.j (she died at close to 100 in 2006 the day before Bill's birthday); and many other celebration (of life and death) Masses including, of course, Bill's and my wedding and finally Bill's funeral service...(each time changing a couple of the words to fit the occasion).

How little it takes to send me deep into the past...to memories of love and sadness...loss and joy...making me realize the richness of so much of my past; the pain of so many losses including the loss of the family celebrations themselves as we are so few now and spread across the country (the past is the past). I look forward with mixed feelings to September when we who are left will be together to celebrate my niece's wedding out east and yes, I am certain that blessing from Fiddler will be, once again, sung by a brother I love and whose life is now dependent one last drug that is working...for now. The last time we all gathered was Bill's funeral...and that is a blur. My sibs, (I love them deeply), could not figure out how to reach out to me after Bill died in spite of my repeated attempts to "instruct" them...so the love I feel so deeply for them is mixed with the pain of being unable to really share the loss of my Bill who they also loved.

I am very big on ritual. I believe ritual speaks to us at a deep deep level...cellular, quantum, and soul. I grew up with the rituals of the 40s and 50s and still use ritual in my life and in my practice... but with that history of ritual as a thread running deeply through my years, I weep easily even as a group gathers to sing Happy Birthday to anyone. I live with grief and joy, gratitude and sadness always and ever just beneath the surface of a very very thin membrane..if that. As did Bill.

And after pausing the TV to write, I turned it back to forward only to see Tevye and the butcher singing, "To Life" after Tevye gave his daughter to the butcher....and so it goes... the joy of Life coupled with the reality of a current issue...women's rights. But that is another story.....

Peace to all,

Mary

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This is such a wonderful movie, Mary. It is so sad yet so good. Thank you for sharing. As I said on the positive's thread this was one of Jim's very favorite movies. I moved it over here! You will have many memories to think about this month. Remember, you are not alone on this journey even though you have to make it on your own. Anne

Posted by mistake on the Positive Thread! Tired is setting in...

Oh Mary, my Jim loved this movie. I can't tell you how many times I have seen it. What memories! I hope you really are going to have an easy week. I'm glad you are getting into your painting. Jim's favorite song from Fiddler on the Roof was 'If I were a Rich Man" - he was rich in so many ways. Thanks for the memories. Anne

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Hi Anne, Yes, it is a wonderful movie and relevant in our changing times. Yes, this month seems to be bringing up all kinds of memories...I relive and remember. Doing ok though. I have always been a rather sentimental being...as was Bill...so these times, of course, tap right into that. Thanks so much. Hope you are doing as ok as possible.

Mary

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Dear Mary,

I hope that you will give yourself an unending allotment of time to rest, remember, restore, and grieve this month.

I am glad you took a nap, and were comforted and reminded by the movie, too. There are some movies I simply cannot watch yet, such as "Being There" which Doug loved, among others. But I am delighted to be reminded of the richness and joy of the lives in Fiddler. Thank you.

We will heal our other issues, dear Mary. The shift is happening, and cannot be stopped. :)

You rest and relax, and cherish the memories, and comfort your heart. {{{hugs}}}

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I just got this from a friend...and am passing it on to you and to all.

Mary

post-14525-0-56731200-1362369334_thumb.j

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Just take the first step. :)

Thank you for the wonderful reminder. I am absolutely sure, if there is one thing I have figured out, it is that I will never have it all figured out.

Thank you, Mary.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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For sure...one step...then be...the next door opens a crack...just be...and wait...and in time we arrive somewhere. :)

Mary

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I love Fiddler on the Roof! Thanks for sharing!

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Mary,

I to like rituals, and traditions. But, the younger generations are lossing them, or just don't want to be a part of them much anymore. Guess I'm showing my age, hahaha! We need to feel connected to both the present and the past, but I agree I get emotional thinking of some of James and my traditions and rituals, as well as our families. Both of our families use to have large family reunions/get togethers, but the younger generations just seem to think that the older ones will be around forever, and will see them then. Not usually the case though, we lost four members of James family in between reunions, and two more, James included shortly after the last one. Family use to mean something to people, but now the younger ones forget about, or don't want to be bothered with their elders. They say they are just to busy. So sad for them, they just don't understand what they are truely missing out on.

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amw, you are so right about that.

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((((((Gentle hugs)))))) Mary as you go through memories, grief, and tears.

And as you tell me, please care for YOU extra well.

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Ah Mary, one of my very favorites, Mike and I played Golda and Tevya in 2004. I could not watch just now the segments you and Enna posted, but I will sometime. Mike was a wonderful singer, and I loved all the songs he sang in "Fiddler" I was not so good, but I was ok. My very favorite song from the movie is "If I were a Rich Man", Enna, I loved hearing Mike sing it...and watch him do the movements also. I have not been able to watch the movie since he died. Perhaps it is time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Shannon, do take care of yourself and continue to get rest.

Mary the Queen, I agree Fiddler is a great film and you will watch it someday. There are movies I can not watch...Dr. Zhivago being one of them. We first saw that in London many many years ago.

Still snowing here. Started during the night and it is still coming down...more slowly now. Spring starts in two weeks...we will have a white spring....lots of snow out there.

Peace

Mary

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i seem to be writing these days...almost daily...

each one born through many tears and much pain...

as I relive and remember so many of Bill's final days.

he died on march 27; his final days carved so deeply into my heart and soul...

his rare moments of lucidity...cherished gifts i will hold forever.

the smile that lit up the room when i walked in...not new...he always lit up when he saw me.

no one will ever smile like that again when i walk in a room...

moments of torture...until i got him home from his hospital stay

home, where he was once again peaceful

and then died in my arms.

attached is the march 1st writing.

i may post others

peace to you,

mary

three years 3.1.13.pdf

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Mary, I read your writing of 3.1.13 and I am with you in your grief. I cannot pretend to understand what it will be like in three years but I hope that I can come through this grief with grace and dignity as you are doing. Jim would want it that way. Bill is with you. I know that there are no words to comfort you but please know that you are not alone. Your words to others apply to you dear friend. Hear me and know that you are in my heart. Anne

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I like how you put it: "one day less"...yes, one day less of forever is one day closer to being reunited with the very breath of our souls!

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Thank you, Anne. I do know you are all out there when I hit a wave of grief. It comes and goes...the feeling of being so alone. In the end we are all alone but sometimes the desire to be with our spouses (or loved one) who have died is just plain overwhelming and sad. Thank you, Anne

Mary

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Kay, when I left George Anderson's conference room in 2010 (medium in NYC-reputable and the real thing) the last thing he said to me was, "One day closer, one day less". As much as I am committed to making my years ahead meaningful I also, of course, can hardly wait for the day I am with Bill again. I doubt that will happen when the tsunamis hit but I truly do believe in life after life. Not sure I believe in reincarnation....beyond me. But George described Bill's death as "stepping into another room" where he said our last dog, Buffy, was there to greet him along with others in his family. I KNOW he will be there to greet me. As Steve Jobs said a few moments before he died (looking past his wife) Oh, WoW, WoW, WoW! That is what i will say when I see my Bill and Buffy and by then, most likely, Bentley. We will all be together...forever. I put that on our gravestone "Together Forever". Mary

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We tend to get wrapped up in the here and now as if this is all there is...we see what's going on in our world, the political scene, the mess they're making of the economy, etc. We forget that all this is but a blink in time and then we'll have all eternity together! To step into George's arms again, to be reunited with favorite pets lost, to see my dad again, to see my mom finally be made right in her mind and smile...THIS is what I do look forward to!

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You are so right, Kay. Seeing my mom joyful and stress free; seeing my Dad healthy and free; being with Bill and so many friends who have died....all of this will be beyond words.

Yes, this life is a flash in the pan compared to all of life. But we live in this "flash in the pan time", our present, our now.... and most here are experiencing sadness and pain...and that sometimes can feel like eternity. Like you, I look forward to that future date as I also keep attempting to make today my best one. We know...you know...I know.

Mary

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Mary and Kay, following along with this turn of the conversation, about this life being a flash in the pan, and our loved ones stepping into another room when they leave this plane. An old close friend that I went to high school with, and who was also a good friend to Mike, called me the other day with a story of a dream he had. He said he did not want to upset me, but felt I should hear the dream. In the dream, Bill and I were in a place like Eureka Springs (artists and actors mecca here in the Ozarks) and were admiring all the art work, etc, when a lovely women approached us and said she had a dress that she thought would look great on me. Bill said it was a white dress with red splotches on it. He said the woman took me a little way from him, but he could still hear the conversation. She said Mike could not be there right then, but that Bill and I would be joining him soon. Bill felt like she was a guardian angel. He and I discussed the dream (which did not upset me at all). I feel that "soon" to those who have passed over, has an entirely different meaning that "soon" does to us. "soon" could be years and years here where we are, and just a blink of time where Mike is. It was actually a rather comforting dream. It seems as if loved ones who have passed are becomming more prevalent in dreams lately. I had a dream of my Dad last week, and this week, dreamed that I was on stage at the Lyric, doing this play we have been rehearsing, and looked out into the audience to see my Mom being seated. My Mom and Dad came to all the performances I was involved in when they were alive. In the dream I knew she was dead, but it still seemed right for her to be there. Wonder what all this dreaming of loved ones gone on means.....probably just that they are on my mind, and maybe that they want to touch base with me......

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Mary, it sounds like you are really in touch with the other side right now. I agree with you about time on the other side...since it does not exist over there...ten years could be like one second. And seeing your mom in the audience in a dream...how wonderful. I am sure they will be seeing you in this upcoming play. I agree...they are on your mind and I do believe dreams are one way that our loved ones over "there" keep in touch with us. It must be spectacular over there...no time, no space. And I believe since they are pure energy...they can mix with our cells and molecules...as we are mostly empty space. It will be great to discover what it really is all like.

I assume your play opens this weekend. I will be thinking of you...as will your parents.

Peace

The other Mary

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The dream sounds enlightening. I think the blink in time over there is a reminder to us to not lose hope and the being present here and now is not to get our sights so fixed on what's to come that we fail to enjoy what IS. I strive for that balance.

Yes Queen Mary, do let us know how the play goes!

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Today is a blue sky sunny warm 36 degree day here in Wisconsin and I finally got around to journeying to a nearby town about 45 minutes away to exchange a gift I received for Christmas. I drove the back roads which took me through hills and woods and past the intersection at Middle Earth Road where Bill and I had our first Wisconsin home...which still graces our 67 acres...land so familiar to me I could still be led anywhere on it, blindfolded, open my eyes and know exactly where I was. We spent hours and hours wandering those woods; planting 1500 pine trees one year (as if we needed more trees...but it was for erosion purposes); admiring the Larch in bloom; cutting cross country ski trails; sitting by the streams; building bonfires on Love Hill; mowing paths through all of it on very hot buggy/muggy days; watching Buffy (our first retriever) get skunked twice and tear quickly towards the creek; searching for hand wrought tools in the stone foundation of an old barn left by pioneers; sitting on the deck watching the sun drop beneath the tree line; watching the coyotes and hearing their song....and so much more. I did not turn down Middle Earth Road today...the tears flowing down my cheeks by that time were all but blinding me as I passed it. I drove on watching, through tears, for deer, saw several, so prevalent there..perhaps they were remembering the piles of corn and salt licks we left for their ancestors each day. On the first day of rifle season our yard was full of deer, we counted as high as 35 easily...they seemed to know we did not allow hunting on our land and they were safe there. In the spring they brought their fawns to romp. Our first dog, Buffy, learned chase them was a waste of energy so he spent the early evening hours instead lying low watching them graze and play. How well I remember Bill coming in the door one day, his face lit up like the sun, telling me he watched a doe give birth to twins right next to our driveway. Within minutes of their birth, he said with excitement, they were up and relocating so they would be safe from predators.

So on I went today to the Duluth Trading Company, returned the gift and spent more than the generous giver had and retraced my path once again passing dozens of familiar landmarks each one tripping off memories of joyous times and a couple of tough ones...all this today during this anniversary month. The fields were covered with pure white snow, the hills rolled on to forever, trees naked of leaves except for the lovely pines, and deer crossing in front of me every so often in search for food for those fawns growing within them.

The owners of our first Wisconsin home on Middle Earth Road have always left the door open for us to return but to date I have been unable to drive up that long curving driveway that Bill plowed in winter and graded on his tractor so often only to see at the top of the drive the home we had gutted and renovated, loved and lived in for the first 10 years of our marriage.

I am home now...Bentley sound asleep at my feet...until I close my laptop...a motion (for it is soundless) that gets an instant response from him especially as it nears his meal time.

Anniversary months challenge me each year...this will be my third and it seems most times the longer Bill is gone the more I miss him and yet I handle it all with greater...acceptance, gratitude and yes...a river of tears.

Peace

Mary

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