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I lost my Dad on Feb 11 and we buried him on Feb 14. He was suffering with cancer. I had a dream the other night that he was running through the meadow. He was so crippled up. And now he has a new body and is not hurting anymore. It is hard at times for me. I tell myself that I will be with him again. Life is so short. If there is anyone who needs prayer are a kind word. Be sure and message me back. Hold on and keep going on. Your parents would want you to live life to its fullest.

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You are so lucky to have a dream about your dad. i have been waiting for over 5 years and still no dream of my mom, at least not that i can remember. My daughter has dreams about her where she knows she is dead and asks her questions, which she answers. Not me though. I miss my mom so very much.

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Dear ones, in hopes that this may help, I'm reprinting below one of my earlier posts about dreaming:

You and others may find these threads helpful:

Will I See Her Again?

Strange Dreams about Death

Mystical Experiences

In addition, there are those who believe that praying for a dream about your loved one can be quite helpful. In the wonderful book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, author Louis LaGrand writes:

Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter

I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors.

You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions:

•Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do?

•What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.)

•Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received?

•Most important of all, did the experience bring peace?

If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you're being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace.

[source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., © 2006, pp. 119-121. See also Dr. LaGrand's Web site, Extraordinary Grief Experiences.]

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Oh no, Deb! I'm so sorry! I just tried all the links and they do work for me. I don't know what the problem is. Could you try re-booting your computer? I've learned that sometimes, when all else fails, re-booting sometimes solves the problem. Try it, and let me know. Also, I'd appreciate others reading this to try the links embedded in my post, and please let me know if you're experiencing the same difficulty!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...

Your links above are all active for me, Marty. I hope Deb was able to open them.

Marty pinned this onto her Grief Healing board and I just had to repin it here for all who have lost a father before they could have that first dance with their dad or for anyone who has lost their daddy and wanted to bring up good memories.

Tears are good. Thank you Marty for tapping into our emotions once again.

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They work for me too. Have you tried clearing your history/cache? Closing your browser and trying another one? Sometimes one of the just gets stuck. I use Mozilla for everyday but once in a while it has a problem and Chrome seems to always come through even when IE and Mozilla don't.

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Thank you Marty! I too have had dreams about my Mom and Dad. And my Grandmother. Once, I saw my Dad in his favorite backyard chair. I was shocked! I said, "Daddy! What are you doing here! I thought you were dead!" He laughed his unique laugh and said, "No my boy! I am here!"

Another time I saw him lying in his bed where he loved to lay down and read. I said "Daddy! I am so sorry! I am sorry!" and was crying. He hugged me and said, "It's alright my boy, It's alright!" I said, "I love you Daddy!" (something I never told him in his life). He replied, "I love you to my boy."

I was crying my eyes out a few hours ago thinking about him. It has been 18 years! Does it EVER get better?

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  • 4 weeks later...

My dad suddenly passed away from a Brain Annerism on April the 11th. I had never been to a hospice before or seen anyone die. Even though we weren't that close growing up, it has been hitting me big time. Prior to his death, I never had a dream about him and didn't think much about him one way or other. Thankfully we had made amends

The night before he died, I saw a hand come out of the sky while staying at the hospice. Since then he has showed up while I was having an MRI and he just showed up hugged me and told me he loved me. Have also had a dream that I had waked him up while he was sleeping in a bedroom where I was staying. The other day he was seen playing banjo and singing on a patio way out in the country. Never happened in real life. I have had to call Hospice 3 times since his passing. This is a brand new experience in my sobriety. Went to the gravesite yesterday for the first time since the funeral on April 18th. I know he is in Heaven but man my emotions are on a roller coaster. Have started going back to the recovery meetings. More later. (I am brand new to this site and still trying to figure out how to operate.)

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I have never had that experience, and my husband died nearly eight years ago. I only WISH I could see him! For the first several years, I only dreamed about him twice, but this year have had many more dreams with him in it.

Are you afraid this will affect your sobriety?

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Yes i am concerned about my recovery. Had a breakdown in 81 over Lennon's death. Yes he did have more of an influence on me than my dad..Just left a new meeting..Having 17 years sober still doesn't Guarantee that i can stay sober..Plus i.am under stress dealing with much more..This has been one hell of a year. My dads passing added to the storm.Hope that makes sense.

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Dear New Start,

Your post reminds me of one of our other members, Paul S, who joined us in 2005 following the death of his mom. He is also a recovering alcoholic, and writes extensively about his own experiences and struggles with grief and addiction. You might consider getting in touch with him; his contact information appears on his profile page (which you can access by clicking on his name).

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Sobriety and recovery is an ongoing process, as you well know. It is not the person who regards how tenuous their state is that worries me half as much as the person who feels they've got it licked.

My sweet departed dad was an alcoholic, he never knew sobriety until he spent his last month in the hospital. Until then, he drank every day since he was in WWII. It is good that you regard how fragile your state is, for then you can seek help and support as you go through this.

Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your dad...it's been over 31 years since mine passed and although it has not interfered with my life, I do still miss him and wish he could have been here for the birth of his grandchildren, and just not missed out on so much.

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Sobriety and recovery is an ongoing process, as you well know. It is not the person who regards how tenuous their state is that worries me half as much as the person who feels they've got it licked.

My sweet departed dad was an alcoholic, he never knew sobriety until he spent his last month in the hospital. Until then, he drank every day since he was in WWII. It is good that you regard how fragile your state is, for then you can seek help and support as you go through this.

Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your dad...it's been over 31 years since mine passed and although it has not interfered with my life, I do still miss him and wish he could have been here for the birth of his grandchildren, and just not missed out on so much.

Hello Marty and Kayc I finally figured out how to download the site on to this here computer. Will make it a bit easier. Has almost been two months and I still don't know if I am coming or going. Am wondering if Grieving can affect ones body. I have copd and Chairi malformation and it has been going over time since those three days at Hospice and my dad passing. Has now put my job in jeopardy. Thankfully I have a cool boss and I even called his cell phone from the Hospice crying my eyes out. What I cannot figure out is why this is hurting so badly when he really wasn't that big of an influence on me growing up. Have started going back to the meetings

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh I think our parents have a bigger impact on us than we'd realize! Not always in a good way, but impacting regardless. My mom was a tormented soul who was very unhappy and abusive when we were growing up and beyond. She is now 91 and in a Dementia Care Facility. All of our lives us kids have had to deal with the fallout from her and from my dad's drinking...but mostly her. Her temper and negativity and manipulation took it's toll on all of us. Now here we are in the latter days of her life, and I think most of us have done a pretty good job assimilating her into our lives. We have had to incorporate all of her, the good and the bad, we've had to accept her and our relationship or lack of it as it is. I wasn't even sure if I could say I love her, but I think I do, maybe, some. I guess I must, I come see her and it's not out of sense of obligation, for I don't feel any of us kids, with the troubled growing up years (and beyond) that she gave us, owe anything to her. But I do care about her, so maybe I could say I love her...some. Not the same as people who've had great parents in their lives that have been wonderful role models and been there for them, but still...I care. My parents shaped who I was, even if nothing more than my learning from their mistakes, but still, it's something. Perhaps they loved us somewhat...not like we needed, but as they were able. I have had to accept their limitations and realize that in their way, they tried their best...or not. But that is theirs to answer for, just as my life is mine to answer for.

I say all of this not to infer that you had anything less than a wonderful dad, but you say you weren't close, that you didn't think he impacted you that much and now you find yourself really grieving. And I can understand. I don't know how it will hit me when my mom dies, there's no way for me to know. I'm still not all that sure about what she is to me. But it'll probably be something, it may impact me more than I expect, I will find out someday. In the meantime, I try to do my best by her. Parent/child relationships are weird, I really think so. I poured my heart and soul into my kids and when my daughter turned 18, it's like she didn't look back. I miss her and I don't understand it. I was there for my mom, even though she didn't deserve it and I don't get why my own daughter doesn't want me in her everyday life at least once in a while. She is my holiday girl, that's when I see her, for a brief time. Can they really be that busy? Who understands the relationship between a parent and a child? The parent plays one of the biggest roles in a child's life, for better or worse. How can we not feel something, esp. hard hitting, when they are suddenly gone? They are our link to our heritage, our genes, our family. They were our teachers, our role models. Maybe not always the best, but like I said, even if all we did was learn from their mistakes, we did learn, that's the important thing. There were some things we can look at and see they did a good job with...my mom was a good housekeeper, organized, a great landscaper...I wish I could say I got that from her but I do not have that form of creativity or green thumb. But all of us kids are extremely organized, we are all planners like her. We all got my dad's terrific sense of humor and I wish we could be half as mellow as he was. This was our parents' legacy to us. And so the line continues.

I hope this Father's Day you can ponder your dad, forgive what needs forgiven, and honor what was good. It's normal to wish for what might have been, but try not to dwell on that unduly...we all have that but can't change the past. We can only embrace it and try to bring good from our life for having known them.

And good for you, for going back to the meetings!! That is a big step in a positive direction for you!

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Well said, Kay.

I also think that when we have an ambivalent relationship with a parent, a part of us holds out hope that our parent will change some day and become the ideal parent we always wanted. When death takes that parent, we are faced with the harsh reality that the changes we wished for will never, ever happen. And so we mourn the loss of a dream ~ the loss of what we've wished for and what now we know will never be. Perhaps that would partly explain why this death is hitting you so hard, New Start. In addition, the death of a parent forces us to confront our own mortality, in an entirely different way. We can deny no longer that we are mortal, and we begin to really understand that our earthly life is limited. We may begin to look at our own life in an entirely different way. This is very heavy stuff, and it takes time and effort to work our way through all of it and find some meaning in it.

I too am pleased to learn that you've returned to your meetings. This is too hard for you to be doing without that important support.

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Dear New Start – I am sorry that you lost your father and are having such a hard time. I understand about the ‘loss of a dream’ as Marty put it.

It has been 39 years since my father died. I still miss him. He was a Navy man during WW11 and was over in Europe many different times as we grew up. I don’t think of him every day now but when I do I wished he had been more of the ‘perfect’ Father we dream of – he was a good Father yet he was an alcoholic during his day. I don’t think we knew what that meant growing up. I think we all have dreams of our parents – mostly wanting them to be like other parents. My Father missed parties, horseback shows, dance recitals, and important events in my life but I did feel the love he tried to show me as he could. I remember one time when I finally worked my way to ‘pointe’ (pointe in ballet means that you do most of your dancing on your toes and it takes quite a bit of leg strength) my Father was suppose to be at the recital but he did not show. I found out later that he was drinking in a bar and forgot about it. The hurt is still present today and I hate liquor but I do have a glass of wine on occasion and I am grateful that I did not follow in my Father’s footsteps when it came to drinking. I agree with Kay. I think our parents do have an impact on us. I think we learn to accept their limitations. My problem is the ‘forgiveness’ part of those limitations. I thank him for being my Father but I haven’t been able to forgive him for not being that ‘perfect’ father every little girl wants. Someday this may happen - when I grow up – after all, I am only 70. Anne

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My mother died over a year ago, and she still visits me in my dreams. The weird thing is, is that in all the dreams, it's usually in a hospital type setting (because her last two weeks were in hospital then a hospice facility). Or I'm there to see her, but I can't find her and I realize she has gone on to be with the Lord but I'm still searching for her in my dream. When she first died, I had about 1-2 dreams a week with her in it for the first few months. Now that it's been over a year, it's maybe once or twice a month, when I can remember them. They are ALWAYS depressing. I think there was ONE where I woke up with a good feeling or felt that she reallly "visited" me in my dreams. I'm not sure what all the dreams mean.

When she died, I didn't think I would be able to go on. We were very close. Some people dream of their lost ones, some people don't. There's nothing we can do about it. It's just one of those things.

Sleep well and cherish your memories of your father.

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