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Gf Broke Up With Me When She Is Grieving! Help

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I have read lots of different stories on here, and I feel like id like to vent, and also be able to have some people to talk to and for you all to give me advice, I would like to keep you all updated on every stage, and will come back regularly, so that people in my postion can follow what is happening.

Okay so me and my girlfriend have been together 1 year and a half, we have had the most amazing relationship, i constantly smile when i am around her, and get so excited to see her, she is my world. she is the girl i would one day like to marry, and have children with. but that is a long way off, its just when i look to the future she is always in it.

My girlfriend lives in the UK with me, not with me but in the same area. Her dad lives in America. He is a cowboy, she thinks the world of her dad. At christmas she went to visit him, she had the most amazing time, and couldn't wait to come back to me to tel me all about it, and for us to start our new year together. She left to the airport, got to london, and as soon as she got back, not even had a chance to get to me, she had a phone call that her dad had a accident, it was bad enough for her to have to fly back that day to him. He was in intensive care, had tubes everywhere, and the future wasn't looking god. He hung in there, he fought to survive. She came home a month later,her dad was recovering, but couldn't move from the neck down.

My girlfriend was devastated, she told me before she come home, i should read up on grief, because she will be going through it, I did a little, but when she got back she seemed okay, she did seem not like her normal self, but that was understandable. We tried to enjoy ourselves but things started to not be the same, we weren't as close, she was living with me at the time in my parents house, because we got broken into before she went to america, she is so independant she didn't like it and needed her space, i guess we were probably annoying each other with that too, it wasnt ideal. anyway back on track, things weren't the same, but she never spoke to me about any of it, i felt like she didn't love me any more, i kept hassling her, asking why she is being like this, i didn't even think about the grief, i think i was being selfish but didn't realise at the time.

She fund a flat to move into, a few things happened and we bickered a bit, and then she split up with me, telling me she needs to be on her own.. she didn't give me any explanations, i had to come to my own conclusions. its not a situation i have ever been in before. so its hard to get my head around. I love her, i wish she needed me so i could help her through this horrible time she is going through. I have spoken to her a bit, at the beginning i was pressurising her, asking if we will be okay, she kept saying she thinks we will be, but after a few days of not hearing from her, id end up calling her again, wanting to hear the same thing, eventually i think i pushed it too far, she said she is happier on her own, and this is the right decision for her.

After reading these posts, i know that i cant pressure her, i text her last night, saying I've read up on greif and understand why she has done this. she seemed happy that i read up on it, and that i am understanding. Next week she is going to see her dad for easter. i hope it is a positive trip. We have tickets to see a concert on the 6th, i hope we still go, before i pushed her too far she said she wanted to still go with me. i will let you know how everything goes, i just want some advice really, how do i play it, if she wont contact me shall i still contact her, just to let her know im thinking of her, i dont want to push her away, but i dont want her to move on with out me.

Reading other posts have really made me feel better about it all, knowing its not as uncommon as i thought, however i really hope we end up okay. I know she loves me, im hoping its just time she needs. I want to be there for her, i hope this doesn't end us, its seems so unfair for something that is beyond our control to finish our relationship, when it has not ended naturally.

Any stories where this has happened and it ended happily ever after would be amazing, im trying to think positively about it all!

Thank you guys if you reply, i really need some support that aren't my friends and family right now.. they cant seem to understand why she is doing this, and think she is doing it on purpose, and are not being very good about it, they have to understand, that if the accident didn't happen, wed be together, she told me that.. its this that has done it to us!

Please help!!!

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I am sorry to see another person is hurting here, I get that, we've all been there. You've already ascertained that you can't pressure her and need to give her space. I wish there was some formula we could give you that would work for you and all would be well, but unfortunately, we can't control the outcome, it is up to the other person.

The best advice I have for you is to do just that, give her space, don't pressure her for time/response. Try to understand what she is going through and try your best to be unselfish and undemanding. BUT, you are also going to have to do what is ultimately best for you in the process...that is, as you begin to see her making her life apart from you, you cannot hang on her every word, hoping for crumbs...you need to focus on you and making yourself the best person you can be. This would be a good time for you to reconnect with your family and friends, take a course, start a hobby, anything you can to make your life well-rounded and better. The nighttimes will probably be the hardest as you cry instead of sleep, think and can't shut it off...but after a couple of months, that should taper off a bit too. Maybe join a gym or something as exercise makes you feel better and can't hurt, and it will take up time once spent with her. (Besides, think how good you'll look if you run into each other!)

This is probably one of the hardest roles you'll ever have...do not show her the side of you that is hurting and missing her, that comes across needy and desperate, not an attractive quality, and instead of drawing the person back in, it backfires. You may be shocked and amazed that this girl that once loved you no longer seems to have any feelings for you and seems to go on without you. I can tell you with all certainty, it is a grief response. I don't get it, I can't explain it, I've grieved plenty without responding like that, but there's enough people here who have experienced this that we know it is a common response in some. Also know it is NOT "you", it is her...it will affect you, it will feel very personal, but it isn't. She would respond the same no matter who you were or how you were. Your best chance for recovery is to go about your life and not let her think you are waiting in the wings. Do not say anything dismissive to her, or be unkind to her. With time, you may make the decision you don't want her back, not as things stand, and that will be your prerogative...that is the risk she is taking now.

Grief changes a person...they have a "new normal" and the girl you knew the last 1 1/2 years may be gone. I hope for a positive outcome for you, but I also know you can't count on it.

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Thank you KayC for the reply, everything you say is true, at the moment with it being early days, im going to try my best and be positive and hope that eventually she will heal and come back to me. I can see this is the greif and she told me herself, ive been readin so many other posts on her, and its nice to keep updted, so i will come back on and update if i hear anything or have any news, at the moment im trying not to contact her.But she is going to America on Thursday to see her dad, should i text her to let her know im thinking about her? or should i leave it ?

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If you text her, I would keep it very light, so that it can in no way be construed as a "demand". People who are grieving are ultra sensitive and can take things wrong really easy. Maybe just something like "thinking of you and hoping you have a safe journey". I wouldn't say "missing you" because that can be taken as a demand, believe it or not.

I wanted to give you hope but I don't want to paint you a false hope picture and there's no way to predict what'll happen. I hope all works out well.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Well since she knows about grief herself I think you are "lucky". I believe that all those people that they decided to distant themselves and never returned, was because they didn't actually know what it was going on with them, and they couldn't find a way to cope with things. In any case, I believe that things will go ok with you. Just don't push any emotional burdening at the time. I agree with KayC. Even an "I miss you" might be sound as a demand for some reason. I have also noticed that during grief sometimes people overthinking things and come to totally different conclusions. For instance, I asked my grieving boyfriend: oh were you out with your friends? Which in my mind was a normal question that I always did not out of jealousy, just because we have a lot of common friends and although he knows I am not the jealous type he took it as a sign of jealousy. So yes keep it light.

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