Kylie

[Leftover]

I lost my sweet Kylie six weeks ago today. I have been told it was a hard thing to bear but things would get better with time. They're not- at least, not so far. It doesn't matter what I do, all I think of is Kylie and how badly I miss her. She came into my life in November, 2011 and the rescue group told me she was 6 to 8 years old. I know that's not very young for a dog but I expected I'd have maybe five or six years with her anyway and I wasn't prepared for the challenges of a puppy. When her license renewal came a few months later, the county records showed her to be 10 years old. Soon after that when discussing this with my vet, she told me she thought Kylie was closer to 13. So now, the five or six years I expected have been used up in five or six months and less than a year later, my sweet girl is gone. I keep hoping that the heartache will let up and give me a break from the incredible sadness I've felt since I had to let Kylie go but it's not happening. I don't know what to expect from telling a story that so many people have already lived and know all too well, but I have to do something. I do so miss my pretty girl and I will love her always.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Kylie. It's very disheartening to learn that a dog you thought was middle aged in fact is aged. She is a beautiful girl, and I can see why you miss her so much. Six weeks is still very soon, I imagine you'll be feeling this way for some time yet. It's amazing how much they can worm their way into our hearts.

Have you done anything to memorialize her? A scrapbook or something...it might channel some of how you're feeling into something you can feel good about. She has such a beautiful smile!

[Leftover]

Thank you for your kind words.

Kylie found her way into my heart the very minute I saw her. The evening was supposed to be for the rescue group to do an in-home inspection to see if my house was suitable for a dog and I expected someone would be there for about 15 minutes to look around and ask a few questions and be on their way. Unknown to me, they were bringing Kylie along and the moment she walked in the door, I knew she was the dog I wanted as my companion. She's the kindest, sweetest most gentle soul and she treated me like she'd known me all her life from the first day we had together up until the last. The best part of my day was coming home from work and seeing that furry white nose poking out when I opened the door and it's devastating to know I'll never see it again. She was shy but friendly with strangers and people would come up to us all the time when we were out for a walk and say "What a pretty dog! May I pet her?" I still have people stop me now when I'm walking my other dog, Mason, and ask about Kylie because they haven't seen her lately. It's nice to know that people noticed her, but it's sad to be constantly reminded that she's not with us anymore.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do as a memorial. Her collar is still sitting on the kitchen table, right where I set it down after coming home from saying goodbye for the final time to my pretty girl. I haven't so much as touched it since. She was cremated and I'm going to take her to be where my mom & dad's ashes are, in the Sierras where we used to go camping. The cremation people made a clay pawprint for me, which is still sitting on the kitchen table with her collar. I made some plaster casts of her pawprints in the dried mud in the backyard but haven't thought of what I want to do with them, either.

I was hoping it would be getting easier by now but I guess I'm expecting too much. They say real men don't cry, so I suppose I'm not one, having cried for my dear Kylie every day since she had to leave me. I miss her more than words can say.

Scott

[pumkin]

I just read your posting here about losing your precious little girl, Kylie and tears just streamed out. The people here on this forum understand just what you're feeling and going through. I believe you miss her more than words can say. She will forever be in your heart. Dear Scott, real men do cry. I believe if you let the tears flow it will help so much. As Kay said your Kylie was so beatiful with her smile. Whatever makes you feel close to her as a memorial will come to you.

Sincerely,

Pumkin in Phoenix

[MartyT]

My dear Scott, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your precious companion, Kylie. As I hope you've discovered by now, you are among kindred spirits here, as we've all been where you are now ~ mourning the loss of a cherished animal companion.

You used the phrase, "real men don't cry," and I hope you will take some time to do some reading about this and so many other myths about grief and the loss of a beloved companion animal. Here are some to get you started:

Real Men Don't Grieve ~ Or Do They?

Losing a Cherished Pet: Myths and Misconceptions

Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?

[kayc]

I second what Marty said, I think real men DO cry! It's not good to keep grief bottled up inside of you where it can implode, how much better to find healthy expression to what you are experiencing. Grief may feel unnatural, but it is actually one of the most natural things we can experience as death is part of the cycle of life and we all experience it eventually. It's our society that seems to feel awkward about it, not knowing what to say or do. It'd be great if people could be educated about it so they would know how to help each other through it rather than saying/doing some of the dumb responses they do.

Your Kylie is absolutely gorgeous, she reminds me of my Arlie with her smile and beauty. I know you will miss her always and it will take quite some time for the initial pain to subside, just hang in there and give yourself ample time to grieve. I wish you could have had more time with her, but honestly, we always wish for that no matter how long it's been. I only got three years eight months with my beloved husband and I often wonder how it is other people get 50 years with theirs, but that's just how it is I guess, I'm just lucky I got him at all. I've come to understand it's the quality of relationship not the number of years that is really important. (But dang it would be nice to have both!)

I love that you got her paw print. It would be nice to have a shadow box with that, her collar, and her picture in it, wouldn't it?

Do you know when you're going to take her ashes to the Sierras? That is a great idea, I like the thought of ashes being where they loved to spend time or had great memories.

[Leftover]

Thanks Marty. I have been looking around the website and the associated links on and off over the last few days in an attempt to find anything that might help with this most devastating loss. I knew the day would be coming when my sweet girl would have to leave me but I never expected it would be so soon. Although Kylie wasn’t exactly running around like a puppy, she was reasonably active and was in good health for her age. And suddenly, one sad day, she could not get up at all, having lost feeling in her legs and I had to make the most difficult decision I have ever been faced with. It was only the weekend before when I was visiting with some friends, and this very subject came up. My friends had just recently adopted a dog after not having one in their lives since they had to say goodbye to their last dog. It took them nearly a year to get to the point where they were ready to bring a new dog into their house and the subject of the last ride to the vet came up. Even so long from that most painful time, it was clear how incredibly difficult a decision that was for them and I remember thinking that I don’t know how I could ever do it. And two days later, I had to.

I guess six weeks isn’t really a long time after all when it comes sorting things out. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to do the best I can but the only thing that helps is keeping busy so my thoughts are on anything but the idea that I’ll never see my pretty girl again. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to stay busy the entire day and as soon as there’s any sort of break in what I’m focused on, the sadness returns with a vengeance. I’m so tired anymore and after a long day at work, would like nothing better than to be able to grab a beer and just go sit outside, put my feet up and not have to think about anything. But as soon as I do, the memories all come flooding back of the afternoons spent on the porch with Kylie, just watching her stretched out and warming herself in the sun or wandering around the yard and sniffing at whatever it is that dogs find so interesting and feeling the most incredible joy at how contented she looked. And now, she’s gone and my heart just aches for her.

Having Mason here is a big help but it’s still not the same. He’s a good dog and I don’t mean to compare him to Kylie or anything, but I feel still like I’m not being fair to him. I know his life has just been disrupted, too. It’s taken him while to get used to his new home. As he’s a rescue just like Kylie, I don’t know much about where he came from or what his experiences there might have been. All of a sudden, he’s in a new home with a dog he doesn’t know any better than he does me. A week later, Mason’s in the car with Kylie and me on our way to visit my brother, where he gets introduced to five other dogs he’s never seen before. After a week there, it’s back to Phoenix to a house he barely knows and a day later, Kylie is gone forever. After visits to my brother’s house and seeing how well Kylie and the other dogs got along, it was clear to me that she was happy having company. That’s when I decided to get Mason and now, instead of having Kylie’s company while I’m away at work, Mason’s all alone. Something else to feel bad about, as if I needed to start a list.

So there it is. What happens next? Where do I go from here? I don't know.

[kayc]

Have you thought about a companion for Mason? No one is going to ever take Kylie's place, that can't happen, but maybe it would help Mason feel a little less alone...and you never know, they might grow on you.

Your telling about Mason's coming into the family, being yarded here and yarded there...it reminded me...when I was married to John, he had a cat named Kitty. They were stayed in Portland during the week and he'd come home (3 1/2 hours away) on weekends. When I'd visit up there I got to know Kitty but wasn't that close to her. One day he brought Kitty to my house and left her...I already had a cat and they didn't hit it off. Plus Kitty was NOT used to dogs and there were two. It took her two months to venture out of her cage and we finally just had to get her used to the dogs, sink or swim. One day John left and never came back. I was stuck with his cat and suddenly, I felt an affinity with her. We'd both been abandoned, after all. Now it's years later and I am very close to Kitty. She's had a hard life with more owners than she can count. She's 18 and I've promised her, she's mine the rest of my life. I just want her to have a good rest of her life.

I don't know where I'm going with this except to say, sometimes we aren't thrilled about getting an animal but then we find out something peculiar...they grew on us and wormed their way into our hearts. Kitty sure did. Oh, and after my dog Lucky died and I got a new dog, Arlie...he is huge and rambunctious...it took Kitty almost two years to decide to live with him (she stayed outside on the patio). Now she's decided to make the best of it and lets him know who's boss and they get along.

[Leftover]

KayC-

Not crying is not an option. No doubt about that.

I am going to the Sierras this summer with my brother and sister. It's thirteen years now my mom's been gone. It was her wish to be in the mountains and we all thought the place we used to go camping every summer was the right spot. We were just there last summer to keep the promise I made to my dad and since it's been so long since we were all there together, we decided to try to make another trip this year. I so wish it wasn't going to be under these circumstances, but I guess there's not a lot I can do about that. Even though my parents never met Kylie, I'm sure they'd love her. It's my favorite place in all the world and it's the last thing I can do for my sweet girl.

edited to add... I'm sorry to hear about your husband but glad to know that your kitty has a good home now. When I mentioned Mason, I didn't mean to give the idea that I wasn't happy to have him here- I am, more than I can say. He's a great dog but based on how he's acted since coming to be with me, I suspect he's had more disappointments in his life than any animal should ever have to endure. He's happier and more at home every day, which makes me feel a lot better as I was really worried about him after I had to say goodbye to Kylie.

I have already thought about a companion for Mason and I believe I will get another dog one day. Although I have heard reccomendations against getting a dog like the one you've just lost, I would still like to get another collie (or collie mix). Kylie was my first dog since I've never lived anywhere that I could have one up until recently and I chose her because she reminded me so much of one of the dogs we had when I was a kid. Danny Boy was a collie/samoyed mix and I loved him dearly. We lost Danny in 1980 and I still have his license tag on my keyring. Without a doubt, no dog could ever take Kylie's place in my heart but I can't imagine not getting another dog like her since collies are (to me, anyway) the happiest, most friendly dogs one could ever hope to have as a friend and companion.

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear that. I got the impression, though, that you haven't had Mason as long as Kylie. With two dogs (one's my son's) and a cat I wasn't looking to get another cat, but I'm sure glad I've got her, we are real close now, although I don't think a cat can ever be the same as a dog. JMHO

[Leftover]

Your impression is accurate. Kylie came to me on Nov. 11, 2011 and we had to say goodbye on Feb. 11. My pretty girl and I had just one year and three months together. Way too short and not anything like what I was expecting, but I suppose it never is, is it? If I had a hundred years, it wouldn't be enough to give her all the hugs and kisses she deserved. Mason has been with me since Jan. 17- just a little over two months. He's a great dog too, and I hope we get to spend many more years together.

[catlore]

Hi Scott, I am so sorry for your loss. Kylie was lucky to find you and there is a reason she touched your heart. She had a wonderful last chapter in this life. One can only wonder what she went through before she found you. that. What I have learned is we never know how long we will have with a beloved animal. Feb 1st I lost my beloved Sophia. She was a long hair white cat with crossed blue eyes. She was deaf and vision impaired and adored me. She was wherever I was and was the light of my life. I have other kitties but some just touch your heart in a special way. I rescued Sophia when she was about 6 months old (vet estimate). I was sure I would have many years with her. i had less than 3. I was and am devastated. Still, I know there is a reason she came into my life. I do believe our energy and theirs remains forever together. Energy doesn't die. Watch for her. Watch for signs. She will let you know all is well.

[Leftover]

Hi catlore-

I'm sorry to hear about your Sophia. As I am finding out, the loss of a dear animal friend is so very devastating. I didn't realize just how much my sweet girl would come to mean to me and I am still having an awfully difficult time now that she is no longer here, trying to find my way out of the incredible sadness I've been experiencing over her loss. Reading the other messages here, it's clear I'm not the only one who's ever been in this dark place. Although it sort of helps to find I'm not alone in these feelings, it's not exactly a comfort to know that others are hurting as badly as I am. I know my Kylie is gone and nothing can be done to bring her home to me, but I am hoping that I can find my way to a place where her memory will bring me at least a little bit of the joy I felt when she was by my side. I miss my friend so very much.

[kayc]

Catlore,

You are so right, energy doesn't die. And what you say about Kylie is how I feel about Kitty...she's 18 and been through so much in her life before she met me. I often wonder the stories she could tell, if she could voice them to me. When my XH pulled his trailer from the trailer court (he hadn't officially adopted her but she'd spent much time with him for the previous two years and he'd fed her, let her into his trailer) and a week later came back she was sitting there in the empty spot, so forlorn, as if she was looking for him, just lost...he picked her up and drove her to my house so she could have a stable home environment. She'd spent her entire life in that trailer court, had litters of kittens, so many people had unofficially adopted her and then abandoned her in turn. She now has a forever home with me and I'll never ditch her. Her life is so different now, from that of a large city to living in the country, I sometimes wonder if she misses the trailer court...but one look at her contentedly ruling the house tells me different. Here she never has to worry about going without food or being cold or not getting proper care. I found the source of her scab covered body and now have her allergies well under control and discovered she really is a gorgeous cat when she's properly cared for.

Kylie also could tell stories...and there's no doubt in my mind that her last year was her best. She found her forever home and the person who would love her the rest of her life...and beyond. There is a special bond when that happens, a bond that can never be severed, not even by death.

[kayc]

Leftover, You were evidently writing the same time I was.

I think you will come to the place where it won't hurt so much and the memories will bring a smile to you...it has worked that way for me. It does take time, and I hated hearing that because time was one thing I couldn't control and I couldn't speed it up. But it's true, with time, the pain eases and we somehow manage to adjust and cope with our loss and it transforms into something else where we can eventually enjoy memories without the associated pain. (It's kind of like having the dross cleared away and we are left with the gold.)

[Leftover]

I'm sure that time is the answer. But as you said, there's nothing you can do to speed it up. So there it is, I guess. I've been trying to stay busy in order to keep from thinking about things, but that will only get you so far. I'm just worn out after six weeks now, feeling like I haven't had even a bit of sleep although that's not so. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[annie2132013]

I lost my almost three year old rescue dog 6 weeks ago today; it is very hard. I lost my 12 1/2 year old dog a little over 2 years ago. I wish I could tell you that you will soon feel no pain; but, it is not true. Dog people understand, but others do not. Keep coming here and read others' posts, as it helps. At this point I do not feel I can get another dog, as I feel like I cannot go through this great pain again. Know that others feel and understand your great pain and know that time, however slow, is the great healer. Try to get enough sleep, stay with your routine, and know that other animal lovers care.

[Leftover]

annie-

Thanks for writing. I guess I never really expected it to get easy anytime soon but was hoping against hope that I might be wrong. Looks like I wasn't. I suppose now, I'm down to just hoping things don't suck way too bad but even that much seems like a mirage on the horizon, almost within reach but you never really get there. I hate the idea that I'm going to have to get used to this.

[Leftover]

Mason woke me up this morning going out the dogdoor. While trying to get back to sleep, I got to thinking about things and one thought led to another...

Kylie would come into my bedroom when I went to bed and lay down on the floor by the door. To guard me, I liked to think. One night, I woke up to hear her pacing back and forth along the side of the bed. There was a thunderstorm going on and she was disturbed and wanted to get on the bed but couldn't because she couldn't jump that high. The next chance I got, I went out and found a footstool to put beside the bed so that she could get up if she wanted to. After that, when there were storms, she would get up on the bed and curl up by my feet until the thunder and lightning stopped.

Another night, I woke up when I heard the dogdoor flap as she went outside. Before I went back to sleep, I heard her come up the outside ramp to the dogdoor but not come in. She did that a few more times without coming back in the house so I laid there a while and finally had to get up to find out what was going on. I could see out the window that she was laying out in the grass in the backyard so I went to get her and bring her in the house. When I got to the dogdoor, there was a poop on the floor and outside on the ramp, there was another one. This is the first time she ever had an accident in the house.

When I got to her out in the yard, she wouldn't look at me and she was shaking like she was shivering even though it wasn't cold. It was then when I realized she was embarrassed over having not made it outside and that she felt like she'd let me down. I felt so bad for her. I just hugged her and stroked her head while my heart ached for her worrying so badly that I would be disappointed in her. I held her and told her how much I loved her and that there'd never be a time when I didn't, and why don't we come in the house?

After going inside, I got back in bed. Kylie got up on the bed, too. She laid down, not by my feet, but right next to me and she stayed there until it was time to get up in the morning. She'd never done that before, and it was the only time she ever did. I wish it hadn't been.

I miss my pretty girl so much.

[kayc]

We went through this with my granddoggy, Skye (he lived with me off and on much of his life). I never scolded Skye for pooping in the house, I knew it struck him to the core, and he'd never done so the first several years of his life, he'd have rather died! I knew he couldn't help that he'd become incontinent. My son took him to the vet and they suggested Metamucil, and we tried this and that to get him to take it. We finally found he liked the orange Metamucil in milk...tastes kind of like a Creamsicle. (I always called them Dreamsicles when I was a kid). It didn't seem to help his incontinence but it did make it easier to clean up. These precious animals are so much more important than any inconvenience from their getting old. Skye doesn't have much longer now and I worry I won't get to see him before...my son lives two hours away and I have a trip planned, but I would dearly love it if Skye could make it until summer and I could take care of him for a few days again. He loves his grandma and loves coming here. My son was living with me when he first got Skye, and every time he had to go on a trip, it was me that took care of Skye...I even got him for three months last year when my son got married and honeymooned. But I miss him and it's going to kill me when w lose him.

[Leftover]

Yesterday was eight weeks since I lost Kylie. It isn't getting any easier. I ran into a neighbor while out for a walk with Mason over the weekend and was asked about Kylie again. I know people mean well, but it just tears me up inside to be reminded that Kylie isn't with me anymore. I'm so tired these last two months but I don't sleep very well, waking up several times a night. Even if I'm in bed for 8 or 9 hours, when I get up, I feel like I haven't had any sleep at all. I wish the hurt would go away for just a little bit and let me get some rest. I miss my sweet girl so much.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Scott. Have you tried any of the suggestions offered earlier? If it feels as if you've not made any forward movement in your grief, you may want to consider some sort of in-person support, such as a session or two with a grief counselor (who is knowledgeable about the grief that accompanies pet loss), a telephone support line, or an in-person pet loss support group. I don't know where you are located, but nowadays there are a number of resources "out there" that offer solid support for this unique type of loss. See, for example, some of the resources listed here: Helplines, Message Boards, Chats. There is no shame in seeking support for grief, Scott, and it certainly is not a sign of weakness on your part. It takes strength and courage to acknowledge the need for this, and I hope you will think of it as a gift you can give to yourself. You are worth it, and you deserve it.

[Leftover]

Everybody I know has told me that losing a dog is really hard. As I wrote before, Kylie's my first dog and I ended up way more attached to her than I would ever have imagined. Having to say goodbye after such a short time is not at all what I was expecting, but I guess you don't always get what you want, do you?

I decided to bring Mason home just so that Kylie could have company while I was at work. They got along so well right from their first day together and nothing made me happier than coming home and seeing my doggies at the door, all excited and waiting to greet me. And then, one day, Kylie wasn't at the door.

The thing that's hit me the hardest, though, is that she was fine one day and gone the next. Even knowing that she's older, I didn't have any kind of warning that something was going to happen just then and wasn't prepared for it that day. I suppose knowing she didn't suffer a painful, drawn out illness should be at least a small comfort, but it's tough seeing it that way right now. I want my pretty girl to be here with me so badly and I know she never will be, ever again. I guess that's the toughest part.

[MartyT]

I understand, Scott ~ this death came right out of the blue, without warning, so you had no chance to prepare ~ and of course, losing Kylie was the furthest thing from your mind when you got her.

But I am here to tell you that, even if you'd had one or ten or twenty years of warning, it still wouldn't make the loss of Kylie any less painful. And it still does not negate the fact that you need and deserve some support to guide you through this debilitating grief of yours. What you are thinking and feeling is all perfectly normal ~ but if you've never before experienced the death of someone so dearly loved, grief can leave you feeling very crazy, isolated and alone. That's why it's so helpful to learn all you can about what is normal in grief ~ and most especially, what is normal regarding the grief that follows pet loss ~ so you'll know what to expect and you'll have some idea of how better to manage your reactions. That's also why it is so helpful to be around others who've also experienced the death of a cherished companion animal ~ because they know where you are, as they have walked in your shoes. Please don't try to walk this path all by yourself. It is so much easier when you surround yourself with the support and understanding of others who've walked this walk.

You might find this page helpful; it contains links to dozens of useful resources: Pet Loss Articles

[kayc]

Marty has given some good suggestions. How is Mason doing? Have you considered another pet to keep him company? I didn't realize how much pets can be affected by grief until I lost my husband and my dog Lucky started acting out (normally she was perfectly behaved). They need special attention to help them through their grief as well.

I do hope you'll consider getting some help for your own grief, perhaps a grief support group. Are you in a city where they'd have one?