mfh Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) eecummings Remembering Bill today and every day January 30, 1931-March 27, 2010 3 years Final.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Just beautiful, dear Mary. You are in my heart today and always. Thank you for sharing. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Dear Mary, You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear one. Thank your wonderful poem and all the beautiful photos. Thank you for opening and sharing your heart and your journey. Much Love, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 My dear Mary, you are in my thoughts and heart today. My hope is that the day will be peaceful for you, and that your memories will be sweet. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Mary, You're in my thoughts and prayers today...I thought of you last thing last night. I hope this road gets easier for you this year. Although the death day remains difficult for us, I guess we need to celebrate their life and their ending with their struggles...it's those of us left here that continue the struggle but one day we'll get to join them. Thank you for sharing your "three years" with us, I love the pictures! You can tell how much love is shared between you. Love you, Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 (((((((Gentle hugs))))))) Mary, I've been thinking of you all week. What a beautiful poem and tribute to your Bill, beautiful photos. I hope you can feel your lovey residing beside you today in spirit. He is very proud I am sure. Peace and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Mary, I'm thinking of you today and hope you will find some peace and comfort with the bond you will always have with your husband. Thank you for being here and sharing with us, Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Mary, I pray that Bill's love will fill your heart today, and the memories you both shared bring peace to your soul. You are in my thoughts today. Hugs and compassion, Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Mary that is so beautiful. I wish I had met your wonderful Bill. Not everyone finds their soul mate. Peace. Jan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks to all of you for your kind words. I woke in tears but doing better as the day goes on. Had a lovely lunch with a friend and then we went to an art museum to see a specific piece and now I am home for the day/weekend. Walked Bentley on a warm sunny day and visited with a friend at her shop...Bentley automatically goes to the shop door. I think this anniversary caught me off guard...with its pain...perhaps because it coincides with holy week and Easter as it did the year Bill died; perhaps because I pretty much put the breaks on and have fewer distractions in my life; perhaps because so many here are so tired of a long gray winter that does not end...snow still piled everywhere and covering much of the ground. And perhaps....well...who knows. In any case, it feels like a relief that this day/week will come to an end. I know I just need to accept where I am instead of trying to be anywhere else.... Difficult at this stage to go forward and also be where I am....tricky balancing that. Thank you all. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 27, 2013 Report Share Posted March 27, 2013 Bless your heart dear. I am lighting a candle for Bill tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 28, 2013 Report Share Posted March 28, 2013 Dear Shannon, What a beautiful idea you have shared! Dear Mary, I am lighting a candle for Bill, for your L*ve, and for your heart. I am very glad you have this time to mourn, remember, celebrate, and love. Peace, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 28, 2013 Report Share Posted March 28, 2013 I lit a candle too. It was full moon so I lit it for that too though it was too cloudy to view it as we always tried to do. Peace, Mary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 28, 2013 Report Share Posted March 28, 2013 Dear Mary, I wanted to greet you this morning and send loving prayers and {{{hugs}}} your way as you continue on your journey of this week that is filled with so many memories and triggers for you. Your love, grace, and beauty shine through your posts and sharing. It is no wonder that Bill loves you so deeply, or that you two remain soul mates. I feel honored to share your journey with you, and I hope that these days of promise and miracles fill your heart with peace and acceptance, new insights, and renewal of life and all of its blessings. Much Love, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2013 Thanks to all of you for love and support. Yesterday was an ok day...I spent quite a bit of time last night creating a list of the ways I think I have changed/grown and what I have learned from the past many years...since Bill became increasingly limited in his being and functioning through yesterday. I will share that soon. Today I am still reliving, still "back there" and still find myself in tears off and on. I know it is, in part, about Easter being tied in with this anniversary...an important one for Bill and me. I think of Bill's burial on a Holy Saturday. A friend told me that as soon as we get rid of the snow (if ever), she will help me clean up Bill's grave site and do some planting up there. The cemetery is a rural and very old one where we were allowed to have a green burial. It is up a dog leg gravel road and surrounded by woods. I have seen deer up there, lots of birds and critters and very old gravestones. A group of friends put a small stone bench up at Bill's grave so I can sit up there though I do not go all that often as I feel Bill is more here with me than up there. Another very dear friend is buried there also. She died a few weeks before Bill. On the day after Bill's burial (Easter Sunday) a peacock came out to my car and walked along side it all the way to the gate. There are NO peacocks in Wisconsin...not even privately raised...I checked with the local bird experts. Peacocks are symbols of resurrection (it was Easter Sunday) and love/marriage and eternity. It happened the following Saturday also except that time he led the car up the path to the gate and disappeared. The friend with me was so excited. Bentley was going nuts. Today I will take an hour to finish up income tax prep, help a friend for an hour with a two-person job (how we count on each other for those things), walk Bentley a couple of times, and if I still have any energy left...get out to my studio and paint ANYthing. Overall, I am not spending enough time doing what I really want to do i.e. painting on a regular basis; walking Bentley twice a day (instead of once); and continue my "purging of the house" project started about 8 months ago but neglected for a long while....i.e. getting rid of things I do not want/need-not all that much but it bugs me; still have not touched Bill's workshop or closet-not ready yet; get a date set for the painter to come in (I need warm some color in here except for my studio it is all white-yuck), and in general move into my nest...something I never really did because we moved here 9 months before Bill died and were in survival mode. It is a cute little stone house (little in comparison to the huge mountain home we had before our RV life. A new start this week and next, (yes, through tears yet)...as I begin year 4 since Bill's death and year 74 of my life. A time of new beginnings...again...as I continue to relive and remember. It is taking a lot of push to overcome apathy and yet honor fatigue so I have to listen to my body/mind. I will start posting again sometime soon. May this Easter/Spring remind each of us that life does go on forever... that nothing can destroy life though it appears and feels otherwise. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 28, 2013 Report Share Posted March 28, 2013 Mary, It sounds like you spent the day well...it's cool about the peacock! There are some near our local cemetery, they roam around free although i think someone actually owns them. My dad died near Easter, so it holds significance for me for that too. This year, Easter being early, it doesn't fall near his death date though. It looks like I'll be spending Easter alone, I'd bought a bunch of groceries thinking my daughter and SIL might be up but he has to work and she's not sure she can make it. My son and his wife are tied up with their church and me with mine so neither of us can travel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 19, 2013 Report Share Posted April 19, 2013 That was beautiful-your first post. I'm new here and just stumbling around searching for....i'm not sure what. The love of my life died 4-7-13. I am lost. You seem like a very strong woman. I always felt such pain for those who lost their loves and never knew how they continued on. I still don't. I have no desire to go on. Hearing from real people like you helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted April 19, 2013 Report Share Posted April 19, 2013 Dear Cakes01, Kristen, I saw your other post, too. I am relieved that you have found this place. It is filled with caring, compassionate, very helpful and supportive people. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that all of us here have gone through what you are now feeling, even if in our own way. This would have to be a very painful and difficult time for you. I imagine you are still entirely numb, and trying to cope with the logistics of these early days. We are all here to support and comfort you, to help you through sharing bits of our own experiences, and to let you know that you will make it one day, and often one hour, at a time. Please feel free to start your own thread, so we can all find you more easily, and have a place to look for your news. You don't need to do that right now, but do it when you are ready. Only do anything when you are ready, actually, because right now, you just need to be, to care for yourself, and come visit with us here very often. I am so sorry for the reason you are here. Blessings and Much Love to you, dear one. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2013 Dear Kristen, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you are stunned and shocked right now. At 12 days the only thing to do is get up each morning, try to eat, take naps, maybe a walk. You must be just past a funeral/memorial service and at this point still in a fog. I recall little from the early weeks. Our brain sort of protects us with a fog. I did not want to go on either when Bill died. I did not think I could but I really did not want to. I NEVER thought I would feel better or care about anything again but here I am 3 years out now and life is better...and I am truly shocked by that reality...though I have worked hard to get here. I wish I could tell you it won't hurt for long but that would be a lie. It will hurt...forever but the hurt subsides over time and we learn how to carry it and we transform and get stronger. You will have to trust me on that one just as I had to trust people here that I would feel better and carry my loss with great ease. It is important, I believe, to take just one day and sometimes one hour at a time...just one. It is all you can handle. Do not look ahead too far. It will look different in a while but right now it is time for patience, sleep, tears, self care, good food. Do you have a support group at all? Family and/or friends who kind of understand. Until someone has been here they can not understand this kind of loss but perhaps you have people who can hold you while you cry or take you to lunch and distract you for a few minutes. During the early months I found Bill to be on my mind almost all the time...he still is but in a better way. We are a group who really understand your loss and we are here for you and will respond to you. I urge you to come often...post whatever you wish. Do not be fearful of venting or just rambling. It all helps. Tell your story and you will find that there are lots of overlaps in all our stories. Everything is affected by spousal loss...every corner of life. Keep in touch...try to trust that in time it will get better...but not soon, for sure. Peace to your broken heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Fae, Thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to write to me. I am feeling very alone(not so much anymore)and scared. We had so many plans....when i read "you just need to be" my heart sank-what's left of it. Marcus and i often said we just wanted to "be" ourselves-be in the moment-just be together fully. Thank you. I feel like you sent me a piece of him tonight. I will start my own thread soon. I'm nervous though. No one has really wanted to hear the whole story. At least they don't ask. I feel like i can't share all the wonderful things we experienced together. We had our issues as did most couples, but we were so good together. We were-are soul mates. We both believed that. I look forward to spending more time here. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Dear Kristen I know you wrote to fae but you will find others respond anyway....I want to reassure you that we DO want to listen. We DO want to hear your story. We are here to hear anything you want to share. You will sadly learn that we live in a death phobic society. People mean well, want to help but get fearful that you will cry or that they do not know what to say or even if they should say anything. Many just think you and all of us can just "move on". None of those attitudes exist here. I am three years out, fae is about 13 months and we both still need to share. One of the things about losing is a spouse is that the person we usually shared everything with is not there and though none of us can even remotely be there for you in the way Marcus was...we do provide a place for you to share whatever is going on within you or around you. You do not have to start your own topic though the plus of that is more people will see it and that you are new here and get to know you. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Hi Mary, I was going to respond to you too. I'm really grateful that you responded as well. I'm slow at doing a few things-typing being one of them. Marcus was the out going and computer one. I'm trying though. I do feel as if i am in a fog. I had to move out of our apartment and am at my parents house now. I wanted to stay there, but wasn't on the lease. I am very grateful for my parents, but at the ssme time i don't belong here. I'm 37 and was just getting my life together with Marcus. Our families coming together. I miss him so much. This pain is unbearable at times. I am so sorry for your loss. You are inspiring and i'm so happy for you that you have been able to carry on. It sounds awful, but i don't want to see 3 years. I want him to come and get me. I know people mean well and usually don't know what to say, but that's part of the reason i've stopped talking. I have a friend in Florida and my boss, but that's it really. It was just me and Marcus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 By the way i love your picture. It is so sweet! I can't seem to get a picture to fit right to add one, but love yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 I do understand that 3 years sounds like a life time and alone without Marcus. That is why you can't look ahead right now...just one day at a time. Don't make any decisions right now. I am glad you have your FL friend and your boss and now you have a whole bunch of people here. So many of us here feel they lost a soulmate, including me. It is what makes it so hard. Just hang in there as tough as that is and as much as you do not want to. I am sorry you are having trouble with uploading a photo. What you can do until you figure it out is click on "More reply options" and attach it if you wish. Do you know what size the photo is? I do not think I can upload it for you. I think the profile picture has to come from you. I think you can instant message it to me or just attach it to a post and I can look at it and see what is wrong...IF I can figure it out. One day at a time....Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 It seems impossible to look ahead that far. Even when i think of the morning right now i start to feel sick. The signs some people get give me purpose. I long to connect with Marcus. You must miss Bill so much. I don't mean to make you sad.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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