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Kristen said: "I'm feeling a bit bad reading more about this site. I am young and Marcus died in a car accident. He was driving. Our story is complicated. Tragic yet complicated. I don't want anyone here to think i'm making light of their greif and suffering. I guess my question is-is it ok for me to be here?? I do feel comforted being here and talking with you and Mary and Fae. I just realize our circumstances are a bit different. I am not going to be looking for anyone else and even if someone finds me-i belong to Marcus. I don't care how young i am or how young people say i look. He was it for me. We told eachother that all the time. That no matter what happens between us or to us we were it for eachother. I just want to honor him until i can be with him again."

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Hello Kristen,

I have been putting my living room back in order following painters and ran out of energy. Off to take a nap shortly. I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your Marcus. I am not certain why you think you might not belong here. You lost your soulmate....that makes you a member. Is it your age? If so, there are younger members here often. Is it because you do not plan to have another partner? Many of us do not plan that. I do not. I can't imagine anyone thinking you are making light of their grief and suffering. You are welcome here and over time more and more people will jump in and out. There are several of us who are here a lot more than others but all who come are welcome and will welcome you...that I know for sure. Were you in the car when Marcus had his accident? Is that why you feel you failed him? That feeling of "did I fail him/her?" is common. I felt it and many here felt it. We are here because we love/d and cared and we could not do enough for the person we love so guilt or feeings of failure are all but a natural reaction. If you want to share those feelings they are welcomed also. Your ferret friend sounds so sweet and I saw the photo...so cute. A dog sitter, eh? You are in good company....most, maybe all, of us love our pets. Here is my Bentley, a therapy dog now. Off to my nap. Grief is exhausting. I hope you take naps. They are not just for we elders :) They are for all grieving people. Bentley Friedel-Hunt, now age going on 9. post-14525-0-51693700-1366486058_thumb.j

Peace

Mary

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Dear Kristen,

Thank you for sharing more about Marcus and your life together. It helps to know more about your relationship, about Marcus, and about how you two loved each other. What a loving and caring man! I know things are going to work out for you with the business, your life, and the future, and it is just going to take some time. Please give yourself all the time you need to heal, feel strong and whole again, and to turn and look at the future. It takes a while. Right now, let yourself flow with the moment, and be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you can imagine.

Blessings, and peace to you, dear Kristen.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Your Marcus and my Bill had a lot in common...loving, caring, taking things apart, fixing things,daughters, cooking., humor. I lost my chef though we cooked together a lot. This is a tough journey and your feelings are all normal and ones we all feel or felt. Time for my nap. Mary

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I hope you have a nice nap. When you get a chance i'd like to hear more about your Bill. What was his specialty when he cooked? I'm mainly eating junk food now. He used to feed me so well. Made delicious tuna steaks and eggplant rollitini. I used to love to what him chop vegetables.

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Bentley is a very good looking pup. Funny about the naps. I have always taken naps. Something Marcus and i kinda dissagreed on. An afternoon nap on a nice spring or fall day....so nice. I'm a little hesitant now of sleeping though last night was peaceful. I think maybe that's why he thought sleep was a waste of time. He knew-he told me he would die young.

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Thanks, Kristen. You asked about Bill. Thank you. Bill was a poet, woodworker, clinical psychologist, sensitive, fun, could do anything kind of guy. He and I worked together (practiced at our own clinic sometimes with other therapists, sometimes not), hiked together, RV life for 2 years, renovated one home, built a second...I mean we built it along with a team of contractors. He was also big on presentation of food. I have hundreds of his poems and for 25 years and more (we knew each other 12 years before marrying) we exchanged cards/poems on our monthly anniversary and more. He was not perfect...no one is...nor was I but we had something that others would tell us they saw and envied. I was blessed and am grateful.

The sun is out today...cold out but not bitter. A sign that perhaps spring will actually come this year but the weather report says snow tonight and tomorrow night and rain all week again. The snow won't amount to anything but upstate and MN had 12 inches yesterday. Who knows.

Take your naps...every day. I assume you are going to continue your dog care business in time...is that correct? Or is it on the list of ...not sures?

Take care

Mary

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Hi Mary,

It's so nice that you and Bill had such a special bond. That is something no one can take from you though i know at the darkest of times that may not be a comfort as it isn't for me i hope it is for you. Bill sounds like a wonderful man. I bet he and Marcus would have a lot to talk about. They both sound like very personable men. I hope you get a spring this year. Spring makes me sad. I was so excited for this spring. Now i'm at a loss. I have overnights to do at a house by where Marcus and I lived. He didn't like me staying at this house just because of the location. He was very protective of me. I'm going to be staying there tomorrow night monday night and tuesday night. I'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. As it is i feel like i have no home anymore. Now to go there and not have his text messages and phone calls-he'd even drive by in the morning and leave me messages on my car. I miss him so much. Sometimes i can't catch my breath. I don't want to catch it anymore. I am going to make the business work in his honor. Make it all we wanted it to be. The nice thing about this house is the woman that lives there is an amazing woman. She does so much for animals and has suffered so much loss in a short amount of time. I never knew how she kept going and to continue to give back to others....i am happy for people who are in love, but going into a clients house that is covered in love notes....that was our home. Maybe if i have internet service i'll tell my story here while i'm there. I know this is only the beginning of the firsts i'll have to go thru. I don't think i have it in me.

How was your lunch?

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Kristen,

I'm sorry you lost your love 13 days ago. That's about the time frame I entered this site nearly eight years ago. I remember wondering how I would survive without George, it is the hardest thing in the world but this site helped me beyond belief! Learning to stay in the moment and not try to take on all of the future helped. Learning my feelings are valid and normal. And learning to voice myself to others and stand up for myself. It has been quite a journey, I've learned a lot...and there's not a one of us who wouldn't trade everything for five minutes back with our loved one.

Thank you for sharing with us about your Marcus, it helps us know you better as a couple and I find it helps to talk about them.

And of course you belong here! There are a LOT of "complicated" situations represented here, some haven't posted for a while but check in now and then, but anyone who has lost someone they love belongs here.

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I am awake past 2 in the morning. I was reading through this thread. To ALL of you, my eyes shed tears for the losses of your loves, partners, soulmates.

I'm so wrapped up in my darling and his failing health and now my own... It is quite difficult to read.

You all have tremendous courage in your survival, no matter when you lost your loves or how old you are.

Bless you all.

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Hi Mary,

It's so nice that you and Bill had such a special bond. That is something no one can take from you though i know at the darkest of times that may not be a comfort as it isn't for me i hope it is for you........ Spring makes me sad. I was so excited for this spring. Now i'm at a loss. .....As it is i feel like i have no home anymore. .......I am going to make the business work in his honor. Make it all we wanted it to be. .........Maybe if i have internet service i'll tell my story here while i'm there.

How was your lunch?

Good morning, Kristen, Yes, we had a special connection as you and Marcus did. And in time that will comfort you as it does me now. I find the change of seasons is a challenge at times. It marks more time gone since Bill died. It is more change. Some, like spring and summer, are times of increased activity here in our village and people planning trips etc. And though I am happy for them, it reminds me that I do not have that now with Bill. I am sorry you do not have your home, very sorry....it is too bad the landlord/lady would not allow you to take over the lease, if you had wanted to. I do hear you speak about commitment to your business and that will provide you with some meaning and purpose as you begin this journey through grief and heal some. We will all welcome your story when and if you decide to share it. It is totally up to you what you share, of course.

My lunch was short and sweet which is what I needed yesterday. I was pretty tired. Still am today. Today I plan to get more order in the part of my house that is newly painted and prepare for the painter to do the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow. He will be here most of the week but I am hoping he may finish sooner than he anticipated. He works 2-3 houses at once as he waits for paint to dry before going on and keeps people's homes from being totally disrupted by doing one room/area at a time but it prolongs the ordeal. It is cold here and snow is predicted followed by rain until next weekend. It is snowing just a few miles north of us....welcome to spring in Wisconsin. :) Take care of yourself. Peace, Mary

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Shannon, thank you, and you have more on your plate, there's no way you could NOT be wrapped up in what you're going through! All of us are when it is fresh or we are in the middle of it.

Mary, Your Sweet Beings" was precious. You are right, we are lucky indeed to have the sweet beings that come into our lives.

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Hi Mary

i'm sitting at a Mexican place waiting for my former boss turned friend. i'm sitting here with glass of wine that i think Marcus would've liked. i'm on the verge of tears as they sing happy birthday to someone. Marcus wouldn't like me sitting in here waiting for her like this. he was protective of me, but not in a bad way. i was down that road in my early 20's. Marcus just loved me. i miss him so much. this overnight is going to be hard. he used to message and call me all the time when i was there to make sure i was ok. that connection we speak of- i know so many say that and it's written on cards all the time, but that feeling that feeling you have with Bill and i have with Marcus it's almost indescribable. i have so much bottled up and don't know how to get it out. i believe Marcus felt the same way with all he struggled with-some big things to do with me. i hate myself for that. I'm glad you are getting your place together. my friend is here. write more tonight. i hope you're hear and well

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I am alone again. 2 drinks in and i'm so grateful for my friend yet so lost and sad right now. sitting here myself missing my Marcus

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Have you thought about a grief counselor as an outlet. I do not know where you live but if you call Hospice they probably have some names of grief counselors? You said you have so much bottled up...and having a counselor can be extremely helpful. You might consider that.

Not sure what you mean by "2 drinks in".

I hope your evening and night is filled with some sleep....

Peace

mary

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I have had 2 glasses of wine. on my 3rd and my friend is gone. everyone says i should talk ti someone but i don't know who to talk to. he would hate me sitting here drinking. something happened last night. i think he is mad at me. i hate being here. here in this life. not on this site. this site has been a huge comfort. how do you keep going???? I want to make him proud, but i also just want to curl up and give up. Mary-your strength is so admirable. very much like MM. I hope you're night is going much better then mine.

Could you show me the portrait your friend drew of Bill? I'd love to see it

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I forgot to answer your question. I kept going early on by seeing a grief counselor and being in a spousal loss group run by our local Hospice and by coming to this group and by taking one day at a time, keeping in touch with friends, reading, crying, journaling...one day, sometimes one hour at a time. I did not want to go on but I knew I would and I knew I would eventually find something that means something to me...I trained my dog to be a therapy dog and we start next week with mentoring. I started watercolor lessons and joined a group of women who paint together. I will share my first painting here. It tells you how I felt.

#2 pdf Agony.pdf This was inspired by Gayle Curry.

I still paint but have to push myself to do it but won't allow myself to quit.

You can do this...but I urge you to seek out a counselor following my suggestions and put the wine away and switch to herbal teas to relax you. There is nothing wrong with A glass of wine but you are on #3...not a wise choice. I don't mean to sound like a mother but you asked me how I did it and refraining from alcohol was one way. I would have a glass socially but I never drink at home alone...ever. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I never want to go down that road. So I am really on top of that.

End of my preaching. Sorry about that. :blush: I am concerned.

Mary

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I screwed this post up so it precedes the one above. I am going off line now....

Kristen, I am concerned about the wine. Alcohol is a depressant. It is not
going to lift your spirits. People think it relaxes them and it can but
ultimately it can make it worse. I really urge you to empty the bottle, dump
it and switch to hot tea which WILL relax you.

As for finding a grief counselor, you can call the nearest Hospice and they
may have a list of local grief counselors. Or you could call a local mental
health center or if you have a doctor ask the doctor who they refer patients
to for counseling but if there is a Hospice they would know best. If you
feel like sharing the name of your nearest city I might be able to help you
find something but do follow up on this. You can NOT do this alone and I
think you need some support based on what you are sharing. WE all need it. I
was in a grief spousal loss group and I did individual counseling after Bill
died as well as this group....and as you know I am a therapist and I sought
out assistance as this was bigger than me.

Please consider putting the wine down the sink....it will just make you feel
sadder.
Mary

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I am at my overnight now. i'm sitting here missing him so much. i hear trucks pass and i think they are his. Thank you for caring so much about me. i only had 2 sips of the 3rd drink then left. i know he wouldn't want me there. i'm just so sad. i don't know how to do this without him. we both used alcohol to get by in our last marriages and we didn't drink much together. didn't need or want it. i wanted to remember everything we shared. I'm so lost without him.

thank you Mary for listening to me. truely-thankyou. i hope you sleep peacefully tonight.

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Mary-i love your concern for me. makes me feel special. kind of like Marcus made/makes me feel. thank you.

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Mary, I applaud you for saying something...I wanted to but since I don't know Kristen yet, I felt uncomfortable speaking up, but Kristen, Mary is right, alcohol will not help anything, it will only sink you furter in despair. I have my drinks at home rather than "drinking and driving", but it's rare that I have a drink, very rare, and never when I'm feeling down, maybe 1/2 glass wine once every few months. I had an alcoholic father and also MIL, so I'm careful about it.

Kristen, why do you think Marcus is mad at you? Why would he be? I've never felt that way about George, that's why I wonder. I think he knows how hard it is and that I'm trying my best. If anything, I'd think he'd want to comfort me and encourage me.

Surviving this...it was one day at a time, trying to stick to the present and not worry about "the rest of my life" which was way too much to handle. I went to a grief counselor but he wasn't very good so I quit. Most people have better experiences with theirs than I did, but this is a very small town and very limited in choices. This site saved me, the support here. Expressing myself made me feel some restoration of the power I felt I lost when George died and no one asked me what I wanted! I also used art to express myself. Creativity is very restorative. The aloneness was hard, esp. weekends when I wasn't at work and I had a hard time sleeping. I was lucky to have a good supportive workplace at the time, but my job ended shortly after he died and being out of work and so alone was hard, but I survived it. It's amazing what we survive. I remember putting his pictures up, taking them down, up, down, depending on what I felt I could handle at the time. Right now they're up. There is no right or wrong way to do this, only our way, we're all unique and so is our grief journey going to be. Our friends disappeared after his service, I didn't expect that but it's common, that was hard. I've made new friends. I learned a lot. What I've learned are the blessing, the silver lining in the cloud. We aren't the same person "afterwards", but sometimes we're better. We learn compassion. The hardest part seems to be finding our new sense of purpose...and of course our identity...that takes time. But you'll make it, same as we all did. I didn't want to at first, but I did, I had to.

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Dear Kristen,

I am so sorry for your pain and for the deep sense of loss and aloneness you are having. I hold you in my heart, dear One. You are on this most challenging journey of your life right now, trying to find your way through a labyrinth of loss, and more grief than one heart can bear to carry alone. That is why we are here for you.

Kristen, I love a glass of good wine. I know I am not recovered from grief enough to have it very often, so a bottle lasts about a month. 6 ounces per day is the absolute maximum for anyone who is grieving. It is a depressant. No alcohol at all is better for at least the first year or so, actually, I think. YMMV, as they type. :) But I know it is too early for you to have any alcohol. Not now. Wait.

Please, dear One, do these things tomorrow:

1) *Call Hospice and find a grief counselor. Schedule a meeting.

2) *Find out if there is a local grief support group through hospice or a church. Go to a meeting.

3) *Let your parents know that you are seeking professional help. It will open doors of loving kindness among you.

4) *Pour the wine down the sink, and put flowers in the bottle.

5) *Keep fresh flowers, even if only one or two daffodils, each week. You need some beauty around you.

6) * If you are an AA member, consider going to a few meetings, even if you are feeling all right. You will find comfort and strength there.

7) *If you and Marcus had a priest or pastor, rabbi or healer, please go see that person.

Now, you have seven purposes for yourself for this week.

I believe in you, and I believe that you can accomplish one self-caring, compassionate, gentle and loving act for yourself each day that lets you body and heart know that you love and cherish them. Your entire being needs to be aware that you are going to take the very best care possible of your entire being. This is your prayer, your song of gratitude for life that you get to quietly hum this week, dear Kristen.

We will never, ever be the same, but we are still here.

We have a purpose.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I have no magic words of wisdom except to say that we will have to 'feel' the pain of loss before we reach that place where we can take that loss and make it part of our new life. Somewhere down the line that will happen because we are strong. We can make it through any challenge. I have always found chocolate anything solves many of my moments of despair especially if we can't change the outcome of our new lives! Anne

post-15704-0-09807800-1366618891_thumb.j

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Kristen, we are a loving group and I do know that having someone concerned about you feels good when we are used to living with someone who was concerned 24/7. Puts a teaspoon of rich soil in the Grand Canyon inside of you. Soon there will be enough to put in a seed of hope.

I know you are getting lots of advice here from people who care...advice about counseling, wine, and more. In the end, everything is your decision and just because we all believe that drinking wine or alcohol right now is not good for you (and it is not good for you) it is your decision and we are counting on you to let us know how that works for you...i.e. do not be afraid to come back and tell us you over indulged on wine. You will NOT get judged, just supported with love and concern.

I hope your night went well and that your day goes smoothly...as smoothly as possible.

Give serious thought to fae's list of things to do today....more than thought...do some of them for yourself.

Peace

mary

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Kay, I understand your hesitation. I had exchanged a couple of posts here and I have a thing about alcohol and grief...they are just not a good mix. I think I could count on well 10 fingers how many drinks (wine or beer) I have had since Bill died. It just makes things worse as it is sugar and as you know that is a depressant. An immediate feel good and then plop...down you go. I blew it with sugar a while ago and felt like I had a hangover the next day. I had a few hangovers right after leaving the convent...before I learned that 2 small glasses of anything with alcohol in it is my absolute limit and usually one and more often Diet Coke as bad as that is for you.

I hope you feel better today as you get off to work. I have a friend in my sister's town who lost her husband about 4 months ago and is a nurse part time and feels it is good for her to work and that reminded me that I worked also after Bill died getting the Voice to press until last August...a job that was close to full time. Now I am seeing two clients a week and diddling my life away for a while. I will see maybe 5 clients in the fall, get serious about my art and maybe do some writing. I have a two day art workshop this week.

I assume Arlie is good today and hope the kitty cat is better. Take care. Mary

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