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My dad died August 30, 2005 from injuries he recieved in a motorcycle accident. It was completely unexpected and took us all by suprise. He was the toughest man I have ever known. He survived 2 heart attacks, a quadruple by-pass, removal of his esophogus due to cancer, and a month long coma after a battle with AARDS (acute adult respiratory distress syndrome where the lung fill up with fluid and lose their elasticity, usually resulting in death from drowning.) Anyways, after his death, my mom, brother and sister all became blubbering fools to put it mildly, which left me the middle son, to step up and make sure everything was taken care of properly. So I did. Which I don't mind a bit, but it left me no time to let anything sink in. It is now a couple of months past all of the services and family has all gone home, and my life is an absolute wreck... NOTHING makes any sense to me anymore, NOTHING matters to me anymore. I am a few weeks away from graduating college at 35 years old and that doesn't matter neither. I am to a point I could just turn and walk away from everyone and never look back, including my wife and kids....(couldn't just leave the kids, but...)

Is this normal or am I going nuts???? I just don't even feel like the person I used to be...

Any help would be greatly appreciiated. Thanks in advance.

Scott

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Guest jodirae

jeepxtreme-

I can so relate to the way you are feeling. I lost my 60yr old Mom on 9-29-05 from mouth & throat cancer. She was diagnosed 6-22-05 & was gone within 3 mo. She was my best friend.

My father passed away when I was very young so the only "blood" relative I had was my Mom. I was with her every step of the way from the first doct visit to the last breath she took. She decided after the unexpected emergency trachiotomy that she was done with all treatment & wanted to be placed in Hospice care. She chose to stop all nutrients including water at that time (she had a feeding tube inserted in July). I took care of her by myself in my home for 4 of those weeks then her symptoms got so bad she had to be placed in a Hospice home. I watched for 5 weeks her decline by myself. Hospice supported her decision to be placed in a drug induced come for the last 2 weeks of her life.

I feel lost without her & want to do nothing but cry. Everyone around me acts like nothing major has happened & that everything should feel normal and it doesn't! I think about her all the time and I dwell on the things that poor woman went through with this cancer. I have 2 small children that I have to go on for. When my Dad passed away it was something my Mom never recovered from and as a child I suffered her grieving.

The only advice that I can give is to keep going for yourself & your kids - isan't that what your Father would have wanted you to do? Keep his memory alive & fresh for your children. I know that is want I want to do for mine.

I hope this helps just a little - at least to say you are not alone in your feelings. Only time & faith will heal the pain we are feeling.

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Guest Deester

I understand how you feel....being numb and shaken is normal after such a huge loss. It is like one's reaction to a severe physical trauma, except the trauma is emotional...you go into shock. I did the same when my mother diea. My relatives accused me of not grieving after mom died, but I was walking around in shock because I was the one who took care of mom and I was the one who was with her when she couldn't breath...I was traumatized. I didn't care what they thought....I wasn't in the mood to defend myself or make excuses....I wanted to hide and/or get away from all of it. I was ever so greatful for Hospice becuase the groups and counselors helped me know what I was expereincing was normal.....how could I have known? I'd never been in that situation before. Go to grief counseling if you can....it will help you get some perspective. It did for me.. The only way to grieve is to go through it....there is no way around it....that is what they taught me. Deester

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I am sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a parent unexpectedly, although the circumstances are different, the pain and grief is the same. I had to keep going on eventhough it was very difficult. I didn't know what to do with myself, I would make coffee and forget the coffee or forget to put the water in the pot. I would get half way to work and realize that I had my slippers on or my pajama bottoms. It sure does take a lot of energy to manage grief and pain, but it does get better. I has been 2 1/2 years since my mom died and really, it still feels like yesterday sometimes. It is best not to make any difficult decisions at this time (like leaving family, moving, etc). Sticking to a schedule and taking care of yourself is important.

Sometimes life just does not make sense and really, I never even gave death much of a thought even though I had been to many family member funerals; until my mom died. Then it hit me that "Wow, this is heavy", and then my whole outlook changed. I am "older" as in experiences and feelings and managing myself, and I now realize that I won't be here forever either (which can sometimes induce a panic attack) and when it comes down to it "letting go" is the least stressful course, but the hardest thing to do.

I found it helpful to write my mom a letter after she died saying what I could not say in life and this was very healing for me, I have the letter still and I read it sometimes.

I guess everyone is different and what may work for me may not work for you. Finding your way through this is hard, but you must because dealing with it once and for all, is much better than putting it off and dealing with it over and over and over everytime you have a stressor in your life.

Take care.

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I agree about the part about keeping a schedule. When my mom died a year ago I was devastated to the point where I could have just holed up in the house and grieved and maybe have not seen anyone, but....I had to force myself to go into work everyday (Even if I fell apart crying driving home in the car everynight), I went and cooked dinner for my dad and brother and his fiance every Sunday (even though there were Sunday's I would have preferred to not leave the house). Gradually, it seems in tiny, tiny, imperceptible little increments of forcing myself out in the world everyday, I got a little better. Some weeks all I could do was go to work and then when I came home most nights to a favorite T.V. show that I would lose myself in. Somehow those episodes of the Gilmore Girls - with the mother and daughter relating and Joan of Arcadia- dealing with death and spirituality ( I can't believe they cancelled that show) and Lost - with all of the characters having to face their worst fears and Medium and even Everwood- with the characters having to go on after they lost their mother. I know it sounds corny but during the first year of my mother's death all those shows that had messages and this website where I could vent sometimes and a schedule that I had to stuck to all helped me get through. Who says T.V. is bad for you?

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jeepxtreme,

Wow...you got some really 'expert' advise here from some other members! So, WHAT THEY SAID. Plus, to shed some more light, you aren't quite the same person you were, any more than any of us are after a loss ( or several ), so it's normal to feel that way, too, as it's REAL. How could we be the same? Any change in our lives changes something inside us, so certainly a major loss makes for some pretty big inner upheaval. Many people see some changes for the good afterwards, but this is usually, from what I've heard, quite some time in the future, not soon afterwards. It's a long journey back to the new normal, which likely doesn't feel much like the old normal. I know this sounds bleak, but then I'm still mourning, too, and yet I've seen at least some better changes in myself, even though it's only been about 2 years for me since my last losses ( mother and brother, in 2 months' time ). This doesn't come fast and furious enough for my liking, but at least it's come somewhat. It's enough, I suppose, to give me at least a little hope for my future self. I might add though, that there are still days when I don't seem to truly care much about anything, not the way and with the same intensity that I used to. I hate that part.

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Hey there Jeepxtreme,

As Maylissa said, you have gotten some really good, solid advice from all these folks who know a little something about grieving, and as Maylissa said, WHAT THEY SAID!

I'm 41 years old now, but when I was 24 years old, 1 1/2 weeks away from my 25th birthday, my dad at age 48 had a massive heart attack, and unlike your dad, he did not survive. I am the oldest of 3 girls, and like you our families came and stayed for a while, but then all went home, and I was the "rock" for my family, my mom and my sisters and anyone else who needed to lean on someone. I had all the legal responsibilities to close out all of his affairs, etc., and it was very difficult, although like you, I wouldn't change it for the world, I felt it was the least I could for him. I love my dad very much and we were very close and this was a very tramatic experience for myself, and my family. It was June 29, 1989, and I don't know where you live or if you remember, but we were living in the Bay Area at the time (SF, CA), and on October 17th, 1989 was the huge earthquake that rocked all the way north to SF and all the way south to Watsonville and everything in the middle. I worked in Menlo Park at the time (about 1 hour from home), home was San Jose and Campbell. I went straight to my mom's, it took me about 2 1/2 hours to get there, and when I did, she said "your dad's pissed that he died"! We all knew she was kidding, but for some reason, it resonated.

Maylissa was also correct in the timing of it all. It took me 11 years, ELEVEN LONG years, to finally come to terms, to have peace, to deal, to accept, to let go of the pain. I wasn't married when my dad died, I only met my husband a year later, so he never got to know my dad, and visa versa, and my dad never got to walk me down the aisle. We've been married now going on 13 years, together for 15, and for 11 of those years, I was grieving my dad's death. I've learned that I can let go of the pain without letting go of him, but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work and you have to be a willing participant.

All of what you are going through is totally normal, and it will take some time, but I have also learned on this journey of mine, that a lot of it is making a choice, a choice to be healthy, a choice to say, it's okay to let go of the pain without letting go of the person I love. I also agree in the previous post that you shouldn't make any major decisions right now about leaving or whatever, that you should wait at least one entire year, if not longer. I made a lot of choices and decisions in the year that followed my dad's death that I wish I could go back and change, but I can't, so give yourself some time. When people, even your spouse, seem to be impatient with your grief, or seem to not understand or uncaring, or when they don't have anything to say, it doesn't mean they don't care or don't love you, it just means that aren't feeling what you are feeling and they don't know how to deal with it, they don't know how to console you, they probably want to "fix" it for you, but they realize that they can't, so they say or act in these ways that seem hurtful, but they aren't meant to be hurtful. Just gently remind them that you are going to need a lot of time and patience from them, and it isn't going to "get better" over night.

I also agree that counseling would be very beneficial to you. I went to counseling after my dad died for about 2 months, and it was wonderful, it was christian counseling, so it was the same faith base that I have, so that would be important as well, to align with whatever faith you may or may not have (I can't imagine not having any faith). It helped me tremendously.

You are not alone, and what you are feeling is totally normal. The important thing is to be careful in the decisions and choices that you make, that if it's too big of a decision/choice, that you put it off as long as you can, and definitely get into a routine and stick with it even if it's boring, until you get a place where you can go on productivily and healthily without being in the boring routine.

I also agree about writing, as I am a writer, I highly advocate writing. I wrote many letters to my dad, to myself, to people who had hurt me, none of them were ever mailed, and I was able to release tons of "stuff" and begin the journey of moving on.

I describe my journey to people as the defining moment that changed my life forever, and it's true, we will never be the same after loss. Another choice we can make, however, is how we let that affect our future, the rest of our lives. Will we be better people for it, or will we let it destroy us and our lives. I chose to let it make me a better person, a stronger person with strong character, and I desire to reach out to a hurting world, even if one person at a time.

I'm on this post because I lost my 16 year old baby Meow-Meow on 10/25/05. I got her months after my dad died, and I love her as much as any parent could love their child. She is the biggest, most painful loss since my dad, and I've lost my grandmother, my step-grandmother, my father-in-law, my husband's grandmother, and others since my dad died, yet Meow-Meow has been the hardest loss for me in those 16 years.

You can write me any time, I will always be here for you or anyone else who needs to talk.

I have many favoriate scriptures, and many that have been with me on this grief-journey of mine, but these 2 are my absolute favoriate, and I'd like to share them with you.

1. Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted".

2. Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint".

Your friend,

Tracy

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Guest Guest_sarah_*

My heart goes out to you. I lost my dad close to a year ago. He died very suddenly. I was very close to my dad and his death stopped my world. I still dont know how to function emotionally. And God Bless my husband for not leaving me because if it wasnt for my daughters I would have left him and all of my father memories behind. I hated my husband. I didnt know why at the time, but know I realize that it gave me something to do other than miss my dad. my husband stayed with me over this past year and for that he deserves a medal. I wish I could tell you how long it will take to feel better, but I dont know. I am still looking for that answer myself. Give your wife and kids a hug. Let them know how much it means to have them in your life, draw strength from them. God Bless and Best Wishes with your healing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't have any advice, really, since I just lost my mom two months ago. But I don't think going back to "normal" is possible. A new "normal" has to be created. How, I don't know. For me it's my faith and my family, in that order. I still feel empty and some days are ridiculously hard and, for the first time in my life, I'm not thrilled that Christmas is just around the corner.

My heart goes out to you!

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I just want to thank everyone that has replied to me. This has been probably the most difficult time in my life. It certainly doesn't seem to be getting any easier with Christmans coming... That was expected though.

My life is still pretty much in an uproar, but I did manage to finish out my last semester of college. I have just my student teaching to do and then I graduate in the spring. That, too, is going do be rough without my dad there, but I am reserving him a seat with a single red rose on it for the commencement. I know he will be there. Again, thank you everyone for being there when I really needed to reach out.

Scott

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  • 3 weeks later...

I know exactly how you feel. I just lost my dad on December 10, 2005. I have to say this has been the hardest holiday of my life. I am 23 years old and working on my masters degree and working full time as a teacher and I just feel like given up and walking away from everything. My dad was an alcoholic for many years and we all knew he was sick for a while but he wouldn't talk to us about it. He was unexpectedly hospitalized for whooping cough (of all things) and pressed the doctors about checking his liver (this all began just a few days before Thanksgiving). We found out he had liver cancer, the doctors gave him a few months and I was hoping he would be here for Christmas but I knew that wouldn't happen. He passed about a week after we all found out it was cancer. Much like you I felt I had to keep things strong for the rest of the family, but inside I am falling apart. I feel bad for crying unexpectedly because a thought of him has popped into my head. It is really starting to sink in for me and I am scared and lonely. Besides my husband my dad was my best friend and I do not know what to do now without him. I wonder if it will ever get better, myself. The truth is I don't know if it will ever get better.

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