Everything Changed~

[babygirl3]

I'm new to the site. I just found out about it yesterday. I've read a lot of the post and am so grateful to not be alone. I wish I would have known about this sooner. I would like to give you an idea of what has gone on and hope we can help each other through this pain. My Dad passed away May 3rd 2012. He was diagnosed with 3a inoperable lung cancer in January 2012. The diagnosis was a complete shock. My Mom has had 2 cancer's (breast and stomach) and her family has 7 out of 8 kids have cancer and 3 have passed away due to the disease. While you never are prepared to hear about your Parents death, cancer was NOT what we were supposed to lose Dad too. He was a Baptist Preacher and I've been taught all my life how things go but being a Christian did not make his death any easier. I take that back. Dad ask two things of me Don't cry and don't be mad at God. I was never mad at God. I'm still not. I hate cancer and what it does to the person that has it and what it does to those of us who watch what it does to the person we love. At diagnosis, I was in total shock and couldn't stop crying. My Parents have had a lot of medical issues but I knew this was it and I had never felt that before. I was crying one night and I had not been able to talk to Dad. I heard my 15 year old say, "Hi Papa" (she had called!) and I heard his voice. I took the phone, balling and he said we were going to do that everyday until I could get through a call w/o crying. The oncologist were going for 2 years. We were given 3 1/2 months. I came to Phoenix as scheduled by Dad (it was as if he knew exactly how he had it planned) and 2 days after being there, hospice came. The nurse told me he was going and I flew out of my chair and went to him and asked why. I wanted nurses and a dr. in the house. Why?? He told me he and Mom had discussed this and they wanted it this way. I handed him a box of Kleenex and he said don't make me cry. I said you are going to cry. I was able to tell him everything I wanted to say. I will never forget that talk. Then, I stopped crying. I smiled every time I went to Hospice. If I was upset I left it at the door and gave him the person I knew he needed to see. I was the only family member who discussed his cancer with him. The other's said they were being positive. Dad and I were alike in ways and were realistic. If God did not intervene, this was it. He cried to me. Worried about Mom. Never complained about pain or radiation (even after getting radion pneumonitis) which was the beginning of the end. I had no idea how hard of a hit I was taking. The moment he passed away. I was a totally different person. I'm still different. I only remember flashes of coming home from Phx to Atl and driving to Ohio where his services were. The flashes of the talking and laughter while my Dad was lying in a casket was almost out of body...I wanted to scream SHUT UP!!! I didn't care who I hadn't seen or how long, I was not a welcoming committee. My family put on an incredible show of strength to the point I call them the Kennedy's. I had no idea. They decided I was addicted to Xanax (which I wasn't) and lied to me, which caused me to lie to my daughter and put me in a prepaid 30 day rehab program. I was still completely out of it and everyone around me was smoking. I was numb. I have a neurological disorder and stress makes it worse. So the family that should know me and that situation, decided that disorder (my gait is off, speech slurred, blurry vision...) was an addiction not a disorder. Even though ALL OF THEM where there when I was 22 and it happened. By day 10, after 2 days of trying to explain my case, I through a major fit and signed out w/o medical approval and was told by my brother (who paid) that I was a f'ing bad Mom, Daughter and person. My daughter has been going through issues that they do not believe in and neither do I but this is my child and I will not lose her. That being said, I've lost all of my family (extended as well). No one to talk too. My daughter is online schooling and she is home with me and I am not working. She has been here through all of this. I used to wake up screaming. I talk and dream now almost nightly about Dad and even other's that have passed away. I feel like I haven't slept forever. Due to my neuro disorder and my gait being off, I fell in June feeding the dogs down a some stairs and broke my leg in 2 places and the bone split. I had ORIF surgery and 13 screws and a plate inserted which put me in a wheelchair for 9 weeks. I've been trying to physically and emotionally heal ever since. My Mom is coming to visit the 21st. I'm afraid. I'm angry with my family for what they did but I know they will never own the hurt they caused me during the worst time of my life. I listen to so much music. Pray to where God probably has me on mute. It takes a piece of you away and I'm not sure how you learn to live again. Dad was the person I talked to for a lot of things. He told me to unconditionally love my daughter. I am. Regardless, I am. I feel extremely distant. I don't want to be close to anyone. I don't talk on the phone. It is as if I've forgotten how to socialize. I had no idea something could hurt so much or you could feel so lost. Dad wouldn't want this for me in a million years but I have no desire to move on. How or when do you that? I'm sorry this is so long. d

[babygirl3]

Does anyone feel like they have shut everyone out and you are afraid to feel again? Like, what is the point, you never want to experience that hurt again and the only way not to is to maintain distance???

[kayc]

Losing the person you love to death changes a person...grief is a long journey and does not leave you the same. Yes, it's a common response to hole yourself up; it helps to make some conscious effort to not isolate yourself...maybe set a small goal (one person here said she tries to force herself to get out once a day) that's easily attainable. Have you considered a grief counselor? You also might try a grief support group.

Of course we don't desire to ever experience grief again, and yet we have to realize that the degree of grief we experience is in correlation to the depth of love we had...and life would sure be bland without it!

[babygirl3]

I'm just starting to deal with a grief counselor and I really do love this forum to read where people are dealing with the same issues. With my family not talking about it, it is very hard because they are who knew him best. I think you are exactly right in setting small goals. It has become clear to me that it is way to easy to close yourself off as opposed to opening up again. Tomorrow I have plans to do some shopping with my daughter. I REALLY appreciate your input. It helps to be able to share feelings but not do a group in person yet. This is a good start for me. Thank you so much!!!

[babygirl3]

Yesterday was 11 months and I had a really hard time with it. The year coming up is really weighing on me. Not sure why.

[MartyT]

Dear bg3,

It really doesn't matter why you're feeling as you are ~ What matters is that you know how you are feeling ~ and the best way you can deal with this upcoming anniversary of your father's death is to acknowledge (as you have here) that it is "weighing on" you, and then learn what you can do to prepare for it and get through it. You may find this post helpful: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief. ♥

[babygirl3]

Omgosh Marty!!! Thank you so much. I am going through everything I read and was really frustrated with myself. I did think it was a major set back and I've been very hard on myself today. It is good to know that this happens and to allow myself to grieve and love the ideas for helping to get you through the anniversary. The dreams are nightly and I've not gotten much of a break from those. I feel extremely clouded. A lower level of how I was at the services but def painful enough. I really worry about my daughter because I feel like this has taken me so long and I'm lost. She shouldn't have to understand that at 16 (the 25th). Also, her birthday was celebrated in Phx when Dad was in Hospice last year and all of those memories are flooding in. Thank you so much! I will continue reading post and getting some feelings out there because it truly does make a difference. It feels like you are never going to be "ok" again. This is a horrible feeling. xo