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Pursuing Or Suppressing Grief


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As many of you know (I've been in this forum a while) my beloved husband of almost 50 years died last May after suffering a stroke the previous November. I am struggling to say the least. I'm not crying and sobbing much, but just almost passive with grief. I find that I am still in a state of denial that he has truly died, and when the realisation does hit me I somehow distract myself by reading of listening to the radio, anything to fill my mind. I also have to regularly go to see our daughter who is a single mother of a three year old and a baby. They are my joy but also very very tiring for me (I'm 72). Anyway all this is a preamble to ask help. Yesterday, rather than suppressing my feelings as usual I confronted them in two ways. I read a lot of Pete's emails and edited them into a document (to someone else but they contain news about what he and I were doing not long before the stroke hit), and I played a piece of music we loved (Mahler, which I haven't been able to bear listening to). I ended in floods of tears, sobs àfter sobs. Did I feel better or worse after this? Should I do it again? Or should I just let the grief come when it comes? Should I deliberately bring on the pain? If as I know, I am deliberately suppressing it, is that harmful in the long run? I meditate daily (or mostly), I'm trying to bring myself to tend our garden (he was the gardener) believe me I am trying really hard to live on without him, in a bleak bleak world. But how to deal with it? Can any of you advise me? Thanks. Jan

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My dear Jan, It sounds to me like you are pursuing your journey as your heart will tolerate. Already as you mentioned in your post you confronted your feelings in two ways. To me this is huge. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to read Pete’s e-mails and edit them and to listen to a favorite piece of music that both you and Pete loved. Most of all, Jan, I think it is very brave of you to finally allow yourself time to cry. The fact that you cried and sobbed says to me that you are not suppressing anything now. Good for you.

You and I are going along our paths in similar time frames. Both of us have lost our husbands in the same month/year and the pain of separation has been almost unbearable. We have talked about this. We are coming up to our one-year mark. I cannot call it an anniversary. You told me that you also went through Marty’s E-Mail Class early on after you lost Pete. Today Lesson 16 came in my e-mail and the topic was Doing the Work of Mourning. Work is the important word here. It takes work and our grief will just sit until we are ready to do that work. Some great help and links to help us understand what it means to do this work of mourning are in this lesson. I would suggest that you go back and find that lesson and read some of the links. You will find out that crying, sobbing, listening to favorite music, and reading are all things that tell us we are doing all right. I think you are moving forward in your journey – it’s personal for each one of us. Remember, we are going to be gardening and sharing our creations soon. Hopefully your spring is not too far away. I can imagine the sea can remain cold for a while. Love those grandbabies. Anne

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Jan, dear, in addition to what Anne has said, I suggest that instead of telling yourself you're "in denial" about Pete's death, think of it as postponement of your grief, or better still, as dosing. That is, you are learning to take (acknowledge and experience) your grief in doses of a size that you are willing and able to tolerate. This work of mourning is always a choice, you see. We cannot control the fact that our beloved has died, but we do have some control over how we react to it. By "trying on for size" each of the experiences you've described, you are in the process of figuring out what and how much you can tolerate as you confront your grief, and you are discovering how you, as a unique individual, are willing and able to react. You are exactly where you need to be. We each must find our own way, and that is exactly what you are doing. Jan, trust me, you are NOT in denial. The very fact that you are an active member of an online grief support group (and working with a grief counselor) is ample evidence that you know very well the reality of what has happened. You are trying to figure out how best to deal with it, and you are doing just fine. That is not to say that this is easy. It is the hardest work you will ever do. But the point is that you are doing it ~ in your own way, and in your own time. That is exactly how it "should" be.

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Jan, I agree with Anne and Marty. From what you have shared with me, I do not believe you are in denial of Pete's death even though you tell yourself this. I know (as you mentioned) that you fear the pain of the tears and deeper awareness of your grief...I also hear you sharing that you find those tears to be healing and that they release the very pain you fear. Perhaps it is the fear of pain that you fear more than the awareness of Pete's death. Some people fear they will never stop crying once they start but in my experience (personal and professional) I have never seen someone unable to stop crying. I think it is impossible. You seem very clear that Pete has died and you have had many many detours on your journey as you have been called upon to help your daughter and grands so often (something you also enjoy but which wears you out so that you need to recover from those trips and visits) and you have been sick. I hear you asking whether or not you should "sort of force or make yourself cry" by listening to Mahler or reading Pete's writings. I do not believe in forcing anything. I do support you in allowing the tears to flow when you do listen to Mahler (oh, how I know Mahler tears) or read Pete's poems or whatever you choose to do to express and allow your grief. Each of our journeys is unique to each of us and by testing the waters as you are doing you will carve and are carving out your journey in what Marty calls "doses" which is a great way to go in my opinion. Peace to your heart, Mary

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Oh thanks for all those wise words. They each went into my heart and I felt their truth. I think maybe deep down I am wiser than I acknowledge and that I am doing as much as its possible for me to do. I've had fifty years to think about what life would be like without my beloved Pete. I'm glad to say I didn't think about it often, I just enjoyed life and him. But when I did think about it I thought I could not survive without him. Now here I am, and because I have survived his death I suppose I can't understand how. And so I think I live on not believing its happened. But since I think about it all the time, and since much of my time is full of reading about death, spiritual survival, what existence is, other dimensions etc etc my life after Pete's death bears no similarity to that before it. Yes, Mary, you know how much time I have to spend with my daughter and her two little girls, and how it tires me out. And had Pete lived I could not have done this, because he would always be my priority. And they have given me a purpose, which I would not have had, which is a positive in my life, but if I didn't have them I could just concentrate upon mourning Pete full time as it were. Whether that would be a good thing I'm not sure. My love has to find expression in this world, and my little grandchildren need it.

Anne's suggestion to go back to Marty's course is a good one. I took it too fast the first time around. I also have many books which I will dip into again. I think reading Pete's emails may have been good, and listening to music is something I haven't been near, so starting with Mahler may have been too ambitious. Music gets to my heart straight away. It brings tears and I do fear them, Mary. You say that you've never seen anyone not stop crying eventually. In a way I feel that tears are a tribute to Pete and our love for each other. And I don't feel I have cried anywhere near enough. I tend to be very analytical about everything and think about thinking abut thinking about things if you see what I mean. I know one thing,which is that I will never recover from this loss of my true soul mate, but as has been said many times on this wonderful forum, maybe coping with it gets easier. Thanks. I will take it as Marty advised, in doses.

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I don't think you're in denial either. The fact that you sobbed shows you are in touch with your grief and your feelings. I don't recall actively trying to bring on my grief, it just came to me of it's own accord. But I did allow it and dealt with it as it came. I do think my time spent with others was a diversion that kept me busy so I didn't have time to think. In the end, I still had to deal with my grief and I think I miss him more with each passing year. I rarely sob now, but I do have that missing him feeling inside of me all of the time, I just carry it with me.

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