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Been Very Sick


ShanN

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Dear Shannon,

Even though it was not the best birthday ever, I hope there were some moments of happiness for you yesterday.

I am so sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but at last now the doctors know What is wrong, and can begin to find ways to make you feel better, I hope. Your life is rough right now, but things can get better in the future.

I am sending lots of love and prayers for your healing and health, dear Shannon. While this is not an easy time, I hope each day brings a little bit of improvement in your health, and that you soon have more strength to see Leo, take care of yourself, and enjoy the hours of the days.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Shannon, my dear, I couldn't help but think of you when I read this article this morning: Sick with Sadness: Studies Show Bereavement Can Cause Significant Health Problems

Update us only if and when you can. And in the meantime, listen to your doctors, take good care of yourself, and know that we carry you in our thoughts and prayers.

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Shannon,

I wish I could have wished you a Happy Birthday yesterday, but I hope you'll accept it today. I am sorry it came with such shocking news. As you've undoubtedly read here, there have been others here that have gone through some really hard physical things...Anne and fae come to my mind, and I hope it brings you courage and comfort as you see how they've taken their news in and dealt with it. Each person's journey is different, so are the things that come their way, and you surely have been given a lot to deal with. Please know I hold you up in prayer and will continue to. Today is no different than a week ago except now you know why you have been feeling like you have. Now that they know, they can begin treatment in a more effective way. You will have to focus on your fight for YOU, just as Leo has had to focus on his fight for himself, and each of you can continue your fight to live, together, whether you reside separate or together. Oh Shannon, my heart goes out to you. All I know is we do the best we have with what we're dealt, what more can we do? Keep on keeping on...

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Thank you all.

Marty, I had to read the article twice to really absorb it but it makes a lot of sense. Even though I have not lost Leo... I have spent years caring for him, worrying for him. And losing my Mom the way I did. And my caring for her Mom, my Nana, who had cancer twice and watched her decline for years following my Papa's death then my Mom's... Broke her spirit. I guess that has happened to me too. Including the physical and sexual abuse through my childhood. I knew it caused a low immune system in myself as well as high BP and bipolar and anxiety and depression... Never would have imagined cancer. :(

I'm not sure yet how or when to tell Leo this news. It's still not quite setting in for me.

I do have my SIL and BIL and nephew and niece.

It took all of my strength tonight to talk to Leo by phone and not fall to pieces. Our anniversary is Saturday and he wants to see me. So for now that is my immediate goal.

I saw my therapist today and it was difficult to tell her because she just lost her daughter my age Nov 4th. But she is amazing.

I will have a treatment plan when all of my test results come back next week.

I'm so tired. Exhausted. Numb. Heavy hearted. All at once.

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Shannon

I continue to hold you and Leo in the light, to pray for both of you....

Mary

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Dear Shannon,

I am so very sorry for all this trouble heaped on you, dear one.

The very best advice I could offer is to take it one day at a time. We simply must do no more than that: not give worry to the future, nor worry to the past. Please try to stay in the moment, so that your body can have less stress from your emotional state. When I was paralyzed and non-functioning, all I could do was stay in the moment, try to meditate above the pain, and know that Doug was with me every minute even though many people thought he had been gone five months.

Leo is with you in your heart. Your Mom and Nana and Papa are all with you, dear Shannon. Each of them is giving you unending love and compassion, and each is holding your heart with their spirits, sending so much loving energy and compassion to you. Please now, dear one, give that same loving energy and compassion to yourself.

I am glad you have family there. You need loving people around you to help you make it through these next days. I hope you are able to go see Leo, and whether you decide to tell him or wait until you have more information (such as your treatment schedule, your doctors, and other matters) is up to you. You will know when it is time to speak.

I think the most important thing you can do right now is to let in all the love everyone offers to you, and open yourself to let the love flow through your entire being. It can help. I know you will be very gentle with yourself, dear one, as you walk into this new journey, and as you learn more about it . I know you are giving yourself the best care you can imagine. Good of you.

I am holding you and Leo in prayer, in all good intentions, and in love.

Blesings, {{{Hugs}}}, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I appreciate all of you. XO

I slept all day today. I did not speak to my love. But my SIL told him I will see him tomorrow for our anniversary. I'm so overwhelmed. I have never been able to keep things from him... I don't know how I will be able to keep my health crisis from him. I'm trying to think of him because I refuse to get him agitated and worried, ESP when he is in his "confused" states. But he is my partner. He is who I need. I think I am not going to say anything tomorrow... But instead speak to the social worker there and ask if she will be with me when I tell him. I cannot do it alone. Then have to leave him alone. (Yes, I know, in my health crisis... I am still thinking of him first). I know many of you may think that I'm not caring for myself first, but I really am doing my best.

My diagnosis is Non-Hodgins Lymphoma, stage 2. I will be having surgery first. Then chemo rounds and radiation. The schedule is not set yet. But will be ASAP. So I need to tell hubby very soon.

I'm wiped out. Aside from talking to the Dr and my SIL, I've only been able to sleep. And take pain meds and fever meds.

I'm determined to just let my time with Leo tomorrow the anniversary of our wedding... To be light and happy.

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Shannon, dear, I think your choice to have the social worker present after explaining it all to her is a wise decision. I think it is thinking about your needs and his. If you were only thinking of his needs, you would not even tell him but he has a right to know at the right time.

I know four people who have had Non-Hodgins Lymphoma and they are all healthy now..including Bill's son-in-law several years ago. I feel so badly that you now have to go through all this...surgery, chemo, radiation...and we both know that is a long journey. The good news is that it can bring you health in the end...at a pretty taxing price. We will all walk with you through this. I hope you are still in touch with your therapist even if by phone...she is a real consistent person through all this.

You are both in my prayers. Peace, Mary

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Thanks Mary.

Yes indeed, I have my therapist when I need her.

It 1am and I'm just laying here remembering our anniversary and the day we took our vows and all that we have been through. It's bittersweet for sure. :-/

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Shannon, I think today is your anniversary. I may be wrong. I do hope all goes smoothly at the hospital and you are able to spend the time as you wish...celebrating your anniversary with Leo for a while. So glad you are keeping contact with your therapist. In my thoughts, Mary

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Shannon, I am sorry I wasn't on line on your anniversary, but I'm glad you were finally able to see him, and on your special day! I'm so glad you have your therapist to walk with you in this journey. Love to you and prayers for daily strength!

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Yes today is our anniversary.

I spent two hours alone with my dear. But he "sensed" something was not right. I insisted I was fine. Just tired.

I left while he ate his lunch. I called my SIL and BIL. I told my SIL that I had to explain things to Leo. But I couldn't do it alone. They came down and stayed with us when I told him how ill I am and what will be happening. He took it better than I thought. I only decided to tell him because cognitively he is doing really well. His sister reassured him that she would be by my side as things happen. He said he wanted to come home. I told him I really need him to stay where he is where others can watch him and care for him round the clock, because right now I can't.

It was a difficult day. But I treasure every second with him. For him and myself.

I'm exhausted. Hoping to sleep. Just got my temp down finally.

Goodnight.

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In my opinion you did the right thing, Shannon. You are in my prayers. You are not alone.

Mary

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I think I did the right thing too. It's really wearing on me having to be apart from him and feeling somewhat like I'm failing him. But I know I can't care for him until I gt through my health crisis.

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Yes, Shannon. Caregiving is wearing even when you feel just fine...I am glad you know you must wait...and visit as you can.

None of it seems fair and all of it is tough. You are in my prayers.

Mary

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It's nearly 2 in the morning. Yet my mind won't stop racing. Not only do I have the tremendous fear of losing my husband. But added now to that is the even more frightening possibility that HE will lose ME. :(

I'm just so overwhelmed. I saw very real fear in his eyes and heart. I don't want to leave him behind. He is my world and I believe I am his. I want to lay with him and soak him in and have him soak in me.

My body is screaming exhaustion and here I lay awake. I took an extra klonopin to try to help.

I'm anxious to see the oncologist Monday to really get this treatment underway. And understand it all. And anxious to see both my psychiatrist and therapist for support.

Will try to shut my tired eyes. Again. Listening to music of the ocean.

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Shannon, I hope you finally got some sleep last night. Sleepless nights set us back and that is the last thing you need. I hope you can get some sleep today. Mary

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Shannon, try not to take on the fear of his losing you...not just now. Right now focus on fighting the battle of your life to LIVE! One thing at a time, one day at a time. I do understand because I am so thankful, that as painful and horrific as it was to lose the love of my life, I have the blessing of knowing HE was spared having to go through it. I would rather bear anything than for him to have to go through it. That is how love is.

I think you are making the right decisions that you have to make for now. Poor Leo! But he will be comforted when you visit him, and the two of you will hold your time together all the more precious. I had some friends that both got Alzheimer's and they were eventually able to share a room together in the nursing home, and they were so happy to be reunited, they'd spent their lifetimes together! I remember them holding hands, just sitting side by side. When Margaret was finally gone, Roy didn't realize it. When I'd visit him (he no longer knew who I was even though I'd known them for over 30 years), he'd tell me Margaret was in her room and I'd play along. But I just remember how very happy they were when Roy got admitted to the nursing home and they at last got to be together again. I don't think they even cared about the illness, so long as they could be together.

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Just empty...

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Do you mean you're feeling empty?

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Kay,

I don't know...

If I knew, I could write, but I don't know.

I'm tired.

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Am awake past 2am.

Need to be at the hospital at 6:30am. Am having two lymph glands removed from my neck, one from chest, and one from under arm. All on the right side.

I still can't believe this is happening. I just want to be with my husband. I want to go back to when we first met and things were so seemingly "simple". Or just go far far ahead and have us both be ok. :(

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Shannon, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have someone going to the hospital with you and driving you home. Maybe your sil.

Keep in touch as you can.

Mary

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Thoughts are with you. you are stronger then you think or maybe feel at times. let us know how things are when you can. big hug.

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My dear Shannon,

I walk with you as you take care of your body. You know that as we care for our bodies we also care for our souls. Be brave and know that we are with you. My special prayers are with you today as you go through this surgery. Let us hear from you when you are able. Anne

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