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In Darkness Comes The Light


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Somewhere I have a dog bone cookie cutter...in the meantime, I will just do circles and thanks for the tips.

I am sorry they gave you the wrong car...Enterprise is usually flexible. How long will you have that car? If a long time, you might tell them you want the Civic or a discount on gas. Just a thought.

Mary

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That's another thing, they charge $5.60/gal. for gas!

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Thank you for the meditation, Mary. I find it very easy to 'settle' listening to Joan Halifax. I wonder if I'm becoming a Buddist!

Benji loves the dog treats, Kay. My cookie cutter looks just like a bone and he thinks I am the greatest! :wub:

For those who know my beginnings on the forum you will remember this symphony so I’m taking a few minutes to play it again as I do not think it will ever go from my mind. I made this video into a PowerPoint that we cannot play on the forum so I have found one on the Internet that is almost identical to my ppt. It has been buried for several months now but I am replaying it to remind myself just how far I think I’ve come on my journey – baby steps for sure but movement.

I do not see the video as something I shy away from rather I see it as something beautiful that both Jim and I enjoyed on the big screen as he was slipping away to another place that we are not privileged to know about yet.

I shall never forget the twinkle in his eye as we listened together. Jim died as it played. I was sitting next to him. I did not want to believe that he was not breathing. I kept looking at his chest hoping that there would be some movement. There was no pulse. That ache will never leave me. I feel so honored to have been able to have Jim home with me during his last hours. I am grateful that I was able to honor his wish to die at home. Enjoy the video. Anne

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Dear Anne,

You and Jim honored each other in his leaving. As you honored each other with your love.

Thank you for the Symphony . I feel honored to share this time with you.

Be at peace, dear one, and know that the Love is always with us.

Blessings,

fae

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Anne,

Thank you, I do remember your sharing that with me before, it is very special.

I'm so glad Benji loves his treats! They must be good, they sure like them (and they smell so good)!

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Today my memories went to the intimacy Jim and I shared with each other. I miss Jim’s arms around me. I miss those moments when we just held each other. I miss that feeling you get when someone you love kisses you deep and you know you’ve been kissed. I miss his touch. I miss his eyes looking at me.

This is the reality of grief. This is a part of the pain of not having your partner lying next to you. It is not about the physical for me now only I so wish I could feel his arms around me one more time. Feel him breathe on my neck one more time.

I share this short video - one that Marty pinned awhile back on her ‘Grief Healing’ site on Pinterest.

It speaks to the humanness of our loved ones.

The Funeral

Anne

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Oh Anne how wonderful would it be to have that one more time.

More hugs to you.

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Oh Anne, that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. Yes, the sound of him snoring would be such music to my ears...just to hear it and know he's alive...

I feel the same as you. I've gotten accustomed to living without his arms around me...but that doesn't mean I don't miss them every single day, every night.

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Lovely video, Anne. I love that one. I did speak at Bill's funeral briefly at the end...thanked everyone for coming, etc. Then sobbed all the way down the aisle behind his body/casket.

Thinking of you these days as the 25th approaches....

Peace

Mary

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Dear Anne,

I am holding you in my heart, dear one.

Our anniversary and Doug's birthday are the 19th, and I have our two dates circled: the 19th for me, and the 25th for you. No matter if I am in the Yukon then, far from your beautiful desert home, I will be sending prayers and much love that day to you, as I am doing now as well. On the 25th, if I am where I can do so, I will light a candle for you, dear Anne.

I join Mary in wishing you peace for your heart, which is overflowing with Jim's love. We are so wonderfully blessed.

{{{hugs}}}

fae

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Dear 'Tribal' members. My heart is grateful for all your kind words. There are many memories filling my mind as the days approach the 25th. I am still experiencing a deep peace that I won't try to explain. Today was my visit to the cardiac center. After I saw my cardiac nurse I had to go the my last cardiac management class and we had to listen to them explain the equipment that might have to be used when one has congestive heart failure. I must have zoned out because I found myself sitting there with tears pouring out of my eyes. My cardiac nurse, Becky, asked if I was all right and that she understands how frightening all this must be to those dealing with this for the first time. I apologized and said I was fine. It wasn't the equipment at all - I was lost in the memory of Jim no longer here. After I got in the car I put in Dancing Queen from Abba and played it for the next hour as I drove home. Today I could have gotten my first ticket - not from speeding but from having my radio too loud.

Grief is unique to all of us. This song was written for all of us who have experienced grief at a level that leaves us shattered and broken…

Anne

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Lovely song Anne. I am thinking of you at this special time. We are united in our grief. I have managed to get through our day of separation and I'm hoping yours will be bearable. After returning from taking Rainie and her little ones I have been resting. Now have a sore throat and have to continue taking it easy. It's a beautiful morning here. A morning in May - Pete's favourite time of the year. I have to tell myself how many May mornings he enjoyed. Peace to you my dear Anne.

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Anne, what a time you had. Seeing all that equipment would have frightened me. I don't do well with medical stuff...no experience. I am sorry the class was so painful for you...of course it was....and of course, those tears fall as you zoned to your memories of Jim. How I wish Becky had been on her toes and recognized what was going on but how would she know? It would have been so consoling if she had known and responded.

I can see you tearing across AZ roads moving through the yellow lights, hair flying in the wind, music blaring. One of these days, they will catch you :)

You are in my thoughts as you relive and remember during this month. I do know. I am sure memories of all kinds are flooding through you....happy times, tough times with Alzheimer related events, his death and more. I explained to someone that I was living in a theater with memories being projected on the walls of my heart... and there you are in a class focused on the part of you that hurts the most right now. I am with you as you remember.

I am pretty worn out today and might go to the farmers market with Bentley today. It is good for him to meet all the dogs and people. Today is the first Spring Green Bird City event as we are now certified. All days activities and I might wander through the exhibits and that is all...for about 30 minutes and then come home where it feels so good to be. Not sure of anything yet...still in pjs drinking coffee. Just meditated and will do a lot of that today. It helps me get my center back.

Peace and love to you,

Mary

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Lovely song Anne. I am thinking of you at this special time. We are united in our grief. I have managed to get through our day of separation and I'm hoping yours will be bearable. After returning from taking Rainie and her little ones I have been resting. Now have a sore throat and have to continue taking it easy. It's a beautiful morning here. A morning in May - Pete's favourite time of the year. I have to tell myself how many May mornings he enjoyed. Peace to you my dear Anne.

Anne, I read somewhere else that you might go sit in a cold building for 4 hours helping with a tour...I hope you do not go. I do not know if it is an old tale but sitting in a chilly building when you have a sore throat already, your immune system is compromised and you are exhausted....does not sound like a good mix to me. End of sermon for the day :) I do know about May. May and October were our favorite months....not too hot, beautiful as nature comes on in May and becomes so beautiful here in October. It is not the same hiking with friends or doing plein air (as we will next week) with my paint group. Just not the same. Yes, they both had many May mornings....but now I believe they are experiencing something even more breath taking....something I can't wait to experience.

Peace, Mary

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In Darkness Comes the Light

The last several days have been ones that caused me to question “Why?” I know there is no answer to this question but it still doesn’t stop me from asking it. Why is there so much pain when you lose someone so precious to you? Why do we have to go through so many hardships? Why do people we love have to endure hardship after hardship? Why go on in this earthly life when we have been ripped away from our soulmates – the one who has completed us when we were together?

Today when I took Benji for our walk I thought about these questions. I battled in my mind that there is no reason for me to only look at the darkness. Here I am in sunny Arizona basking in the sun with temperatures in the 80s. I should be grateful. After our time in the park, I went over to Memorial Park where I have a remembrance paver identifying Jim as a pilot serving in WW11. He was so much more than a pilot. He was a son, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a Christian…

Today I did more crying than thinking. My heart ached but I sat there for a while.

I really have no reason to see only darkness so upon a friend’s suggestion I’m going to try to turn my attention to those things that bring joy and happiness to me. Benji, grandbabies, a rather healthy mind if not body, playing the piano (I’m getting better), pinning (I’m addicted), reading, listening to music, gardening, being outdoors, sitting by water, watching sunsets, baking, eating (well, what I’m allowed), meeting friends or talking to friends, and being a member of this ‘tribe’ of very special people. I don’t know if it will pull me out of this curtain of darkness but it will be a reason to focus on what I do have here as I wait for my time with Jim again. One thing I decided to do was open The Box that has been sitting on top of the fireplace since Christmas and read some of the messages my family and friends wrote on index cards about their memory of Jim. I was waiting for the first year of death to read the notes. To my surprise many of the messages were addressed to me telling me how lucky Jim was to have me. How he loved my cooking no matter what I cooked. The kids thanked me for taking care of their dad, friends were kind in their notes remembering how Jim loved to be at the ballpark keeping score for the Senior Softball Association. His golfing buddies remembered his good swing and the conversations over beer. His disposition never changed. People liked being around him. I love him. He kept me grounded.

I am trying to figure out who I am now. I knew who I was almost eleven months ago. Today I am not sure. Anne

….the photo is a picture off The Box

Enna,

My husband of 46 years was a collector. He loved to collect and preserve things for "posterity" or his grandkids or history. I had to sort through many, many VCR tapes he recorded. The ones of movies were easy to donate but he recorded many family occasions throughout the years. First he recorded them on cassette and later on VCR. I found a box that he taped and labeled "do no destroy". They list his name and mine, our kids, his mother's name and others. I just haven't had to courage to open the box or play any of these tapes. He was smart enough to have several cassette players and VCR players (even though you can't get them now so easily) but I know I will be in so much pain when I listen. I hope things will get better and down the road I will want to listen and watch these memories. Right now, I just can't.

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Conbon20, it took me a year or more before I looked at videos. I looked at pictures because i put a slide show together for Bill's funeral. But the videos were different. There are companies that will transfer all those to DVDs down the road someday. Then you could get rid of the VCRs and the tapes....waaaaay down the road.

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Have a beautiful day today. May all of us rest and be filled with peace. We are all as unique as the flowers in the fields and the stars in the sky.

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TConbon20 my husband of 50 years, Pete, and I made a lot of tapes (since 1991) and I have transferred them to DVD. I had thought they would be too painfully to watch but I found they gave me comfort. I have mused upon the nature of time often and it seems to me that those moments are as real as the present (grief-stricken) moments and to be able to revisit them is a great blessing. Not everyone has such wonderful things and I think you will, like me, find them a comfort. Jane

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Dear Anne,

Thank you for tossing all the beautiful sunshine and flowers, not to mention clouds and sky, into this early day when we are all a bit worried.

fae

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Anne, thank you for those two videos. I love that version of Ave Maria and it always brings tears to my eyes as we played that at my mom's funeral. You are good at choosing music that means something to me...and brings back memories that are comforting and yes sad in ways. I love the flowers in both videos...how lovely they are.

My clematis was 6 inches high two weeks ago. It is now about 4.5 feet high and finding its ways through my new trellis. No blossoms yet. My lilies (moved here from my brother's monastery-the old one that is for sale) are coming along well as are my hydrangea which are now about 2-3 feet high. Spring is springing forth here. It is HOT today....it was 87 on my way home from the vet and two nights ago we had frost. Go figure.

Thank you for your concern about Bentley. Mary with love

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"There is a saying: No storm lasts forever. While grief over the death of our loved one does indeed, endure forever- or at least as long as we love and miss them, the raw, searing pain of grief- that which takes your breath and brings you to your knees- ebbs and flows over time. Eventually, moments of peace do come. Eventually, we do find joy again. Our priorities are clearer. We know, more deeply, who we wish to be and who we wish not to be. We appreciate and cherish the lives of our loved ones more, and because we've tasted the most bitter, the sweet- when it comes- is ever sweeter. Still, the grief remains in the stillness between words, between peace, between moments of connection with others, between the sunrise and the sunset. This is the way of eternal love." Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
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I think my mind and Mary's are sometimes running in the same direction. I think I just saw this on 'Significant Quotes.' Anne

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GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike. :)

I cannot type tonight: I sliced my poor little left pinkie with a carton knife this afternoon, cutting carton tape.

I had to put a pressure dressing on it.

It is throbbing a little, and awkward with pressure dressing.

e.g.,

Disincentive to communicate via keypad! I must get VR software. I am way tech illiterate.

Also message not to work when tired.

Off to sleep.

*<twinkles>*

fae

ps ...Mary, I am hear you and am with you. I am trying too hard.

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I am sorry about your finger....those carton knives are really sharp. Do not try too hard....defeats the purpose. niki says...just do it. :) Dragon Dictate, latest version, is outstanding for VR. I used it in the 90s and now it is close to perfect once you train it.

Sleep tight.

Bentley still stable. He had two very small meals as per vet...outside once to pee...no diarrhea. I am pretty clear this is pumpkin related and maybe stress..the combo---lethal for him. he is looking more like himself. I realized a while ago that i slept through dinner time tonight...so made some tea and toast and guess who was begging....I love it.

Mary

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