Grieving Boyfriend, Not Sure Whether To Stay Or Leave

[plum]

Hi everyone,

I would appreciated some advice. I'm aware there are several people that have gone through similar things so would like to know what I should do.

Long story cut short,

Dated for 3.5yrs mostly long distance, got engaged, short while after his mum got dx with cancer and he had to move to another country to be close to her (indefinitely) and I couldn't move, I couldn't see doing more long dist for indefinite amount of time, I initiated break up. We were still on good terms. in touch everyday, was still like best friends. . I really wanted to move on as I felt like too many things were against us being together. Dated few other ppl, but realised that he was the one that I really wanted still. Got back together 2 yrs later, (only few months ago) During time we were apart his dad got dx with cancer few months after his mum died. We're both 29 btw.

His dad passed few weeks ago, I flew over for funeral etc and he has been doing ok, we're still in touch daily, he still tells me he loves me but he just isn't sure about anything anymore. He is not sure if he wants to be with me long term or even now. He just doesn't know he says. Also being with me long term means he has to move away from his siblings who he is close to.

It's his 30th b'day and he isnt sure if he wants me to go visit him although he is having a party for it. I'm trying to not take this personally but feel so hurt. he even has other friends flying in for it. It's like he wants everyone there but me.

I've asked him if I should just give him space and not contact him but he says that he wouldn't contact me if he didn't want to. We talk about light hearted things most times, similar to what we were doing before. Sometimes he will say things like he is trying to hold everything together and just little comments that does suggest he is trying to be strong. He hasn't suggested we break up however says that he knows he is being unfair to me and that he will understand if i chose to leave.

He has been thru the most traumatic time in the last 2 yrs, and now with both of his parents gone in such short amount of time I know he is goin thru so much. Yet I don't know if we will survive this, and it is already coming up to collective 6 years that i've kind of 'waited' for him. I know I may sound little selfish, but it's hard trying to be with someone that isn't sure about wanting to be with you. He says that he loves me and that he always will and that he feels i'm his soulmate. and I feel the same about him too. Our relationship was good, he wasn't as emotionally available obviously during this time around.

I've told him that I will wait for him as long as I can but that I don't know how long I can wait. and obviously i don't know how long he will need. Some days I feel like I should cut my losses and leave especially reading about how other ppl's r/s turned out. Other times I feel like I can't give up on him now after everything we've been together.

I'm not expecting him to get over his grieving anytime soon if ever, but I just don't what I should be doing. If I was to leave, I would have to cut off all contact as I know that I won't be able to move on if we're still in touch.

Thanks for your thoughts

[kayc]

Wow, a lot of things come to my mind. Where you are and want to be at this stage in life will undoubtedly have bearing with what you decide. You don't mention if you want to have kids or not, but this is the age one tends to think about that. And if you wait for him another five years and he's no further, then what. You must feel you are at an indefinite stalemate. You can't decide for him, nor change him or his mind, you can only decide what YOU can and cannot live with. Perhaps it'd help you to set a time...if by this time nothing has changed, then I will_______. The more time that goes by and the more you have invested in the relationship, the harder it may be to let it go. He is grieving. But that grieving can continue and grief leaves one changed, so they are not the same. You do understand, do you not, that it may never be the way it was "before"? You love him, and that won't likely change. You possibly don't understand why he is proceeding as he is, and that's pretty hard to explain or understand...he may not understand it himself. My (now ex) fiance never did explain it to me, and I'm not sure if he ever did understand it fully himself. We parted and eventually regained contact as friends, but that is hard for most people to do. But we are at a different stage of life than you are too...I have no expectations, no hopes and dreams so am content just talking on the phone with him now and then...that is all he has to offer anyone.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, that needs to be something you figure out for yourself. I think you've already analyzed this and thought about different scenarios and understand it as well as one can. Perhaps a counselor could help you with coming to the right decision for you. In the end, that is all you can do, make the right decision for you, just as he is making the right decision for him.

I know how it feels. My XF (ex-fiancee) had contact with his friends, neighbors, family when his mom was dying and after...even with his XW...but not me. It's hard to understand. It's not how I would have handled it, but it is what it is. I didn't think it was right and still don't, but I respect that it was his decision and his alone to make. In the end, I want someone who won't shut me out of his life when the going is tough...or no one at all. That's just me. What if you'd been married to him already when this happened? Would he have responded different? How would you have handled it? These are things I asked myself.

It does seem you are in an unfair position. I worry that he'll take you for granted and nothing will change and he'll be content with things going on as they are, while you feel increasingly more discontented.

I'm just so sorry yet another couple finds themselves in this situation due to no fault of their own. I do pray you'll do what is ultimately best for YOU.

[plum]

Thanks kayc for ur kind words. Yes I talked to him

about it today and he tells me all the things I've been expecting to hear from reading this forum. That he feel lost and that he can't connect with anyone at the moment. That he does still want me in his life yet part of him doesn't want me to be there for him and he can't explain why.

He also did mention maybe it is the old him that I love and that maybe he won't come back. He mentioned that he feels emotionally shut down at the moment. I do want to give him space at some part of me knows that if he chooses celebrates his 30th bday with everyone else but me that I will somehow always resent him. And that it could end up being a deal breaker.

He says that he feels like there is too much pressure for him to deal with if I was there. I suggested that maybe he just views me as a friend for now which we're also but he says he will find it difficult to separate the two.

Part of me also feels like he is trying to prevent himself from getting even more hurt cuz he doesn't totally trust me in some way as I broke up with him last time when things got tough I guess.

Im constantly in two minds about what I should do currently. I feel like it would be so much easier to give up on things now. But part of me also feels guilty that I'm bailing on him again when things get tough. it's really hard not to feel selfish but I guess u can be in a relationship if it's making u miserable at the end.

it's hard to let go when u know that both of I love each other and only want what's best for the other person. He says all he wants is for me to be happy and live wonderful life. Something he feels like he can't offer... cuz he is a mess currently.

Sometimes life can be so cruel can't it? U have two people who love each other yet can't be together...

[plum]

I'm currently wondering if it'll be cruel and inconsiderate to cut off all contact with him if I do decide to leave. Unlike other ppl's situation he hasn't asked for me a break or to break up. He keeps saying he does still want me in his life... But it seems so contradictory that he wants me to be in his life yet doesnt want to see me or share things with me?

Yet I feel like if I don't cut off all contact I'll be stuck in this limbo and not be able to move on with my life..

[kayc]

There were some key things said there that help me understand better. I think he's so busy grieving that he doesn't have anything left over to deal with "relationship". it's different with his friends. After there's a breakup, it seldom comes back together, but it's possible. Maybe the two of you should take a break from each other for a year and see what happens. By that time you may not want him back, you may have already found someone else. Or he may have, although less likely, since he's the one that doesn't have it in him to deal with that right now. But if neither of you do and it's still there, it wouldn't be too late to reconnect. I won't tell you you "shouldn't" resent him for what he can't help, but you might want to reconsider it...from reading on here you can see it's a common grief response, and like I said, he probably doesn't even KNOW consciously "why", just how he feels. It's not uncommon to feel a mixture of feelings that seem in direct conflict with each other. Such as loves you but also can't deal with being with you right now. I know it may not make sense to you, but obviously it's what happens alot.

Like I said before, you need to consider what is right for you. You can only "wait and see" for so long. Good luck, I know this is hard. Try to understand and forgive when you are ready.

[plum]

Thanks kayc. I guess we are now on break or broken up.... although we did not say such things out loud, despite knowing that I've booked my flight for his bday he doesn't want me to come. I guess we both can draw our conclusions from that

I feel like I have a knot in my chest since it happened. I have held back on urge to MSG him. We ended conversation mid way the other nite . He hasn't msged me. And I haven't attempted to. I don't know if he thinks I'm still angry at him or not. Cuz in my moment of feelin hurt I did say that he was cruel. he just kept saying that he was sorry.

He normally messages another friend daily yet I can see that he hasn't been on the application for messaging since we ended conversation half way. (not on bad terms or anything, I was out and i kept in suggesting alternative ways for me to help with his party)

I did send some inspiration pictures via email and that I'm giving him space and for him to get in touch.

My question is, he always replies when I do MSG. And we do have conversations and he will tell me how he is feeling etc. this is getting to 2nd day of no messaging. Im starting to get concerned. If he had been online to MSG the other friend I wouldn't be so worried. Cuz at least I'll know that he is intentionally ignoring me.

Last time we were messaging he did open up and mention that he didn't think it would hit him so hard and how he feels like he's still a kid. And how unstable and lost he feels. And he was also talking himself down which he never does cuz he is very confident and I always tease him that he rates himself too much at times.

I feel like if I was to message and ask if he is ok he will at least reply.

I'm not sure what to do... I'm worried...

[kayc]

I think he just doesn't have it in him to deal with your feelings when his feelings are on overload and he's overwhelmed with grief right now. It seems unfair but it's also something he can't help or change right now. I think I've said, for myself I want someone who can be there with me through thick and thin...or not at all (and since I've given up it will be not at all)...that's just me, everyone has to decide for themselves what they will/won't accept. Just be true to yourself and don't go beyond what you deep inside feel is acceptable.

[plum]

Thanks kayc for ur advice again!

I got so worried that I messaged him to ask if he was ok. He replied and then told me about his day and we messaged back and forwards for about an hour.

I told him that I'm not leaving him and that I'm just putting us on a 'pause' for now so he will have one less thing to worry about. But that I'll still be his friend and be around.

We said goodnite and i said love u, to which he replied me too.

I haven't messaged him today at all. It's nearly his bedtime now.

I'm confused about whether I should wait for him to message or whether I should be messaging and asking how his day was etc. cuz when I do message he responds to it like he did before. Telling me about his day, his dream (he has been having lots of bad dreams lately) and he doesn't see annoyed or anything like that.

Do u think I should just wait for him to get in touch with me, just continue to keep in touch as he still seems very receptive to me messaging him.

I'm worried that if I just wait for him to MSG that he will just keep withdrawing further (he turned down my offer of organizing some counselling for him)

but I do wanna give him space... Althought he never specifically said he wants no contact or space and kept saying that he does want me in his life.

Do u think this is time when I should jus put on my 'friends' cap and keep in touch with him still? (we were friends for 2 yrs before we started dating and also were friends when we were broken up)

Your thoughts will be much appreciated. Thanks again!

[kayc]

I think your being "friends" for now would be good for both of you...it takes pressure off him, and it releases you, so to speak, from a relationship that would be one sided. I would wait a couple of days before messaging him back, again, it's about not making him feel pressure. He knows how to get in touch with you but he hasn't been initiating it, you don't want to come across as needy.

[Pollara]

Hi Plum!

I am so sorry about what you ve been going through and in fact this is the reason that I joined this website because I am in the same situation. But I will make one post while I will be waiting for your advice. I think that you did the right thing but saying him that you put things on pause, actually this is what I am also thinking of doing. I hope things will turn out right. I cannot stand this whole pesimism. In fact I only read about only one successful case and no matter what my psychologists friends are saying to me, that if I am there in discreet and no pushing him that he will gradually return I have lost faith. I hope everything works for you.

[plum]

Hi Kayc and Pollara.

I think I'm in the process of grieving too actually. for the loss of my relationship...

I haven't heard from him for few days now. Although I would like to be there for him as a friend, if he can't even be bothered to ask 'how was ur day' or simple 'goodnite' then I figured well whats the point in caring.

I think I'm currently in the 'anger' phase. Maybe last week I was in the denial stage. Hence why I was putting us on a 'pause' cuz I didn't wanna believe it was over.

But now I'm starting to feel angry.. Everyday that I don't hear from him, I feel like is actually doing us more harm.. Cuz i'm starting to emotionally distance myself from him. and yes I do think after all the support that i've given him in last few months for him to react this way isn't how u treat a loved one.

I am starting to doubt his love for me and yes, I am now wondering if I even want to try and work it out with him if and when he is ready.

I've decided that I'm not even going to bother to message him on his b'day next week. Why bother to care about someone when they don't want u to care?

I'm aware that I may sound like a totally selfish person considering what he is going thru, but isn't there a saying that love is only a shade different from hate?

If he is willing to throw away all the years and memories we shared and block me out, then I do think I deserve someone better.

[plum]

Hi again Kayc

I'm finding it really hard to deal with this anger currently. It's like all of a sudden I've suddenly gone from loving him to hating him. I'm so so angry at him...

Thankfully I have enough sense than to write an angry email to him.. If we were still in touch think i would've said to him no more, we're over. but I guess because we're not in touch that will have to wait.

I know this is not healthy and I hope I will get over it soon cuz I know it's not healthy.

Actually I feel like I'm angry at the world in a way.. It doesn't seem fair that some people can just take things that seems so out of reach for me (like living in same city, being able to be with the one u love) for granted and have it so easy..

ok vent over.

I'm so glad I found this forum btw... Otherwise I've spent lot more sleepless nites and would've shed more tears.. Thanks again

[Pollara]

Yes I fully understand you. I mean why did it had to happen to us? Most people turn to their significant others in order to comfort them (and no I cannot get the distance as an excuse). Why did it had to happen to us, that our significant other became so distant. Oh I really feel you. It is like we were a burden to them and in fact what they really were trying to say us was: please leave me alone. I totally understand your anger, and to me, you did your best and you weren't selfish.

[kayc]

Plum,

Yes, we grieve too, the loss of our relationship. As I mentioned to Pollara in another thread, the "griever" also grieves the loss of relationship, even though they may not fully understand/grasp what is going on, and they can have conflicted emotions, but all they can handle at the time is the initial grief, and that quite overwhelms them. It's not as simple as other breakups.

You are feeling angry because when you're in a relationship you feel a certain amount of expectation...that love will be reciprocated and expressed, no matter how minute the form...but right now he doesn't have it in him to express anything. He's a mess. And even once he has gotten through the bulk of the grieving and believe me, that could take time, perhaps years, he may not be the same. We grievers (I've lost my dear sweet husband) call it a "new normal" because the old normal is not there again, we are changed and cannot expect to be the same ever again. I survived the loss of my dad intact, and my mom has Dementia so am not sure how I'll be when her time comes, but not everyone goes through grief the same. We cope different, our relationships are different. Some turn to their SO for support...some push them aside. We just don't all cope the same. And that doesn't mean our relationship (as BF/GF) wasn't any good, usually you can't predict how grief will play out until it happens. It appears there must be a difference once married, because honestly, I haven't seen any married people come on here saying their spouse wanted out because they lost their parent. If I could figure this one out, I'd be a genius, believe me, I've given great thought to this and still don't have answers, only observations and conclusions.

I will agree that we all deserve someone who will work through thick and thin with us, and it's our prerogative to decide for ourselves what we can/should take or not. No one can "take a breather and wait" indefinitely, it's just not healthy for us...after a time we start to resent being the only giver. And quite frankly, they deserve better too. They don't need our hostility or resentment or demands at a time when they're fragile, conflicted, confused, hurting and paralyzed emotionally. Maybe that's why they need the space. There is no predicting how things will go "afterwards"...if you truly have the patience of Job and can give them a breather for a couple of years, maybe there's a slim chance you can resume things and make it...can you really do that without resentment? I couldn't. However, I do know that if (almost three years out now) Jim were willing to put forth the effort into the relationship and answering all of the questions and I felt that effort was enough to build trust, I would most likely give him that chance, because he's someone I care about and enjoy being around so much and I think we go well together...but that is not what I am seeing so my decision to guard my heart still stands. I have to think with my head because my heart can't take another heartbreak.

Yep, you are in the anger stage...been there, done that. It almost felt like a relief to me to go from the crying myself to sleep every night to the anger stage...it was easier to do. Once it's spent, it'll be easier to move to the acceptance stage, to forgive, to move on from the heartbreak. In the anger stage, it helps to vent...no not to them, but maybe here, or write it down then tear it up. Focus on spending time with friends/family. Take a class you haven't had time for. Join the gym. Clean your house. Paint your house. If you have any energy left, after all of that, you'll think of another way to expend it. It really helped me to keep busy so I could drop off to sleep at night. And if you're unable to sleep, talk to your doctor, they might be willing to give you something to help you sleep for a while...I say that only because it's not good to go without sleep for months...and sometimes heartbreak is such that it affects us like that. You WILL be okay, I promise you. Anger can fuel positive change so in that sense it can be good. So long as you don't let your anger be destructive, and any feelings of hate are short lived. There's a time to let it go, you'll know when.

Right now, as is, they aren't relationship material.

[Pollara]

It appears there must be a difference once married, because honestly, I haven't seen any married people come on here saying their spouse wanted out because they lost their parent. If I could figure this one out, I'd be a genius, believe me, I've given great thought to this and still don't have answers, only observations and conclusions.

Actually, when I told my friends that this might happen (immediately after his mother's death) everyone was like: "come on. this doesn't happening. So if you were married would he break up with you? What happen to people that are married? Get a hold of yourself". But I actually think that they don't break up because it is difficult to cancel a marriage. A divorse would be more stressful to the griever than just staying in the marriage I believe. If children are also included it would be twice as an emotional stress. So they just prefer to let things the way they are, than dealing with a divorse. When my bf came to visit me, he was ok with me but he was distant. But we went out, did things and even had sex. But on the other hand he was distant and prefer to stay alone or not talking at all. So what crossed my mind for a split second would be the fact, that if we were married it would be something like that.

[kayc]

Yeah but in a marriage at least people have a chance to grow close again later on down the road. If you're broke up, it's just harder to make the effort to get back together...he might be thinking you'd hold it against him or things wouldn't ever be the same (he'd probably be right).

[plum]

Thanks guys for your kind words.

It's now day 4 of no contact. Which feels like it's been a week nearly! I was so close to texting today to say 'Do u sometimes feel like ur life is so broken that u can't ever see it being perfect again?' cuz that's exactly how I've been feeling. When we were together first time around, everything was so perfect. sad thing is I don't think I realized it at the time and I took it for granted. Both of his parents were still alive, he was a wonderful bf and we were planning a future together. until I screwed up. But I now realized the illness of his mum and his dad might have still taken a toll on our relationship (we would've been married however) so maybe things would've turned out different I don't know.

I suspect this is how he is feeling too. That his world is just so shattered that he can't ever imagine being able to pick up the pieces and it's probably too much to even think about trying to put it together.

He worries about me normally and for him to not be in touch for so long (in our terms) really shows that he's not himself... as in he really has stopped caring? I dunno. I will try and hold off on contacting him until his bday I think. and then will just send happy b'day msg and check if he is doing ok. by then it would've been over a week and half without any contact.

I know it'll get better but I don't know if I believe it... I can't imagine my life ever being as good as it once was... I wish I could turn the clock back and freeze it and at least have had the sense to appreciate how perfect it was then..

[Helena_d9]

Hello, I don't know if this is going to help Plum but i'm slowly realising you can have hope whilst facing the facts. I know with common sense that whatever happens i will be happy again and i will find my way back to being normal and i think you need to remind yourself of that Plum. I know you are so much more invested in your relationship but you will be ok one day whatever happens.

I'm finding it amazing how now people know about my situation, people have lots of stories to tell about others going through the same. I understand what you mean Kayc about if you're married there is less temptation to just call it quits because you are tied together so to speak but i know someone who has been married for 30 years now has their husband telling them they don't know if they want to be married anymore because of losing a parent...can you imagine after 30 years that happening to you? It may sound mean but it makes me grateful for the horrible position i am in because usually there is someone worse off.

I'm not sure what to say to help because of the situations being different but staying strong and not contacting him is helping me. Whether something has clicked mentally i don't know but the people and the reasons we are on here know how much we care, how much we are there for them so we don't have to remind them by getting in touch. They have to come to a decision about themselves and about us on their own. A text or email here and there is not going to be the only reason things do or don't work out so take some time for yourself, use this to work out what you want and become happy in your own life.

We can't predict what will happen but we can help ourselves. I don't think a quick text on a birthday or special occasion is bad but i do think turning it into a conversation is unless they initiate it. Maybe i'm really wrong but i think space is the key to let them sort out their thoughts and feelings and gives them room to come back and fix things if they have the common sense to not ruin the best thing that probably will and has ever happened to them...stupid men folk

x

[Pollara]

Yes but just don't text him anything. He knows that you are in pain Plum, and he doesn't like that, but he can do nothing about it. I think that if you send him happy birthday he will probably answer but not something that it will turn into a dialog. I wonder why is it so difficult to maintain even a simple lighthearted dialog with us. I fully understand that they cannot put their effort into maintaining a relationship but it is so difficult to understand how they cannot speak in normal terms for irrelevant things, ie a movie, with us. At the end of the day, just say to yourself, that if it was meant to be together you will be. It is so strange for an atheist like me to say things like that, but I actually believe it, in a way that if he comes out of this phace and gather his pieces and still remembers you, then it was meant to be together. Otherwise no, and it it better that you understood it now. Imagine to be with him for 30 years (like the case Helena mentioned) and to had to overcome this!

[kayc]

I agree with what you say, Helena. You can't always control the outcome that involves another person, but you can focus on yourself, being the best person you can be, keeping your life full and eventually your feelings will follow suit. I think it's horrific someone could throw in a 30 year marriage because they lost their parent. What?! We expect parents to die some time for crying out loud! I mean the person has to be in their 50s and their parents in their 70s (or older), what in the world!

[plum]

Hi guys thanks for ur kind words

I'm doing lot better now. I've accepted things for what it is now. I no longer hold out hope of us gettin back.

if it happens great, if it doesn't then hopefully it is because there is someone out there who is more well suited for me.

He got in touch after few days. We messaged for a while. He told me about what he had been upto. I asked about his bday party plans.

I told him I'm moving to a new place. General chit chat.

He sounded like he's keeping himself busy to keep his mind off things. kind of like what I've been doing.

I've pretty much scratched all my future plans that I had before. Which involved him obviously. And started making new ones.

I'm definitely moving forwards with my life now and i know that there will come a time when I feel ready to date again. I guess then I will have to reassess the situation and really close the chapter.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. Although I regret my break up the first time around it allowed me the opportunity to appreciate him more and love him unconditionally. If we make it thru this it will make our r/s more stronger than ever. But if we don't then I guess maybe its because he is not the same person I fell in love with. Although he was never overly ambitious he wasn't a drifter. But maybe after everything that has happened he will just give up and drift along life instead of taking a chance and working towards what u want.

[Helena_d9]

Hello Plum,

Are you super-human or just incredible strong?!

I'm so glad you are doing well and that this is your thought process now. I hope you can continue to feel like that and get stronger every day...you are an inspiration

I'm still in limbo and made worse by the fact me and my ex are now in touch but i hope that if it comes to an end i can feel just a little bit like you seem to.

One day you'll look back and realise that this was all worth it because whatever happens and whoever you end up with, you'll be happier than you ever thought you could be.

I hope you'll keep posting and keep us updated on how you are and how things are?

x

[kayc]

Plum,

You're doing great and your attitude is terrific! It will all be good someday.

[plum]

Thanks guys! Think without all ur help so far that I definitely wouldn't be in my current frame of mind.

Lol no I'm just an average person like u Helena! I'm sure u will be just as strong as me and more!

I figured although the circumstances that we currently find ourselves in is totally unexpected and out of our hands, I am in control of my life and how I choose to think about it.

Although the thought of being single and 30 terrified me (lol!) I figured that instead of being scared and moping around for the future that I may not have anymore with him, I should just embrace the unknown. And it's also kind of exciting as now I'm thinking gee I really don't know what my life would be like in 12 months time... like who will I be with and what kind of future will I be planning then?!

I think being in a new environment definitely helps too. (change of scenery?)

Thanks again for all ur support. Much appreciated. and yes I'll definitely keep u guys posted!! Hopefully I continue to do well and not spiral into depression or something!

[kayc]

Plum, you're doing so well, you're inspiring, keep it up!