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Grieving Boyfriend, Not Sure Whether To Stay Or Leave


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Hello everyone,

No updates from Helena or pollara for few days hope ur both doing ok

I'm doing well, have busy weekend, and I talked to my guy via Skype for first time in a month actually. Was hard because he sounded sad and depressed and I shed few tears as I has been missing him a lot lately.

Have been in touch little more since, mainly initiated by me as I had few good news about my career I wanted to tell him about.

Still don't know how it's all gona turn out but we're having conversations like we used to before. About how the day was and other random things

It's comforting to know that he will still respond to my contact and not ignore me.

Well that's about all actually, hope everyone is doing ok!

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Hello All....how much have i missed?! KayC your dog is adorable and sorry to hear about your accident! and i agree with Pollara..go younger, and if you've gone younger before, go even more younger :P

Pollara i found the post so sad from the other side and it fuels the feelings of wanting hang around but he really was selfish to think she'd still be waiting for him after 7 months or so! How can he have done up the house for her without a mention to her? Is she a mind reader? It's things like that which makes me wonder what the hell we are supposed to do. I'm very much a 'what if' person and that's part of the reason i'm still in limbo, because i'm thinking 'what if' he does come back. I think though if he does it won't be for a very long time and if he keeps up the same behaviour he'll have hurt me too much and it'll be too late.

How's the holiday planning going Plum? I'm so glad you two are still on good terms to skype and talk, the more my x behaves like this, the more i don't want or open up to him or try contacting him. His mum died in December so it's been nearly 5 months before it all started going pear shaped with us.

Hope everyone is well!

x

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yes it was kind of sad, but on the other hand he was the one who broke up with her and remembered her after 7 months of no contact??

And it was funny that he contacted her and pissed off because she couldn't find her. and in the end didn't even feel sorry that he caused problems. Just sent another message like: I am sorry that I didn't do it earlier. You shouldn't make what ifs, because things are the way they are. OK I also have thought: what If I hadn't left my country at the first place. What if I was there for the funeral? But I couldn't. So things came to this (but it might have come otherwise). In any case I think that if someone returns to his girlfriend after this testing it should be difficult to break up, because he will know that this girl was waiting for him

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On the other hand, had the girl been waiting for him would he have taken her for granted and what would be in store for them in the future if he can treat her like that and assume she'll always just be there!

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Well I doubt that they will think like that if they are no @ssholes. I believe that someone will appreciate it. men usually take for granted girls that insult and disrespected and still be there. Here it is a difficult situation. Well at least this is what I think. But of course you never know

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Hello everyone!

Oh yes Helena my holiday planning is going really well actually! I asked him once and for all if he still wanted me to take him on hols, to which I already knew the answer to but thought I would just check before I went ahead and booked things. Obviously he said he didnt feel like going so now I have a pretty exciting hols planned just for me! Which meant that I get to choose wherever I wanted to go!

I've always wanted to go see oranguatans so off to the Bourneo jungle I go!

:)

in regards to the view from the other side, I really don't think the guy was thinking about anything too much but to just get over the grief. He probably neither expected her to hang around or to move on. He did what he needed to do in order to get thru his grief and prob thougt he would deal with the other stuff later.

I lean more towards with what pollara is saying thou, I don't think he would've taken the girl for granted if she had stuck around. I would think maybe it would make him appreciate her more for sticking it out with him. But then again guess he didn't contact her for ages. I wonder if she had tried to contact him in that time?

Hard to know really.

Oh wow Helena I didn't realize that ur guy's mum passed away in December. I assumed it was more recent. 5 months huh, that's rather discouraging for me. I was thinking maybe this is the worst of it but maybe it will just get worse.

I understand how ur feeling about the whole thing as that's how I feel sometimes too. that maybe sticking around for a while isn't such a big deal if I'm gona have a lifetime of happiness with him after. But I guess for now I'm just having to go with the flow. I'm letting him be and hope that he realizes that he does wanna be with be and appreciates all the things I've done for him.

And funny enough just like u, guys r coming out of nowhere! getting contacted by single 'acquaintances' who have no way of knowing about my personal life! As no mutual friends and I don't have r/s status on FB

Im actually finding it pretty funny cuz it's so random yet I'm like geez how did they time it so well?!! Lol

But for now I'm happy to just let things play out on its own. Life works in funny ways so maybe there is some logic behind it all.

I guess I'm in a slightly different situation thou as apart from him shutting me out for which he does feel bad about he hasn't really said or done anything to hurt me so to speak. And I know the he really does just want me to be happy whether it's with him or without him.

I really do hope that he will suddenly have an epiphany that I am the one for him once and for all but not holding my breath.

I don't think u should worry too much about 'what if' Helena. Even if u move on doesn't mean u can't have another chance with him. Maybe u will have moved on and then he has that epiphany. U can reassess the situation then and go from there. U might realize that ur happier in ur new rs with someone new or u might want to give things another go with him.

I've learnt that just when u think u finally got life all figured out it throws u a curve ball!

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So glad you have your holiday planned out and are looking forward to it!

I think you're spot on when you write:

"I really don't think the guy was thinking about anything too much but to just get over the grief. He probably neither expected her to hang around or to move on. He did what he needed to do in order to get thru his grief and prob thought he would deal with the other stuff later."

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Hello all-

I came across this forum just today and it is exactly what I need right now. Plum, I've read your entire story and am so sorry for what you are going through. My partner lost his mother two weeks ago after a year long battle with brain cancer. He moved back to California for 2 months (from New York) to care for her in her final days. This entire year--not even just the past few weeks--have been extremely difficult. I am still with my partner but it has not been easy. He exhibits many of the same signs others have talked about--withdrawing from you but totally fine with other people (friends, family co-workers, etc.). I spent the last week iN California with him and was there for the funeral, etc., and all I can say is that I have never felt as completely ALONE in my life as I did last week. Even though I was there for him in the saddest, darkest of moments--from holding him as he sobbed over his mother's dead body to wiping his tears as he viewed the video of his mother at the after-funeral reception--he shut me out emotionally and has been that way ever since. I am terrified of what is to come-will he break up with me as many of your boyfriends did? Will I feel forced to break up with him? A part of me feels so guilty that I am making this about myself at all (and letting him know this too), but another part of me feels that I have to maintain my dignity and expectations of how I should be treated. Today I thought about the need to let some things go, lower my expectations (temporarily), and realize that this is the hardest thing he has ever experienced in his life, so the side effects I feel from it are nothing in comparison.

Plum- I thought a lot about how you broke up with your boyfriend when he moved to be with his family--that, I think is at the root of your problem. Have you guys directly and comprehensively discussed that? If this is the person for you, have you thought about moving there? I feel like that would be the ultimate act of devotion. It shows that you are willing to take that risk because he is the one for you. I'm not sure how you are feeling now or if even thinking about something like that feels right to you.

Anyway, thanks ladies--this forum is amazing and I think I will be checking in often. Wishing all of us lots of strength today.

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I would want to know I was definitely wanted before making a move.

It's hard to predict what any of them will do but it sounds like your BF is reacting classically like the others here. I don't think they choose to pull back, just that they can't handle anything other than their grief right now. Their friends don't require anything emotionally so it's easier to do their friends than their "relationships".

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Agree. and I guess the time it takes people to move on and be able to handle a healthy life again varies. I also read somewhere in this forum that people can resent their partners because they feel guilty for spending time with them instead of their now-dead parent. I believe this is absolutely the case with my partner. It reminds me of Plum's situation--about a year ago, when his mother was first diagnosed, he talked about moving back there indefinitely. I tried to be supportive but I think I basically discouraged him. I was honest and said I wasn't sure if our relationship could survive that. I believe he resents me not only for saying that, but because he didn't leave and didn't spend that year with his mother. I don't regret saying it because I was honest and being realistic, and ultimately it was his decision anyway. But it's horrible to think that what if he blames me for that forever? When he gets back to New York I am going to strongly encourage counseling for him. I think that is an essential part of this process--for all of us.

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You're right. Mine wouldn't go for counseling. And I think he felt guilty for the last year (before she died) that he'd spent time with me instead of her. But he could have seen her any time he wanted, he lived close by her, whereas I was 1 1/2-2 hour drive so we only saw each other on weekends. None of this makes logistical sense because feelings usually don't have to make sense, they just are.

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Well candy I am sorry to hear that another person was added to "our list" but I disagree with your advice to Plum. If she goes and move there he might find that as extra pressure and maybe break up. Think that he didn't want her to be on his birthday. Same goes with my boyfriend when I asked him to return to our country for summer. Although he told me to do what is better for myself, I saw him that he felt better when I announced him that I won't go. Of course if Plum and I were there from the begining maybe things were different. But I have read cases in other forums that the boyfriends at some point end the relationship when the other moved there or after a while because they couldn't handle this extra pressure.

Mine doesn't go to a counselor either, but his sister is going so I hope she gives him some advice. But he is a very introvert person when it comes to his feelings about his mother. I don't know if he discuss them with her. But maybe she gives him advice herself even if he doesn't ask her to.

I agree KayC. Seeing you once a week is not much of his time but yes he might felt guilty over it. Same goes for my boyfriend. Although he didn't neglected her because I was going to his home when I was there, he might have regrets that she was sleeping in the next room and we were together. But of course, he wouldn't be in the same room with her anyway. Well logic doesn't apply to grief anyway.

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Hello and welcome candy!

I'm sorry to hear about ur situation however. At least u guys r still together.

In regards to me moving, we did casually mention the dilemma of where to live before his dad died and it is close to impossible for me to move there as I will have to change my field of career. I did suggest that maybe I should change it in order to move however it would be something that I did not want to do and he also knows first hand how hard I've worked for my career. And he also said that he does not want me to have to do that .

I think moving there now is not an option as we're in a limbo. And I would've been sacrificing a lot by moving for him in first place, downgrade my career, take pay cut leave family and friends. Whereas if he was to move he would be having better job opportunities etc. Also by me moving I would've been losing my future support network later for my kids such as grandparents etc, and Im pretty sure that I don't want to bring up my kids like that. ESP as his parents aren't around anymore.

It may sound selfish but I just know deep down that I won't be happy. I don't believe love conquers all if uve had to sacrifice everything to get it.

Which is why I also understand that I may still learn to be content and happy but maybe not 'happier' if I was to be with someone that I didn't have to sacrifice everything to be with.

Sure my guy may feel exactly the same but I did offer to move to a place that is in between. Where he has lived for a decade and has friends and it will still be in same country as my family.

If he isn't even willing to compromise to that extent then I've decided that it's not gona work.

I hope that answers ur question? I know that maybe some others could choose to sacrifice everything for love but I think I'm too much of a realist for that.

I also agree with pollara that moving there for him would be that last thing he wants especially as he needs space from me. He needs to sort his own life out without me breathing down his neck I figured.

I guess my thought process has also changed from few wks ago too.. I guess I was sure that he was the one I wanted to be with but being in this limbo has made me unsure now also. U can't keep being sure about someone if that other person is unsure about u..

My guy declined offer of counselling too. For now I'm in a defeated mood I guess. it's something totally out of my hands and he knows what he needs to do to make it work so I guess we wait and see..

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Well logic doesn't apply to grief anyway.

So true!

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Well Plum, what I meant was that even if you were willing to sacrifice everything (he knows that you will sacrifice things in order to be there) it will be a pressure to begin with. Because he knows that you will do that for him. And since he in this kind of situation I don't think he would have want this.
I mean, if I was in a very difficult situation, I wouldnt want someone else to sacrifice things just from me, because then I would have responsibility over him and it would be difficult to break up later (supposed I wanted something like that) because I would always think that: oh this guy sacrificed everything for me. These kinds of decisions are very difficult to take to begin with. Imagine in a grieving case

(Sorry for my english)

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Yeah I know what ur saying Pollara. That's what my friend said also. That he may just be obliged to stay with me even if he was unhappy. In a way I guess I don't have to worry about that scenario as it's pretty much impossible for me to move anyway even if I wanted to. So in a sense that's one thing less for me to worry about.

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I read a book over the weeknd called 'the rules' and it says that a girl should never move for a guy unless there has been some sort of commitment from the guy such as engagment or getting married. Otherwise the girl will eventually get resentful of the fact she sacrificed all these things to be with him and will put pressure on him to progress relationship further and how that will change the relationship dynamics. I never thought about it that way really. It was really enligtening in a way.

Anywhoo I thought it was all very relevant to all of us in long distance and unsure of the future and of who will move etc.

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Oh, I ordered a book for my guy called 'the orphaned adult' by alexander levy. I haven't told him and it will just get delivered to his place. I figured that he is not gona go to counselling or even look for a book to read on grief etc, so he can choose the throw the book away once it gets there or there is a chance that he might read few pages here and there which may help him in some way.

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Well what you read is kind of true, but if you know what you are doing and you have realistic expectations you won't end up like that. For instance, your boyfriend told you not to go there for his bday party. You didn't. If you had gone you probably end up in this way. I agree that the girls should not make themselves available and ready to sacrifice everything.

Was it a good idea that you send him the book? I think that if I do something like that he will get mad and he will think that I am making some kind of irony at him

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I agree with what your saying. I wouldn't have sent the book because I wouldn't want him to view me as pressuring him in any way. It doesn't matter that it's a good read for him, if he won't read it, or even if he does but resents me for it. I wouldn't move to be with someone unless it'd been discussed and agreed upon previously, and you're right, if there was that type of commitment beforehand.

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Oh ok interesting. I never thought bout how he might feel like its pressure. I just figured anything that may help him to get thru what he is going thru will be good. I hope he doesn't resent me for it and will understand that I did it cuz I care. But I guess we will wait and see.

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Hi all, sorry for my delayed response. Totally understand what you all are saying about not moving until there is a commitment/you know you are wanted. I see what the ladies are saying about Plum's decision to send the book, but I don't think it's that bad. I think it shows you care about him and are thinking about him. It sounds like he is pushing you away not because you are you, but because of what he is going through. I wouldn't be on standby waiting for him to call, but I don't think it's a bad idea to let him know you care too (in small, sporadic ways).

So I guess the reason why I brought up moving in the first place is because prior to my partner's mother's death, I had plans to move back to New York and live with him (I am currently in Washington, DC for work). I am now scared to do this--from what everyone on here is saying, I'm scared that he won't be able to handle yet another change and all the emotions involved with it. I am scared that he needs space and that me moving in is overwhelming. I have not asked him if he feels any differently about this--as far as I know, we are proceeding on me moving back once I get a new job. Anyone have advice for how to handle this?

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Honestly, I would ask him how he's currently feeling about all this. He may be afraid to bring it up to you but I'd want to make sure he still feels the same way before proceeding.

And about Plum's sending the book, I realize it shows she cares...but HIS perception isn't as usual right now, he is looking through grief-stricken lenses and as such, he may not view it the way we would or he once would have. Grievers can be ultra sensitive.

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Well I think you should just ask him. I did the same and in the end I got an I don't know which was closer to NO. But before I asked him straight he said yes of course you can come etc. Same goes with Plum when she asked him about going to his birthday. And to even think that his country is also my country so I wouldn't make a sacrifice. I just moved my summer vacation. So just ask him in a simple and not pushing way: do you want to move there or do you think we should postpone this for later?

We all understood that Plum did this out of interest but these guys on their grieve don't always get the right intent. Mine would probably get mad and told me something among these lines: and who do you think you are?you became a psychologist now? Do you know how I feel better than me? or something like that.

I.e my boyfriend always had a sense of humor but when I met him even my jokes who used to laugh on them, annoyed him.

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It is all so sensitive. I remember when Jim broke up with me (I was at work when Fed Ex came about 9:30 am), I went home that night and packed up everything he had at my house. The next morning I dropped it off on the front porch. Later I learned that his roommate told him about it and he jokingly asked if I'd just thrown it out on the lawn. I didn't find any humor in that, I can assure you. Perhaps I should have, but I'm a bigger person than that.

Gosh, it's just a hard time at best, I feel for all of you. Once you've been through something like this, you never forget what it's like, even though you do get over it and heal.

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