Grieving Boyfriend, Not Sure Whether To Stay Or Leave

[Pollara]

Well the problem with me is that I don't trust people easy. In fact I don't trust anyone 100%. Let's say the best I can trust somebody is at about 70%. Now my trust level will fell to 0

[plum]

Yeah I agree with kayc and pollara. Candy I think u should just ask him in a gentle manner what he would like u to do. And maybe let him know before that u would be ok and not feel hurt even if he said he doesnt want u there at the moment.

Personally I feel like u may be doing ur r/s more

harm than good if u were to move over now. ESP as u say he is exhibiting a lot of the signs like our guys r, withdrawing and shutting u out. I think that if I had been over there with him we would've definitely broken up as I would feel even more hurt and lonely. Being in a diff place from him and having our own lives makes it easier to handle the emotional shut down in a way.

I'm just wondering how long u guys have been together also? I guess the longer u have been with ur partner maybe the more solid ur foundations would be?

I think candy like we have all been saying to each other here give him some space, and if he feels like ur giving him any kind of pressure it's only going to make things worse.

I heard from my guy last nite, replying to a text MSG that didn't really require reply. I just said hope ur day was good

It was brief but he just mentioned that he went for dinner at a friends place. First time he actually volunteered info without me probing him! and wished me good nite. Maybe the fact

[plum]

He knows that I currently have no expectations makes him easier to open up? I dunno just a thought.

Have a good day everyone!

[Pollara]

Well Plum it is the same with me. When we talked I was always asking things and actually didn't got any reply. It was like he was starting a dialogue with the purpose of finishing it. Like

-Hi Polla how are you?

-Fine how are you?How do you spend your days?

-Nothing special, how is your work going?

-It is going good (details about my work) what about you

-nothing special. I am leaving now

I thought that he just didn't want to talk to me and I was wondering why he keeps talking to me and initiate a converstation since he doesn't wants to tell me anything -I mean about his days etc- and always says nothing special but I always learn from our common friends that he was out etc. And he usually mentioned me this things. Not like it is a big deal or that I am jealous over it, but why saying nothing special or no news when you actually got something to say? Before he would tell me almost everything about his day. I felt like I was an unknown person to him that he wanted to get rid of me by no talking. But since he was the one that he initiated the dialogue. Well so confusing.

I feel so lucky that I have you girls and at least make some decoding all together since we have similar situations. And it is true. if I had returned to my country I would have already broken up with him if it was like that in person. But maybe in person he was different

[plum]

Yup pollara I get what ur saying. Just my 2 cents worth on why he initiates conversation but doesn't really talk about what he has been upto, my guy said that he doesn't like talking to ppl about wots happening in his life (this was even before his dad passed) as he felt that he only had depressing things to talk about. And he said why would anyone want to hear about depressing and sad things?

And maybe ur guy does want to hear about ur day and what uve been upto as he is genuinely interested. however he doesn't want to talk too much about what he has been doing or how he is feeling as he thinks it's all just depressing things or lame things. Also maybe he thinks u will eventually get sick of hearing about just unpleasant and unhappy things so just keeps it to himself? I guess that's kinda like human psyche. When there's a good news u wanna share it with everyone and when something bad happens u kinda wanna keep it private

[Helena_d9]

I think if he's initiating conversation Pollara it's all quite positive. He obviously wants to talk and is keeping you in his life which is good and encouraging. As frustrating as it is if you still care and want to be with him at some point then you'll just have to keep responding to these weird messages when and if they come.

My lovely x is now on the 12th day of not getting in touch.....this really is so much fun

x

[Pollara]

Well but do you think I should ask him straight the next time we will speak. Something like I thought that your behavior is related to ur grief etc but lately I have started to wonder, did you make up your mind on breaking up with me and you don't have the courage to tell me and leave me got the hints? Or something like that? Will be this too pushy? Since I ve never mentioned anything on him taking any decisions or nothing

[Helena_d9]

I'm not sure....you know him better than anyone so do you think you will get a truthful answer given the situation. And will you be able to handle it if he gives you an answer that you may not like?

x

[kayc]

I asked Jim that and he denied it. And since he was declaring his love and plans for us clear up until he broke up...if he'd been contemplating breaking up beforehand, then that would mean he's a liar. I've never known him to lie, but he is a coward, obviously. To me, to think about breaking up is one thing, but if you're saying something else all the while or don't admit it when questioned, then you're not honest and forthright. I think rather, he couldn't handle his mom's dying AND our relationship both. And why he hasn't tried to get back together since? I have no idea. Maybe he doesn't think I'd want that or trust him? But he hasn't tried. Honestly, after everything, I'd need a little more effort than that. I've left it open enough to consider, but it'd require effort/work on his part to rebuild trust, and gosh, I just haven't seen it.

When they give us an answer we do not like, it releases us from hope and helps us define what it is we need to do for ourselves, and thus begin our healing and moving on.

[Pollara]

Helena fo me is exacty as Kayc says. Yes I prefer to listen an answer that I don't like (that he had already break up with me) rather than having the slightiest hopes that he is still thinking of it. I mean the best case scenario it is to tell me that he is still confused doesn't know etc. OK it is not the best but it is ok. But if he had already decided on breeaking up with me and just gives me hints then I won' wondering and I will keep on.

[plum]

I actually asked my guy outright the other day if he thought we should break up for good. As I was

Saying to him that although he says he loves me that I find it hard to believe sometimes and that everyone says actions speak louder than words.

His reply was

'I just feel so tired. And I can't be what u need'

So that was neither a yes or no I figured. I mean it could've been a no but maybe I chose to believe it wasn't? Anyway I said that I just feel so confused and lost and that I don't know what I should do. And he said that's how he feels..

[kayc]

He just doesn't have it in him to give/do a relationship right now. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he never will be able to do it. He just can't make promises because all he can do/feel right now is the grief. It's up to you if you want to stick around and see if it'll change. This is highly unfair to you, but it's what is.

[Helena_d9]

It sucks with how it is

If you do try and get answers at a time like this will you also be able to believe what he is saying or think it's down to grief?

The trouble at a time like this is what are their real thoughts and feelings and what is down to grief and if they don't even know, then how will we.

x

[kayc]

Good questions. I think they can only say what they feel in the moment, they don't know themselves, they're confused and don't know what's due to grief and what is due to how they'd be feeling overall.

[plum]

Yeah I know... But like I was saying to Pollara, I'm not very good at being patient. But I really don't wanna screw things up this time around by rushing things. That's always been my downfall.

patience is a virtue that i yet do not have but hope to have.

[Pollara]

Yeah I know... But like I was saying to Pollara, I'm not very good at being patient. But I really don't wanna screw things up this time around by rushing things. That's always been my downfall.

patience is a virtue that i yet do not have but hope to have.

But Plum, (don't misunderstood my tone bellow, I say this in a kind way, but sometimes written texts are easy to misunderstood since you cannot see me)

weren't you the one that told him to put a pause in order for him not to feel pressured? Did you expect him to change his attitude in one month? Of course this would be ideal, but in most of the cases it takes months not to say years. And it is the same for me, although it is one month that my bf is distant, seems like an eternity to me. But on your case, on the one hand you tell him not rush things and put a pause in order for him not to feel pressure and then after a week you ask him if he made any decisions or what does he think about your relationship. Isn't this a little contradictory? OK I know that since you are a lot of years together-unlike me- you have other kind of familiarity with him and he seems that he cares about you, but in my opinion since he doesn't know what he feels and he is confused, I guess that if you don't make patience in the end he will say something among those lines: "I understand that you cannot wait and I don't want you to wait. But I really don't know what I feel and I am really confused. But I want you to be happy. So let's break up because I feel that I cannot make you happy as I am and I cannot delay you on your life"

[plum]

Hi Pollara,

no it's ok, no offence taken. Yes I understand what ur saying. and yes it's very possible that he will say exactly what ur suggesting.

At the end of the day, we have had lot more time together and as much as I would like to just let him take his time and wait for him, part of me also feels although I understand that he is grieving, I would have liked to have thought that our bond and relationship would've been stronger... If you get what I mean..

It's not like we have only been dating few months.. we have known each other for 6 yrs now.. If grief is making him question wanting to be with me, I'm wondering maybe the relationship isn't any strong as I thought.. and some days I think what will extra few months change anything? I feel like even if I was to ask him in few months time what he wants, his answer will still be 'I dunno'... I have already invested a lot of time and emotion into the relationship.. I shouldn't have to convince him of wanting to be with me after all this time.. That's how I feel at times anyway..

[Pollara]

I totally understand you. If my guy returns I will be able to forgive him since we were together only for 2 months before the incident and even when his depression took him over he didn't break up with me instantly. Also, I sometimes consider myself as guilty because I was the one that left country and also I wasn't able to go to the funeral or earlier before his depression starts and when he told me that he misses me. Probably all these are excuses and even if we were a lot of time together and even if I were there things would have taken the same route. But yes, it is the fact that I don't want to make a family and the fact that we weren't time together. I mean, I believe that he was in love with me and stuff but how much can you in love with someone that you were together only for 2 months. And also, it takes much more emotional energy to keep on a relationship that has just started. I probably could not forgive him if he had done this to me to a relationship of 2 years (not to mention 6). So yes I totally understand you

[plum]

Thanks Pollara.

I think the outcome would have been same even if u had gone to the funeral or was there for him when he said he missed u. I have also gone thru possible scenarios and wondered if me doing something different would have changed what we're in now. and I really don't think it would have.

I wouldn't say that it's something that I couldn't forgive him for, but obivously it is hurtful. I would think I will get over the hurt eventually, and that he will realise how hurt I was and will try his best to make up to me. Also I guess maybe it will be my turn to 'forgive' as he kinda 'forgave' me by giving it a second go.

I think if u love someone enough u can always find it in ur heart to forgive. I know he still has trust issues with me, but I would still trust him at the end despite of what is happening/has happened. maybe because deep down I know that he would never intentionally do anything hurtful to me if he could help it. Also I think if u love someone, hurting them will also hurt u.

[plum]

PS, wow, just realized it's been over a month since I started my post. And I guess at the end of the day, I find myself in same place as I was back a month ago (Not that I really expected anything different)

But thanks everyone for all ur advice and kind words. I probably would've been lot more unhappy/sad/depressed if I didn't have u guys who understand exactly what I'm going thru.

[kayc]

But Plum, (don't misunderstood my tone bellow, I say this in a kind way, but sometimes written texts are easy to misunderstood since you cannot see me)

weren't you the one that told him to put a pause in order for him not to feel pressured? Did you expect him to change his attitude in one month? Of course this would be ideal, but in most of the cases it takes months not to say years. And it is the same for me, although it is one month that my bf is distant, seems like an eternity to me. But on your case, on the one hand you tell him not rush things and put a pause in order for him not to feel pressure and then after a week you ask him if he made any decisions or what does he think about your relationship. Isn't this a little contradictory? OK I know that since you are a lot of years together-unlike me- you have other kind of familiarity with him and he seems that he cares about you, but in my opinion since he doesn't know what he feels and he is confused, I guess that if you don't make patience in the end he will say something among those lines: "I understand that you cannot wait and I don't want you to wait. But I really don't know what I feel and I am really confused. But I want you to be happy. So let's break up because I feel that I cannot make you happy as I am and I cannot delay you on your life"

This is what I think may have contributed to me and Jim breaking up. When I found out I couldn't see him AT ALL EVER while he was taking care of his mom, yet his ex-wife could come over??? His friends, neighbors could come be by his side, but not me. I felt that was unfair, I was his fiance, we'd been engaged a year, I felt totally disregarded and cut off from him. I knew his kids wouldn't help relieve him of his caretaking duties, and I knew it could stretch on for years potentially...I had been a caretaker for my MIL, it was predicted three weeks and lasted nearly three years and Jim's mom didn't even have cancer or some such diagnosis, just failure to thrive. Now that she had her Jimmy back in her life taking care of her, she started eating again. Had I known it would only be three months until she died I could have waited. But what then? It wasn't just the caretaking that ruined us, it was followed by grief from losing her, his acting as executor of the estate, which took months, nearly a year to settle. During all of this time, he was beside himself with grief, details, duties, etc. He did not have time for a relationship, nor did he have a clear head for it. I honestly don't know what could have saved us, what could have made the outcome different. I just know it's unrealistic to expect someone to be thrown overboard for possibly years and then never come back to them and say, "oh gosh, I've neglected you, I'm sorry, where was my head, I love you!" Ha, that's not happened! That's not GOING to happen! Oh but his ex wife...he could do major repairs to her car, create a resume for her, help her file unemployment and get a job, yet he hadn't a minute to spare for me? He doesn't want her back, I'm not jealous of her, he's not in love with her, that's not what is happening, but he DOES regard her as family. He doesn't, apparently, regard me as anything. Fiance meant nothing in the end. Six months later I sold his wedding ring on eBay, and moved on with my empty life. What else IS there to do?

[plum]

Hey guys,

hope everyone has been well!!

just quick update, it's been a while since i've visited!

Me and the guy I posted about are long over. No contact or anything. it was good amicable ending. He wasn't same person i fell in love with and I think we just grew apart after everything.

It was almost a relief to finally have an ending.

I'm currently doing really well. I'm seeing someone and it's going really really well. I realise that I had been emotionally attached to my ex for a long time due to all the things we went thru together. but now I feel like we can finally both move on. I'm glad I was there for him when he was going thru such a terrible time,

but I think that's as far as we were meant to go.

For everyone that's going thru or gone thru similar things, as cliched as it sounds, and trust me it definitely does not feel like it at the time, but everything happens for a reason. and if it doesn't work out with ur current person, it really does mean that there is someone more suited for you out there.

I'm in such a better place now. : )

Be good to urselves!

Thanks kayc, pollara and everyone for having been so wonderful during those tough times.

[kayc]

So glad to hear from you and glad to hear that things are going well for you! I'm glad you have been able to accept that you were in each other's lives for a time and have moved on and found someone more suited to you.

[Pollara]

Plum I am so happy that you are doing fine and that you find a more suitable guy. But just from curiosity, don't you have any kind of contact with your ex?do you know if he is doing fine and things?

It is like that, not exactly that everything happens for a reason, but it it meant to be together you would have been. if it didn't then, at some point of time, even without this incident you wouldn't have been together. And I don' t say this with any fateful beliefs or something, but I was talking recently to my previous ex which we are at friendly terms as you might know and he told me that and then by this simple sentence I realized how true he is. He told me that he was dating a girl from whom he wasn't that excited but since she was a good girl he was keeping on dating her, when he decided to leave her because he wasn't in love with her and he admited that it would have been better to have done it months before.

Of course with this I don't mean that we didn't mean anything to our guys, but just if it is something to happen it will happen sooner or later, with the one or the other way. That is all.

[kayc]

Pollara,

Wow, he didn't do her any favors waiting!