Same Old Story Of Grief And Failed Relationship :-(

[Helena_d9]

Hello All,

For the last month or so this forum has been my saving grace. I cannot believe how grief can time and time again break a relationship up and after reading all the posts and seeking comfort i thought it was about time i asked for my own advice from you all.

So here it goes:

I'm 24, he's 33. My relationship was short but intense. I had never met anyone before that i was so certain was my future, and i for him. We had only been together a few months (long distance) when his mum's cancer returned and it was a battle she wasn't going to win. He moved back home and cared for her alone (as his dad had died when he was young also from cancer). For 3-4 months i dedicated my time and effort to him - supporting him, travelling to see him (vice-versa), being there for day she took a turn for the worse, leaving him and his family hours before she passed away because it wasn't my place to be there. I was his rock and in his own words got him through it all. I was there for the funeral, to pack her things up, to help.

In January he moved back to his home and we resumed long distance and that was the day he began to subtly back off or so i thought. He was still applying for jobs and talking of moving back but something in my gut wasn't right. I didn't handle the change very well and i was jealous and insecure, something i have owned up to and been trying to change for my own good. We argued but we were in love.

And then he became angrier and angrier. I tried to send him links to similar situations and sometimes he understood it could be grief that had made him changed but then he would say it was me, that he wasn't like this before he met me (he also still had a mother that was alive before he met me) and that i was blaming it on grief.

I knew the signs that it was going to end in a break up but i stuck it out and tried. I gave him space and asked for my own (which wasn't done successfully) and i tried to live my own life and make plans for myself as he was now saying he didn't want to be with me and didn't know if he wanted to move back anymore. Last week it went from space to break to break up in a matter of moments all via messages. He called and was his usual angry, childish self and said he wanted all his stuff back etc to which i calmly responded to by asking him to post my keys back to me and then we can go from there.

I was in shock but knew i had to force myself to accept it so went on Facebook and became single and blocked him for my own sanity. I received a couple of angry emails at work straight after telling me how quick i was to change it and shows who the immature one is and that he would post my keys the next day. I received a text from him the next day saying he hadn't had chance to post them and would do it the next day.

I haven't heard from him since until today when i received a package containing my keys and the keyring if us two that i attached when i gave them to him and a card that read:

Helena,

I’m so sorry that this is what it has come to.

I think about all the good times we had – and they were immense! But at the same time I cannot forget the bad times either. For me to question the relationship hurt; as it did you, but I also needed to be honest.

I’ve been thinking that after everything with my mum, I just need time and space to deal with it all. I need to be ‘shellfish’ which I know I can be (you told me often enough J). I just need to worry about me for a while.

I’m not saying I won’t live to regret this decision. I would never ask or expect you to ‘wait’ around while I decide/sort myself out.

I do genuinely love and care for you (despite what you think) and in time I hope that we can talk.

Those 4 months back in the UK were so challenging and you made it all the more easier…if you know what I mean.

I know I’m not your favourite person right now, but I just need to tell you how amazing you are!!

Love Always

Neil

X

What the hell am i supposed to do/feel/think now! I love this man but the person he has changed into i don't like. I knew i couldn't let him keep shouting and getting angry and that the only way forward after the break up was to have no contact, that the only way he could miss me and come back was for me to not be a doormat. He is fine to everyone else, he is happy and has fun but i have seen the change and it is me he is pushing away. He's so fine he has gone to Vegas with his friends on Holiday yesterday while i'm at home trying to make sense of what happened and how things have changed and how i've been pushed away. I'm a walking zombie just trying to get through each day and hoping he will realise what he has done, how he has changed and come back to me.

Any help and advice would be appreciated!

x

[plum]

Hi Helena,

I don't know if there is any advice I can offer you... Reading about ur r/s makes me feel like I'm reading about mine just with different names..

my relationship is holding on. by a thread.. but not much of a relationship really, since we're long distance, and he doesn't wanna see me or talk to me on phone, yet we message everyday. maybe a penpal would be more suitable...

Yes, it tears me up inside too seeing my bf going out with friends, and letting other people into his lives but just blocking me out. I know we're not suppose to take it personally but how can you not, when it's just you that has been singled out.. Same story with me too. he loves me, wants me in his life, rah rah etc. He hasn't snapped at me yet or gotten angry at me yet. Just keeps saying sorry. but I can sense it's coming soon. And I'm pretty certain that it will end up playing out like urs did. Yeah I wonder about that too. whether the guy that I fell in love is lost forever.. he himself suggested maybe that I loved the old him. maybe i did i don't know.

This is already our second try at giving our r/s another go. So I wanted to really try and make it work.. since I was the one that screwed up last time. But I can sense that its truly out of my hands... and nothing I can do can change the ultimate outcome. whatever that might be.

I admire you for having been so strong so far. And I hope that there will come a time when he realises that he was acting totally out of character and wasn't thinking right. But from what I've read so far with other ppl it doesn't sound promising...

I think you should continue to do what u've been doing and not have any contact. He is obviously living his life and I don't think we should sit around moping hoping for them to come back. Cuz it'll just make u feel even worse about urself. I'm a self confident and secure woman normally but I feel like what has been going on currently is turning me into someone I don't like.. insecure self doubting person. That's why I'm contemplating leaving. If I don't like myself how can I expect someone else to like me? And obviously for you, ur not liking whom ur ex bf has become.

Maybe for now it's better to tell yourself that you don't want to be with this person that he has become and that you will move on with your life? and if it's meant to be then he will come back. Easier said than done I know. I think that's what I'm gona do. I don't wanna be with someone that makes me feel crap about myself even if it's unintentional. and I think for now I also have to accept that the person I fell in love may be gone forever. There is no point waiting around for ur ex bf if there is no gurantee that he will return to the guy u fell in love with.

I think maybe think about the things that he has said and done and think, would I ever do that to someone I truly cared and loved?

I figured in the end it's easy to let go if u convince urself maybe he just doesn't love u enuf despite him saying so.. otherwise how can u try and justify all the hurtful things he did to u? Even if ur heart doesnt believe it....

My bf said the same thing that he feels it's unfair on me to be waiting around. Part of me feels that if I went back to being the happy confident person that he once fell in love with, when he starts to be able to deal with things again, that maybe he will come back. but no gurantee that I'll still be available of course. I think the chances of them wanting to get back with a mopey depressed girl is very low...

I think it's time to get angry!! wot? ur ex bf went off on holiday to Vegas? when ur going thru such a tough time from what he did to u? Has he actually considered for a minute how his actions may have deeply affected someone? well doesn't sound like it. No need to worry about someone that doesn't worry or care about u for now. You deserve someone better. Why should we put our lives on hold while they're resuming their life. (rather well it seems)

ur still young, you have plenty of time to get back with him at a later date if things works out. As for me I'm at the stage where I want to settle down and have kids so maybe that's why I'm leaning towards not waiting around.

It sounds like he still cares about you and won't be dating anyone anytime soon. So maybe use this opportunity to see what else is out there. and if he does come back u can be more confident that he really is the man u wanna be with.

Hope I helped somewhat but I feel like I should be last person giving u an advice really!

[Helena_d9]

Hello Plum, thank you for your response! I think you are the best person to be helping and i'm sorry that you are going through a similiar thing..i wouldn't wish this on anyone!

The only conclusion i can come to is that we are the closest to them, so are the ones that get pushed away. No rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. I don't understand how you can push the closest to you away in your time of need but you can't control someone's thoughts or feelings, and if it is their way of dealing with then more fool then for not using the person who would willingly be there no matter what. We were still in the honeymoon period was his mum was diagnosed and he said he's understand if i'd walked away but i'm not that person, and he was a guy i'd fallen head over heels so i would never abandon him. He has a brother that he doesn't get on with and the rest of the family are scattered so i gave up 3 months to stand by him and be his rock, to go out and get the precribed drugs so he could stay with his mum. The first time i ever met her, she was in hospital and it was hard. I remember staying with him at her flat and hearing her in pain in the next room and feeling shocked and upset but it was nothing compared to what he was going through so i stayed strong.....and this is where it has got me!

While ever you don't know there is no way of making a decision. I'm a big believer in relying on your gut and being clear (or at least the majority clear) of what you want to do before you make a decision. Maybe the fact you are unsure means you aren't ready to get out just yet? I don't know, only you know what your limits are and what is going on in your gut and head. I do know that if a person wants space you have to give it to them. They have to come to you if they want your help, they have to make their own decision as hard as that is. They know you are there for them and i think on your personal post on here that he was testing your commitment when he said he would understand if you walk away this time. I think he probabnle is unsure becasue of last time.

It's so scary how you can be on one path with someone and then suddenly it changes, they are no longer on the path with you.

I think we both have at least accepted that it is out of our hands. I recieved the card 5 days after he said he would send me my keys. I truly believe what he wrote was because of my silence. He had time to reflect and by saying he needs time to focus on him and space to deal with it, he has finally realised that it has had an effect - nice to not be blamed anymore! It's confusing becasue he says he loves me and cares and thinks i'm amazing and that he may live to regret it. If you know breaking up is the right thing to do then why would you think about maybe regretting it in the future? And i hate the the 'maybe one day we can talk'. I'm aware i'm probably over analysing but talk about what? Our relationship? Giving it another go? If he meant friends he would have said friends. And despite what he says i know he is asking me to wait for him. All i know is that i won't be getting in touch with him first. He needs to figure this out and he needs to initiate a conversation about getting back together. i can't do that for him.

I was independant and confident and secure, then my focus was on him for his mother and i think it never really stopped being. Previous times when i've tried to get myself back and cooled off he's always been very quick to wonder where i've gone so i guess why should this time be any different! I feel the card is a start to him getting back to himself. He could have just sent the keys after i didn't respond to his text but he didn't, he went and bought a card (we used to send each other cards as we were long distance with pictures etc) and wrote more postitive things than bad. I think i will always have hope until there isn't any. I will just have to live my life as i have been one day at a time but hoping. He gets back from Vegas on 27/4 and the orginal plan was for him to come up and i know i'll be wondering if he will, even if it's just for the rest of his things. If he doesn't i will then be worrying about the week after, after he's over jet leg and has no holiday to focus on anymore, will that be when he comes crawling back? Who knows? I do not want to be with the person he is but if it's grief and he can come back to me then i do want to be with him.

I know i'm young but i've had relationships that were bad and this is the first time it has clicked that i could get married and have a family with someone. I love him so dearly but i can't be a doormat. I still have hopes of a future....stupid, silly hope! It's funny how you think a 33 year old man is the one to settle down with and will be mature, but he turns out to be the most immature of all ym realtionships!

The Vegas trip has been booked for a little bit but i know in my gut that he should have wanted to go on holiday with me but this is just one of the many things that have changed recently. He won't have considered my feelings for a second but if he has he's doing a good job of hiding it by not finding out for himself. I obviously hope he is having a crap time!

Every situation i know is different but for me i say give them space, let them come to decisions on your future alone and deal with what happens. If they ask for your help or to be there then do so and if they don't then live your life. I know that things will work out how they are supposed to for everyone and if you truly can't do it then make sure you are certain and leave but until then, stick it out and know that you've done everything you can.

I really thought/think he was my one and i hope to god that he comes back. I'll get on with my days and maybe sometime soon i won't want him back but until then i'll be missing him. I do wonder whether he feels the same. Whether little things remind him of me or whether he wants to tell me something and realises he can't. As my wise Mum said, we were good together and i was good for him...he just seems to have turned into a bit of a dick at the moment!

x

[plum]

Hi Helena,

I'm glad that I could of a help somewhat during this difficult time..

As for me I still haven't made firm decision yet. I feel like I'm not ready to let go yet but now I lack motivation to keep going. I feel like I don't wanna deal with it and make any decisions and am gona bury my head in the sand like he is doing. I'm not gona get in touch with him unless he contacts me first. I haven't told him that I'm giving him space or a break yet so if he takes that as a sign that maybe i'm still angry and that he is just gona let me be and draw his own conclusions about the relationship that's upto him.

I was gona take him away on holiday for his b'day present but now i realise that would be the one present he would never wanna get as it involves seeing me.

So instead I have been looking into maybe organising some grief counselling for him. Have u ever suggested or considered this option to ur ex? My bf (or ex i'm not sure about my r/s status anymore) does at times open up to me about how he is feeling. once we have no contact I'm worried about who he will confide in. maybe he confides to other ppl already I dunno. But he is always the stoic type so i doubt this very much. I hate the thought of him not being able to confide in anyone once I'm not there. I figured at least if he has a counsellor or somewhat that he can confide in, that I won't worry so much.

I know what u mean about giving up 3 months of ur life when his mum was really sick. Ever since we got back together I have been the one planning my life around him and holding the r/s together as he was preoccupied with looking after his dad. but I guess for me collectively it has been lot longer than 3 months and hence why he doesn't want me to wait around even more for him.

I feel like ur ex bf does want u close by but not too close. It seems that everytime he feels like ur getting out of his grasp he tries to 'reel' u back in. It sounds like he does still care about u a lot but just isn't in the right frame of mind.

I've also decided that I'm gona block my bf on FB as seeing pictures of him having fun at his party without me would be the last thing I need now. The fact that he can still enjoy life and have fun in life without me and be ok with it hurts too much. Part of me wishes that he was curled up in bed crying then at least maybe he will let me look after him? but I know that ultimately that's worse for him.

Do u think it's possible that currently thinking of u just reminds u too much about his mum. u were there when she was really unwell and obviously the memories of her will be connected to u also. And currently thinking about her is too much for him. maybe once he can look back and think of her with fond memories he will also remember the good times u guys had.

I read on the internet somewhere that a girl going thru similar situation, her bf said that he felt like he has a wheelbarrow that is so overloaded with things that he feels like it's wheels are gona fall off. and that he really didn't care what it took to make the load lighter, or what kind of thing he got rid of in that process as long as it lessened his load. in their case it was obviously the relationship.. since it's such a significant part of ppl's life.

It sounds like he does care about u, but he just can't deal with things and he is not in the right frame of mind.

I'm glad that you have realised that you could meet someone else and be happy with them too. I feel that lot of people aren't necessarily with their 'soul mates' yet are happy and even soulmates break up.

I guess it's just learning to deal with what you have and don't have.

Hope ur feeling bit better everyday. :

[kayc]

Helena,

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, I know how badly it hurts (been there). From what I have seen on this section, it is his grief talking. You were the person he felt most comfortable with and thus the person it was the easiest to last out at...grief has it's "angry" stage. He very well may have regrets on down the road, but by that time you likely will have moved on in your life. It is unreasonable to expect you to live in limbo while he figures himself out...a person can do that maybe a few months but at some point has to do what is best for their own mental health. This back and forth wishywashyness is very hard to take for long. I think the situation is the same as all of the others who have had a death of parent and then "change" towards their intended...everything within them is going towards grieving and they haven't enough left in them to do "relationship"...relationships DO take work to maintain...time, thought, caring...and right now he just doesn't have it in him. No, it's not you, it's him. He may not be able to help it. BUT, as with anything, there are consequences to everything we say and do...and in this situation, the consequence is likely going to be, he's lost you. When the dust settles, it's possible something could change, but judging from the number of stories posted here, it seldom has a getting back together scenario. He will be a different person than he was before...and so will you for having gone through this.

You are so right that you have to respect the other person's desire for space. We can't "make" anyone anything! Continue to focus on this moment and what is good for your mental health and well being. Spend time with family, friends, self-betterment. Take a class, join a gym, clean your house, keep busy. Each day that goes by will get slightly easier. Most of the crying will be in the beginning months and eventually sleep returns and you wake up one day with the realization that you have a new "normal". Don't ever regret having done the right things. For what it's worth, Jim gave me some very confused messages once we did re-initiate contact after months of none at all...it's now 2 1/2 years later and there's been no talk of reconciliation. I don't think it's healthy to hope for or count on that, better to focus on what is good for you. Good luck to you!

Also, something Plum said made me wonder, do you think grief makes it had for them to consider having a relationship and life with someone when their mom lost theirs? I mean, their mom represented family and maybe they can't think of building their life with someone now.

[Pollara]

Well my psychologists friends had already warn me that he might not have the energy to deal with our relationship and to be prepared about it. I actually could not understand it, since I would never do such a thing to anyone, especially to the one that I am in love with. I never have grieved (although I also have lost my mother, but let's say that I am not a usual person) so I could not get it. But then I thought that when I have a serious problem that I am thinking over and over it again (i.e. a carreer problem) I cannot focus to anything else (OK I still had time for my beloved one, but except him I really couldn't focus even to do simple tasks). So I guess, this is 100 more serious for them, than my career problem, so probably they cannot focus to anything. I mean if you get out with your friends or join a party or go to holidays, you don't have to put your emotions. You are just going there. But if you want to be with someone, you need to put energy that you don't have because your main problem is yourself at that time and what you are going through and everything else is just a parenthesis. I guess that is the psychologic explanation.

But, my honest personal opinion is that if the relationship was ok the outcome wouldn's be like that. So I believe that in the end, the other person didn't care enough for us in order to put a little effort to maintain the relationship. I mean, I would be happy even with a copy paste of a goodnight every day, just to show me that he thinks of me, even for a second of the day. But no, they don't have the energy. For me these are all poor excuses. How come other people turn to their significant others? And also, have you ever thought that if it was another woman, they might not pushing her out? (Same goes for me). These are my thoughts anyway.

As for the letter, to me it is kind of positive. Because he says that he cannot ask to wait, but I guess that is what he wants (to wait for him). But as for the regretting part, yes of course he is not sure, but he cannot ask you to wait. That is what he tells you. Of course, when my ex broke up with me he told me that he might regret his decision, but now that we are on friendly terms, I can see that he is happier without me and that he didn't regret it. I guess your beloved one just don't know what to do.

[kayc]

I think your psychologist friends were off base in saying there's light at the end of the tunnel...honestly, they can't know that for sure, no one can predict with certainty what will happen. It could go either way. If one has grieved heavily themselves, how can they possibly know what the one grieving is experiencing? They can't! They can surmise, but they can't really know. And even one griever's experience will be different from another's, so we might have some commonalities but also some differences, and time lines are different, we have different coping skills, different personalities, so many things affect how we grieve, not just the loss itself.

When you go out with friends, there's not the expectation put on you, you don't have to put effort into it the same way you're expected to give in a relationship, so while someone might be able to hang with friends, they may not be able to "do a relationship" when grieving. It's not an excuse, it's how it is. And as hard as it is, they then are compounded with the loss of the relationship with us, even though they're the ones doing the breakup, almost as if they're paralyzed to do anything else. It's not as simple as you're thinking it is. They may look like they're going along merrily without us, but the truth is, they may feel very conflicted and confused, just speaking from experience. I've had a lot of time in which Jim has expressed little bits and pieces of how he felt over the years since. And you're right in that they don't fully understand it themselves. Let's just say this isn't something we can blame or fault them for...it's not like other breakups, but rather we need to do what is best for us, just the same as they need to do what's best for them, and forgiveness is always key in moving on with your life, try to remember the good and let go of the rest and do what is wise.

[Helena_d9]

Hello All, sorry for the quietness but i've been trying to just put one foot in front of the other and work through the limbo we all seem to find ourselves in.

I know i keep saying this but in my gut it is not over for me and him. I don't know know if i was pushing the thoughts of getting back together to one side before the card but now i just feel like it's backed up my feeling of hope. In my mind it is so unbelievable that he can be so stupid to throw what we had and me away. This week has been hard knowing he's in Vegas but i've been going to the gym and seeing friends and he flies back on Saturday. Am i stupid to think he'll get in touch or even come and see me? Is it possible he's had a lightbulb moment and realised he will never find anyone like me again?

I am putting all my faith in 'what will be, will be'. I see no other way of making a person realise than to disappear from their life so they are forced to take stock. We all know that when we go to bed the thoughts we've been pushing away all day come back. I've decided on what i'm going to do in response to the card at any rate.

I said once i got my keys back i would send him his mum's flat keys back too and i am going to but i'm sending them on Monday so they reach him the week after he is back from Vegas. I'm not doing it in a callous way but maybe it might do him some good having to wait and check the post like i did for a while because he'll be expecting a response to his card because i usually would. I think once he's over his jet lag and no longer has a holiday to focus on and is back to real life that it might finally hit him that he may have lost me and by sending the keys then it will have the most impact. I'm also going to send the keyring of us back with a tag attached saying 'this belongs to you, love always h'. I cannot bring myself to respond to the card like an eager puppy, he needs to be able to fight for me and us and want to work through this, so this is the only way i know how.

What do you think?

I'm not sure what i'll do if he doesn't but i think if he's going to get in touch it will be this weekend or the week after once he has his keys but who knows!

To make matters worse i've had guys coming out of the woodwork since the split and it infuriates me. I want to be a child and let him know so he can see people are after me and what he's thrown away, i want the guys to go away because they aren't who i want.

It's so hard when a relationship hasn't come to a natural end and that's why i still have hope and certainty that this isn't it. It can't be it!

Thank you so much for your replies! How are things with you Plum? Kayc, thank you for your advice, i've read a million times over your posts and advice how supportive you've been and how you've come through this and Pollara i'm so sorry you've joined our ranks but at least you're not alone in this!

Hopefully hear from you all soon!

x

[Pollara]

Well unfortunately even if he is to be with you some day, I don't think that things change that fast. He needs a lot of time to grief in his way and since he chosen that route, I doubt he will do everything even if you try to make him jealous or just delaying the post. To put it bluntly, unfortunately at this specific situation he only cares about his problem and himself and everything else is just a parenthesis. I doubt he will put more thought into your actions. I know that you still believe there is hope, and this is usually a phace that takes place when someone grieves a relationship. It's not a bad thing to hope of course, but in my opinion don't get your hopes up, because you will feel better when you will realise that nothing of these things that you expected actually happened.

[kayc]

I wish there was some formula that we could use, if we did this and that, everything would be okay. But if there is one, I haven't figured it out yet.

I think you're onto something, Helena, there was a forum I learned from when Jim & I broke up loveshack.org (not to be confused with .com, NOT the same!) in the break up section, and they said to go "no contact". With no contact, it makes the person realize what they're missing. If you're still around dropping a line now and then, they can still take you for granted. For myself, by the time Jim and I reconnected, I knew right away it wasn't likely to be more than friendship...and he's had ample time to change his mind and do something about it...he hasn't. I've accepted things as they are and am better off for it.

I just hate putting my hopes in what someone else does/doesn't do...to me that means I lose my power to choose for myself the outcome of my own life. Either the person loves me or doesn't, demonstrates it or doesn't, commits or doesn't. I'm not going to sit around and hold my breath and lose sleep over anyone. In my way of thinking, they need to join stride with me or fall behind.

[Pollara]

I agree with the no contact rule more than anything. And it usually works as a charm. But in normal cases. I doubt that someone who is grieving will notice the change. Also, isn't it better for them to take us as granted? I mean the mourners. Because, my "tactics" were always like that: no contract if he doesn't want to contact you and never let the other one take you as a granted. But, I doubt they care at their grief about anything else. For example, when my boyfriend came to visit me, a previous boyfriend of me, who usual was kind of jealous to him, called me and he didn't even flinch. I doubt that usual "tactics" work on these cases.

[Helena_d9]

Pollara you are making me sound horrible I feel the word 'tactics' might be a little strong and callous but if you think about it i guess i am just playing games, but only in the sense that for me i'm trying something new, trying not to be available to him and to make him realise all the things i've ever done for him and how much i've been there for him. The saying 'don't know what you've got until it's gone' is repeated enough for reasons

In my case i became the emotional punching bag. He was angry and would blow up at the slightest thing but only at me. He was fine with everyone else. I remember a couple of weeks before we broke up i was getting ready in his room and he had an argument with me and left to go into the living room where i could hear him laughing with his friends and being all fine when moments before he was shouting at me. He said hurtful things and i took it (trust me i'm no angel myself) so i know that i have done everything and been there. I know that he gets that i'm still here for him otherwise he wouldn't have said anything about waiting in the card.

I have a back bone and i can be fiery and stubborn but i had to bite my tongue for weeks and be the calm one otherwise arguments would have just got worse and worse. Then if i would snap and say something childish for a split second and apologise straight away he would still blow up so no contact is my way of regaining control and forcing him to take stock.

I got a text of him this morning, the first time i've heard from him since i got my keys back and received the card and didn't respond. It said:

Hi, how are you?

Hope you're ok

Sent you your keys last week - you get them? x

I haven't replied and i still won't until he has a conversation with me about something other than keys! a few things went through my mind after reading it. Is he trying to stay friends even though i've said being friends isn't an option and how the hell does he think i'm doing after he finished things and then jetted off to Vegas?! Is he actually just asking about the keys but couldn't that wait until he flies back and is home? Or is he trying to open up communication again and lay the groundwork to come see me tomorrow as we originally planned before we broke up?

I think Vegas is about 5 hours behind the UK so that means he text at about 3am. I'd be very surprised if it was a drunk text as that's not his style at all but it does make me wonder why he's texting me on his last day in Vegas? Is the excitement of the holiday gone so now he's getting in touch or has he been thinking about me the whole time?

I think that if he misses me and wants to talk about our relationship he can grow some balls and say that, not talk about keys. I think that i love him and i miss him but i also think that he needs to learn he can't treat people like he has and push them away. If he can show some willing then i'll be there but he can't do what he has done and still expect me to be the eager puppy waiting to hear from him and responding when and how he wants.

I really think you are better off KayC and i hope you realise how much help you are to people. I read posts from a few years ago that you advised and helped on before i wrote my own. I hope you find someone to make you happy and who can treat you how you deserve!

x

[Pollara]

No the word tactics isn't horrible. After all, everything for me is a strategy. It is good that you got a message for him, but on the other hand, isn't it how the story goes?Send us a message and then trying to start a conversation and never continue it. Or start to call again and then dissapear? Well at least the other posts says so. Keep on with the no contact then, you don't have something to lose. I mean the worst case scenario had already happened (breaking up with you). What worse could happen?

[Helena_d9]

Trouble is that's not the worst thing that could happen because i still don't believe it's really over so the worst thing is that i start to realise or it starts to feels like it is.

I love him and i miss him but i can't be with him when he's like how he is.

I think i'm going to stick to no contact until he can talk to me about the stuff that matters and hope to god he sees sense.

x

[kayc]

Helena, I think you are right on. And it's not a game. They need to know what it's like to be without us or how else can they make a good decision about whether or not they want us in their lives or not? I know grieving complicates things. But apparently it showed Jim he didn't want to have me in a love relationship because he never resumed it. But that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't make a different decision. I think he wasn't as ready as he'd thought for a relationship, I think he got infatuated with me very quickly and was too cowardly to get out of it...until he was going through his mom dying...then he couldn't handle it. But that's just my take on it. Someone mentioned in one of the threads earlier that maybe there was something wrong with each of these relationships to start with is why we lost them. I wouldn't go so far as to say that, I don't feel I can judge everyone's relationship by the little bit I see here under these extenuating circumstances, but in our case, maybe our relationship wasn't what I'd been led to believe. I mean just two weeks prior to breaking up with me he told me he saw us spending the rest of our lives together. Why would he say that if he didn't feel it? He's not a dishonest person so I know he wasn't a pretender. But maybe he had some mixed feelings he hadn't shared with me? I don't know and I'm way tired of trying to analyze it, after this long, it just doesn't matter what his reasons were. I know we had great potential and could have had a great love and life together had he chose that...but he didn't, so that's that.

[Pollara]

Well it depends on the case I guess. since he didn't tell you right after the incident that he wants to break up with you, then this ''no contact" might work. It is a good thing that he contacted you even if it is just to tell you about the keys. for example in my case I doubt it would have worked. I guess he wouldn't have noticed that I am missing or even if he does he will probably say something among these lines: Oh Polla is playing games but I don't have the courage to play or something like that.

But let's hope for the best in your case x

[Helena_d9]

So quite a bit has happened over the weekend....

Starting with the text i got on Friday about how was i and had i got the keys i got another message on Saturday asking me to acknowledge him. I wasn't sure what to do and sent a polite text back just saying Hello and that i had received the keys and thank you. We texted for a little while and wasn't giving much away and then i snapped and sent two full on messages that had been a build of 2 weeks of no contact from my end. He replied but only to say if it was going/gotta be like this then can he ask about his keys and stuff.

I met up with some friends yesterday and handed over my phone and they made me see that i just full on blew up on him and that he was maybe feeling me out and after i had responded it wasn't likely he'd be calling me anytime soon so last night i went down the honesty route and told him that for the last two weeks i had been missing him and that i had been hurt and angry and upset and confused and i may have gone slightly on the attack last night and can we have a phone conversation later that day.

He responded an hour later and said that of course we can, that he had missing me loads but i had told him i wanted nothing to do with him (i never said it like that by the way) and after i had blocked him on facebook he was giving me space because he thought that was what i needed. He said asked if it was the wrong thing to do that he knew i wasn't there to pick up when he wanted (part of my rant the night before) and that he hadn't heard from me. That he wanted me to get in touch but i hadn't.

We texted a bit more and he asked how i wanted him to support me (present tense) He said he has tried to be there for me and that he would be there for me (present tense) if i had to go through the same as him - i've said i was worried he wouldn't because of earlier issues in our relationship but i think this is me being unfair and maybe because i hadn't realised he was grieving.

He rang me last night and we talked for a couple of hours. Basically he loves me and he cares about and he misses me but he doesn't know if he can do long distance again, whether he has the energy and 'commitment' and doesn't know if he wants to move anymore. That where would be in a year or the future and that one of us would have to give. I've thought it through and i think this may just be doubts over the relationship (that obviously i wish he didn't have) rather than grief or not wanting to be with me. He got a little upset throughout the call and got off the phone at around 1am with him saying he'll text me today once he's looked at flights etc about coming to see me this weekend. He even text me saying 'Night x' after we got off the phone like he used to.

I thought about things and filled in a couple of friends of what happened and i text him earlier today saying:

Morning, hope you're not too tired huni. I'm glad we spoke last night and it's made me think neither of us has the answers about the future or about where we'll be in a years time and i don't think we are secure enough to be able to talk about it properly. But we do love each other and we do miss each other and i think that's a good starting point to see what could happen. We both need to take it slow but i'm willing to try if you are. I do love you after all x

I sent that at about 9.40am, it's now 3pm and i haven't heard anything back. I know he had to get a flight this morning from London to Jersey and then was straight back to work as soon as he landed so i'm trying to not think the worse. It almost feels like these 2 weeks has landed me back at square 1, i have no more answers and i'm trying not to worry. It seems like he does want to be with me but i don't want to have to persuade him to be?

What do you guys think?

x

[Pollara]

Well, look he didn't tell you to break up for grief related things. Usually grievers say something among the lines that they don't know anymore what they really want or that they don't feel anything anymore or something like that. I think that during his time of grief he thought about the relationship and the plus and minus. Of course if the grief wasn't on the way he might never thought of it to begin with. of course being in a long distance relationship, I can understand that it would be easier for him to move and now it is difficult for him to have energy for a long distance relationship. But it is a good thing that you are talking again. But I hope to be prepared if he says something that he want to be with you but he cannot afford a ldr

[Helena_d9]

So he responded and now I feel as low and in hopeful as ever. He said:

Hey,

Yeah, pretty tired. It's gonna be tea n crash tonight! Jet lag has caught up with me!!!

I'm glad we spoke last night too. It's given us both a lot to think about x

And then he text again saying:

I've asked - I'm needed to work on Saturday.

And after Vegas I can't afford a flight over either x

So no response to what I've said and no seeing him on Saturday.

This hurts.

X

[Pollara]

well in my humble opinion you should leave aside the relationship talks. I fully understand you that you want to make clear of it, but first, he couldn't answer you in a text. Men usually do small talks on sms. Secondly, he might wanted to answer you to your text regarding so as to come to you and answer you in phone call or something else about the relationship thing. At least this is how I see it.

[kayc]

Helena,

I don't know how much you care about this guy, but if you continue to push him, you'll lose him for sure. I'd back off and give him some space. This is a fairly new relationship and he's going through so much. If this is a relationship worth having, it's worth being patient for.

I think the goal would be here, to keep the relationship strong enough so it doesn't totally blow up, at least until you guys have some time to see down the road if it's something you want to have long term or not. You need more time and right now he can't think clearly and it looks like you aren't either. I'm sorry, just being honest, that's how I see it. I hate to see you lose something that could be just what you want.

If the relationship does survive, you can work out the logistics of where to live later on. I wouldn't let distance get in the way if it is the right person.

Pollara was typing the same time as me...I would leave relationship talks aside altogether right now, text or otherwise. He's not in the place he needs that or can respond to it. Sometimes just taking a deep breath and letting things be as they are...there's time enough for that on down the road. Anything else is going to seem like a demand right now and he just can't handle that right now. Do you not understand what grieving is like? It puts your head in a deep fog and you can't even think! Try just being his best friend, someone safe and easy for him to come to.

[Pollara]

I agree with KayC. Things like that unfortunatelly need patience. I can fully understand you that you don' t have the patience and you need to know what to do with your future. But it might even take years for his heart to heal. If you push him to make a decision, he would probably make the wrong decision and this is something that you don't want even if it is positive for you at this specific time. I also believe that the more you push things, the more you delay the possible return to you. And this rule applies to all kind of relationships and not only to grieving people.

It is the same with me, I need an answer, but I prefer just to wait and not push things. In the meantime, I might get over it and stop waiting for the answer. I prefer to see how things going until I return to my country and if things have changed then it is ok. If not, noone died from a heartbreak. I understand that this time you only want him but in my opinion, if you are not meant to be with him, you won' t and you will be with someone that deserves you. You will remember this and you will laugh

[plum]

Hi Helena,

Wow reading about ur situation is like déjà vu for me (long distance, how ultimately one of u will have to move etc)

I'm happy to hear that u guys r back in touch for now. But at the same time I'm sorry to hear that it's making u feel like ur stuck in a limbo.

I agree with what Pollara and kayc are saying. I don't doubt that he still cares for u and deep down does want to be with u. But he probably feels like the amount of emotional investment needed for a relationship let alone a long distance one is prob bit much for him currently.

I don't know ur guy but if he's like mine, he is prob a genuine caring person who doesn't play games. But at the moment it prob feels like he is playing with ur mind due to his uncertainty and indecisiveness. Im sure that's not his intention but he prob jus doesn't know how to handle life currently due to his grief.

I think even if u manage to get an answer out of him in regards to ur r/s, as in he agrees to try again it may not be the best option long term as he prob isn't ready for one, and it may mean that u guys run into trouble again. So I think maybe it would be best to just be friends for now and wait until u both feel ur ready? Then ur r/s probably has more of a chance working out for the best.

Ur still young and I guess ur in no rush to start family or anything? I think maybe use this opportunity to build on ur relationship but more as a friend, which means that should u guys get back together at a later date that u have even stronger foundation for ur r/s?

He prob knows that ur a great catch and doesn't wanna lose u but at the same time feels uncertain if he has the energy to maintain a r/s.

U don't want to be in a r/s with someone that only has 50% of their emotion invested in it. U derserve someone who can give u their full attention and love.

Hope ur feeling bit better!

[Helena_d9]

Hello, thank you all so much for your response! It really does mean so much!

I think you're right about not pushing it and being friends for now but i'm resentful towards him for not being being sure about me and us. On the one hand i don't know whether i should be thinking that he loves me and wants to be with me otherwise there would be no doubt and it would be over, but on the other hand if he loves me wouldn't he just want to be with me full stop?

I texted him back saying:

Ok, hope you get some sleep. Do you want me to post your keys? x

He said: No rush with the keys. How was your day? Not falling asleep at your desk i hope x

I said: My days been ok, i'm a bit tired now but made it through the day fine! How was your day? Not sure what you mean by no rush? x

He said: Day was looooonng!! Tea n bed for me! What i said, no rush x

I didn't think there was any point responding so i didn't.

This is so confusing! Do i wait? Do i not? Is it grief or does he just not love me enough. I feel exhausted and have no idea what to think or feel. I want to say 'enough' and walk away but i can't....i'm still so sure he's my one even though he's acting like this. It's like i had hope on Sunday, then less so Sunday night and now none.

I think even if i got an answer i would be scared he would change his mind so there's no point in hoping for a yes or no about us at the minute/ I just don't want to be another ex in his friendship group. He keeps in touch with his ex-fiancee and i don't just want to be another friend.

I feel like he doesn't know what he wants but he's keeping me on a string just in case. I really don't know if it's grief or if he's just messing with my feelings (intentionally or not)

Amazing how two weeks no contact (although all with hopefulness) felt easier than what it is now.

x

[Pollara]

I don't think he have the ammount of energy to play games with you. In my opinion I think he cares for you but he really doesn't know whether is ready or not to put an ammount of energy to your relationship. The problem at these cases is that they act based on how they feel. So one day he might feel talkative etc and the other like having no contact with you. It is reasonable for you to be uncertain. I am uncertain too myself. But at the same time it is up to you whether you will keep on with this or not. I don't believe that he will change from one day to another. Excuse me for telling you that. If you don't have the patience to wait just let it go. You will feel better eventually. he doesn't tell you what he wants from you because he might not even be sure himself. OK I know this sounds hursh. Like, you wanted to be his number one priority but you aren't. I fully understand you, but that is what my psychological knowledges tells me