Same Old Story Of Grief And Failed Relationship :-(

[Helena_d9]

I think that's advice i just need to stick to! Just get on with my life and be in touch and see what happens. But it's easier said than done. The guy i knew before everything was amazing but i'm starting to wonder whether he really is just a dick or not or if it is grief catching up?

My only worry is that a few of my friends were concerned about his controlling nature with me (mainly the age difference) and things being his way. He's stubborn and childish sometimes and i'm worried that he is wanting everything his own way at the minute because of that, rather than the grief.

I had a choice of walking away when his mum first became ill and i didn't, i was there throughout it all helping him as much as i could so i doubt i'll walk away from this now but there's only so long a girl can wait and i don't know if it's doormat like of me to do so?

Plus do i date do i not? There are so many if, buts and maybes running through my mind. I don't know if i'm going to hear from him today and i don't want to push him so do i maybe text him tomorrow saying something along the lines of him not knowing what he wants at the minute, we need to take a step back and take things slow, that we can be in touch and it's be nice to talk on the phone sometimes etc and see what happens?

I just want to get some control back, i feel like i need to say something to him so he doesn't just think i'm waiting around like an idiot?

Aaargh...what to do?!

x

[plum]

Hi Helena

I'm little concerned about ur comment about him being controlling?

I guess we dont know then if he is just using this to his advantage as u say

If I was you I would date other ppl while he's figuring things out. Im not encouraging u to go into another relationship but just harmless dating.

It'll certainly help u to keep ur mind off him!

and that way ur regaining some control of ur life. Whilst I wouldn't say to him that I'm gona date other ppl just let him know that ur gona be living ur life and that if opportunity arises for u to meet new ppl then u wouldn't be turning it down.

If he can't give u commitment now then no reason to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. Ur technically a single girl until he can commit again.

He has to realize that ur life will go on with or without him and that the option of him being in ur life as a boyfriend is not gona be available for infinite amount of time

[Helena_d9]

Controlling was perhaps too strong to use but this is all part of the doubt of whether i ever really knew him. He can be stubborn to the point of ridiculous and he does want things his own way and that's what worries about whether this is what it's all about now and whether it's worth the wait...i don't know if those first few months were amazing because it was honeymoon period and it would have ended like this anyway and me not liking who is he is or whether this is grief.

There's no way i can do another relationship at the minute so there's no harm in that but i just feel at a loss with everything. I'm sick of him constantly being on my mind and being so pathetic but i haven't got the energy to say 'enough now'.

Right now i don't even have the energy to face him and say the things you suggested Plum. I just feel at a loss of what to do or think or say and this is what makes me angry at him. He says i'll never know what to him for me being there but i won't if this is how he can be treated. It all just feels too big and huge to deal with. Can't there just be a magic pill for me to get over this and him?!

The dream is he can return to the person i knew or i at least see a glimmer of it and i can't. And then the added pressure of future and one of us moving and knowing him he'll expect me to move to the small island that is Jersey without anything and anyone, whereas if he moved back to Manchester and i eventually moved there, he has a life there too but he won't. I just feel like giving up on everything.

I'm so sick of flip flopping from one thought and feeling to another. I've been through about 5 different emotions already today and it sucks.

x

[kayc]

Everything isn't so black and white...it's not that he's a wonderful guy or a dick. When a person is grieving, their head is in a fog, they can't help it. If you haven't the patience to wait for him, then don't, move on. But don't hate him for what he can't help. He doesn't have an ounce left in him to do a relationship right now. Later maybe...but then again, when someone loses someone they get a new normal and they are no longer the same person. Does that make sense to you? It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it.

[plum]

I'm sorry to hear that ur going thru such turmoil atm Helena.

I think this is a situation that can't be solved or worked out right now and I think it would be best if u walked away (temporarily) for now.

The dilemma u guys have about eventually moving is same as us. My guy loves where he is as its his hometown and his siblings r there and as both his parents passed away there he feels very strong connections there. However it is impossible for me to move due to my career.

He himself knows that the logical thing would be for him to move. But it's to a city where he has no friends and connection. and he does not want me to sacrifice my career as he knows how hard I've worked for it.

I think the added pressure of the fact that he may have to leave his hometown behind just makes the relationship to hard to deal with. They're not in the right frame of mind to think about the future currently. I sense that he is just in a survival mode and trying to get by day to day. So the last thing I would want to do is to rock the boat and pressure him into thinking about 'our future'

I agree with kayc. They're just in a big fog not really competent to make any kind of decision.

Just let him be and if it's making u unhappy how r is currently u should give urself a break and time out for ur own santity.

I've been there thinking why can't he just think in a logical sensible way? But I realized that's too much to ask from them right now

[Helena_d9]

Hello, i have no idea why but it always seems at this time just after i've had lunch at work it just seems to become overwhelming and i feel so low.

I'm trying to understand I'm trying to think about the fact that this is so consuming for me and that maybe this is what it is like for him with grief but the trouble is he won't acknowledge if he's grieving or if it's affecting him which leads me back to the question...is it grief or is this him?

He still hasn't got in touch so i think the space is happening without me having to decide. How can he go from 'i miss you loads' to a phone conversation a few hours later and him pulling back to now this, back to nothing. I keep getting so mad (i think like you did Plum) when i think about what i've done for him and that if i was in the same situation, how i would never, ever treat someone i care about like this. It's just a complete mind f**k.

I think i keep making things so much worse by thinking of the future, about what happens if he doesn't come back, what happens if he's done and moves on to someone else. He hasn't been a very good boyfriend for the past few months and it made it hard when he said it wasn't grief but my fault. I literally have no idea what the hell i'm doing.

Do i get on with my life and see if he gets in touch? If it's just friendly chat, how do i respond? My pride feels a little stung about the idea of just responding to him when he feels like getting in touch but is it grief? I wish i just had a crystal ball to see how things turned out but obviously that will never happen

It's like i want to shake him and make him see sense. We were so happy and we would make each other so happy together, make him see how good we are together and that he is throwing away the best thing that will happen to him. I don't want him to realise when it's too late.

x

[Helena_d9]

I realise Google is not my friend right now but i came across another forum about someone in our situation in 2009 (it's almost comforting to know that this happens/has happened before) but some people were saying that grief and death makes you reevaluate your life and choices and instead of letting this eat me up i'd thought i'd post on here....

Does this mean i should face facts that he just doesn't love me enough? That the death made him reevaluate his life and that he doesn't want me in it? That if i meant enough i wouldn't get pushed away? But then why the doubt whether he does or doesn't want to be, why the prolonging of it and not just ending it....why miss me 'loads' after not speaking for 2 weeks?

God this is exhausting

x

[Pollara]

Well yeah in some cases it is like that. It depends. In my opinion I strongly believe that if they really loved us that much they wouldn't push us away. But this is my opinion. My psychologists friends tell me that this is not always they case, but they have energy for nothing. I have also read a case where the guy broke up with the girl for grieving reasons and when he came back she was with another guy. Yes he might reevaluating his life, his purpose or thinking about it.

In my case, although we had a happy relationship, if he evaluated in a long terms then maybe he decides that I am not the right girl for him, since I don' t want to have family in the near future and he wants. But on the other hand, is not that there is a girl that wants to marry him right now so I really don't know.

What also my psychologists friends tell me (they have encountered a lot of grieving cases) is that every person grieves differentely. OK the patterns on our cases are similar, but the grieving process is different for anyone. So someone during his grieving process might think of change his entire life, others choose to evaluate their friendships or others they don't have energy to do nothing. It is not that if one did that all the others will do the same. I also read a case when someone couldn't keep on because the girl reminded him of his mother. Others might seek a girl who remings them of their mother. I really don't know and since they don't tell us, we cannot "negotiate" everything. On the one hand I am happy since I only met his mother when she was terminally ill, so there are not a lot of memories including me and his mother, but maybe he had made a link to his head with this situation and me. Maybe in the future he might make a situation with his grieving and me. Well, whenever I think all the aspects I say: Oh I am totally lost here, but time will show

In your case to be honest, I think he isn't so certain. On the one hand he wants to be with you and miss you, but on the other he finds it difficult to devote energy to you.

[kayc]

Yes it is grief and not you. And our situations are all so identical and grief is the commonality. He is responding just like Jim did and it IS hard to take the emotional confusion! You'll either have to accept him as is right now or let him go, you really don't have another choice. I don't think it matters much what the reason is as we can't change it, but what matters is how we choose to respond to it. That is the only control we have in the situation, what are we going to accept, what are we going to draw the line at, how are we going to handle this? That is what we get to decide.

I'm not sure they consciously think anything, they may not be aware what is going on or how/why they feel as they do.

I don't think most people break up their relationships when they're grieving, but obviously, some do. We who are here have experienced the latter scenario of break up or distancing/pulling back. Their reasoning, if any, may be different, or may not. That doesn't matter. What matters is how we respond.

[Pollara]

It is true. You cannot base your happiness on external factors. And here is not just his will or something but a real external factors. Even if you asked them before the death, I am pretty sure that they wouldn't have waiting to react like that. I remember that a part of my bf wanted his mother to die because she was suffering and he was saying that he will feel relieved if he does. But now, he cannot do anything rather than going out with his friends. He abandoned me, his hobbies and his work. And he was the one who was saying that he is pretty tough and he had used to tough situations! I was the one who had second thought about the Long Distance Relationship and he was the one saying that he loved me so much and if we want to be together time and space don't matter. And he would do nothing to jurt me. So you never know yourself how you will react until you caught up to the situation.

But here you only have 2 choices:

1. be there and wait patiently and suffering and in the end you might have waited for nothing. Not to mention that this might take years

2. Let it go and suffering in the begining but feel better in the end

Whatever you choose is up to you and nothing guarantees results. I mean I know that the second one might sound cruel or that you cannot think about it, (I am on the same situation) but in the end, he might return and you might be there willingful to give him a second chance

[kayc]

You are so right Pollara, that is pretty much what I'd said too. We can accept it as is (which might prolong our agony and not change anything in the end) or we can let go and move on. And in either case, they might return to us...or might not. But we have to control our own destiny. My happiness cannot be outward based.

[plum]

I can totally understand ur frustration Helena!! Arghh yes think all of us here can relate to exactly what ur goin thru.

I do agree with kayc and pollara. I think all this is due to grief. I have also been looking into how guys deal with stress (going back to good old men are from Venus and women r from Mars)

and from lot of what I've read from research I think lot of guys just shut down.

My friend did actually point out to me that the my guy is just being the caveman he is and it is one of the things I like about him, versus someone more in 'touch' with his feelings, she also pointed out how I didn't like how my ex was like that. Lol

But I have also read that grief makes u question and reevaluate everything.

I like to believe that if our love is strong enough then that they will find their way back to us.

I guess today I'm feeling more optimistic. but I guess in my case my guy has been more clearer about things which helps..

[plum]

I also second what pollara is saying about u having 2 options currently.

I think choosing no 2 does not mean its the end good bye.

I think lettin it go and seeing what happens might be the best way to deal with things for now?

Like the saying if u love something set if free?

I said to my guy that I found my way back to him after we broke up first time and that if he finds his way back to me after this then we will really know that we're meant to be?

Don't worry about him finding another girl or anything like that. That's his loss if he chooses someone over u.

[Helena_d9]

Hello so day three of no contact. Every time i think about what is going and how he is currently acting i'm just flabbergasted...it's just so ridiculous!

I know i just seem to be writing the same old stuff over and over so thank you for the patience. This is the only place i feel like i can say exactly what i'm feeling to people who actually understand so thank you so much for your continuing advice!

Pollara, i was in the same situation in that i was unsure about long distance and he persuaded me to give it a go, he chased me and he was the one talking about marriage (he proposed a few times after his mum's death) and moving and our future and i knew to take everything with a pinch of salt but then as soon as i came around to his way of thinking he backed the hell off. I have to believe he hasn't meant to toy with my feelings but unfortunately he has.

I seem to have been searching for answers or some way of making a decision and i know that the 2 options you all mentioned are the ones i have but somehow i can't bring myself decide. I'm not able to say i'm done and it's a case of even though i've now seen him at his worst in terms of behaviour towards me, i still love him. I know the only answer is to carry on with my life and whatever will be, will be but somehow that doesn't seem to make things easier at my lowest points.

I'm the same as you Plum, i like the fact he was a man's man but maybe this is what it really means to be a man's man when it comes to feelings and grief. I promise you all i really do believe in the whole what is meant to be will be and if we are supposed to end up together then we will etc but like i said, i'm just having a hard time believing that for myself right now and keep feeling scared over the fact that we may not end up together.

He really is an idiot. I feel resentful at the thought of if it was the other way around, would he still be hanging around or would he like to feel like this? How he thinks it's ok to go from I miss you to a phone call to silence but i guess only time will tell what will happen next.

I'm so grateful for your help....thank you so much!

x

[kayc]

I have no more advice to offer, just I am sorry there's others going through the same thing I went through. Everyone's situation is unique but also similarities. Jim told me he planned on spending the rest of his life with me and then just two weeks later...gone. He is someone who is honest and caring, not a heel, not someone to blatantly disregard someone's feelings...I truly think it was the grief and lack of sleep that sent him over the edge...he couldn't do the emotions he was going through AND a relationship.

Knowing that doesn't mean, however, I didn't feel hurt and angry. It also doesn't mean I want more of the same. Unless we could talk about what happened and why and there were assurances it would never happen again, I could not trust him enough to give my heart to him again. What you guys are going through, that's what I went through. I spent months crying myself to sleep. Bewildered. Confused. Hurt. I don't get it because this is not how I respond. Someone said unless we've been there, we can't know how we'd respond. Well I have been there. I lost my dad, my dear sweet MIL, my nephew, my niece, grandparents, and the toughest one...my sweet husband. Losing my husband affected my life on every level, and yet you know what? I never cut anyone out of my life over it! The opposite happened, my friends disappeared on me. They couldn't handle grief and they ran. That's happened to some here in this section too. Sometimes it's not the griever that does the disappearing act, sometimes it's THEIR SO or friends!

[plum]

Hi Helena

Please don't apologize for feeling like ur just repeating urself here!

That's what this is for and we're all in the same boat! Just in different phases I guess.

I know it's really hard to just accept the thing that u want the most is totally out of ur control and that u have to just 'accept' it

Don't know if this helps at all but when I was talking to my guy I said how I feel like I've supported him

And been there all throughout. But now he doesn't want me to be there. He said maybe that's why

I don't know what exactly he meant by that but thinking about it maybe they feel like they've already used us for emotional support and

'burdened' us with enuf things already? Hence they feel like they can't burden with us anymore as they will start to feel guilty and

Feel like they are getting emotionally dependent on us?

I dunno. Just a thought.

I'm kind of like that in the sense I have 2 best friends. But I won't always tell both of them about a dilemma or stressful time I'm having.

Sometimes I even lean on not so close friends for advice and help instead of them. I guess I kind of 'rotate' them as I feel like I don't want to be this depressing emotional wreck all the time to them. Give them bit of a breather so to speak.

I've also kind of distanced myself from one of my besties currently and lean on my other one for advice currently as I just don't feel like talking about my current problem. I don't know why. She's always been the one I turn to whenever I was stressed or having rocky patch with my guy. Maybe it's cuz I feel like I've already talked so much about the relationship to her before?

I can't explain why but I just feel like not really talking to her and shutting her out until I get over this.

I know she feels neglected somewhat but I can't seem to help myself and she is one of my dearest friend.

I know it feels like u won't be happy again but give it some time. And even without having to make any kind of decision things will play out without ur input and u will be in a better place.

We're all here for u so feel free to vent any time.

[Pollara]

Plum your post was very helpfull for me although I don't know if that is the case. My bf kept always telling me that I supported him when his mother was ill etc but I am a rather apathetic person when it comes to feelings, like these. I am more of a cheerful person and when someone is feeling sad I don't know what to do and don't know what to say. I kind of feel that I cannot provide any help and just stay there and listen to others and don't know what to say. And I had told him all my "problems" about it. That I sometimes feel that I am inadequate of supporting him ( I told them my thoughts about these before the death). So maybe he now thinks that this would be very difficult for me to handle since I luck this ability, so he might prefer not to put this burden to me. OK this is just a theory but I have never thought of it until I read your post.

[kayc]

Pollara,

Having endured much grief/loss in my life, I can honestly tell you that sometimes there is nothing a person can say but the greatest gift one can give is just to be there and to listen and care. You have given him those gifts.

[plum]

How ru going Helena? Any updates?

[Pollara]

Yeah Hellena I totally understand how you feel and i guess it is the same for us. For example when I am talking to my "normal" friends that they do now anything about grief they tell me: "ok it is his grief. so what?Does this mean he is not selfish and self centered as a person? You only treat him well and you never push anything over him. You never had fought over anything and during the last months you don't mention anything about your relationship in order not to make him feel pressured. And so what? OK let's assume that he comes back, how do you know that this won't happen again, or do you trust a guy like him? "

And sometimes I also have these thoughts because at the end of the day, I didn't even ask him to resume our relationship the way it was before. It would be fine even if he tells me that we will discuss it when return but break up for now. I just want him to tell me if there is any chance of being back together or if he has already broke up with me and just doesn't have the courage to tell me. But I guess, since we don't speak and when we speak is only a chit chat dialogue, we technically are not together. But maybe he just doesn't know. But on the other hand, I am saying, to hell, what this supposed to mean? The only thing I would know would be whether to be with someone or not. I mean it is a total different matter to know that you want to be with someone but don't have the emotional power to copy with him at the moment rather than you don't know. How can be someone so uncertain about the only person that was next to him? And then I become angry again lol. well since someone doesn't know, doesn't this mean that you are not very important to him? I said to myself. But they I justify him again by saying, ok you were only together for a few months. Maybe he wasn't certain to begin with

[kayc]

I had someone tell me to "quit making excuses for him" because I was trying to understand all that was going on. But I knew him, they didn't. I knew that his ending our relationship was uncharacteristic of him in all I had known him to be with his XW, his friends, colleagues, neighbors, family. But he did break up with one previous person in a cowardly fashion so maybe it's a pattern of breakups? I don't know, I don't know anything anymore.

It's a terribly hard thing what you guys are going through though, the being in limbo, not knowing how to respond, it's the worst. (((hugs)))

[Helena_d9]

Hello again...sorry for the quietness but it's been a particularly hard weekend! Nothing much has happened except a few text off him on Friday. He text around 5pm to say he'd received the keys but he had said no rush and called me 'huni' - our affectionate term for each other which hasn't been said in a while. He then text me a couple of hours later saying that the keyring i sent back to him of us was a lovely thought. I replied a couple of hours later saying that i'm a lovely girl...what can i say . He replied saying i was and an amazing one too.

i was so confused and annoyed so i didn't respond.

Last week i said about taking things slow and if we care about each other it's a good start, 8 hours later he replied without acknowledging what i said, i then didn't hear from him for 4 days without an apology or explanation and all i get is a message messing with my head calling me huni?! It's now Tuesday and i've heard nothing from him again. I'm not sure if he remembers i was supposed to have a date on yesterday (it was cancelled due his dad going in hospital - you can't make this stuff up!) but he didn't bother to text or say anything about. I suppose that shows where i am on the list of priorities.

The mood i'm in i am not even slightly feeling sympathetic. Millions of people lose their parents or someone they love...does that mean you have the right to treat people like this? That all manners and consideration go out the window? I can guarantee he will probably bending over backwards for his friends but not me. I stood by him and i supported him and i earned the right for him to stick by me.

I am so hurt right now and i can't believe he doesn't know what he is doing to me and not care. He is so selfish!!!!!!! I feel low and sad most of the time but sometimes it's easier to deal with but the sick feeling in my stomach goes away. How can he do this to me?

I wish i had never met him, i wish i had never supported him and i wish i had never fallen for him. Who does he think he is to treat me like this and get on with his merry life?

Sorry...rant over

x

[Helena_d9]

P.s i stupidly went on Facebook and unblocked him for a whole 48 hours and it seems as though him and his ex-fiancee have slipped back into their old ways on there...it's lovely to know it's a case of out with me and back in with her...i wonder if they deserve each other the sad, sad people?!

I know it's an overreaction but it just makes me mad that was there something to be worried about at the time? It's only liking every single thing that he posts but my gut told me that she wasn't happy about him having his first serious relationship with me after her and i'm sure she wanted to be there for him during everything but she must be a very good doormat to put up with him if he has ever been like this with her, how he is with me. They lost a baby together a few years ago and she cheated on him etc so if he was anything like he is with me then they deserve each other...even though she left the island, but no doubt doormats have no problem in dropping everything and moving back

x

[Pollara]

Hmm did they have keep contact all these years? If they did, I guess there is nothing to worry about. I guess. But I have also read that in other threads, that they had no problem to talk with ex-s that they didn't speak like for ages, but not with the particular girl. Sometimes this behavior like we are not exist or like they treat us like they hate us really bothers me.

My bf also had an ex girlfriend like that who cheated on him and was very jealous and she didn't like the fact that she had another girlfriend but they were on "war" terms. Not even talking. So if he chooses her over me at the end of the day, well he deserves it

[kayc]

He sounds like most of them here...very confusing. Jim re-connected with his XGF too, even though she supposedly "scared him" so much that he literally caught a plane in the middle of the night to move back home/away from her. I asked him what had changed that he no longer viewed her as a threat, didn't really get an answer.

Talked to him last night and he called me "Baby" as if we're still together. You're right, so very confusing!!!