Same Old Story Of Grief And Failed Relationship :-(

[kayc]

I hope you can think of this move as a fresh start and wiping him out of your heart, like a breath of fresh air.

I had someone really lamblast me on another site, after Jim broke up with me. I was so heartbroken and she basically told me I shouldn't think of myself, that he should choose his mother over me and how could I be so selfish! I disagreed. She said forums people should be able to express what they want and if I couldn't take it to stay off. Wow. I only hope she gets to experience it first hand someday.

I, like you, feel that grief is not an excuse for bad behavior. If he'd wanted some space, needed a break, I'd understand. But for long term, to just break up with no warning, no explanation, and do it the chicken way he did...no excuse. And the trouble with that is, it breeches trust so bad, it'd take major effort to put humpty dumpty back together again...which I don't see.

Good luck with your move, I hope this is the start of a much better life for you, you deserve it!

[Pollara]

Hi Helena!

Nice to see you again. I am sorry that you ot to feel again like this. I hope it is temporary and I hope everything go well with the moving.

Well I know that it is hard to say, but your ex gave you an explanation on his letter. Mine too. I mean they told us that they are breaking it off because they need to be selfish and focus on themselves.

Yes of course it is frustrating and unjustified but at least they did it. They cannot tell if the break up is forever or temporarily because they don't know themselves. Yes I know that if my ex had told me please wait for me, even if it was for one year or more I would have waited. But try to be a little in his shoes (ok I know this is the hardest of all) but if I was feeling that bad and for some reason I couldn't give any more to the relationship, wouldn't be unfair to the other to wait? I don't hold any realistic hopes of getting back with my ex (although hope is the last thing dies), but I cannot either be mad at him that he lost his mind and got depression. Depression is not only a psychological state but at some point makes a reaction to your brain.

But of course we cannot wait when and if their depression gets over. And even if its over noone guarantee that they will seek us. So at this point we should just move forward and if it is to happen it will happen. And no I don't mean it with any way regarding to fate, as we are the one that we define our fate, but if our love was strong and their love was strong enough for us, then they will seek us, otherwise it wasn't meant to be and we would have break up at some point later, or this is how I am thinking.

[Helena_d9]

Hello All,

Hope everyone is ok and doing well. I just wanted to check in because i always remember when i was on here and trying to work through everything, there never seemed to be any posts that came to a conclusion - whether it was a happy ever after or people moved on.

Firstly let me clarify that i still haven't heard a thing from my ex since a brief text conversation over 6 months ago. It was the 1st anniversary of his mother's death and funeral this past December and although i wanted to just tell him that i hoped he was ok, i knew it was the wrong thing to do. Admittedly there has been a few times when i've had a little bit too much to drink and i wanted to call or text him but fortunately the sensible part of my brain kicks in and i think about the fact that this is how he wanted it and he has lots of other people to turn to if he needs to.

Secondly, i have actually met someone. I have never been a jumper from one relationship to the next and i was extremely pessimistic that i would ever meet anyone ever again - my heart was broken, i thought i would be alone and hurting forever! But, 8 months after being pushed away and dumped by my ex - i am the happiest i have been in a very long time.

I can now look back on me and my ex without the rose tinted spectacles. Being with my new boyfriend for the last couple of months have made me realise what relationships should be like. That it should be fun and exciting, that you should be able to turn to them if need be and that you support each other.

Admittedly i tried to date after my ex but after one guys dad died shortly after, i was starting to feel like the grim reaper of parents!!! John (my lovely new boyfriend) actually lost his uncle not so long ago and i could feel myself panic that it was going to happen again, that not only had someone close to a boyfriend had died again but that he was going to turn on me like my ex and it was all going to fall apart. Apparently some people don't turn into a nasty piece of work when they lose someone close....who knew?!

I haven't written this to rub anything in or to show off about how happy i am now, i've simply written it because i can remember feeling like there was no hope after me and my ex had split up. There was no closure, i couldn't understand what was happening or why he was being like he was when i'd been his main support and did everything i could for him during such a horrible time, and i honestly thought that Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day, my Birthday and all the other 361 days of the year were going to be sad, lonely and utterly depressing.

I went from being so upset and heartbroken to a walking zombie and now i can hand on heart say that it was worth it. I now know that i didn't deserve how i was treated, i know what i am capable of in terms of supporting someone and i'm proud that i never walked away. I had completely forgotten what relationships were supposed to be like when they are good and even if me and my current boyfriend break up, i know i'll be fine and that i can get through most things.

I really hope that getting everything off your chest on here helps - remember it being such a relief to be 100% honest on this forum about how i was really feeling without fear of being judged or thought of as weak and/or selfish. I can't believe i'm writing this but things will actually turn out ok in then end, even if it doesn't feel like it :-)

Xxxxx

[MartyT]

Helena, my dear, I am so happy for you ~ and I'm very grateful to you for coming back here to share with all of us where you are now. Thank you so much. You will never know how many people have been (or will be) helped by reading your story. ♥

[kayc]

Helena, so good to hear from you again, and I'm so glad you found someone who treats you well! I feel like in my situation, it turned out for the best, after all, I don't want saddled with someone who can't be there for ME through thick and thin, or someone I can't trust better than that. I have chosen not to date, but then, I am older, and I've accepted my situation as it is. Still, one never knows how life will go! (I just don't like dating.)

I appreciate that you made the effort to come back and post your story's update, you're right, most don't, and it gives some hope to the others going through it that can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Helena_d9]

Both of you are more than welcome!

Without sounding too overdramatic, i'm not sure what i would have done without this forum. Its very hard to speak to family and friends about a situation they have no understanding of (and probably get sick of hearing about after a few months anyway) and to make sense of something that actually makes no sense at all. It was such a relief last year to have somewhere to go and to be able to write all my thoughts down and get some invaluable advice.

I'm British so we don't gush very well () but from the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who responded to my post - especially you KayC! You are such a strong person to have gotten through so much and i have the upmost respect and gratitude for the time and effort you put into this forum and helping people. I honestly wish the very best for you and if anyone deserves to be happy then it truly is you. Thank you for everything.

As i said, i just wanted to come back and say that no matter how low people are feeling and how hopeless everything seems, it is possible to make it to the other side of this horrible situation, no matter what the circumstances are (because someone you love who is pushing you away and doesn't want to be with you through grief is never easy) and it is possible to be happy (if not happier) eventually.

I used to search and search for happy ending stories where people got back together and i couldn't entertain the thought of me and my ex never being a couple ever again - after all, when you know you've met the right person, you know (even if you've been together a short time). I just happened to have found a completely different happy ending than i originally thought and with someone else.

I've learnt so much and i am now with the sweetest, loveliest, kindest man (with a very sexy edge!) and i'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds. And in typical fashion, i found him when i wasn't looking and through friends - technically we should have met a long time ago with the people we have in common but i like to think the timing just wasn't right

Anyone who is reading this, it will get better i promise. It takes time and a lot of tears, confusion, unhappiness, numbness, anger, loneliness and quite a few ups and downs but it'll all work out fine in the end.

Good luck to everyone on here!

XXXXX

[kayc]

Sometimes someone serves the purpose of making us very appreciative of the one that comes along that IS the right one! (Or as in my case, it's not so bad to be alone)

What I really love hearing is that you realize you didn't deserve this treatment.

[Pollara]

Oh that's great news Helena!! I am wishing you your best with your new boyfriend. Oh and of course, not all people turn out like that and treat their significant other like that, but some do. It's a cruel world after all for all.

But anyway, I am very glad that I am reading this from you!

Thanks for everything and be happy