Same Old Story Of Grief And Failed Relationship :-(

[plum]

Aww I'm sorry to hear that u had a tough weekend

I hope u feel bit better after ur rant

Lol trust me I've thought the exact same thought of 'which I never met him' at times when I've been really upset about the whole thing but then I remember all the good times we had and think I wouldn't trade those for anything.

Interesting what u say about the ex being bit of a doormat. I think I was maybe unintentionally thinking of becoming one by trying to hold r/s together earlier on. Like wondering if I should change my career to allow me to move to where he is etc. but it wasn't a serious thought and he nipped that in the bud saying that he wouldn't respect me if I did

Like I said in my other post I don't think they will think we're doormats if we hung around but I guess if u think ur guy is not respecting u and treating u like crap then dont wait for him. Cuz u don't want to be with someone like that. But guess currently situation makes it hard to figure things out. I know my guy is one of the least selfish ppl I know so I don't mind him being 'selfish' for now. But I guess for u Helena uve said that he can be rather selfish and childish so hard to say.

I figured that he knows where I am and what he needs to do in order for us to be together so he can just come find me when he is ready and meantime I'll be getting on with my life.

Do u think Helena if u were to maybe show him u were doing ur own thing and getting on with ur life without him so to speak it might somehow make him see that time won't hold still in this current limbo forever?

[plum]

Oh and about the ex fiancée thing on FB I

Would say don't worry about it. If he wants to get back with her then there is nothing u can do and they pron deserve each other then.

Also that gives u a clear decision as to what to do.

I've decided that if my guy is thinking about wanting to be with someone else then I'm gona bolt! Cuz that's the last straw for me. I'm pretty sure he knows that if during this 'limbo' phase he does something that I would consider to be inappropriate for someone in a r/s, like say go out on a date or get cosy with someone I would leave him at the drop of the hat.

It may sound bit hypocritical as I have subtley suggested that I may indeed be open to idea of going on dates with other ppl should the opportunity arise, but at the end of the day they're the ones that kinda wanted to call things off do I think we have the right to 'window shop' so to speak. I obviously wouldn't go any further then harmless dating before deciding which one to end and which one to continue thou

[kayc]

I agree, the footing is not exactly equal because they are the ones making the decision to put you in limbo so if you do find someone else, well that's the risk they took by taking a breather from the relationship...but on the other hand, if they are going to be with someone else, I'd definitely move on, I wouldn't wait on the sidelines for someone who's throwing me overboard!

[Pollara]

Well to be honest, of course this is my logic, I don't mind if he goes and have sex with a random girl. Sex is a physical contact and he might feel this need at this point (let's say). But if it is to make a move back to his ex and do a relationship with her, hell no. There wouldn't be a way of forgiving him at all.

[kayc]

I'm not that open.

[Pollara]

Yes most people don't think like that. I agree with it. But I don't have a problem not only with a griever but in general. Of course this isn't something I tell them. lol. But this is what I think if it ever comes to it.

[Helena_d9]

Haha i agree KayC...i'm not that open either!

So i haven't heard from him again all week and there is no chance (no matter how low i've felt) that i will get in touch. I've been up and down and trying to get through each day which is why i haven't been on lately....just trying to not to make my whole life about him and how he's making me feel. I had a bad day yesterday when i flicked to June on my calendar to write a couple of things in and i saw that he had written a couple of gigs that we had tickets for. One of them is in my hometown so it'll be interesting to see whether he gets in touch about them or even goes...or asks me a couple of days before to go with him to the hometown gig and have somewhere to stay!

But i managed to somehow get past it and have a nice night at the theatre and in other news the guy i was supposed to go on a date with is back in touch although i'm getting the feeling that things with his dad are quite bad so i'm trying to be careful with that and not get into another situation like this but i have been asked out by another guy so Plum i think i'm going to go and start living my life just so i know that i don't have to be in limbo forever. Trouble is my ex did know about the date last week (but that got cancelled) and for all he knew it went ahead and that didn't seem to shake him out of this.

Him and his ex have always stayed friends because they were before but there was something a bit odd about her behaviour when i came on the scene and it never felt right. She ended up moving back to the UK a few months ago from Jersey so if they do get together then she'll be moving back or he'll be moving to the UK...the thing he can't do for me. I'm aware this is all crazy thoughts and paranoia but when you haven't got a clue of what is going on, you tend to come to your own crazy conclusions!

I just want to stop hurting and feeling low and i think i may be starting to recognise all the things he lacked. I'm still not anywhere near ok but i'm functioning and as much as it hurts how he has treated me and how it feel like he just doesn't care for me anymore, i want to be able to be happy so i'm having an optimistic day of trying to get through this. I'm still baffled by the idea we won't end up together but his behaviour at the moment is far from ok. I still think about him before i go to sleep and first thing in the morning but at the moment he doesn't deserve my pain.

Anyway how is everyone doing? I read the thing about your ex calling you 'baby' KayC...are the male species just bonkers?! Pollara have you heard anything else? How are things going with you Plum?

x

[Pollara]

It depends on the reason they broke up Helena. If it wasn't for distance related matters I don't think they will be back together. I am also friend with my ex boyfriend that we were a lot of years together and I can only see him as a friend and nothing more. In fact he gives my advice about my bf and I give him advice when he is with other girls. But I really want him to be happy and I am not jealous of him finding another girl. But, if I return back to my country, maybe his girlfriend thinks something similar to what you thinking. But that is not true at all. But of course each case is different

[kayc]

I'm friends with all of my exes except my first, he was a monster an I don't want him to know I'm alive and breathing. But I seem to collect exes, I guess because I always try to be amicable and can't see any reason to waste energy hating, after I'm over them anyway.

I think the key sentence here, Helena, was when you said: "i think i'm going to go and start living my life just so i know that i don't have to be in limbo forever." That is very healthy thinking! And yep, I think men must be delusional, they definitely seem to live in their own little worlds or constructs.

Pollara, even though I wouldn't go so far as to overlook their having sex with someone else (I'd call that cheating), it would hurt even more if they had a love relationship because for men, that is deeper...men are able to compartmentalize sex better than we are, but love, well that's deeper.

[Pollara]

Yeah this is what I meant. Well if he comes and explain me why he had sex I can forgive it if it makes sense to me. Of course it isn't something I advertise or suggest to others but I can understand the difference and being in an enviroment with men most of my life I arrived to this conclusion.

I also don't see the reason of not being friends with an ex, but most of them wanted us to continue as friends with benefits (except from my last one) and since I din't want something like that, I found it difficult to be friends with them. But if it wasn't for this, I don't see any other reason for not being friends with someone that you were together. At the end of the day it seems to me as a waste of years of my life.

[Helena_d9]

They broke up because of the baby they lost and because they just stopped being i love i think. If they get back together then good luck to her but it would be a little bit pathetic from my point of view. They've lived on the same island together for years until recently when she left and moved back to the UK so distance wasn't a factor.

They haven't been together for a couple of years so it's not really a worry, just paranoid thoughts due to me not knowing what the hell is going on with me and him. He hasn't been in touch again for a week now, such a selfish sod!

I'm not doing too bad to say it's been a month since we broke up but admittedly i still miss him and he is still all i think about so maybe not that good lol but i'm getting through each day without a break down so that's a plus!

Btw just to clarify with the What If thing i said..i meant more that i think things through. As in with this situation i'm in, i think about what happens if in a few months i he comes back or what if he doesn't and if i was in his situation i'd be thinking about the outcomes and what happens if in a few months you realise you've screwed up and lost something good etc. I make sure i'm clear on a decision and all outcomes before i let go of things.

x

[plum]

Hey guys,

I don't think I could be as understanding as u pollara! That would definitely be a deal breaker for me! Sometimes when I have my down days I think maybe if he did do something like that it would be easy to let go.. Cuz that would be unforgivable in my books..

[plum]

Hey Helena,

I think it's good that u don't rush in and make rash decisions cuz that's what I do and I've stuffed things up majorly because of that..

I felt like by me taking this approach this time around instead of rashly breaking up, (which I was totally prepared to do) that I was not making those mistakes again. But now I'm confused as to which one would have been better!!

I was thinking maybe he doesn't even have the energy to beak up with me even it he wanted to? Arghh this sucks!! But then again I know it's million times worse for them. But some days I get sick of feeling like a 'martyr' (gross over exaggeration I know!) and just wanna have a nice normal relation ship.

[kayc]

By not having it in him to break up with you do mean something like breaking up by Fed Ex? Haha...cuz that's what mine did. Ahh but there was my last XH that just went missing, I had to file a report with the police to find out what happened to him. Yep, there's all kinds of cowards, grieving or otherwise.

[Pollara]

Well I am thinking the same Plum but I don't think that he has decided (your boyfriend). Mine has totally decided.
Well breaking up by FedeX is a coaward way, but not telling it at all is more cowardish

[plum]

Yikes! I'm sorry to hear about how much of a cowards ur previous exes were kayc! Good riddance I say!! A guy like that has no integrity!!

Today was bit of a emotional roller coaster for me. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

[plum]

Helena, just wondering, how come you don't get in touch with him first again?

[Helena_d9]

Hello,

I honestly feel like i can't. If there's any hope of getting back together he has to realise how he has treated me and just acknowledge or deal with what has been going on. I feel like he has to come to understanding on his own. I've been so available to him throughout everything and as i should have been with what he had to deal with and if he has time to think then maybe he'll come to some understanding if he has the space to think.

I tried to open up the last time we spoke properly and said that i don't have the answers about the future but that if we love each other then isn't that a good starting point to take things slowly. 8 hours later he replied and all he could say was that it has given us both a lot to think about. He still hasn't acknowledged anything and it's now the 12th day of hearing nothing. He's being so cruel and treating me horribly and i can't cave and be a doormat to him. I let so many things go throughout the relationship and i'm unwilling to go running back. If he loves me, if we are supposed to be together he'll get in touch with me. It's the only way things can move forward right now successfully.

I just don't get why i still care. After how he's treated me, not being in touch, when he does he called me huni or agreed i was lovely and amazing too and then goes silent again. Why aren't i angry at how he's being or moving on yet. I'm still in limbo and i don't know if i need to go through all this so then i do end up hating him and so i can move on.

I have done nothing but be there for him and in all honestly he's hardly an adonis (to me he was but i loved/love him) so it's hard to understand what the hell he's doing. It still doesn't feel done and i hate that it doesn't.

I think i remember Plum you saying something about having no hope if my situation is 5 months on. My x didn't deal with what was happening (probably still isn't) which is why 5 months it all came to head. He's seems incapable of talking or with dealing stuff and was probably in denial so all the emotions people seem to go through after a loss, i think he buried and because of that i'm in the situation i'm in now. Your guy seems to be more open so don't worry...i don't think the situation and how bad it is now will continue forever.

x

[kayc]

You still care because you're still in love with him. The heart doesn't stop just because the brain says it's best. It takes time to adjust.

It feels like he is treating you terribly, but in reality, he's not trying to do something bad to you, he's just muddling through grief, unable to give or respond. He is as much a victim in this as you are. Sometimes their not doing anything is as bad as if they'd planned to and carried it out. It hurts because we know we deserve better.

[plum]

I know it's hard to believe that he cares about you when his actions are just so hurtful to you.. I know this sounds crazy, and I'm not encouraging you to stay in this weird limbo as it's making u really unhappy.. But as much as he is pushing u away, some part of him still needs u.. He just can't cope with his conflicting emotions of wanting to be alone but yet knowing someone is there for him..

Had D &M tonite with mine,, it seems that part of him hasn't forgiven me for not being there for him when his mum was sick.. He felt that I wasn't there for him when he needed me.. I still tried to be there for him as a friend but obviously the fact that our r/s broke down due to my incapability to stick it out meant that he doesn't trust me fully... Maybe part of him expects me to leave him again..

I guess i just wanted to say, u need to do what makes u happy, but there is a possibility that he may resent u for not having 'stuck it out' should u guy get chance to try it again. I guess that leaves u in even more of a hopeless and frustrating situation. But I believe that if u love someone enuf, u can learn to forgive and trust again. I mean ppl still manage to stay together even after affairs? so must be true somewhat

[kayc]

True, but affairs at least you know what you're dealing with and there's help available. With this, it's like they don't know why/what they're feeling and we're just stuck. I feel like I could pick right back up with Jim if he wanted except for the trust issue, but that's a pretty big issue.

what is D & M?

[plum]

oh sorry kayc, Deep and meaningful.

[Helena_d9]

Yesterday night i had an extremely low and weak moment. I just spend most of the day trying to get through work etc and then try and go to the gym at night which usually helps but for some reason it didn't last night and so i gave in and text him. I don't know whether what you asked Plum about why i wasn't getting in touch with him first made me think or whether it was just a low moment after 12 days of not hearing from him but i text him and just said:

Hello, how are you? x

And i haven't gotten a single thing in response.

Maybe my x isn't going through anything, maybe he just likes messing with life and giving me hope and taking it away. Maybe he really doesn't give a damn anymore and i'm a fool for still caring.

Last i checked you don't treat people you love like this no matter what the situation. What is it going to take for me to believe it's over and that we are done so i can move on. At the minute not a single part of me believes it's over (despite actions supposedly speaking louder than words) so i'm just stuck in limbo not moving anywhere and just feeling low.

Sorry to hear about what your guy said Plum about not knowing if he's forgiven you for last time. If you are able to have d&m chats still then i would say prove him wrong, sounds like you have hope at least.

x

[kayc]

Guys have a hard time breaking up with tenacious women, ask me, I'm one of them. I had a fiance break up with me 37 years ago, gave no reason to this day (he's tried to get me back since, I'm not interested). I had a husband disappear on me, I had to file a missing persons report to find out what became of him, he never gave an explanation. Then Jim broke up with me, didn't give an explanation other than it was his mom dying and he just snapped. (Wouldn't you think if that was the case you'd try to put things back together when you came to and the situation abated?) It makes me wonder if they all wanted gone and just didn't know how to say it. Gosh, and I don't think I'm hard to be around! But if you're pulling for the relationship and knocking yourself out trying to be understanding and supportive and they just disappear on ya, doesn't that say something? They want out! For whatever reason and they don't seem to want to level with us either.

[plum]

I'm sorry to hear about ur x ignoring you Helena..

If they don't even have the decency to reply then I do agree with kayc , it is cowardly thing to do. You don't treat someone u love like that. The least they can do is to reply and say 'sorry i find it even too hard to reply sometimes' or along those lines.

I was trying to give ur guy benefit of the doubt and putting him same box as my guy, but I'm starting to understand why u feel so angry at him..

I guess I asked why you don't get in touch with him as i assumed that he would reply if u texted him..

I guess it's bit different cuz my guy has not ignored my messages and always replies even if day late. we have actually been in touch daily this week. Kinda back to how it was, talking about random things and about what he is doing etc.

Oh thanks Helena for your encouraging words. Yes I hope to prove him wrong and that he can trust me. : )

I feel really disappointed at ur x thou.. I guess i was still kinda hoping u guys would be able to work it out some how.. But I'm starting to get angry at him for u Helena, it is just so rude how he is treating u!

My friend texted today asking for my guy's name for her wedding invite. When i read that msg I felt so sad and upset... I just didn't know what to say... as I haven't told her about what has been happening recently.. I texted my guy and told him I didn't know what to say. He said to just tell her his name and if I go and he doesn't go i can just say that he couldn't make it. He said it seems to be the best way to deal with it. I guess its good that he didnt say straight up, no sorry i won't be going? (he doesn't even know when it is and didn't ask actually) arghh who knows. I will see her on wknd so hopefully I don't get quizzed too much cuz i just don't have the energy to go into it.