enna Posted April 21, 2013 Report Share Posted April 21, 2013 It Doesn’t Make Sense Out of the blue and for no reason at all I had a meltdown over a cocoa mug I knocked off the counter that Jim drank from for years. There was a pair – both blue with snowmen on the outside and snowflakes on the inside. I would make hot cocoa at night when Jim could not sleep. It was a special time for us. I think Jim used to wake up on purpose just to have that mug of cocoa with me! I don’t know why it sent me into an emotional outburst. You would have thought that someone was hurting me the way I carried on – thank goodness it was warm enough to have the air on and the doors and windows were closed or there would have been just a few people ringing my doorbell! Benji did not know what happened! He kept following me around until I settled down and then he sat right by me for a very long time. My therapy!! I’m sure it wasn’t the mug that sent me into deep despair for a few hours. I know that it was part of my Jim. It tugged at my heart to the point that I wept like a kid having a tantrum. I did not even feel foolish. I just had to let the emotion move through my body. This is when grief really sucks. No one can understand it unless you are grieving for a loved one. Most would say ‘get over it, it was just a mug!’ I am still at the stage where I find it very hard to sort through things that were so Jim. There is a long sleeved white tee that he wore to the point of the neck and sleeves being frayed and I just can’t throw it out or use it as a cleaning rag! I tried to wear it around the house but we women have boobs and the tee was only a large in men’s – no room for the boobs! Today I can smile at my outburst of yesterday. We are so fragile. Is this sense of vulnerability going to be with me for the rest of my life? Will I always be right on the edge of falling apart over ‘things’? Perhaps I will not react so strongly over the next ‘treasure’ but then again maybe I will. It tugs at the heart and as long as our hearts are beating I guess we’ll be vulnerable! I know I’m not alone in this grief experience. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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