Some Things Just Don't Make Sense

[kayc]

Do you have a local Goodwill? It's nice for people to find a suit there to attend a wedding or funeral, esp. as you say, they do not wear them there...it must seem such a luxurious expenditure to be used so rarely!

[mfh]

When I get ready to go through them (who knows when) I will take them to Madison as the Agrace Hospice has a resale shop with nice things in it. That way I also will not bump into people here wearing anything I recognize and Hospice makes some money. WIN WIN but I am not ready yet.

[Conbon20]

It Doesn’t Make Sense

Out of the blue and for no reason at all I had a meltdown over a cocoa mug I knocked off the counter that Jim drank from for years. There was a pair – both blue with snowmen on the outside and snowflakes on the inside. I would make hot cocoa at night when Jim could not sleep. It was a special time for us. I think Jim used to wake up on purpose just to have that mug of cocoa with me! I don’t know why it sent me into an emotional outburst. You would have thought that someone was hurting me the way I carried on – thank goodness it was warm enough to have the air on and the doors and windows were closed or there would have been just a few people ringing my doorbell! Benji did not know what happened! He kept following me around until I settled down and then he sat right by me for a very long time. My therapy!!

I’m sure it wasn’t the mug that sent me into deep despair for a few hours. I know that it was part of my Jim. It tugged at my heart to the point that I wept like a kid having a tantrum. I did not even feel foolish. I just had to let the emotion move through my body. This is when grief really sucks. No one can understand it unless you are grieving for a loved one. Most would say ‘get over it, it was just a mug!’

I am still at the stage where I find it very hard to sort through things that were so Jim. There is a long sleeved white tee that he wore to the point of the neck and sleeves being frayed and I just can’t throw it out or use it as a cleaning rag! I tried to wear it around the house but we women have boobs and the tee was only a large in men’s – no room for the boobs!

Today I can smile at my outburst of yesterday. We are so fragile. Is this sense of vulnerability going to be with me for the rest of my life? Will I always be right on the edge of falling apart over ‘things’? Perhaps I will not react so strongly over the next ‘treasure’ but then again maybe I will. It tugs at the heart and as long as our hearts are beating I guess we’ll be vulnerable!

I know I’m not alone in this grief experience. Anne

Anne,

I am new to this grief support arena. I just lost my husband of 46 years in January. You are not alone. I wasn't even able to put my husband's coffee mug away in the cupboard for several months. It just sat on the kitchen counter where he left it. I tore through some things that he never ever wore and had the courage to donate them but I still have 2 jackets, a robe and a sweater that hang in my closet. I can't bear to get rid of them. I too feel sometimes like I am on the edge of falling apart. I pray alot and I hope that you will turn toward God during these hard times. I know he listens and cares.

[feralfae]

Dear Conbon,

Thank you so very much for being here with us.

I am so very sorry to learn of your loss of your dear husband of 46 years. My husband Doug left this life on 7 February 2012, and I am 15 months along on this journey, and still have things to sort, both his belongings, my grief, and the new balance coming into being in my life. Feeling on the edge falling apart seems to be a part of this journey for each of us.

Welcome to this very healing and compassionate place. I am so very happy you have found this gathering.

I think that prayer is what has carried many of us this far on the journey. Thank you.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Dear Conbon20,

Welcome to this wonderful forum. Most of us are all just a little 'crazy' but that is alright because it lightens the journey that we are on - I am so sorry that you lost your dear husband of 46 years. You are so raw to this grief journey but I am so glad that you found your way here.

I have found that there are going to be 'triggers' the rest of our lives. Whether it be the cocoa mug I broke or your husband's coffee mug it matters not - all are a part of our loved ones.

It is important that you keep whatever it is you want to keep of your husbands for as long as you want to - my Jim past on May 25th 2012 and I still have clothes in drawers and hanging in our closet. I will do whatever in my time.

We will always feel like we are falling apart, dear one. That is our grief.

I am so glad that you are here. I am, I think, a spiritual being and I have a deep faith and trust in my God. Prayers and meditation feed my soul.

Please post more about your dear husband if you wish. You will have many who will walk this journey with you - we do not do it alone.

Peace to you. Anne

[mfh]

Dear Conbon20,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. Welcome to this forum. You will find incredible support here from all of us who have lost our spouses/partners and from our moderator, Marty. You mentioned to Anne that you had clothing items of your husband's that you can't part with. It has been 3 years since I lost my Bill and I have not yet emptied his closet or workshop. I will do it when it feels right and so far it has not. I find it comforting to have his things here right where they were. Some people go through closets and drawers immediately, some never and some somewhere in between. I would think you would want to hold on to some items. Reminders of him.

As for falling apart...I know we have all felt that way early on. I certainly did as did most, if not all, of us here. It takes time to first of all just come out of the initial fog which I imagine you are just now doing or will soon. It is shocking to know that our spouses are no longer with us in the body. It gets better in time but not quickly for most. We learn how to carry our grief and it changes us forever. Losing the person who shared life with us is a huge loss. Our worlds are turned inside out and upside down and people do not understand that unless they have lost a special husband. That is why this group is so helpful. We all understand it and are not afraid of listening to pain and welcome your stories whenever you wish to share. We are here.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Conbon,

Welcome to this site, you will find you are not alone here, there are many others going through the same things. My husband's closet rod broke two weeks after he died, so I folded & donated his clothes, but I kept his robe, some sweaters, a vest, his fishing vest & fishing hat, favorite worn out shirt, I have no intention of ever getting rid of them. It's nearly eight years later and some things are just as he left them.

This changes every aspect of our world.

I hope you feel comfortable sharing your story when you are ready.

Kay