Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

[Helena_d9]

I think you are so right Plum...thank god for the space. Knowing they were only a few miles away or the chance of bumping into them would be horrible. How tempting would it be to give in to the impulses of trying to fix everything if they lived so close.

x

[kayc]

The "no contact" is MOSTLY for us! We have to do what is best for us! One of the things it does is preserves our love for them...continual contact with no reciprocation drains our love bank.

I agree with you, it's not about another girl or being unhappy with you, it's about his grief and not being able to handle anything besides that at this time. This isn't just a guy thing though, there are guys who've been dumped by their fiances when they were grieving too. But I agree, men aren't multitaskers and even more, they sometimes don't know how to handle this much emotion.

[Pollara]

yes but usually the cases are guys that "left" girls and not the opposite, but of course there are exceptions. For example, a lot of people tell me that I usually think as a guy, so yes there isn't a general rule. But the canon is that women are multitaskers while men one-tasker

As for the countries for me unfrtunatelly it isn't like that yet. I came to another country to work until November. So for one year and some months. And as I already stated I met my boyfriend a while before I left my country. So all these time I only thought of this country as a temporary basis and never thought of staying here or doing dreams of staying here. I didn't even tried to get new friends (although I knew some back from my country) since in my mind the plan was to get back in my country as soon as my job ends. But now I feel like I need to invest more on this country. It is actually the same whether to return or not to my country and the only reason for returning was that guy (since a lot of my friends are not now in my country). So I hope to spend summer by making new plans and the possibilities and advantages that this country can offer me and do what is best for myself

[kayc]

There may be more women than men that do this, but if you go back through this section, you'll see the threads started by men are there too, I don't think they're the exception, just maybe not as many of them.

Yes it's more complicated when "other countries" are involved. But for myself, I would go back home when done there and continue with my life...if he has a change of heart, he knows how to reach you and other plans can be made then. I just wouldn't sit on hold waiting and wondering what to do indefinitely.

[Pollara]

My bf contacted me yesterday through facebook chat. Not a real dialog, more or less like how are you and stuff like that and then I am now back again to square one of wondering. These days without contact I had came to the conclusion that he had made a decision of ending up our relationship and just put me in distance in order to understand it. But even if this dialogue was cold, he wasn't forced to initiate it. I wouldn't. So I wonder why he still keeps a little contact with me.

But what I really fail to understand is why he became so distant after his trip here. OK he was kind of distant before he came but he was more heartfelt. The moment he returned to our country, his first text was on this friendly-cold level. And to think that we almost didn't talk about our relationship and stuff. I think that I was clear the last time we spoke over the phone that if he cannot wait for me to return until November and he wants to end it I totally understand him and I won't push things, but at the same time I told him that he is distant after the trip or maybe I am overthinking things and he told me don't overthink it. Do you have any explanation about his actions? Of course not "logically" but on the "grievly" level.

[kayc]

He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants at this point, which isn't unusual.

[Pollara]

Yeah! I would find it very childish if he already have decided of ending it once and for all and doesn't have the guts to tell me. But of course, it might be selfish, but this is how his situation is.

[plum]

Yeah I think in these cases the griever doesn't know what they want. They probably go from oh I miss her to oh no I can't cope with being in relationship currently. Maybe similar to what we're going thru, going from oh I will leave him, then next minute no I will give him more time (lol talking about myself)

Which is why they get in touch after going MIA and then confuses us even more!!

I think ur bf is right pollara. Don't overthink it. Just go with the flow. If he initiates contact and u feel like talking to him then do so but if u feel like its gona maybe hurt u more then don't.

[kayc]

Great advice! That's what I did, basically. Mixed messages...no can do. Maybe they can't help it but I can't deal with that indefinitely either. We're at a good place now, just "friends" and I use the term loosely, I don't count on him for anything, I just enjoy his company when he's there.

[Pollara]

Well the problem is that all these days I was on a job leave and maybe I devoted all my energy to it. I believe that when I return to my job it would be better for me, since I will have other things to handle too and then it might be easier for me to go with the flow. And yes it is the same with me. I sometimes am positive and say: no when I will return to my country he will feel better. He will see how patient I was and that I am the one that he should be with. And next day I am: to hell, nothing is going to happen. He won't return to me. Just leave it. lol. we are all on the same boat at the end of the day. haha

[Helena_d9]

Maybe they are like that but i'm not so sure with mine. He is flip flopping too but it's alos like he gets his fill, makes sure i'm still there and then disappears for a few days of no contact and then come back with the most pointless text and no explanation.

Maybe mine does flip flop but flip flops from being a d**k to being even more of a d***

x

[Pollara]

Well they usually don't give any explanation. Like this is natural or something.

In my case after his last chit chat I went to no contact. Blocked him from every online connection that I have with him. If he wants he can still find me at my home phone. Of course he didn't bother to do it and I doubt that he will. But I think this is the best for me. I want to move forward. At the end of the day if it is to return he will. But I find it so strange that he doesn't think of me or think of me and does nothing. He knows that I am not the person that i will try to start a whole converstation, so he could have say a hi.
but well, before that, before he came here, I had fell and I was thinking of going to the hospital and he didn't bother to contact me for 5 days. I mean I could have been at the hospital. If this isn't selfish then what?

[plum]

Oh wow pollara ur so strong to not have any contact wth him!

I'm having a very hard time with that! It's just really hard trying to restrain myself from telling him something that pops up during the day like I used to. I was sticking to no contact unless

Initiated by him for a while but I have slipped last week or so. I figured it was silly to try and hold things in when I can just text to tell him as its not like he told me not to contact him. I guess it's a case of me being selfish and doing something that I wanna do. He still replies and things so that's why I keep doing it I guess?

And maybe part of me is scared that if I was to just leave contact upto him that I'll never hear from him again.

Anyway I refrained from contacting him today as it would've made it daily contact for last few days and wanted to give him some space. He's for friends visiting on wknd so might leave him to it but I think I will send him an e card for mothers day coming up letting him know that I'm thinking of him.

Just curious, do u guys think that I shouldn't be contacting him like pollara and Helena? now that I'm over feeling mad and hurt about being locked out hard to figure out what I should be doing now?

[Pollara]

no Plum since he answers to you I don't see the reason of no contacting him. I agree with you. I mean I also has this fear that if you don't contact someone you might not hear from him again.

But in my case I just did it. My selfish self came in the surface and not only that. I believe that I am a burden to him, so if he wants he knows where to find me

[Helena_d9]

I think your situation is so different, especially to mine Plum. He's tried to explain what is going on with him and you've both been able to have an honest and open situation. Plus you've been through so much and have so much history , and you said yourself he is the most unselfish guy ever, so even though only you really know what is the right thing to do, i don't see any harm in contacting him.

I only say this because you have said what a nice guy he is but be careful not be too pushy with it, you sound like you are keeping it light and that you are aware of not going overboard by leaving it a day or two before texting again, but i've read a few times about things being taken the wrong way and feeling pressured.

I'm still of the opinion that my ex is a bit of a d*** at the minute which is why i'm not contacting him. I gave so much throughout the whole relationship, he had me entirely and now he's acting like this so it's for more own protection...and because i'm stubborn

x

[Helena_d9]

honest and open chat about the situation*

[kayc]

Helena, I agree with your take about Plum's situation...maybe even about your own. You're the only one who knows your own situation fully. I think we DO need to protect ourselves and if we listen to our inner self we'll know if we need to cut it off or what. We shouldn't be "patiently waiting" because we'll grow weary and resentful of them for that, we can't do all the giving yet they aren't in a place to give right now...is it possible then to go on with your life and let it go and see what happens? Not "wait" for them but not throwing them overboard either? If enough times passes, we get over them and move on, and if then they wake up and come to, they'll find us gone. But if they come to their senses soon enough perhaps all can be salvaged. No contact does protect the love we have left for them. The hardest place to be is strung along and living in limbo.

[Pollara]

Well although my inner self tells me that we will be someday again together, I dont think that this is based on the signs that I see, rather on my logic and what I would like to happen. But I cannot wait because my instinct just tells so. I can still accept him if he returns, but I find it funny to wait and in the end having lost years of my life.

By no waiting I don't mean that I will date others or something because I don't usually dating and I am very picky on choosing boyfriends. But I won't contact him and do my best to have a nice summer here

[plum]

Thanks for ur advices guys!

Feeling little unsure and low today.. Talking to a friend last nite she brought up interesting point of maybe he has been subtly trying to break up with me and I'm not taking the hint? I mean he did say that he's not sure if he wants to be with me...

So conflicting... He will tell me he still Ioves me if I say it first... But not voluntarily.. Maybe I'm being a complete tool by staying around when secretly he is just waiting for me to leave?!

I feel like my negative evil side is coming out to play today...

I saw pic on FB and he had shaved his beard but he didn't tell me..

I dunno why but I feel like its kinda a big deal (as he knew that I was ambivalent about the beard) and he didn't even tell me.. I guess cuz I'm used to him telling little things about his day etc but now he doesn't even tell me when his changed his appearance?

I know I'm being little silly but kinda getting tired of trying to 'extract' information. They should just wanna share things..

I didn't message him back last time cuz he was at airport picking up friends. Figured he would be busy with them. Not sure if I feel like sending him an e card for tomorrow.. Might just sulk in the corner. Lol

I totally understand what u guys mean about having no contact is preserving the love u have left for them

Totally feeling conflicted now... Feel like not getting in touch with him like ever versus still trying to remember that he is grieving and sending a card for mothers day cuz I know he's gona find it really tough.. Might have to sleep on that one.

[kayc]

It is tough. It's understandable that you'd have conflicting feelings.

[Pollara]

It is the same for me Plum. I also got the feeling that he wants to break up and I don't get the hint so that is why I cut out contact. If he wants he knows where to find me.

On the other hand I am thinking that if he was a friend of mine I wouldn't cut contact with him even if he wanted to. So wouldn't it be good to have contact? Like a friend. But I guess in his mind he cannot yet see me as a friend

[plum]

Arghh so I caved, and sent him msg to say that I missed and loved him. I was buying flowers and card for mother's day and it made me really sad knowing that he could never do the same for mothers or father's day. and I felt so so sad for him. : (

[plum]

Hello, a quick update,

He texted back saying me too, and then on sunday he texted thanking me for the card. I texted back saying how was the wknd but didn't hear from him. I was bit sad as I was hoping to have phone conversation like last week. anyway, resolved not to contact him first, but caved AGAIN! and texted him saying 'so u dont wanna tell me about ur wknd?' today and he actually replied saying he didn't get the last message coming up so thought that I was ignoring him! and figured I was busy.

anyway we messaged for a while, i didn't ask too many emotional questions but just said general statesments like 'things r rough for u huh? , lot harder than u imagined it would be' and how i feel very lost and confused about our situation and he says that's how he feels currently about everything. and that he is finding it hard to care about anything much. including me.

He says he just wants me to be truly happy and i said that he makes me like that. I get the feeling that he is so unsure about everything that he seems unsure about his ability to make me happy. I read one of the books (did lots of reading on relationships on wknd!) that guys break up with girls when they feel like they can't make her happy as they see it as a failure on their part. like part of the guy's perception of their role is to make the girl happy. And if they feel like they can't do that then they will ususally end the r/s.

Do u think maybe this is what happens a lot of times esp in cases like us? They're so unhappy and sad that they just can't imagine trying to make anyone else happy?

[Pollara]

well it is good that you had contact but I don't think so that is what happens. I think they only thinking about themselves at that time. OK They might have some thought of that kind but I doubt they care. Yeah I know it sounds harsh, but I think they cannot focus on anything else rather than their grief. I doubt that normal relationship "rules" apply to them at that time

[kayc]

I think there's some truth to it, it's only natural they don't like being the cause of someone else's unhappiness and since they can't focus on you, only themselves at the time, that could be a factor in their breaking up. That's another reason not to discuss relationship stuff when they're grieving...it could be the cause of escalating them to break up rather than "weather the storm". Any demands put on them during this fragile time can be the straw that broke the camel's back.