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Should I Stay Or Should I Go?


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Yes otherwise I believe they couldn't keep the friendship at all. Of course there are cases that they couldn't be with the girl even as friends so yes in that case it might was related to that. But I guess if he had made a connection with me and his grief he would have just stopped talking to me at all. For me there is no friendship between two people that broke up for no apparent reason but grief. I don't believe that Jim sees you only as a friend. But he seems like he is not the guy that he will come and declare his feelings.

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I think he is afraid but I don't know why. I feel if I saw him it would be so easy to hold each other, but he holds back, I don't know why.

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I believe that he is afraid that you will reject him. Yes I know you have shown your signs that you care about him etc but it is different from his point of view. I mean now he can see that it was very cruel the way he told you to break up and all the mixed messages. But I cannot believe that he sees you only in a friendly way. And you don't see him only in that way since you admit that if it wasn't for the trust matter you would have said yes.

For me in order to be friends, no things like doubts and romance should included. I.e, I am friend with my ex but I really cannot think of us getting back together and I cannot seen him in any romantic way. Even if the matters that lead to our breaking up were solved. I really can see him as a childhood friend of mine, like I see all my other male friends

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Well it's true that roman does change things but that doesn't mean I want any of my exes back for this reason or that.

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Guys I was wondering, should I block my guy from my chat? I had told you that our contact is heavily based on chat these days. But I am wondering, could the fact that he sees me online add pressure to him? Like I am there and waiting or something? But when I had blocked him he asked me why I wasn't on chat these days (yeah are you kidding me, like if I was you were going to talk to me?). I really don't want to add pressure to him or anything but I cannot disappear from chat because I use it also to communicate with some customers. So the only way not to see me online is to block him. As I have told you I never initiate contact with him, but could he think that I am online and waiting to talk to him?

Oh and something else. The last time that I spoke with him i asked him how he is doing and he told me not really well. And I told him be patient, you cannot do anything else but these things are like that so just be patient. And then since he had already asked me how am I doing I changed the subject. Do you think I should have asked more? Maybe he thought that I don't care about his problem or something? It is that he usually don't tell me anything and whenever I had asked him how was his mood never answered so I thought that I shouldn't focus on it. But do you think that he might thought that I don't care or something?

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Anything is possible, it's so hard to surmise what's going through their heads. Perhaps if you communicated to him that you use chat with customers so you have to have it open, but you're afraid he'll see you there and feel pressure to communicate with you, so you're going to block him to relieve that pressure...I mean, after all, he knows how to reach you if he truly wants to, it's only that one avenue of communication, but that way he shouldn't take offense and take it as rejection or think you aren't interested. Reassure him that you are interested in him but you only want what he is comfortable with. ?

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So I have just finished reading this thread and my question is... why do you want to block him? It seems liek he is trying to keep the doors of communication open but you keep blocking him. Is it possible that you are expecting too much too fast? Sorry if I have this wrong but its just the impression I get.

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Hi pollara I agree with DML. I think if ur guy didn't wanna talk to u he would not message u even if he sees u online. I think us girls tend to over analyze things. My guy said to me that he wouldn't message or talk to me if he didn't want to. I guess DML can give us a 'guys' perspective (hello DML, welcome and sorry to hear about ur situation. :(

He obviously doesn't wanna cut u out of his life completely. So I think it's silly to cut off his means of communication to u. ESP if he has said that he is not doing very well. In regards to asking him more, I think maybe ask if there is anything that he would like to talk about and that gives him the opportunity to open up if he chooses to without u prodding?

Being a guy I doubt that he wants to talk about it thou..

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No DML it is not that I want to block him in order not to talk to him or something. In fact it is the opposite. I don't want to think me as a burden or something. Like I am all time in chat because I am waiting for him. Due to the nature of my job I should be in chat a lot of times during the day and sometimes even at night (depends on the shift) he knows that. But I was wondering maybe he things that I do that because I am there waiting for him to talk to me. On the other hand is like you Plum says, it's not me that I initiate the contact but you never know. Maybe if he doesn't see me online he won't contact me at all but since he sees me online, although I won't talk to him, he might think: "Oh now I have to do the obligation of the week" or something. I don't know. Yes maybe I overanalyze things.

And DML no I don't expect too much things too fast. In fact I have said that I will be waiting until November that I will return to our country and then I will see how things are going and I will see what I will do.

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If he knows that u use chat for ur work then he won't think ur just on it waiting for him.

I definitely think ur reading into it way too much and I don't think u need to worry about it. No need to explain to him that ur not online waiting for him, I think he might actually think its weird if u did.

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Yeah it is true that I over analyze things. And it is true that the time I have blocked him he asked me how come I wasn't online these days. But at least I was on a leave those days so I could justified it. So yes, it is true that he can just block me if he doesn't want to see me online. It seems that I am over pessimistic over this matter that's why probably

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I do too, Pollara, so I understand that. I think they may be right, if you leave initiating contact up to him, how can he regard it as pressure?

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Well it is official. My guy broke up with me. One more added to the list.

He called me and he told me that his behavior was awful with me all this time after the incident and that he thank me about the stance that I kept towards him, but he feels an apathy over everything and he doesn't want to keep me waiting so it is better if we break up and I told him that his behavior was expected since he is been through a lot. Of course I don't like his decision and I think it would have been better if he would wait in order to take it with a clear mind, but I cannot do anything else since he decided it. But he can talk to me if he wants and if he feels better at some point and want us to be together and I am still around he can talk to me and we will see it.

he told me that if I were there maybe I would have seen his worst character so it was better that I wasn't there but now he is stressed over a lot of things and that he needs first to heal himself.

I don't know if I could say something more like how hurt I am and thing like that, but firstly it's not on my character and secondly I think I would have make things worse for the future. I mean even if he thinks someday of returning, if he knew how he hurt me, I doubt he would have done it.

Well it was kind of expected and as I heard him, I don't think there is any chance of us getting back together but that's life. I mean OK he wasn't rude or anything but when I told him that we might be together someday he didn't answer nothing at all. Of course it is difficult to do something like that since he cannot think like that

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oh no, I'm so sorry to hear Pollara. : (

I hope you're doing ok.. I was really hoping that things would work out for u...

It's just terrible. I'm really really sorry to hear... Big hugs to you... I guess you never know what life will throw your way...

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Well you know although you are waiting for it you still have hopes. And I was hoping for him to wait to be there but he didn't. But the thing here is that unlike most cases, he thought over it and he didn't break up with me in the spur of the moment so I guess there is no chance of us getting back together. Maybe from now on I should start ask people that I am gonna date if their parents are alive or something!

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Hey pollara, I guess in life u gotta expect the unexpected. and it sounds like he broke up with you because he felt bad about how he was treating u, ,yet he couldn't help what he was doing. and didn't have it in him to continue a relationship. Who knows, maybe when everything has settled down, he may think of u again. But u can't put ur life on hold for the small 'what if' i guess.

It saddens me that he has come to that decision. : ( I feel like i'm the last one left standing, and i don't like my chances at all now. Maybe u can't fight the inevitable.

I think the way you handled the whole situation was amazing. and if he can't see that then u deserve someone better.

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Oh Pollara, I am so sorry to hear that. I was hoping in the end you guys would make it. At least you know you did everything right. I would proceed now as if broken up forever so you can begin your healing and not put your life on hold. IF anything should change, you can always go from there but I wouldn't hope for it because that can delay your recovery. God I know this all too well. If it's any consolation, it really isn't you, it's what HE is going through. This is exactly what I experienced with Jim, although he was more cowardly about his delivery. Someone said once that my situation was different because his mom hadn't actually died yet, but that's not true because he was going through anticipatory grief AND being her caretaker 24/7, which is all consuming, he was extremely sleep-deprived and no hope in sight, so I understand and respect his situation, I just wish he could have put me on hold instead of breaking off with me, and I wish he'd had the balls to have me come over and talk to him, or at least done it over the phone instead of Fed Ex.

Pollara, I hope you will stay in touch and let us know how it's going. Feel free to vent here, let out your feelings, etc. The next few months could be rough for you, I know everyone is different, but for me, I cried and cried and it was very hard. Try to stay busy, schedule time with family/friends, take up a hobby, new class, work out, anything to occupy your time, it all helps.

I feel the same as Plum's parting words. "I think the way you handled the whole situation was amazing. and if he can't see that then u deserve someone better."

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Well he thanked me about the stance that I kept so he probably recognized that other girl wouldn't have done better.

What strikes me though is that he told me: OK I don't have energy but this doesn't justifies the fact that I was awful towards you. So I wonder could this mean something like, If I wanted you more, I wouldn't do that?

I dont know. He also told me that he has a lot of things to pressure him, so he needs first to take care of everything before starting a relationship.

In any case I hope it will really works for you Plum. It is a different situation because you have formed a bond so I hope everything will be ok.

As for me, the fact that I was waiting for so long at least made it easier. I would prefer for him to wait but in the end it might even be worse for me. Maybe I would have thought that, oh I was waiting for so many months and now you are breaking up with me?

Well I will focus on my hobbies now and I will see. The bad thing is that my friends from this country left for holidays and they will return in about a month, so it would be kind of difficult for me. But I know how things are going.

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And ladies I won't disappear. I will be around. You helped me so much all this time. My friends had bored of listening to me and even today when I announced them the news they were like: OK it was expected he didn't care for you anymore. Now let's talk about something else. And they started tell me about things that I won't have any problem talking with them, but I have a problem that I find it more serious let's say than the haircut someone needs to made. OK I know that all of them were very patient of listening to me saying the same all over again but I thought this is friendship for.

It saddens me that he has come to that decision. : ( I feel like i'm the last one left standing, and i don't like my chances at all now. Maybe u can't fight the inevitable.

Well one of my psychologists friends told me that he came to that decision because until now he hadn't put any thought onto it. But when he started to think about it he saw that he wasn't right towards me but he hasn't got it on him right now to try and change his attitude. So he doesn't see any reason on delaying it, because when I return he might be better but he might not. So he cannot leave me wait until then, and then 7 months after to tell me that it is over, because on the one hand he simply doesn't know when his grief will be over and on the other it would be really unfair towards me. At least that is how she explained it to me.

On and another thing that I recall, when I told him: well it was expected he told me: no it wasn't. All these days that we weren't talking I hadn't come to any decision and I wasn't sure of ending it, but I cannot hold you and tell you to wait.

But yeah he also told me that it is unfair to have me waiting because, although he knows that his depression won't stay forever, he doesn't know how long it will last. He told me that he will end up with all the pressuring things and then when he heals himself he will start thinking over it. (at this point I didn't understand if he will think our relationship or relationships in general).

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Well its one thing to think that a relationship is over but when the other person verbalizes that its over it can still be quite devastating. Personally I think he feels its unfair to keep you hanging around while he gets his s*** together ( pardon the language ). But I have a feeling that once you return he will try to make contact.

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Well to be honest DLM if I were in his shoes I would probably have done the same. Even if I cared deep for the other, since I wouldn't know how much this is going to take and since I couldn't handle the situation and change it I would have set the other free. Of course I wouldn't treat the other this way to begin with. But supposed that I did, then I would have probably done the same because I would also think of it as unfair for the other to wait. What I told him is that I don't have any problem on waiting but I cannot change his decision and I respect it. He can contact me if he feels like to talk as a friends and then maybe one day we can discuss over it again.

Well it might not be the end who knows, but as already mentioned by the other women, I cannot base my future on it.

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Well for me sometimes the ending comes as a relief than the waiting. I was so sad the last 3,5 months and today is just another intense day. I cried so much when I thought that he had already broke up with me that I don't have more tears to shed. At least now I am not wondering things like: could it be today the day that he will make contact with me? Now I know it won't be, not today not any other day. It is sad to think it but at the same time it is relieving. My friends always called me wonder woman on how I can easily move on break ups. This break up for me is strange because it is like a story that stayed in the middle. It didn't even start

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Wow pollara ur way of thinking is great. Yes I agree it is hard to keep a relationship going when someone is going thru something like that. I think its good that u told him to contact u if he still wants to stay as friends. U don't sound bitter or anything like that.

I hope u will feel better about the whole thing soon. I guess in a way yes it is a relief to have an ending.... Instead of wondering everyday .

Stay strong and please keep us posted about how ur doing

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