Does Death Change Everyone?

[LisaAnnB]

This Friday will mark 5 months since Dad's death. Seems so long & so short at the same time. I've noticed that I fee like I've changed, emotionally, since that day & not necessarily in a good way. I'm more serious, more cynical.We don't entertain as much as we used to-I tell myself that all our friends are really busy too I've lost my spirit, my spunk-the spunk has turned more into bitchiness sometimes. I've lost my light & my creativity-my craft & art supplies are dusty. I don't put up with the junk I used to. Yet, I'm softer-I cry more easily at sweet or simple things. Yes, I'm on a very low dose of an anti depressant because my dr. insists that I'm NOT depressed but still grieving. I can no longer talk about Dad to my friends as most have told me to "get over it. Move on. He's dead what more do you want him to do?" [yes the person I thought was one of my best pals told me this after he promised me that he & his wife would help out whenever they could-nice huh?]. I do exercise & eat right, only have an occasional glass of wine or margarita. BUT I so miss my Dad!!

Is this normal-people changing like this? When will I get my spark back?

Along with Dad's death I've been dealing with Mom coming back North after spending the winter with my sisters in Texas & her dementia really progressing to the point where we are discussing options for her to move to an assisted living facility. Also dealing with a co-worker [i work in a 2 person non-profit organization] whom I barely tolerate because of her many many professional & personal issues so I"m quietly looking for a new job. Also: my only chld/daughter, who's 20, announced she's getting married next summer.

Most nights I just want to crawl into a cave & hide.

[kayc]

Yes, this is normal, and I believe you will get your spark back. This is just such a jolt, it takes a while. I'm dealing with a mom with Dementia too, it was too far gone so they couldn't admit her to assisted living, the doctor said she needed full lock down unit, so we have her in a Dementia Care facility, it's been such a relief to have her somewhere safe and not have to worry and sweat while we go to work or sleep!

My son got married last summer, same time as we were getting my mom into care. Believe me, you get rather good at rolling with everything that comes your way. I pray you find just the right job for you!

[mbkubitz]

Dear LisaAnnB,

Everything you are describing are very common responses to grief. At 5 months, you are still in a very raw stage of grief. I lost my daughter coming up on four years ago, and it is still a major part of my life. Grief is physically and mentally exhausting. It changes our focus in life and changes how you relate to others. Unfortunately, we live in a society that doesn't want to acknowledge or deal with grief because of the pain associated with it. People would rather ignore the pain than deal with it. But as we know all too well, ignoring the pain doesn't make it go away - and often, ignoring or distracting ourselves from the pain only makes it worse.

It may be helpful to read an article by Rich Elder at http://www.memory-of.com/Forums/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=117737. It is written from the point of view of losing a child rather than a parent, but I think a lot of the same ideas apply.

Be patient with yourself, and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Maria

[New Start]

My Dad passed away on 4/11/13. He medically died then at 2:40pm at the Hospice. He actually died the previous Sunday Morning while in bed with my mom. He had a major brain annerism and never regained conscienceness. Even after we took him off of the machines the following day, he kept breathing for 3 more days. More than once I thought I have been losing my mind. I am so stressed out over his dying, the insecurity at work and my being alone so often here in Phoenix that I have lost 35 pounds within the past few months. Plus the copd and chairi Malformation is getting out of control again. Thankfully I have Hospice to call and the book they sent has helped. Hoping the pain will go away soon. I have never seen someone die before or gone to a sober funeral. This has been a huge challenge to my sobriety.

[kayc]

New Start, I'm sorry it's been so hard for you...yes, I think death does change people. I didn't have so hard a time when my dad died, I had my husband so we went through it together, and I was pregnant so I had the impending birth of my child to look forward to, but it was bittersweet because it was hard knowing they'd never know their grandpa. But I don't think it changed me. But when I lost my husband, it definitely changed me, forever. I think it depends on the relationship, how much they were in your life, etc. I loved my dad and will always miss him, but we lived in different towns and he wasn't in my everyday life, so I think that makes a difference.

[New Start]

Thankfully I at least have my wife to help me thru the process. She was in the room with me when dad passed. Also started going back to recovery meetings with hope to get some type of support there. Sure been a long strange two months. Still on Emotional roller coaster and hoping some day soon it will end. Cannot figure out why it has hit so hard since we weren't that close growing up. I must have cared more than I thought. Not looking forward to Father's Day. At moment, I cannot even look at the cards. When one is dealing with strange emotions and the physical body is falling apart, it can make them feel a lot older.

[kayc]

NS:

There is something about the finality of death that hits you...I am glad you had your wife with you. I read my cards (when my husband died) as they came but re-read them two years later and some of them I didn't even remember getting! It's common for your brain to be all foggy in the early stages of grief.

[Senex]

I lost my wife a year and a half ago. I'm aware of the changes in my attitude, some good but the others I'm fighting against. Fortunately I have no bad memories, of our marriage. So a fund of the good times together are here to relive.

[kayc]

Senex,

I'm sorry you lost your wife, even after 1 1/2 years, it's still hard. It's neat to hear you have no bad memories, and I'm glad you get to relive all of the good times.