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Put Some Of My Mom's Remains With Her Family (Not Easy)

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I have not posted here in awhile, but that does not mean I am "healed." Far from it.

My Mom has been gone for almost 3 years. This past week, I put half of her remains with her parents and grandparents and my cousin. My uncle was also put there by some of his children. I was the only one of my Mom's kids who was able to be there. Even though, it was 3 years, I was not ready for it and it all felt hurried. My cousins wanted to do it at the same time as us, in order to not have to have the tomb opened more than once; as it is kind of expensive to do so.

My sister had my Mom's ashes all this time, then my brother gave them to one of my cousins to pass on to me at the tomb. I did not mind doing it, but had told everyone that I know my Mom wanted to be spread in Spain and possibly some other places her and my Dad loved to travel. So they recommended I keep one of the two boxes of ashes and put one of them in the tomb, which I did.

Looking in that tomb was really rough. I did not know what happened to my Grandmother's coffin and the bottom half was sealed. This is an above the ground tomb. There was a shelf where I put my Mom's and they put my uncle. After this was done, I was seriously regretting that I had not taken a photo of both boxes of my Mom's ashes together. I still have the other one and both cardboard boxes and the velvet bag, but I still wish I would have documented this. I thought about taking it out and photographing it with the other one, but I did not want my cousins to think I was weird. And after they left, I thought about doing it, but did not want the grave worker who may have been around to think I was doing something weird like taking out whatever we put in without the rest of the family knowing. I went back later, but the tomb was already closed. I was devastated and remain so. I plan on scattering her ashes in lots of places she loved and at a later time.

I know this sounds silly, but I really feel regretful. Maybe I just cannot let go and am doing ANYTHING (like taking a picture of boxes of ashes with her name on them; even though I have an identical one) try to hold on to her? When I was holding the box, I was hugging it with love. I just cannot let go. I feel like I am back at the beginning again.

I am sorry for ranting. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice on how to deal with this.

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I think it's important to listen to that voice inside when it comes to grief. Is there any way you could have it reopened to get your pictures? I mean, if it's big enough to bug you, it's big enough to do something about it. You shouldn't have to live with regrets and shouldn't feel pressured to do things a certain way. I'm sorry you're experiencing these feelings, it's hard enough!

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