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What Have You Done For Yourself This Week, This Month, This...........


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Since I have now passed the two year mark, I have come to realize as I listen to what others say and feel, that I relate so much to what grief feels like in the beginning. Maybe it will do some good to have this thread up because for those who are new to grief, you are most likely not thinking much about yourselves. You may even like me wish you could die. I was talking to a friend of Kathy's who actually was my friend from years ago but they became close and had a lot of good times together. Her name is Ginger and she told me when I was at my lowest, "If you want to die, you will. Your body will develope a disease and your wishes will come true" That was the day I stopped wanting to die and thought about how I could survive grief and keep on living. The one thing I didn't think about was taking care of myself. It wasn't just my son's or my grandchildren that made me want to live. It was what I knew Kathy would be saying to me. As a pilot, I was taught and always think about this basic truth. Always fly the airplane first. Then deal with the problem at hand. Doing something for yourself once in a while helps. I think they would be happy we did.

This week I rented a violin. I have never played one but I want to. I am taking lessons and it is totally new to me. This I did just for me. I felt good inside just driving home.

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I am so happy for you! I can imagine how it must feel to bring that violin home and begin to draw the string...

You are right, sometimes we need to do things just for us, we are all learning that. We must pamper ourselves, now that there is no one else that will! :)

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Great advice, Steven. I have never thought of dying nor have I ever wanted to die. Sometimes health issues creep into our lives and we really have no control over them. My Jim was a fighter pilot during WW11 flying the B 17s and he flew after the war also. I can remember him saying something similiar to what you said about always fly the plane first and then take care of the problem - it must be a pilot thing.

I am too new in my grief ( I'll be only one year at the end of May) but I do know how very important it is to take care of ourselves.

I smiled when you said you are starting to play the violin. I played in the orchestra in school and was not very good. However, I did decide to do just what you are doing and I bought a keyboard piano and am learning how to play - it's a discipline. I receive calls from my six year old granddaughter and she wants to hear what I am working on this week!! Pressure! We even did a duet playing 'Aura Lee.' Her comment was, grandma, that was good. Good luck with the violin - it's all in the wrist with the bow. Anne

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Good for you, Steven. I think many of us here just wanted to die which translated (to me) means we just did not want to feel the pain we felt. It is so important for us to take care of flying the airplane first and I am still working on that one. I did start watercolor lessons and hope to increase the time I spend on that. I did it just for me just as you got the violin just for you. Good luck with it...go for it. Mary

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Very timely post for me. I was in the greenhouse today with my wise friend Sandra, who has been helping me tidy our garden. And I said I was doing all this gardening work for Pete. And I could see she wanted to say something. So I encouraged her to be frank. And she said "Jan, I think you should try to do something just for you". I said I wasn't ready for that but agreed to do things for Pete and myself, and then try to progress into doing something just for me. I used to have plenty of hobbies etc that I did on my own, and then talked about to Pete. And I am trying to continue them. But gardening was such a shared thing it's particularly hard to do just for me. But I know what you all mean.

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Ah, Jan, you have such a wise and gentle friend...she tip toed into that space and you, in your wisdom, opened the door. Good idea to do it for both of you first...nice move. Mary

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I think gardening is a great start and sometimes we DID do things for ourselves by doing something for them, you know what I mean? I loved cooking for George...it's not the same for just me but I still cook for myself, sometimes even something special.

BTW, I made the dog treats with pumpkin and rice flour and it turned out great, Arlie loves them! I need to make another batch Friday to take to Skye and Mozzy. I had the recipe on FB,I think I put it on the furry friends thread too.

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I need to look those up.

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Kay, I can't find the recipe. I found the picture of bone shaped treats but did not see the recipe. Keep in mind that my brain is not working well right now so I may have looked right at it and not seen it :) Would you post it again? Thanks, no hurry.

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Thank you Steven, for bringing up a very good point for me.

Thank you. I am so very happy you have a violin now. Have entirely too much fun! :)

Ahhh...

Things for self.

This is a very good concept to ponder.

Today, a remarkably rare Baikal Teal showed up in Montana for the first time on record. Several birding friends have called, but I must see the PT tomorrow, and cannot go on the field trip this time. As I was reading all the posts on the birding lists, I remembered times when I was all alone, before I knew Doug and after David was mostly hospitalized in the locked ward, and I would take off on birding trips to marvelous places, camp out in my spacious VE24, stay a few days, and bird the area. I could let go of all the stress for a while. When lucky, I could combine this pastime with some archaeology.

Years later, Doug, the ornithologist, who was an intense birder, especially raptors and owls, would lead us on superb birding outings. I have not been birding since the summer of 2011, when we drove the MG across the Highline of Montana, and birded all along the way, from Glacier to Medicine Lake. We also stopped to see all the dinosaur digs and displays. It was a marvelous trip, remembered forever for the fields and fields of sunflowers, which enchanted us as we held hands and walked along the rows. It was not too long after that when Doug began to decline again, but those days we lived in joy and exploration, and smiled with delight in the days.

Anyway, I love birding, and I am going to take myself on a birding outing soon. I am going to gather up my gear, and I may buy a new camera! I do not know how to use Doug's complicated one very well yet, as he would set everything and hand it to me most times. But I am going to get a simpler one, so if I drop it (my last one went that way) it won't be the really good camera. Also, I am not ready emotionally to use his camera yet.

I will take my field glasses and birding books with me if I drive, and maybe take a couple of extra days to hit some great birding spots on the way up. And then I will arrive in Fairbanks and go visit all the Sand Hill Cranes in Creamer's Filed, where they rest. Doug and I used to go watch their dances. :)

This is very much for myself. Because it is nature and beauty, and sky-flyers, and life, I will go birding this year, and will make this into a birding vacation for me. I think I can do that. I will give it a very fun purpose. :) This is an extremely excellent thread, thank you very much Steven.

And today is my dear Estelle's birthday. If she had decided to stay around, she would have been 99 today. She was truly remarkable, and I am blessed to have had her for my MIL, and more than that, as a very dear friend of the heart. She was a very wise woman, too. I know she and Dad are somewhere, exploring volcanoes or something equally as exciting. They were quite the pair. :) I was sorting some of Dad's geological specimens today, with their felt mountings and beauty of form. Mostly crystals of various kinds, not precious, just beautiful.

So, I have a mandate from Estelle, I am sure, to do at least one fun for myself each day. I am going to get busy on that, and on making a vacation. :) I must start making some fun for me. I will do all I can to make this trip a fun time, not a pilgrimage to our old life in Alaska, but a time of enjoyment. This is a wonderful shift in perspective, and I thank all of you who shared about flying the airplane first. {{{hugs}}}

Now, where are my good field glasses? ... :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Dear Fae

I live surrounded by birders. (Google Spurn Bird Observatory) and though Pete and I never counted ourselves as birders as such most of our friends are birders. Last Friday we were visited by a rarity, a Rock Thrush, and hundreds of birders descended on a twitch. I saw the bird, a female. Rather underwhelming. But for two days people went away happy. Sme of them had come from as far as the London area. I too have Pete's camera. Because he was a mother he knew how to take close ups. I can't bring myself to touch his best camera. Another no go area (I seems to have so many).

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Wonderful Topic...have a blast with the violin, I got a Guitar a while back always wanted one I dabble here and there with it it's been a bit going to pick it back up...

What I've done the last 3 years and the last year and 2 months is transform my body, mind and soul, from the person I was before Ruth passed to the person I am today...I endure the grief with positive energy, just today I remembered a special time Ruth and I had working outdoors, instead of tears it brought a smile!

Another thing is I have given myself a new look and feel, last Feb. Brenda and I joined a gym, we have worked hard with a regular routine every other day, changed our diet to healthy food and transformed our 55+ bodies into toned lean 40ish looking people and feel great about it...I give myself vacations staying at 5 star hotels or resorts where I can bask in the sun on the beach or be waited on with room service.

I have allowed myself to fully enjoy the new "love and companionship" Brenda and I have found always giving thanks daily we have each other to share our lives.

I also just recently planted the start of my first garden at my new home, been here 2 years now and just last week did my spring yard clean and was motivated to plant a small 4x4 raised bed garden, we'll see what happens my two tomatoes are doing well the first week in the ground, going to add to it on days off...

We all need something for ourselves for we all have endured much pain with our the loss of our loved ones, I know Ruth would want it this way and really would be as she would say "a very unhappy camper" if I had not taken this positive approach to my life after her passing, we spoke of this often and I told her I would try so I couldn't let her down....I think she'd be happy.

May all of you find and do that something special just for you...

NATS

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fae, our village has been officially designated as Bird City

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wings-Over-River-Valley-Spring-Green-Bird-City/353782374705135

Eventually I will get involved with this group. Each year we have eagle counting days and crane counting days. Nearby we have the International Crane Foundation known outside of the state for teaching baby cranes to follow an ultralight to Florida to teach them how to migrate in the winters. We also have Horicon Wildlife Center and marsh ( https://www.facebook.com/HoriconNWR?fref=ts ) filled with wildlife of all kinds. I know every state has its own beauty and unique sites...I also know Wisconsin is just loaded with them and with conservationists. Organic Valley Co-op was started around a friend's kitchen table here in 1988. As a result many of the people who live here are really committed to organic food, CSAs, family farms...etc. Between that and the arts here...I am surrounded by wonderful gifts.

Re the birds- Bill and I always had feeders rigged up on pulleys when we lived in the woods, fed the deer, etc. But I fear I have neglected my feathered friends in this house so far and getting the feeders out and filled is on my list for this year so when winter comes, the remaining birds will know where they can eat and drink. I want my yard filled with butterflies and birds. I now have rabbits that have successfully dug holes under the fence and who get chased on a regular basis by Bentley. The rabbits always win. I do know that if Bentley "caught" a rabbit i.e. got close to one, he would just stand and stare at it as I have seen him do when he cornered one once. Knowing I have rabbits out there does influence my gardening plans. :)

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Dear Jan,

Thank you. Spurn Bird Observatory has a wonderful site, and great news. I have only birded in Great Britain once, but hope to again sometime. I understand about the camera. Maybe we will use them next year. {{{hugs}}}

NATS, thank you for the inspiring sharing of your fitness quest. Doug and I have a home gym, and we would train together. I have not been doing much since the back surgery and broken foot, but am slowly working back up to more fitness, and it feels very good.

Mary, wow! I have been to Horicon Marsh, and I see you have Whooping Cranes migrating through your valley. How wonderful! I have only seen them once, in Texas. Birding is such a great way to be out in nature, and really trains the observer in us to look closely and live in the moment. I can just see Bentley and the rabbit having a sporting stand-off. Our vegetable and berry garden has a 6-foot deer fence, and the lower part is lined with chicken wire, with fire brick all around the parameter. Yet, the rabbits find ways to get in for "their" salad bar! We tried planters, but the rabbits do jump. Finally, we just learned to plant extra for the rabbits. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Yes, fae, we have lots of cranes...a nearby slough is loaded with them...and makes for great watching. I worry about Bentley and the ticks as the ticks love the woods and slough...so am cautious and pull ticks off as soon as I can.

I will do a raised bed veggie garden (lasagna) next summer and put a chicken wire fence around it but I KNOW the rabbits will get in so, like you, i will plant a lot of what they like best...but that is next summer. I hope to build the raised bed garden myself. We shall see. I have built walls for houses we built or renovated, run telephone wires, run electrical wires, and more so what is a little raised bed, eh? :)

Painters are here doing the kitchen cabinets...and tomorrow he will treat them and they are gone. I came across a 12 foot Navajo Yei rug that I had in my office. I am thinking about putting that up but I have two pieces of art on that wall and not sure I have another place for that....The big problems in life, eh?

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Kay, I can't find the recipe. I found the picture of bone shaped treats but did not see the recipe. Keep in mind that my brain is not working well right now so I may have looked right at it and not seen it :) Would you post it again? Thanks, no hurry.

The recipe is right above the picture; also you can click "share" and it will be saved to your page so you'll always have it, that's what I did. when I made this it was too dry/crumbly (rice flour is like that) to roll out so I added another egg, then a little too sticky. Next time I'll use a tad less rice flour and see if that helps. Perhaps a bit more pumpkin would help, I'll play with it more Fri. when I make another batch.

Homemade Doggie Treats!

2 eggs

1/2 cup canned pumpkin

2 tablespoons dry milk

1/4 teaspoon sea salt

2 1/2 cups brown rice flour *

1 teaspoon dried parsley (optional)

Preheat oven to 350.

In large bowl, whisk together eggs and pumpkin to smooth. Stir in dry milk, sea salt, and dried parsley (if using, optional). Add brown rice flour gradually, combining with spatula or hands to form a stiff, dry dough. Turn out onto lightly floured surface (can use the brown rice flour) and if dough is still rough, briefly knead and press to combine.

Roll dough between 1/4 – 1/2″ – depending on your dog’s chew preferences, – and use biscuit or other shape cutter to punch shapes, gathering and re-rolling scraps as you go. Place shapes on cookie sheet, no greasing or paper necessary. If desired, press fork pattern on biscuits before baking, a quick up-and-down movement with fork, lightly pressing down halfway through dough. Bake 20 minutes. Remove from oven and carefully turn biscuits over, then bake additional 20 minutes. Allow to cool completely on rack before feeding to dog.

* Brown rice flour gives the biscuits crunch and promotes better dog digestion. Many dogs have touchy stomachs or allergies, and do not, like many people I know, tolerate wheat.

Makes up to 75 small (1″) biscuits or 50 medium biscuits

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Oh,Mary, so nice you have a Yei rug.

So may good stories about the Yei.

I hope you find a place to hang it.

Good for you for planning to do the raised bed! I had forgotten how much building and construction I had done with Doug. Walls, a big shed, lots of other stuff. I am still "recovering" myself and still remembering who I am and what I can do in bits and pieces as I find the parts of myself that were so tipped out of balance when Doug left. I forget how much I could do, how strong and courageous I was, before Doug was so ill that my days all shifted to being about Doug.

We have a lot of ourselves to recover. This is a process, and seems to be organic, shifting and growing at its own pace, in its own way, with its own path. I often feel that I am along as the observer of my own rehabilitation, more than a participant, because I do not know how to do this on my own. This has been a stressful week, with the tests going well, the cryptic call, standing my ground, all sort of the culmination of the big project last week. Yesterday, I also tried to clean out one of Doug's dresser drawers, and I am not ready to open those drawers yet, with all the notes, things Doug used, his last writing, his glasses, keys, little things. The acceptance is so very slow, and I guess that is good, because it gives the reality time to sink in and process. It is just a lonely day today, with Estelle gone as well, and feeling as though so many of the people who truly cared about and loved me are gone now.

But, the air is cleared of so many people who were not there for me when I needed them. So there is a good side. I don't feel so obligated to help them or take care of them out of friendship, or even out of family ties now as I used to. That is also a way to be stronger.

In a few days it will be 15 months since Doug escaped his non-functioning body. I read a couple of his love letters to me that were in a stack of papers I had put away. I am so happy I can still feel his love around me, but for some reason, today, maybe lack of sleep, Estelle being gone, I don't know, I just miss him so much that my heart is aching, and that has not happened in a while. The roller coaster is in full operating mode today, I think.

I just came in from some outside things, and this place is so filled with Doug memories that I sometimes just drown in them.

I know I do not need to explain all these tears. They are just coming from my heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Wow, Kay, the dog biscuits look delicious, and people could eat them, too.

So glad they call for rice flour.

Nice.

fae

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They smell really tempting! If it had molasses instead of sea salt I could see myself sneaking into them, you have no idea how good they smell!

Also the recipe didn't say if they need refrigerated or not but since they have egg in them, I keep them in the refrigerator just to be safe.

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The rug is lovely and really goes with the space but...what to do with the art work if I use the rug. We shall see.

"I just came in from some outside things, and this place is so filled with Doug memories that I sometimes just drown in them.

I know I do not need to explain all these tears. They are just coming from my heart."

fae, no need to explain tears...ever. I just made a run for mulch and some odds and ends and cried all the way to the store and back....a round trip drive of about an hour. I know it is May....the weather. It is 3 years since Bill died and this is my fourth transition from winter to spring without him. I find that the transition to spring is the most difficult...it is so beautiful out, warm, sunny. The trees are popping. Daffodils are up. My maple is budding and beginning to leaf. The weeping willow down the street is incredible in its spring green. It is spring in spring green and it is coming alive everywhere and I just want to go hiking in the woods with Bill....or take a drive to Devil's Lake and get an ice cream cone. Hence the tears today. No need to explain that...here.

Peace

Mary

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I understand...my lilacs are budding and when they bloom, I can't help but think of George...originally we were going to be married in May when the lilacs were in bloom but changed it to October when the leaves change color. Both of us love nature and George was particularly soft on things like that.

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Your lilacs are blooming already? Wow! Yes, I do think the transition from winter to the merry month of May might be hard on others besides me. There is a certain vulnerability about it..strip off the down jackets, be outside, others are outside, the beauty...beauty always brings me to tears...and memories of these lovely days. Result = tears. :unsure:

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Not "blooming" but the buds are there...I walk by it every day as it's between the house and the ramp that goes to my back patio, when they come on they're so fragrant. George always loved them. You know a million other men might not care or notice, but it's just another aspect of how he was that I loved him so much "as is"!

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Dear Jan,

Doug and I love spring as well: making gardening plans, trip plans, ordering trees to plant around the lake, opening up the houses to fresh air.

Pete is there, every day, and when you go outside, you will hear his laughter and see him smile all around you.

When I walk into the forest, I can feel Doug there, his favorite place to "putter" trimming trees, building bird boxes, supervising my flower planting.

I know Pete is enjoying spring with you. Let yourself feel some of his joy.

I hold you in my heart these days of passage.

{{{hugs}}}

fae

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