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Needing My Mama

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I just turned 40. My husband is away in a nursing home. I have just begun treatment for cancer. I lay awake at 1:45 in the morning ACHING for my Mama. :(

She should be here with me. Not my SIL. I should still have her here. I feel like a little girl again. Scared, tired, alone, sick. And my step father killing her when I was 15... Has robbed me of her and is robbing me of her when I have never needed her more. Only a Mom can "make it better" for certain times. And now is one of those times.

When my Nana was dying from cancer, she told me whenever I needed her or missed her to put my hand on my heart and breathe and she would be there.

I hold my hand on my heart tonight and tears are flowing from my eyes. I am trying to feel both my Nana and my Mom here. I think I do... But in a way that's just not enough. :(

Mothers Day is coming and that is one of the most difficult days for me missing my Mama AND my Nana. They were so alike. They looked so much alike. No one compares to them. I know though with my hand here on my heart, that my Mama and her Mama are together and that is comforting.

I better try again to rest.... 6am comes fast. Second chemo treatment. After bloodwork.

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Hi ShanN,

What can I say? You are in my prayers and thoughts. Know that your Mama and Nana are RIGHT THERE with you! I cannot say I am sorry enough! Any of us who have lost our Mom partly understand where you are coming from. Your story makes those of us who did have our Mom's into adulthood even more grateful. It is never easy no matter what. My Mom was my best friend from the day I was born. My life will never, ever be the same!

In my prayers and thoughts!

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  • 2 weeks later...


I'm sorry I missed this earlier. I know, you have so much on your plate. And fair doesn't enter in. I wish you could have your mom here with you while you go through chemo and while your husband is so sick. My mom isn't dead but neither has she ever "been there" for me. My mom is too mentally ill to have been a "mom" to us, both while we were children, and while we were adults. We have somehow learned to function without her role in our lives...not what we would have coveted, but it is what it is. I hope as the other poster suggests, that you realize you can reach inside of yourself for your mom whenever you want. Talk to her...what would she say back to you? Those are the words you can find comfort in now.

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