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So....here's My Story


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Thank you all for having let me tell my story. Well the one that brought me here at least. I refuse to let that night define who we were/are to eachother. Thanks again and for all your support.

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Dear Kristen,

What a dramatic and tragic time for you, for Marcus' daughters , and for everyone, I am sure.

I hope you are seeing a good counselor, that you have found a local grief support group, and that you are talking with your minister, rabbi, or priest. You have a huge amount of confusion, loss, sorrow, sadness, and perhaps some guilt to sort through, and all of it surrounded by the terrible accident and Marcus leaving.

I hope you can find some good support and counseling close by, because with such a complicated situation, I imagine it is difficult to find you way.

There are so many wonderful resources here, so many wonderful readings posted and shared, and I hope you can find them and have the time to read and contemplate.

I am so sorry that you are going through this time. I hope you find some solace and healing, some insights and comfort, each day even if only for a few minutes.

Please be gentle with yourself, care for yourself, sleep, eat, talk with caring people, and breathe deeply.

If you can, try to meditate. I think it might help you.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I understand why people here don't want to talk to me now. I thank you Fae for being kind. I may have written this to seem with ease, but it was a long road and no one was innocent. His wife had gotten pregnant by another firefighter and my ex had had a girlfriend. I don't say this to bash anyone, but Marcus and i are not bad people. We found true love and deserved to be happy just as our exes are now. I am not ashamed of our love and all we share. I never was and never will be! I didn't write this to offend or upset anyone. I wroye it because i needed to tell my story and thought this was a safe place "wothout judgement". I guess i was wrong. Won't be the first or last. I won't be sharing here anymore. I wish you all the best. I thank all of you for your kind and loving words--before you heard my story that is.

For as long as i have to be here i will live in honor of MM.

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Dear Kristen,

I am glad you posted your story. Everyone here has a very kind heart and we all share in one another's journey. I think part of the healing consists in sharing as you have done and no one ever judges another person. We are all on our own journey and I know that we learn from others. I have been on my journey for a year now at the end of this month. Many memories surface still as I recall my life with my beloved Jim for almost forty years. I know that my healing has come from the wise words and love and hugs I have received on this forum.

No one is 'bad' kristen and I truly believe that if you stay on the forum you will move through your grief from your loss of Marcus and come out as a 'new' beautiful person you are. Keeping you in my heart. Anne

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Kristen,

Dear Heart,

Stay with us.

There is healing here, and not judging.

People are busy with their own grief and healing, and sometimes it takes a couple of days for us to catch up with things.

Do not feel defensive or in need of explaining yourself.

Your grief and pain are real. Your loss is real. You belong there. If you wish and want to, stay with us and we will all help each other to heal and move along this journey of grief. This is a powerfully loving, compassionate, and caring Tribe.

Please find a grief counselor, and a support group. Those two aspects of my time in a fog helped me to make it through the first several months, when I had intended to leave and go join Doug. I am very glad I am still here, even with the pain and grief. This is a healing place. Stay if you can.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Kristen, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn that you are feeling judged or ignored after having posted this morning. I know from reading your earlier posts that it's taken you some time to feel safe enough to share the details of your story, and I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to take that risk.

May I ask what leads you to conclude that people here don't want to talk to you now? That certainly does not seem to be the case ~

Still, you feel what you feel, and I honor that. I'm just sorry to think that you're feeling this way, and I hope you will give us a chance to better understand what has happened since your last post, such that you feel so let down that you would choose to leave us.

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Thank you Marty, you always know just what to say.

I hope Kristen comes back to read our notes to her.

She may not be getting much support where she lives because of the marital circumstances, but her pain and grief are very real, and she needs comfort from somewhere. I hope she can also find a grief counselor and support group, because her situation is complicated in so many ways. I think if it were me in such a situation, I would have no balance left at all. I hope she finds comfort and compassion somewhere, even if she decides not to be here with us.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Kristen,

I am so sorry you feel that people here are judging you and perhaps not accepting you. I am not sure where those feelings are coming from but I would be very surprised if anyone here is judging your or not accepting you. Everyone here is truly committed to helping all those who come aboard. I have never seen anyone be judged or ignored. Sometimes people do not get back to people immediately because of where they are emotionally or what is going on in their own lives. I am truly sorry you feel that way and hope you read the responses that have been posted for you. I think you were also seeing a counselor, the one you and Marcus saw and hope you continue to do that. I saw one after Bill died and recommend it. I hope we see you here again. I know it took a lot of courage for you to share your story and I honor that you took that risk.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

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Kristen,

Indeed Mary is right. We would never judge each other. There is not a soul here who doesn't know what love is. We wouldn't be sharing our grief if we didn't. In a group environment we feel better just listening to others who are sad because we relate. I too hope you come back and read the responses. What you have gone through and are experiencing is horrific at best. Keep seeking help and use every tool available to you. We are thinking of you.

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Kristen, Honey, no one here will judge you and no one here is ignoring you...I have been working outside all day since it was finally beautiful and just came in and am catching up. I want to thank you for trusting us enough to share you and Marcus' story. I spent 23 years in a love-less marriage so I of all people understand. I mean I loved my husband in a caring sort of way, we were a family, he was my kids' dad, but we were never "in love" with each other. On the other hand, when I met George, we just clicked, sometimes it just is that way with each other. I count myself lucky for having gotten him in my life the short time I did. I know you feel that way too.

I highly recommend you getting counseling to help you sort out your feelings and forgive yourself for the spat you had...that's all it was you know, and we all have had them. It didn't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things except it's left you feeling upset with yourself. You aren't responsible for his death, you do know that, don't you? You never would have hurt him and wanted to spend your life with him...and you know what? He's forgiven you and hopes you'll forgive him...there, it's done. Seriously, George and I had some major stuff we were going through when he died, and it did take me a while to process it but I did, and it's okay...and had he lived, I know we would have been okay because he'd overcome a whole lot more in his life and we loved each other more than life itself! You just have to have faith that all would have been well and death...well it just happens to us, randomly, I think, I don't think there's some big Heavy up in the sky saying, "you, you're done" "you, you stay here a while longer", no, I think people try to analyze too much (and me the biggest analyzer of all!) and I think stuff just happens. Some have it made, some have it hard, some live long lives, some live short lives, there seems to be no rhyme or reason, life/death just happens.

Sweetie, we're here for you and I'd love to read the rest of your story, I'm interested, I care. If we don't respond immediately, it's not cuz we don't care, it's cuz we haven't read it yet, we'll get there though. I am just sorry you lost the love of your life.

You have a million memories with Marcus and neither death nor time can ever negate them. Hold them dear in your heart and let them help carry you through the storms...that is what I have done with my beloved George and all of the rest here have too.

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Dear Kay,

What a wonderful, warm and loving post.

I only hope kristin come here one more time to read these loving entries.

She needs to get to know this Tribe a little better, then she will find a very comfy spot by the fire.

And I need to go check on Shannon.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Kay, I agree with fae. Your post to Kristen was just lovely.

Mary

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PUBLIC APOLOGY

i am really sorry for getting so upset this morning. I know everyone has their own grief and lives going on. I am so incredibly grateful to all of you for your kind, supportive, and loving words. They truly mean the world to me! I have never been good with groups of people and i guess online is no different. Also i'm sure as you can all understand things have been very stressful and scary.

Fae, Anne, Marty, Mary, Katpilot, and Kay from the biggest piece of my broken heart-thank you all!

I was going to come back and send you all one last message. I don't want to go though. I was just so upset and alone. I overracted. I am sorry. Thank you for making me feel not so alone :)

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I would like very much to find my place with all of you by the fire. Even in this warm weather i feel cold and alone. To address a few things that were brought up-i am seeing a therapist every Wed and she knew Marcus which helps. I can also call her if i really need to which feels good to know. I have my parents which i am grateful for, but can't break down in front of them and they have their own lives. Other then that - well, now i have all of you. Marcus truly was my everything. I miss him so much. Today was so hard. I have no idea how i moved my stuff from our apartment by myself. I am torn at times at what to think about and how to feel. I just want to focus on the good Marcus and I shared, but that night, the girls, and their mother-what Marcus would want me to do all creep in. He knew almost everyone in 3 towns and everyone loved him. They saw him happy with me yet i feel like the most hated person in the world. Why do i even care? I know i shouldn't. As selfish as it is i just wanted someone to feel for me and all i lost with him. She treated him so badly. I'm just worn out. Tired of trying by waking up each morning to the nightmare that he is dead. I beg him sometimes screaming for him to come get me-find me like he always did. I do believe that it was my fault cause we fought that's why he was so mad. He was more mad then i had ever seen him before. I also believe with all that i am that it should have been me. He should be here for his girls. If he just turned to the right-it would have been. I wish he had.

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Don't worry, overreacting is a part of grief...I did it, I'm sure we all have. It's stressful grieving.

Try not to focus on what others think. I know what it is to be in that place, it's hard but it can also make you stronger. When my kids' dad and I divorced, it was very taboo...we were extremely involved in our church and this is a small town. I hibernated, he didn't...people took sides even though they didn't know anything about it. I kept everything inside. He got all of the friends, church, respect...I got our kids. For a while I got hate mail, seriously. We had to let the answering machine screen our calls. You learn to hold your head up with the knowledge of what you know to be true about yourself. I determined not to let others or their reactions change who I am...I continued to smile in the face of adversity or animosity. It is truly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through but I can honestly say it made me a strong person. Remember, YOU are the person you need to be true to...you do not need anyone else's approval. The people in the town/s will move on to something else. I even told myself, "well at least I'm diverting the talk from some other poor soul!" :) It's all okay. I'm proud of who I am and I know few would be strong enough to have gone through everything I have gone through in life. You will feel that way too.

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I really do admire your strength Kay!

So because all of you have been so supportive i feel comfortable enough to tell the rest of my story. Thank you all for that priceless gift :)

I left off when i woke up in the hospital. The accident happened at 145am on a Sunday. I woke up on Tuesday and was released Wednesday. My parents went to our apartment Monday night to get Luna-my ferret. They couldn't get in so they called a locksmith. Jen his wife heard and speed over with 2 trucks saying she thought my parents were going to clean out the apartment. They only wanted Luna. She was alone for days. They had the door proped open and anything could've happen to her. Jen started bagging all of OUR stuff in garbage bags. My parents weren't prepared to move me and they live 45min away. Never having met this woman i can only imagine how difficult this was for them. They took what they could. When i got out of the hospital i went back. Everything was still there. I took a few things, but thought i had more time and would be back again. Sitting in the kitchen with my parents was utterly earth shatteringly difficult. I wanted to stay home in our home and all my parents keep saying was this wasn't my home anymore. I was only on the form for the office not on the lease. I should've taken so much more then i did. Then again i should've told Marcus i didn't want to go that night! I hate myself for not going with my first instincts. I tried to be respectful of his girls by leaving things for them to have. I did take his mug, pen, pillow he loved, under shirts, and our pillows from our bed. I sat back and waited to hear from the landlord who knew me and Marcus as a couple. A loving couple. She took weeks. I wanted to go in first and could've, but didn't. She "allowed" me 10minutes to see him between viewings at the funeral. Even then i was rushed out. I heard there was a 2 hr wait to see him. Everyone liked him. I can't say they respected him though. Lots of people in the fire department moved on with other people and in his family as well, but when HE finally had a chance to be happy where was everybody!!?? Surrounding Jen that's where! HIS whole family and HIS fire department all supported her! He never left his girls and busted his ass to give her money to pay bills she never did. Oh but her hair and nails always looked perfect. Sorry i know she had a history and the girls with her, but she really did treat him badly.

So....i didn't go to the funeral. By the way-he hated tight spaces and never wanted to be buried or for his girls to see him in a box. So what did she do? Yup just what he didn't want. I finally was told i could go to the apartment yesterday-by the landlord. Jen said she would call me and i was hoping she would, but she didn't. I went by myself to what was once our home. It was empty. Few garbage bags in the living room. She took EVERYTHING. Things that were mine. Even a tv that my parents bought and my mother told Jen she payed for it. It of course is not all about things, but they are all i have of him too. She has always been all about herself. She kept saying "for her girls" she's so full of it. She even called him nothing, but a paycheck while they were together! Now this morning one of the girls posted a comment on a picture of my ferret Dover that had to be put to sleep a few months ago. They used to play with him. Her comment was "EW". I know she is grieving for her daddy, but god my stomach just dropped. I know they blame me and mainly because i'm sure Jen does. My therapist thinks i should write Jen a letter telling her everything i want to about being there for the girls if they choose to want to talk to me and respecting her as the mother. I have started a letter a few times today, but could use some help, advice, or anything. I am torn cause part of me thinks the best thing to do is leave them all alone, but i always stepped back and Marcus would tell me to just get in there like it's all normal. I should've went to the funeral. Even just staying in the back. I don't want anyone to think i'm ashamed of us and i know he would want me to be there for his girls. I don't know what to do.

I know this is a lot to read. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it. I am at a loss.

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Dear Kristen,

I am delighted you came back! :)

{{{hugs}}}

Thank you for sharing a part of your story. As a very wise person here told me, when I was going through and needing to talk about some of the same kinds of happenings, we need to let it out, to tell our story again and again. We need to be heard. Then later, we will speak of the story less, until we feel it is okay for it to become a memory rather than an emotional trigger.

Today, I am sorting through some of Doug's things, many of them files and papers that he hid in anticipation of the arrival of family members. There are loving notes, instructions, so many things that bring back the sense of Doug's mind and his arranging things during those last few months. Today, I spent a whole hour before I had to stop.

I am almost through with some tough work to get rid of the anger toward the people who came into our home while Doug was dying and robbed him. And he knew, and talked about it to many of us after they left. It was heartbreaking for me for my husband to have been so betrayed by his own family and discovered it before he left. My heart broke for him. But I am in a far better place now, and so is Doug. :)

At least your Mom and Dad tried to defend your things, and that is a big plus for them, I think. They must love you very much. I am so glad you have them with you.

This is a very rough journey you are on, and you are very early on the journey. Your balance is not stable. Please look at some of the meditations recommended here in the meditation posts, because I have found these meditations to be very helpful in restoring peace, even if for only a few minutes at a time.

I am sorry you are in this very painful and difficult time. We will walk with you through these very shadowed days.

Blessings, dear Kristen.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Oh my god!!!

Big news! The best thing aside from Marcus coming back has happened! I am so excited and relieved. Just dare i say-happy!

One of Marcus's girls video chatted me just a few minutes ago. Right after i asked Marcus in our journal what i should do. "Should i reach out to the girls, write Jen a letter? What!?" I started to write Jen a letter again and got a strange alert sound and it was one of the girls. 2 of them actually. They aren't mad at me and are going to stay in touch. I can't express how relieved i am. I miss them so much and told them so. Thank you Marcus for the precious gift of your girls!! Thank you!!

So....i no longer have to write a letter to Jen. Another huge thank you to Marcus and to everyone here for being here for me. I'm sure more is to come, but i hope only good and i really hope i am able to stay in touch with the girls.

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Fae,

I am so sorry about what you and Doug had to go thru and from family too. Yesterday i was where you were with sorting threw things. Fortunately or not so fortunately Jen took everything of Marcus's so i didn't have much personal stuff to go threw. Sometimes the word family should not be used because some just don't honor it the way it should be.

This was Doug's family? People he and you both trusted? That to me is just disgusting. I think it's wonderful that you are in a better place with things. Still makes you wonder what makes people do cruel things.

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Dear Kristen, I have read your whole story including the great news of your Skype with the girls. I am glad that you returned to the forum and I just know you will find a lot of love and support here and we all need that. I am very happy the girls will stay in touch with you....a gift from Marcus for sure...he is surely quick to respond. :) I hope to see more of you here. You have been through a lot of trauma and pain and loss and this is a great place to get support as you deal with all that. Peace, Mary

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Kristen!

I am so happy you heard from the girls!

I know it is a big healing for your heart, and I am so glad they made contact with you. A spark of love has been lit. So nice :)

Kristen, I think mostly when we humans do really stupid stuff like steal and other things that is arises from some deep fear that we have let run a part of our lives. And it probably spills over into many areas. I think it is only when we learn to be kind and compassionate to ourselves that we can begin to send some compassion to those who act from fear. I don't mean let them back in our lives, but at least not keep carrying around some heavy emotional stuff because we have been stung or bitten by something they have done. We can clear emotional toxins, and it is a lot of work. I had to work through a lot of grief before I could sort out the anger from the grieving. It all just takes time.

You, dear one, have been given a wonderful gift, sign, and affirmation. I am so very happy for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Thank you Mary. Marcus was always quick to respond. Unfortunely the "happy" feeling was somewhat short lived. Jen sent me a text saying "haven't you done enough damage to my family. Do not contact my children again".

I told her i didn't do this. It was a horrific accident and we are all grieving for him. I also told her i have respected that they are her children and will not reach out. I wanted to tell her earlier that i will be there for them if they ever need to talk though. She hasn't responded. I fear she may slap me with a restraining order. The only thing that i'm holding onto is that 2 of them aren't mad at me and that i have this place to talk. I'm not sure how to feel now. Still grateful Marcus sent me his girls, but over all i feel....lost and miss Marcus so much!

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Fae,

I think it was a wonderful gift too, but as you can see from what i just wrote to Mary it was somewhat short lived :(

I agree with you about carrying around anger or resentment for people. It's not healthy for you. Sometimes it can be really hard to forgive though so i still think it's wonderful tgat you can :)

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I agree, Kristen...hang onto the fact that the girls contacted you and though you must respect their mother's order (wishes) (fears) and not contact them...you know they want to contact you and someday...that will happen. I know that is not what you want but how wonderful that it happened and you KNOW they love you. We are here for you. Many here have family "stuff" and turn to this safe place for acceptance and love. YOu are not alone. Mary

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Thank you so much Mary! I was feeling a bit--unsure as to what i was feeling-what i should feel. His daughter still has me added on google and just liked another one of my pictures :) i feel very blessed! Blessed Marcus sent me such a gift and that i have all of you here supporting me. Sincerely-thank you all!! A big hug to each of you :)

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