So....here's My Story

[kayc]

Kristen,

I am sorry you are in such a difficult position and I greatly empathize for how everything has occurred. I wrote you a personal message that I hope will give you something to hope for. Keep in mind that time has a way of passing very quickly and what seems like a long time right now, is but a blink of the eye in the overall picture.

I'm glad you were able to get your pillows and a couple of things that you can hold onto, it's so important to have something of them.

[Cakes01]

I didn't go to sleep till 4 in the morning. I got stuck on all the things Jen took that were mine before i even met Marcus and somethings i bought and made for him. I just couldn't let that sick feeling go. I know they are just things and as my mother said "every THING can be replaced" i just felt defensive because my parents bought the things Jen took-tv, ceramic and glass dishes, candles and then letters and cards that Marcus wrote to me! I have brought myself back and know that with his girls getting in touch me these things are just that-THINGS and if Jen wants to live in her fairytale world-whatever. That's on her. Thank you Kay

How is it that a simple thing like taking a shower seem so impossible? I miss him-miss his body his touch so much!

[kayc]

I am sorry, Kristen, you are going through enough without her robbing you of what is yours. Is there a way you can get a court order to give you back your things? It's just wrong of her to take the things Marcus wrote to you and the things your parents gave you and the things you purchased yourself, she knows they are not hers!

[Cakes01]

Oh i know she knows they are mine. It makes me sick. Everyone who came into contact with her told me that they knew what they were dealing with within the first 5 minutes. They said she was just disgusting-grabbing everything throwing it all in garbage bags. She even had his jewelery laid out on the kitchen counter and standing over it! She's all about herself and she uses the girls. I thought about going after her for my stuff, but then what would the girls think? They know what was mine, but still i don't want to ruin a chance to have a relationship with them. Seeing their 2 smiling faces while we talked was such a gift! I did ask my mother if she wanted to try to get the tv it was $2,000 after all. She said "no don't bother. Let her have it. She can shove it up her ass". I hate that she went threw all our stuff and took what she want. Selfish! As for the cards and letters my guess is that she threw them away when she found them. I don't know why she would want to keep them. I can't believe she's having another baby and with a guy from Marcus's fire company. Oh sorry - i mean HER fire company. Turns my stomach.

[kayc]

Yeah, and she'll probably try to get social security off Marcus to support the baby. I'd turn her in if she did. I guess I'm a fighter, I hate that people get away with stuff like this and her a hypocrite! The girls would just think you're trying to get your stuff back, they know it's not hers. You guys are taking the upper road, you're better people than I am!

[Cakes01]

Not really. I'm really mad that she has gotten away with what she has. I'm just fearful of messing up any chance with the girls. I could care less about her. In fact that was one of the last things Marcus said about her. "F*** her! I'm not giving her anymore money. She's on her own". She really is a piece of work. Personaly i think he should've done that a long time ago, but god he worked 18hrs a day and gave her tons of money!! .....

I would like to get to where i can let go and just say "she's not worth it and it's her problem. Let her carry her anger for me" i really would, but i am more like you Kay. I can't stand when people get away with crap like this. It's just wrong.

Oh she's well taken care of now. She got everything from Verizon and his business and the whole town to help her with this kid. You know what's funny? I was just thinking before i read this-if i was pregnant i could try to get child support from her. Well she was Marcus's happy wife, right? She wants everything of Marcus's. I know. I think i'm just exhausted and really angry. I think my parents just want to move on. It's my life though. Marcus my life.

[kayc]

If you were pregnant you would be entitled to his soc. sec. for the baby, you'd probably have to have a dna test first, but then so should she.

[Cakes01]

I wish i was. I know a lot of pressure for a baby to be my connection to Marcus, but i do wish i was. Things have happened though. Woke up to my phone going crazy with text messages from his sister. Jen's bestfriend. I think you would be proud of how i responded.

[Cakes01]

So it has been one month since the accident. I look at his picture and sometimes wonder "were you even real?" I was so blessed to have even met him let alone have his unconditional beautiful love. I didn't think i was good enough for me, but he always told me anything i saw as imperfections he saw as just another sweet part of me. I don't think it has sunk in that he is really gone. His physical body never to be seen or touched again. I haven't cried in a while and just starting now i fear i'll never stop. I miss everything about him. I loved to just watch him. He did things with such ease and grace. He was funny too. We could always make eachother smile with just a look or a touch or wrestling-laughing so hard and ending up on the floor laying on on eachother out of breath and smiling. God he had such a gorgous smile! It sounds like things people usually say after someone dies, but i told him all the time that i loved every inch of him especially his mind and heart. His lips, nose, feet-his arms were my home. I can't go home! :( sorry i need to stop for now.

[kayc]

Oh Kristen, I feel what you're feeling...I enjoyed getting to see what he looked like, you look amazing together. I, too, wonder if George was a dream, was he real? But he's in my memory, it all really happened.

I know you lost your home where you were together, I am glad you have your parents to go to, but I know it's not the same.

[Cakes01]

Thank you Kay. reading that makes me smile. we had people tell us we look so happy together. He also loved looking at us together in the mirror. i don't like looking at myself, but loved looking at us. i mainly looked at him. he was so good looking. i'm waiting for a pizza and just gave out my card to a few people for our pet sitting business. i also went to the bank and got the 800.00 Marcus had for our business. that feels amazing! I took the higher road, but that money was for our -Remmie's Companion Care. i wanted to be nice, but forget that. i know he would be proud of me. big hugs to you Kay!

[Cakes01]

Going to get Lunar a friend. on my own. wish me luck!!

[Cakes01]

Tonight was not what i was expecting at all. I felt good going to the bank and therapy. This sweet little boy-i got him from a pet store all signs seem to say "green light" , but i had to bring him to a ferret rescue (i got 2 of my ferrets from her. I wasn't able to keep him. It broke the rest of my heart. I need to get myself together and go on my own. I have never been on my own before. I still believe i was supposed to find that little boy. Joanne that has the rescue will find himna good home. I don't like promoting petstores, but now he has a chance at a really good home. She does tough checks on families. Gotta love that! Still....wish i could've kept him. Someday hopefully soon i'll be able to do as i please again.

[enna]

Doing as you please will come, Kristen. Be patient and move through your grief. We are with you here on the forum.

Anne

[Cakes01]

Thank you Anne. That means so much to me. I get confused cause here i hear about being pataint and loving to myself. Also taking my time threw my grief, but honestly i don't feel like i have even really touched it yet. I feel like i'm in some form of disbelief. I don't have anyone here, but my therapist. My mother wants me to settle in here yet move and my step father wants me to get more jobs and get on with it. When they know i've been cryin they ask-what about a stronger anti-depressant? One month! One long, yet still only a month! Can't i just be sad!!?

[kayc]

You don't need a strong antidepressant just because they are uncomfortable with grief. We have to shed our tears, feel our pain, remember the memories and work THROUGH our grief; we can't just suppress/ignore it or it will affect us...undealt with grief is always still there waiting, we don't get the luxury of avoiding it. You don't sound depressed to me, you sound like you're grieving. You are undoubtedly still in that numb/shock stage where everything hasn't sunk in yet, that's common in the beginning, when you're ready your body will know it and let you be in touch with everything as needed.

Is the business in both your names or just your name? If both your names, you might want to start a new one that can't be affected by his "estate". I'd hate to see you build it up just to have her claim some of it. Have you talked to an attorney? (I know they're expensive...)

Being on your own is a good place of learning and discovery. It'd be good to have your own place, you'll know when you're ready, just don't be afraid. It'll all work out.

[Cakes01]

As grateful as i am to have a place to stay right now it can be so hard. They ask "so what's up?" Or "what did you do today-nothing?" I feel rushed and scared. I was reading and writting and just missing Marcus. It's like i can't have any time to do that. It's not like i'm eating them out of their house. I rarely come out of this one room and go for days at a time to do visits. I just need some time. I've never been on my own and was just beginning to feel the beauty of being with Marcus and as he had said many times "don't you see my love? You'll never again have to be alone." With little support-i just want some time. I miss him so much!!

The business was a partnership, but in my name now. I closed the joint account and took the 800 that Marcus kept in there. I put it into my new business account yesterday. That felt awesome. I know he would want me to have it to grow the business. I left that account alone because i didn't want to ruin any chance to talk with the girls-her seeing i took the money. After the texts on Monday i said to hell with this. Now the business and that money is mine.

Besides being with Marcus (obviously) i would love nothing more then to live on my own. I just don't have the money. I also don't have enough steady money coming in. I'm hoping to get a settlement from the accident. Not that any amount of money could replace or even ease the pain of not having Marcus here, but it hopefully would enable me to live on my own and make our dream of Remmie's Companion Care happen.

[kayc]

I think making Remmie's Companion Care happen is a goal to aspire to! And he would be so proud of you, seeing you live and function on your own, he will be on the sidelines, cheering for you!

Have you seen an attorney about the accident yet? Good luck

[Cakes01]

I'm trying. I handed out a few cards yesterday. I know i should be doing more, but honestly i just feel....so empty at times

Thank you i think he'll be proud of me too. It's sad though cause it was our dream. My passion and his business sense. It's a tangable link to him though and i know carrying out is the right thing.

My parents got me the family attorney after the accident. He is handling my divorce and the accident. I like him. Nice guy, but not a push over.

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear you have an attorney. It's hard to take care of anything when you're grieving. I made some real mistakes, I should have gotten an attorney and didn't. I paid off the hospital bills because they were hounding/intimidating me, turns out I wasn't responsible for them. I remortgaged my house to pay them, it'd been paid off before then. Right now I owe $94,000 and I once had it paid off...between George's hosp. bills and John's sticking me with his bills...it makes the difference between being able to retire...and not, between stress or not. If I had it to do over again, I would definitely hire an attorney, sometimes you're $ ahead in spite of their charges!

Just plug along, doing what you can...try not to let the grief immobilize you, but don't think you have to work like gangbusters either...a balance is needed. Keep being good to yourself, no self-recriminations, stand up for yourself, indulge yourself if you can. We don't have anyone else to indulge us and they would want us to!

[Cakes01]

I am very blessed to have my parents support. The lawyer was just up there on the top of the list after the accident. I just had too many legal things going on. Marcus was helping me with my divorce while working on his own. Now i need this lawyer. We don't really have anything, but we do have a house which he is living in. He wanted the house in exchange for giving me the car i've been driving and taking all the debt. I was going to walk away out of guilt, but Marcus was right. I should get what i'm legally entitled to. Turns out we don't owe nearly as much money as he was claiming. He is a good and nice guy, but i need any money i can get right now. I don't know of anyone who can afford to say "no, really that's ok. You take everything. I'll just start over on my own".

I'm so sorry you went threw all of that. That you still are. That would make me so angry! There's no way you could or can get the money back the money for George's hospital bills?

I'm not sure how to get that balance. Marcus and i talked about balance a lot. Like our tatoos. We balance eachother out. On our own though we struggled to be balanced. He took such good care of me and not just with material things. He knew me better then i knew myself. I'm sure you miss that with George too missing their physical bodies is so painful. I know they are still with us though.

When do you get your car back?

[kayc]

No, the $ for the hosp. bills is long gone. The $ to John is long gone. I was dumb and now I'm paying for it. I just don't want to see anyone else make the same mistakes.

They think I'll get the car back Tues. eve. I'll have to wait after work an hour to find out for sure before I can make the switch and go home.

[mfh]

Kristen, I am back home from my trip and have been reading your posts but not responding to the boards a lot as I only had my iPad with me. Regarding antidepressants...I suspect your parents are concerned that you are crying and just want to fix it. They apparently do not understand grief and that crying is healing but are frightened that you are so sad. Antidepressants are not necessarily helpful but if you feel you need them, and I do not hear you saying that, you might talk to your therapist and get some advice about how to deal with your parents desire for you to "be better". You might even invite them into a session and have her explain grief to them....but talk to her first. She will help you with this. They are just worried and feel. You could, with your therapist's help, reassure them that what you are feeling is normal and if your therapist supports you, you can tell them what your therapists says about antidepressants. They might hear it better from a professional. It is tough when family does not understand and get fearful.

Have you thought about doing a Facebook page for your business and gathering friends in your area...i.e. get them to LIKE the page...and post pictures etc. as a means of free advertising? There are many of these pages on Facebook.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[feralfae]

Mary, that is a brilliant idea about the Facebook page!

Some children nearby have a lawn care business all from their Facebook page and the cards they had their uncle print for them, and they are already booked on projects for the entire summer!

fae

[Cakes01]

Kay,

I'm sorry you can't get that money back. I know some will say it's only money, but as Marcus would say "Sadly money talks and makes the world go round".

Let me know how things are going and if you get your car back on Tuesday