How Do/did You Handle People Getting On With Their Lives?

[Cakes01]

Tomorrow will be only one month since my Marcus died yet i feel that people want me to just get over it. With that i watch while everyone just goes on with their lives. It hurts even though it's natural. Unreasonable or not i want to just scream "how can you just go on like nothing has happened!"

Was it difficult for you?

[feralfae]

Dear Kristen,

I think Marty can best direct you to a lot of helpful resources she has for us.

There is so much to say, and I will not say it as well as others have.

Be patient, dear one. You are very early in the journey. Ride the waves of emotional energy, and know that while those around you may or may not have grief, each person expresses it in their own way.

I think you need more compassion around you than you have. I hope you have located a grief support group near you, a place where you can be with people.

Bless you, dear Kristen, I know this is a terribly painful time for you.

Marty can show you resources, and if you look on some of the discussions, you will find lots of links to great material.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Here you go, Kristen:

Feeling Pressured to "Move On" in Grief

The Mystery of Letting Go

What Does "Letting Go" Mean?

The Luxury of Grief

[Cakes01]

Thank you Fae and Marty

The only group i found is in the hospital where Marcus was an EMT. Not sure if i want to go there.

I will look at these links though.

[kayc]

Was there noone that recognized your relationship and saw how happy you made him? Are you in a small town? Sounds like it. Yes we all had a hard time with the "get over it/move on" platitudes...even though we knew people meant well, it was still infuriating. I've tried to acknowledge people's well meaning while discarding the absurd message. Pretty tall order in the beginning though.

[Cakes01]

There were lots of people who saw us and new as a happy couple, but they still all support Jen and her anger towards me. Carmel is a small town and we lived in the town over Patterson. Now i'm 45 min away at my parents house. I still have pet sitting visits up there, but mainly try to save money on gas and stay down here with my little crazy head (Luna) as Marcus sometimes called her. No one around here even knows me let alone me and Marcus together. We did come here with the girls for Christmas and met a few family members of mine and lots of my step fathers. No one has even said sorry or anything. Haven't even recognized that he died. Makes me mad. He was nothing, but nice and respectful to everyone. My parents work and most of the time it's just me and Luna oh and i have this site with you. Other then that i'm on my own :(

[kayc]

Kristen, I am so sorry, I know that has to hurt. I at least have my sisters and kids and can talk to them...I could talk to my mom before she got Dementia so bad but now I can't talk to her about anything. Everyone loved George.

I'm kind of a private person and don't usually share my business (you couldn't tell it by this forum! Haha, you guys are different, it's small town people I'm cautious of) but I was surprised at the lack of response in my neighborhood (I had lived there 28 years when George passed away). My pastor went on vacation the day after he died but the church secretary was immeasurable help and I got our interim pastor to come back and do George's funeral, they had hit it off real well and we'd had them for a year and even socialized together, so it worked out well.

I got some grief counseling when he passed, but there were no support groups locally...is there a grief counselor there? There are some good books too although I had a hard time focusing.

[Cakes01]

I'm so glad you have your sisters and kids to talk to. I'm so sorry about your mom i can't even begin to imagine how hard that is to watch. Does your mom live close to you? I am seeing the therapist that Marcus had come to me with. I feel better after spending an hour with her cause she knew how much we loved eachother and knew our whole stories. Just wish it was more then once a week. I did get a book which arrived right after i was done texting Marcus's bitch sister. It's called I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. The reviews lead me to believe it could be helpful for me. Well see though.

[kayc]

Try to remember what you had together and keep in mind that you do not need outside validation of your relationship for it to be real or significant. Your parents want you to move on from the toxic people that are trying to get you down and I think they're right, but I hope at the same time they are supportive of you with all you are going through and what you have experienced and are feeling.

My mom is a whole story in herself, we aren't close, she was always mental and abusive, but it doesn't take away from what us kids have gone through watching her get Dementia. She is two hours away from me, I try to see her once a week and I care about her even if she wasn't a good mom. George was so good with her, he knew how to handle her and honestly loved her, I never understood that, but I'm glad for it.

I don't remember that book, it's been so long since I read the books after he died, but others here may have heard of it.

[KATPILOT]

This topic hits so close to my heart. It is quite hard to deal with grief when others around you grieve at different levels and different intensities over the same person. But you loved your husband or wife so far deeper than anyone around you can understand and they loved you more than any other living soul as well. I received a handbook in the mail from Hospice soon after Kathy died and I went on to buy several copies for family who I thought might get comfort from it. I think I was the only one to read it. (many times).

I remember when I had to tell her dad that she was gone. I never heard him cry before. Her sister went on a golf trip and I never saw her sad even to this day. Hey, it's the person.........they were both adopted. My sister knew what I was going through and called me often to make sure I was okay or at least to offer her shoulder. My brother once told me when I was talking about Kathy and how I missed her (this was in my own house by the way). He said "yeah I know, you already told us. Funny, I don't talk to him anymore.....

One day when I got home from work, Kathy said "I want you to watch this, I recorded it from Oprah today" It was about how negative people bring you down and you need, you must, get away from them. The negative energy will just hurt you.

I think it helps to try and be around the people worth being around. I do this and it helps although sometimes I run into "There is this lady you just have to meet" Oh Lord!

[kayc]

The thing people don't understand is, when you make a comment like "Yeah I know, you already told us", that invalidates what you're saying as if it's of no consequence. People need to realize either they are making supportive comments or invalidating us and our feelings. When you make light of what I'm going through/saying/feeling, it's a shoot-down...we need to avoid such people ESPECIALLY when we're newly grieving...we just don't need it. We need to spend our time with positive influences, people who validate us, get us, support us, and can really hear what we're saying. They need not fully understand or grasp what we're going through (we don't want them to lose their spouse just so they can relate to us), but they DO need to listen, care, be there, and if nothing else, just don't say something stupid! Maybe at funerals they should pass out tape, so people will have it to put over their mouths, because they're so good at opening them and letting the verbage spill out!

You know, George would be flabbergasted to learn what happened after he died...that his brother tried to get his coin collection for his own son that George didn't even know (George didn't even have it anymore but he had his own son and stepson if he would have had it), that his "best friends" stole his ring I gave him for a wedding present, got the tools from his workplace (my son showed up to pick them up and they'd already given them to LeRoy!), and tried to get his car from me (I still owed $ on it). That his other friend Rick & wife moved, changed number, didn't stay in touch (for that matter, neither did LeRoy and his wife). That I didn't hear from his brothers and sisters again. That his own dad didn't bother attending his funeral. That out of the remaining nine brothers & sisters, only three showed up at his funeral. That his good friend Dan from church finished his building project (he'd just torn down the ramp and rails to replace them). That one of the church elders wouldn't help me unclog the sink but this same Dan did and made him help him too! That our pastor went on vacation the next morning like nothing happened, but Dan's wife, Rose (church secretary) helped me plan the service and our former interim pastor held the funeral. That my family all attended the funeral, even those that weren't church goers. That our BIL Bert was even going to buy a suit for it (he NEVER wears a suit) until I let him off the hook and told him George wouldn't wear a suit for him! That his so called friend John went through the pretense of a marriage just to con and take me for everything. That Virgie, that brought him colas in the hospital when I was gone, became my best friend and is to this day. Funny how the people you would have thought would have been there for you weren't and others you never dreamed would be there, are. I know one thing, death lets you know who your true friends/family are.

[Cakes01]

Katpilot,

I'm sorry you're not talking with your brother anymore, but can definately understand why. I don't know if you read it, but i wrote about a client of mine had invited me over for coffee and she was always nice to me and had been divorced and just found someone new. I couldn't believe when she told me "when i find the right one i'll know why Marcus died" what!? Really!? Later she texted me and asked if i had any male friends to hang out with to keep me happy. I haven't spoken to her since.

Kay,

I'm with you on the tape!

[Cakes01]

Kay,

It's so nice that George was so good to her. As you already know he did that because he loved you. Again you are lucky to have siblings. I don't. I know you're right about not needing validation of our relationship.It's just that it would feel nice for someone to say sorry to me. He was/is still my everything. I do get that here and from my therapist and i'm extremely grateful. It's really hard knowing so many people hate and blame me when all Marcus wanted was for us to be accepted as the loving couple we were. Perfect no, but perfect for eachother.

[kayc]

You know, Kristen, we know when we had "the" relationship...just like last night when the eBay guy mentioned George's name and immediately, my voice softened and I smiled...God how I miss him! If I could just have him back for one minute I'd just hold him.

[Cakes01]

I so love when i get signs like that. Must have felt so nice

[Cakes01]

I'm very appreciative of any articles about this topic, yet still very interested as to how all of you handled it and felt. i'm sitting here waiting for my pizza. I'm feeling lost without Marcus. i' happy others are happy, but at the same time i feel like talking all about him. i want to scream HE'S NOT GONE! I miss all of him!

[LindaG]

The best advice I can give to you about this topic is to read. It drove me nuts when my husbands family were trick or treating a week after his funeral with their kids. I was actually sick to my stomach. They gathered for Thanksgiving a month after and did not invite or even call. It is common. People deal with things in a variety of ways. Trying to go back to normalcy if they are a bit removed seems to be a common thing.

As you go forward - do what you are comfortable doing. Don't let anyone talk you into anything that feels like it will be too much. I learned to say NO at 48. It's okay.

Prayers.

- Linda G

[Cakes01]

Hi Linda

I'm so sorry i didn't see this till now. Thank you for your advice. Saying no is something i too am now learning to do. You sometimes have to, right? Thanks again

[MartyT]

You might find this article helpful: I Don't Care How Long It's Been--Can We Talk About My Loved One? ♥

[kayc]

Kristen,

I really learned to stand up for myself when George died. Somewhere deep inside I think we find them encouraging and supporting us!

[Cakes01]

I agree Kay. Anytime i feel a bit motivated to get something done i feel it's MM "kicking my butt"