Helping A Friend

[gusdet]

My best friend suddenly lost her father about 6 months ago. Due to our bond, it was pretty rough for me at first (I still get sick thinking about it), but these past 6 months have been infinitely more rough for her and all I want to do is help her get through this, but I am not sure what to do.

A little background- she started her first full time job in July and then her father passed away right before Thanksgiving. Since Thanksgiving her mother has been making her come home every time she has off of work (I should specify that her mother is in her early 50's and not handicapped and is able to take care of herself... thankfully home is only about 1 hour from where she lives and works). Lately she has been telling me how worn out she is from never getting a break and she has been starting to become withdrawn. I have suggested that she talk with her mother about how worn out she is and that she needs some time to herself. I have also suggested that seeing a grief counselor may help. With the first suggestion she said that her mother yells at her when she tries to stay at her own place when she has time off. And then to my second suggestion she says that not only does she not want help from a counselor, but that because she never has time to herself, she can never see a counselor.

I am just so insanely worried about her and I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any good suggestion? She is my best friend and I fear that she is going to burn out. I really appreciate it.

[kayc]

This is so unfair to your friend, and she really does need to talk to her mom about it. Her mom can't make her responsible for her own grief, she needs to do her own grief work herself.

I lost my husband nearly eight years ago and my daughter was staying with me temporarily when it happened. It wasn't long and she was spending time with her friends and eventually staying with them. This is as it should be. Did I feel ready for her to leave? No. But then if she'd kept staying with me, I probably wouldn't have done my grief work like I should have, I probably would have projected too much on her...NOT healthy for her, and not what would be best for me either!

I hope your friend will strongly encourage her mom to get some grief counseling and joint a grief support group. You can check on line for local phone numbers or contact hospice or a hospital for suggestions of where to start. And above all, your friend needs to take time for herself and not feel responsible for her mom. It is good for her to give her an allotted amount of time but her mom is responsible for her own well being and mental health.

You can help your friend by encouraging her and letting her talk to you and also helping her get away for some age-appropriate times of fun and relaxation.

[MartyT]

Dear one, you are a good friend to be so concerned.

I agree with Kay's suggestions, and would like to add a thought or two.

Since your friend's mom is so reluctant to see a grief counselor or to join a grief support group, you might suggest that your friend encourage her mom to do so by offering to accompany her to such a meeting ~ then let the counselor assess the situation and perhaps be in a better position to persuade her to continue. (See my article, Helping a Grieving Parent, for more about this.)

I'd also like to point you to some resources that may be helpful (see below). You could print out some of these articles and give them to your friend so she and her mom could read them. Be sure to follow the links to additional articles embedded in the posts as well. I also encourage you to read the articles yourself, so you'll have a better idea of why you're recommending them to your friend.

Helping a Grieving Parent

Helping Another in Grief

Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?

Me? Need a Hospice Bereavement Counselor? No Way!

Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You

Grief Support Groups: What Are the Benefits?

Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support

[gusdet]

Thank you very much for your responses. I get worried sick about her every day. It pains me to see that she is already depressed about losing her father and having to deal with everything else on top of that just exaggerates everything.

Up until this event I've been lucky enough not to have experienced death in my life, but since then I've realized just how insanely difficult it is. I give so much credit to all of you who have gone through bereavement and I thank you again for your advice.

[kayc]

Big thanks to Marty for posting all those links, I hope they are of some help to her. You're right, gusdet, she is dealing with her own grieving and doesn't need all that on top of it.

[gusdet]

It actually seems to be getting progressively worse unfortunately. She told me the other day that everyone should "just go shove it" and that she wants to be left alone. I can tell she is extremely depressed. I've tried some of the things on the list above, but to no avail still saying that she has no time and doesn't need it. I know she is not going to hurt herself thankfully, but it's very concerning that it might start affecting her work. It has already started affecting her interpersonal relationships.

[kayc]

It is very understandable. Grief is just a hard thing to go through and everyone seems to wing a different path. Hang in there.

[gusdet]

It's almost approaching 9 months of him being gone. It is just so surreal.

It pains me so much to see what she is going through and I feel so utterly helpless. Her mom cancelled her vacation that she was looking forward to (and took time off of work for) two days before she was supposed to leave. She was so devastated. She told me that the week she spent at home was absolutely miserable because her mom was "blaming (her) for everything" and complaining the whole time. She's been going downhill ever since. Her mom told her that "when one spouse dies, the other usually dies soon afterwards." This got me extremely concerned. I tried in the best way to suggest she speak with her mom about speaking to someone, but was told that it is none of my business (in a very angry, harsh tone). She constantly tells me that her mom is not giving her a rest and is constantly freaking out on her. She recently broke up with her boyfriend. She told me that she can't deal with taking care of her mom, going to work, and having a relationship.

I've tried to do some things that have been suggested. I've told her that I am here to be a listening ear, but she says that she doesn't want to talk to anyone. She's also been telling me that she is angry all the time. I told her that there is nothing wrong with being angry.

I just feel so incredibly horrible for her. Every day I wish there was something that I could do that would help her. It's just so unfair for her what she is dealing with.

Thanks for being a listening ear everyone.

[niamh]

hi gusdet,

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend's Dad and the pain she is going through. Your posts remind me very very much of what my friends have been through and possibly continue to go through with me. I lost my Dad suddenly 3.5 years ago (you will see A LOT) of posts on here from me.

Withdrawing is something I did VERY much the first 2 years, came out a little after that. Time and time again people mentioned counselling to me but I was never open to it. I wrote a lot on here and it helped me hugely just talking to others who "get it". But like your friend I refused to talk to a counsellor and eventually most stopped saying it to me. I needed to deal with everything my way , in my time.

I think they only thing you can really do for your friend is be there when she reaches out, DO NOT give up on her. If she withdraws, let her withdraw but maintain some contact whether it's email, text, voicemails just letting her know you are thinking of her and are there to listen. That meant the world to me at the time. Those real true friends never gave up on me, they pushed through but they also let me pull back when I needed without taking it personally or taking offence and deciding to cut me off. There is absolutely no time frame on any of this unfortunately, each person will deal with their grief so differently.

one of the main things I truly respected and appreciated was my friends not suggesting anything to me, while I know they wanted to they bit their tongues because it was too much for me to have people "trying to fix me". Although I totally understood it was coming from a place of love, nobody knew or knows exactly what I was and am going through so I just needed them to listen, be there and NOT GIVE UP on me.

While you might actually feel like you are helpless and can't do anything to "help", the fact is you are looking into grief and how to help, and you are there for her. Helping someone doesn't always actually mean you have to do something active with an actual result on her part. This is a situation that nobody on this earth can actually "fix" because nobody can bring back her Dad & I would think that's about all she wants right now.

The only suggestion I would make to her is to have a look at some grief forums such as there, it's easy and safe and one can come here when they want in their own time, write when they want, stay away when they want, or simply just read and see what others are going through.

It's taken me 3.5 years but I finally did actually go to a grief counsellor 10 days ago and I have had 2 sessions & plan to continue once a week. But I had to do this in my own time when I wanted not on anyone else's schedule. It's certainly been an eye opener for me and believe me I read everything there was to read on grief, loss etc. But going to the counsellor has definitely raised some things that I was NEVER aware of and most likely could not have discovered on my own. However I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I was most likely NOT READY for it the last 3.5 years.

So hang tough with your friend and just be there for her.

please feel free to ask me anything, I feel I can very much relate to what you describe what your friend is going through. And remember you really are helping by what you are already doing although it doesn't feel like it to you.

Wishing you all the best

Niamh

[MartyT]

Niamh, my dear, I just want to thank you for sharing with all of us what you've said in this post. It was very brave and generous of you to do so, and I'm sure it will be helpful to many. ♥

[kayc]

Sometimes when someone is grieving they strike out at the person closest to them, and in this case her mom is probably doing so to her. There isn't rhyme or reason, she is just reacting according to her feelings, which are really helter skelter right now. Very few actually die from losing someone, if so, I would have died eight years ago when I lost the love of my life. I wouldn't worry about her losing her mom right now. And she knows she isn't to blame, so I hope she can just let go of that. It'd help if she could recognize it for what it is, her mom lashing out, and realize that the truth behind those comments is that her mom feels comfortable enough with her to let her nasty out, and that her mom seems to have a need to lash out so she's filling that spot for her. I would take it in light of that only so long as I felt I could...if it were getting to me and I was personalizing it I would have to stand up for myself and say something. Often the person grieving doesn't hear you though as they can only see/feel the pain that they're in. In the middle of all of this, your friend is grieving too and needs to have some time to do so. I'm glad she has you there for her.

[gusdet]

Thank you for your responses. I know one of the worst things you can do is rush grieving, which is definitely not what I want to do. I've tried to become acutely aware in what I say. I almost said one thing last night and then I realized that it might sound like I am trying to rush things.

My main concern above all else is just really how she is being treated by her mom. It feels like her mom is just not being fair to her and her mom is bringing my friend down with her. And I worry that this is going to keep on going on and that somebody is going to implode and it is not going to end well. I don't know if I am being unfounded in my worrying or what.

Thanks again for listening.

[kayc]

When she tells you about her mom's lashing out at her, you might respond that it is not uncommon for people to lash out at those who are the closest and they feel the most comfortable with. I know it's little consolation, but perhaps it could help her to realize it's her mom's deal, and has nothing really to do with her. It's hard to separate the two when going through it. After all, she is grieving too...perhaps she needs to remind her mom of that.

I'm sorry her mom canceled on her. I'm glad she has you. You're definitely a caring friend.

[niamh]

Niamh, my dear, I just want to thank you for sharing with all of us what you've said in this post. It was very brave and generous of you to do so, and I'm sure it will be helpful to many. ♥

thanks as always for your kind words Marty, <3

[gusdet]

Update:

Thanks everyone for the advice. Unfortunately everything has come crashing down.

The other day she was telling me how she's been getting irritated at the people at work and her boss has told her she needs a rest. Since it seems to now have started affecting her work, I once again brought up speaking to someone. I've been really concerned the whole time about her and I grew more concerned when I found out that it has started affecting work. However upon the suggestion she immediately blew up at me and told me that it is none of my business and that it is extremely rude for me to bring up the suggestion. She said she is an adult that can manage her own life and that she doesn't need anyone helping her. She then told me that we can no longer be friends anymore.

I've heeded her request and have not been talking to her. I'd rather err on the side of caution and respect what she wants and not push anything. I am just so concerned and I honestly don't know what to do. I know she is not going to hurt herself, but I can't help not being concerned about her.

Thanks again for listening.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry it has you at the brunt, but if it's affecting her work, it may take something like her boss telling her to take an unpaid leave of absence or worse yet, firing her before she "gets it" and realizes she needs help...and seeks it.

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. I think you're doing the right thing. I hope if/when she sees things as they truly are, she'll reach out to you as a friend once again, I'm sure your patience and understanding will still be there for her.

[gusdet]

Thanks for the response KayC. As always, you have been more than helpful.

I know not to take offense to it. It just makes me really sad what's happened to her. I felt something was not right at the beginning of the year and suggested help then in order to prevent this kind of stuff and she refused and now that it is affecting her personal and work lives, I wish I could go back in time and convince her.

I guess this is part of the denial?

[kayc]

I don't know about denial, but it's understandable that you wish it'd taken a different turn or that you could have changed the outcome somehow. It's important to keep in mind that this is something you had no control over, so the outcome lies with her alone.