Lost My Mom..trauma...possible Ptsd?

[bonopeart]

Hey folks:

In February....Feb 19...14 days after her 74th birthday, my Mom passed. So....here is the full story. I am sorry this is so long, but I feel the need to get it down somewhere. I hope you folks will forgive me.

Last November, she had a major stroke..possibly a few. That was terror just having that happen...my poor Mom was just bleeding and they finally operated and clamped the anuerism in her brain. Then she started to get better, and they moved her up from ICU to Brain Injury pre-rehab at Hamilton (Ontario, Canada) General. Then they did another CAT scan and MRI, and saw they didn't clamp the original rupture properly. They had to go back in and re-clamp it. So I signed for this procedure, and prayed for little miracles. Then, a few days after she is recouping from this in ICU, and develops an infection in her brain, right where they had a catheter (drain) to relieve the pressure build-up she was consistently having. I took my Dad up daily since that November day...no sometimes it was every second day, because my Dad has dialysis. Meanwhile, a huge feud began with my older sister and I, because my Mom had named me as the Power of Attorney after my Dad. (And my Dad was in no condition to understand the crucial medical procedures to consent for.) So, my lovely sister starts talking to all of the nurses, and she basically wanted to get my Mom moved to a Nursing Home close to *her* (near Guelph), and starts telling me things are going to be *this* way, and that my Dad should be put in a Nursing Home (treating him like he was 5 years old)...so finnaly I slammed my foot in there...telling her NO decisions will be made until down the road, and we see what happens when my Mom could talk again, and some hospital therapy happened, which would likely take a minimum of a few more months. I've worked in group homes with seniors for over 20 years, including seniors who had strokes and brain injuries. Not that I knew *everything*, but I was quite competent and doing a very good job keeping on top of every single med my Mom was on, documenting how she slept every night, her bp and heart and temperature,etc. Well, she was coming along, again, and they decided to move her from Hamilton ICU to St. Catharines. I objected...but the hospital didn't care about that. So, they transfered her by air, and hence to say, most of her January 2013 stay here in St. Catharines was actually with progress. Then in the first week of Feb, they took her out of ICU, and moved her to a more casual care floor. Now she was starting to talk again...but I still went up almost every night to feed her supper. She was slowly coming along with some physio too. Then, one afternoon, they put her up in a wheelchair, which they always have been doing, but some nurse, whomever, didn't strap her into the wheelchair. Apparently it looked like my Mom went to reach out for the physio exercise machine, and my Mom got up out of the chair, took a few steps, and fell and landed straight on the top right side of her head. They rushed her back to Hamilton, and found all sorts of further major inner brain bleeding/damage, and she had two bumps on the side of her face the size of pool table balls. The head doctor brought us into a meeting with his staff, and they said if they kept the life support on, and she actually lived through this, she would be in a vegatative state, in lots of consistent pain. So, with my Dad and I (and my Dad made the final decision, and of course I agreed 100 percent, and wanted him to be the one to do so out of deep respect...which was the hardest thing in my life.) a Priest was brought up, and before they asked us to step behind the curtain, kissed and took my Mom's cheek and told her I would be with her forever in her and my heart. Then, we stepped back, they shut the machines off, and stepped forward again...and that was it...she was gone.

Again, I am sorry for the length.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Death always seems premature, no matter when it comes, we want more time with them. I'm sorry for what you've been going through with your sister too. Illness/death seems to bring out the worst in people, I've seen it happen. It helps to try to see some things that both you and your sister agree on...you both love your mom and wanted what you felt was best for her...you just disagreed about what it was. Whether it was a power struggle or what I don't know, but if you can let it go and move forward with your sister, that would be good. Someday your sister will be all that is left, it'd be easier if your parents knew things would work out between the two of you. Of course, this involves not just you but her and you can't control the other person, all you can do is make conciliatory efforts, you don't have control over whether they're accepted or reciprocated. But I hope for that for both of you.

How is your dad doing? This has to be so hard for him. Do you live near him so you can visit him often? It sounds like your years of experience is very helpful in knowing how to deal with your parents aging. Are you a nurse or caretaker?

[Jsph110]

"In February....Feb 19...14 days after her 74th birthday, my Mom passed"

wow, your mum was blessed with a long life.

[kayc]

It's never long enough. (((hugs)))

[DeeU]

It is so very difficult when a trauma occurs near the end of life (like a fall, head injury, broken bone, etc). It can feel like our loved one is suddenly "snatched" from us with hardly any time to wrap our heads around what has happened. It sounds like the last several weeks of mom's life were stressful for you on many levels. Family dynamics just being one. I hope you can disentangle from all of these uncontrollable events near the end of mom's life and hone in on your grief of not having her physically with you now. The reality of this will gently unfold over the next several weeks and months. I encourage you to continue to write on the forum and also find a supportive person with whom you can talk. Love, Dee