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LisaAnnB

Hitting The 6 Month Mark Since Dad's Passing

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Memorial weekend will mark the 6 month mark since Dad's death. A bit of an ironic "holiday" this year I think. As we'll be trying to visit all our other families' graves we'll also be getting ready to have Dad's headstone finally put on the grave. That seems to be like a final marker for me at least-so far all that marks his "spot" is a metal butterfly garden stake I put there & the broken sod; sometimes I could drive to that cemetary to visit other graves & pretend his didn't exist so it must not be true, right?

I'd thought I was doing Sooo good with this grief stuff, even thinking that I didn't really need the very mild anti depressant the dr. gave me. Nope. Now I am to the point where I am going to look for a counselor. I have developed a lot of anger towards people since some of my closest friends have shown that they're not good dealing with "people like me"-I STILL keep getting told to "quit talking about your Dad, he's dead. Is there anything really to talk about?" by a "close friend" & co-worker I even considered a brother. He even told me since I came back to work the day after the funeral that it couldn't have been that bad if I came back that soon. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back that week but we depend on every dime & hour of my paycheck. I'm dealing with so much stress & issues at work that there is anger from that. Mom's has declined to the point where we are discussing other living options & knowing that in the next few months we will be selling Mom & Dad's house of almost 50 years & moving her & dealing with that.

My only daughter gets married next summer & she wanted her Grandpa there so much-that's the one thing she'd ever dreamed of: dancing with Grandpa at her wedding. She & her fiance even went to the grave [how I have come to HATE that word!] & "told Grandpa we have to do this without him". I WANTED MY DAD THERE to see his favorite grand child walk down that aisle. Even as he recovered from his stroke he'd tell me "I know Allie's going to be a bride someday and I'll be there to walk her down to meet that boy.I promise you." My parents helped me raise her until she was 6 & out of all 18 grandchildren she was his favorite.

I still cry every night.I relive that whole last week constantly-I am so afraid I'm forgetting the sound of his voice & the touch of his hand. And I'm angry at myself for not knowing my Dad better when he was alive-I'm learning more about him from my siblings, stuff I never even knew about him & I get so mad at myself for not knowing more-why didn't I push him to talk to me more?!! with me he was quiet & would show me things more & tell me he liked just sitting without saying anything why the hell didn't I make him talk? Why was I so d*** selfish to just accept his not talking?!!!!! I was his last daughter-I should have done more!!!!

I don't tell my husband any of this-he has to listen enough to my venting about my job & dealing with Mom's situation. This is MY pain. I just want him back. I want my Mom back to before the dementia invaded her body. I want to hold his hand one more time. And I thought all this grief stuff would be over by now.

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Dear LisaAnnB,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your Dad whom you loved. Although he could not hold on to be there to walk your daughter down the aisle, I know he will be there in spirit, and with you the entire happy day.

This is a good place to vent. Vent as much as you need to. I am sorry your friends at work are not more support, and of course thinking about and preparing to sell the family home, find another place for your Mother, and not having your Dad around for wonderful times of sitting in silence with each other makes the loss of your Dad that much harder to bear.

I would respond more, but am not typing well today.

I hope you find some peace in your heart, and that you can use this forum as a place to share with others and know that we are here, even if it sometimes takes a bit for us to respond.

Peace to you, dear one.

Blessings,

fae

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Lisa,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure by now you've realized that some people aren't very good at responding to grief, they just haven't a clue how/where to start. And they say stupid inappropriate things. They don't seem to have it in them to give what it is we need from them right now. It helps to look elsewhere for support, from those who "get it", like here, grief support groups, counseling, or others who have been through it. In time you'll be able to realize that some of these people that let you down were your friends in some ways but not in all ways and you'll be in a better place to determine whether you want to continue those friendships or not. Most of us came to recognize that we needed to be around positive people, not people who let us down, esp. in the earlier grieving days. It takes a lot of energy to grieve.

I'm sorry you won't be able to see your dad walk your daughter down the aisle...this is one of those secondary losses, of which there are so many. We have to grieve each one as it comes.

As fae said, know your dad is with you, even on that special day, right inside your heart, and reach for him inside.

Grief is an ongoing process that is ever evolving. It knows it's own schedule and way.

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Lisa, my dear, I'm so sorry that your beloved dad won't be present physically at your daughter's wedding ~ but that does not mean that you and your daughter cannot find ways to include him anyway.

The blog What's Your Grief recently offered a wonderful series on planning a wedding after a loss, and I encourage you to read the following, which I hope will offer you some creative and touching ways to include your dad ~ the grandfather of the bride ~ and make your daughter's special day even more meaningful for both of you:

Your Wedding Day After a Loss

Remembering at Receptions

Wedding Day Advice: A Journal Exercise

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Now this weekend it has been finally decided to move Mom to an assisted living facility that can better handle her increased dementia. Her dr. says it's becoming more severe. None of us realized how much Dad must have been helping her keep it together so that we couldn't see how bad she'd gotten. Physically she was pretty good so she could compensate for his bad physical health & mentally he wasn't too bad so he could handle her stuff. So, on top of losing Dad we're slowly losing our Mother too. She's 84 on Tuesday but she may as well be 5.

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Lisa,

My mom is in Dementia care. It was such a relief to us when at last there was an opening, for she needed to be watched 24/7 and they have her in a lock down facility for her own safety. We are able to take her out to eat, we make it short and simple as we never know how it's going to go, but it helps her, I think, to get out now and then. She has shown some sign of relief to no longer have to worry about cooking and bills and such, as she can't grasp the most elementary things anymore. It's nice to know that no longer will someone call the police or fire dept. because she's done something unsafe. My mom had lived in the same house for 59 years and clung to it with a death grip! Oddly enough, when she moved, I thought it would be a really hard adjustment to her but it wasn't. She referred to her beloved home as "that other place that I lived" and never seemed to miss it! That is the blessed side of dementia.

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