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I am immensely and utterly broken, numb, lost...

Tuesday night my Leo had a MASSIVE stroke. I have been literally sitting vigil at his bedside in ICU until three this afternoon. He has never had as massive a stroke as this one. :(

They went in to relieve pressure on his brain because of it. That was very early in the wee hours Wednesday morning. He has not awoken. He has not responded in any way. I have talked to him. I have held his hand. I have prayed to God while holding him as close as they would let me. I have cried. I have held his hand to my cheek and to my heart. But no response. :(

I had to leave because I am so exhausted and began running a temp today. It broke my soul to walk away from him.

Please please please if you believe in prayer, please pray for him. Please ask that The Lord help him come through this. I can't bear the thought of losing him. But I don't want him suffering either. :(

Our last two conversations were bad... I have been kind of pulling back from not only him but everything. Scared. And he has been so adamant about coming home. :(

I stressed him.

I have to continue my fight next week. I have to be healthy though. But how? How can I do both. How can I not be with him? I need him to wake up.

My BIL is with him tonight. My SIL is with me. She is insisting I try to sleep. My psychiatrist added a dose of Ativan for my nerves. I will try to rest...

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I am so sorry to hear this news, Shannon. You are in my prayers as is your dear Leo. I hope you can feel the love that is coming your way and feel all the arms around you at this time. Anne

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Dearest Shannon,

I hold you close in my heart, dear one. You are bearing more than anyone should bear.

As always, every day, I continue to hold Leo and you up in prayer.

I am sending you all the love and peace and healing I can send, dear Shannon. I am holding you so very close in my heart, and I hope you can feel my arms around you, as you go through this time of incredible sadness, hope, and faith.

We are all praying for Leo and for you, dear One.

Many blessings, and more {{{Hugs}}} and

*<twinkles>*

Much Love, dear Shannon, and thank you for letting us know. We all love you so very much.

fae

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Oh my heart... Thank you ladies for your lve and prayers.

I spent time at the oncologists office getting bloodwork, getting blood, and getting an injection to boost my bone marrow to help fight the infection I have again and any in the future.

While my honey was transported to a larger hospital with no change. No response at all. At some point enough time will pass when they will be doing a nuclear medicine bran scan for brain activity. I can't bear the thought of this. I can't be with him while I am sick. But he's on life support. I need to be there. I feel so helpless. I can't let go of hope that his brain will recover. I can't give up yet.

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Shannon, I am so sorry to hear this horrific news, and just at a time when you are fighting the battle of your life. You certainly have my prayers, you and Leo both, bless your SIL and BIL, they are truly angels on Earth. My grandmother had a massive stroke and couldn't respond, and every day my grandpa would come sit with her, hold her hand, stroke her hair, tell her about the grandkids, show her cards and read them to her, never knowing if she could hear but on the off chance that she could, to me this was true love demonstrated. Please keep us posted when you know more, we'll keep you in prayer.

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Sadly, he has a DNR order. That has always been his wish. If he does not improve in a certain time and then has no brain activity, then I know what I must do.

This is destroying me. This is my worst fear. This was his worst fear.

:(

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Dearest Shannon, dear heart,

I am so very sorry for this time of grief and sadness, pain and sorrow that you are going through right now.

I am writing this with tears streaming down my face this Saturday morning.

I hold you very close, dear one. I know a little of how you must be feeling. Although I was also very ill, I was not as ill as you are now. Doug also had DNR orders in place.

When I knew he was leaving, I changed completely. Instead of tryng to save him, or even worrying about trying to save him, I spent the last 48 hours reading our favorite poem of goodbye to him, holding his had, holding him in my arms, telling him over and over how very much I loved him, and helping him to know that he was going to see his Mom, Dad, his brother Bruce, his climbing friends (who were like brothers, only closer) who had already gone before him, and telling him many, many times how much I loved him and how lucky, blessed, and happy I was to have him in my life and heart. I thanked him many times for being my magnificent and wonderful husband.

If you are allowed by your doctors, and if you have the energy, you might want to go see him when you are stronger, and tell him the things that are in your heart, as you also say, "See you later." because I know that we will meet our Beloved again. One of the last things Doug and I talked about was our next meeting, and how happy we would be then.

Even if Leo is unconscious, even if he is in a deep coma, he will still hear you, and his heart will still know. And if you are simply too sick and weak to go see him where he is, then send loving messages from your heart to his, and he will hear you. You are connected to Leo by golden threads of love. You are connected by the love in your hearts. That cannot and will not change, ever.

I hope you can find some peace in this day, that you can sit or lie down and open your heart, and let your messages of love and gratitude flow from your heart to Leo's. Love is not confined by the rules of space/time. No matter where you are or what you are doing, if you focus on sending love to Leo, he will know.

I am so very sorry for this time, dear Shannon. I send many hugs {{{hugs}}} and I send you all loving good wishes for peace and for being able to feel your love for Leo, and send it to him, and to feel Leo's love for you, and to open your heart to receive his love, even if he is not in your presence. He will feel your love. You will feel his love. That is all that really matters.

Blessings, more {{{hugs}}} and much, much love,

fae

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Dear Shannon, I am so very sorry. I can't express how sorry I am that Leo has had a massive stroke and is unresponsive, that you are fighting infection and well, the whole situation. You keep on going and I so admire that in you. You said Leo has a DNR and that you will, of course, honor that should the time come to do so. I can't imagine, or can I, how difficult all is this. I am relieve to know you have two angels (BIL and SIL) with you and with Leo. I know leaving him at the hospital had to be the most difficult thing you have been called upon to do. I hope that when you said you "stressed him" that you are not blaming yourself for anything. You are in crisis yourself and doing your very best to juggle all of this. Know you are doing your very best given these circumstances.

Please know you both are in my prayers and thoughts. I have been looking for posts from you and though I am relieved to see these posts, I am saddened by what you are going through...such a huge load to carry. Do keep us informed as you can. I know you start chemo again next week and I do hope this round does not leave you so sick as the first did. You don't need that right now.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,

Mary

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We're all sending prayers, love and blessings to you and your beloved, dear Shannon.

Fae, your beautiful message to Shannon brings to mind one of my favorite children's books, The Invisible String by Patrice Karst:

People who love each other are always connected by a very special String, made of love. Even though you can't see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love.

We are connected to you, too, dear Shannon, by a string made of love and compassion and support, and I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that you are not alone.

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My dear Shannon,

Everyone here has responded with the words I would tell you already, I wish right now I could just put my arms around you and hold you. I know that goodbyes are hard. I didn't get to say "goodbye" to George when he was alive, but this good place helped me afterwards. Someone once wrote they didn't want to say goodbye but "see you later". I like that a lot better. I know that death is a mere passage, a change of energy, a new place for our loved ones, a waiting place for us. I know that time that seemed always to stretch for us, has a way of passing and we'll be together again, and that in the overall scheme of things, our lives here are but a mere vapor. I also know how slow the clock seems to tick when we're waiting. If I thought for one second that this life was all there was, I would be inconsolable. But I have this hope within me, this deep faith, that I will be together with George again. Just as surely I know that when Leo's time comes to be released to that next place, you will be with him there once again, never to be separated again. I would give all that I possess or could ever hope to have, just to be in my George's arms again...and I know that I shall. We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, were only married 3 years 8 months and I hear of some here married 40, 50 years, and I wonder why couldn't we have had that long, but I know we aren't promised a certain number of years, and I know it wouldn't be any consolation when the day came to part. No matter how long, no matter when it occurs, we don't want that. But I have learned one thing, and that is, death has not severed our love for each other, this bond that we have. My eyes form tears just thinking about the incredible love we have shared, and how blessed we were to have had that...so many never did. Whatever comes, dear Shannon, you have us to journey with you, and you have your blessed SIL and BIL there with you. My prayers continue with you and with Leo...

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I am sorry. I am finding words difficult to find right now. How much all of your words of support mean so very much to me... Yet I am utterly speechless. :(

I have literally been in bed. Moving eating or anything is just too hard. I know I cannot be at the hospital while I am running a temp. I cannot be in ICU while running a temp.

What is very difficult is that Leo ordered our BIL to make that final decision on following through on his last wishes. He did not want that burden on me. He did not think I could follow through with his wishes. I am his wife. :(

I am not continuing my treatments this week. How can I? I need to be with him when I am physically better... No infection. My temp has gotten better. I'm on my Ativan which is helping me sleep. I hope I can get to his side tomorrow. My step daughter and our BIL are there.

I'm having a cup of soup. And going back to bed.

My therapist is on call tonight in the ER so she has already called to check on me.

God bless you all for your kindness.

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Shannon...I am also speechless...this whole situation is so beyond words but my heart is with you...and my prayers. Having the decision for Leo in your BIL's hands feels like a bittersweet situation...it is not your decision so you are relieved of that incredible burden but one you must live with. My guess is the decision will be obvious to all. I guess that is my hope. I know it would be so so difficult for me. There are just no answers to any of this except to keep on keeping on. How is your MD feeling about you postponing chemo...though totally understandable....I hope he can support that so you can do what you need and should do for your own well being. Another tough one.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Mary

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Shannon,

I am so very sorry for all you are going threw. It is absolutely heart breaking :( I will be praying for you and your Leo and that you will be able to be by his side tomorrow. I'm sending you thoughts of strength and hope.

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Shannon, none of us can tell you what to do, I know this is an incredibly difficult situation. Just know our thoughts and prayers are with you and I will be praying for you all day tomorrow. I wish you didn't have to miss any treatments but I understand. I hope you'll seek your doctor's feedback before deciding finally. I'm glad your therapist is checking on you. (((gentle hugs)))

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Dear Shannon,

You do not have to have words to explain your grief. I am praying for you and your Leo. Please know that we walk with you during this time. Anne

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Went to chemotherapy. Cried my eyes out most of the five hours.

Leo had some responses last night. He never woke up. But he moved his hand and leg in response to pain stimuli from the neurologist. Still not sure if its good or bad. Because he won't wake up. He won't respond to his daughters voice and touch or our BIL's. Mary, his sis took me to chemo and back. Then I insisted she go up to be with him. I can care for myself after chemo. I cannot be there. I want as many people there as possible. It breaking my heart he is a hour away. :(

I'm in bed. I've got fluids, meds, crackers etc...

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Shannon,

I wish you could be there with him, I know that's where your heart is. I'm glad your chemo is over for today. I pray you can sleep. That he moved seems a good sign, is it not? Doesn't that indicate brain activity? It sounds like he is in a coma, but if so, he may be able to hear, just not respond. My sister was in a coma 4 1/2 months, she said she could hear us when we visited. Still praying for both of you...

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Yes Kay, it is somewhat of a good sign that he responded, however little, to pain stimuli. But he has not responded again.

I just took pain and nausea meds and am very sleep, so going to try to sleep again.

I just feel so helpless.

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Shannon, I am relieved to know you did your chemo today and I can't imagine how painful it is to not be able to see Leo. I continue to keep you both in my heart and in my prayers. You feel helpless because you are helpless in this situation. The best way to help is probably to do what you are doing, i.e. take care of you as painful as all this is. Mary

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Dear Shannon, dear Heart,

Oh, I wish I knew more comforting words to give to you, more ways to send {{{hugs}}} through computers, more smilies or gestures to help you to know how loved and precious you are. I am so glad you are getting some rest. I am happy that you are able to have your chemo. I know how much you want to spend time with Leo, and he knows, too.

I hope you are able to eat, drink, and sleep. Give yourself all the healing time and rest you need, dear one. Leo is in good hands, and your focus for this day needs to be on you. Tomorrow, things could change for the better, and then you may feel strong enough to go see Leo. Please take it one day at a time, and try to focus on your own healing for this day, just this day.

I am holding you close in my heart, and sending prayers for you and Leo, and also sending so very much love.

Peace and healing, dear Shannon.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Perhaps his body is shutting down external responses to concentrate on internal healing...we'll pray it is so anyway. Keep up the rest, hopefully you can see him soon.

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I am very sick. From chemo. Can't hold a typing down but sipping fluids.

Leo has not had any response again. We have a few weeks of waiting. Before a brain function test. The drs know his wishes. Our BIL has made it all clear. Part of me is "ok" honoring his wishes. The other part of course won't let him go.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions.

I need to go sleep.

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It's understandable, Shannon. You are handling this all as well as you can, there's no one that would find this easy. I'm so sorry this chemo is making you sick. My XH when he went through chemo and radiation just about gave up, but didn't and beat his cancer so I guess it pays to give it your best shot.

If the stroke had left Leo with no brain activity then how could he have responded, even once? Hoping for the best...

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