This Grief Journey We Are All On?

[mfh]

I am posting this in pdf format because it is long (not outrageously long). It is some of my insights into this grief journey...mine...after 3 years and how it relates to being still...to being quiet...to being in solitude...to meditating...to doing the work. Mary with peace.

Sunday Morning May 19, 2013.pdf

[enna]

My suggestion, dear Mary, would be to send this pdf in to the Huffington Post. Only someone who has been on the grief journey that you have been on could describe it as you have done so eloquently. I need to re-read it and put it away and bring it out often during my journey. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Mary. There is so much wisdom there based upon bitter experience. I can relate to it, or much of it. I'm not doing this grief thing correctly, but then I think what is correct? Or what is correct for me? And in any case correct is far from the right word. I want to heal and I think I am a long way from that. We follow you, Mary, and I know you would be the first to say that you don't have the answer, but you do have some answers. Thanks.

[feralfae]

Thank you Mary, just what I needed to read this day. Thank you so much for all you share from your beautiful spirit.

fae

[mfh]

Dear Anne, fae and Jan,

Thanks for the feedback. Anne, I would have to think long and hard about sending it to the HP but I am humbled that you think I should. The piece I want to write for them is totally up in the air. I plan to spend time tomorrow listening again to the event that motivated the contact and then determine my focus. But thank you.

Jan, I truly believe and have told clients this for years...i.e. we all have our own answers but as a therapist I am here to reflect back to you what I hear you saying; to ask questions; and to listen. I am just glad that something I am going through can help someone else. Thank you. There is no right or wrong way...I think there is each of our ways and look how long it is taking me to figure out the pieces of this.

fae, You are welcome and thank YOU! I am glad my words and thoughts are helpful...and appreciate knowing that. I write because it helps me to write out my thoughts and know that someone hears them and because I think we learn from each others choices, "mistakes", journeys....peace today...you have been on my mind today as you honor the sacredness of these moments.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing this, Mary. Everything you write is thoughtful and thought-provoking. I feel we have some very special people here, I count myself fortunate to have all of your collective experience to enrich my journey.

[mfh]

Thank you for sharing this, Mary. Everything you write is thoughtful and thought-provoking. I feel we have some very special people here, I count myself fortunate to have all of your collective experience to enrich my journey.

Kay, you are welcome. Thank you. We do have some special people here and you are one of them...in fact we are all so special. I, too, am fortunate to be here.

[mfh]

My heart goes out to all those in OK who lost children and loved ones in this recent tornado. Houses can be replaced but it is still tragic to lose one's home and possessions. Hundreds are dealing with this right now. Almost 200 are being treated in hospitals. This was the most ferocious tornado in history according to the news.

I have found that in spite of being compassionate and sensitive to the pain of others all my life, Bill's death has left me even more sensitive to the pain of others. This tornado season started off so quietly here that no one noticed but now, who knows. It is impossible to get Bentley to my basement...not even steak or chicken works. So I have rigged up a corner at the top of the basement steps when we get a warning...and I sit on the top step. I happen to live in a house of rocks (well, stone) with walls a foot thick so my fears are minimal except for the roof. But I have seen these devastated areas and it is breathtaking if you have ever seen the aftermath. In spite of that my only fear of tornado outside the normal preparation and caution is losing Bentley or him losing me. So I take precautions when the whistle blows.

[Conbon20]

I am posting this in pdf format because it is long (not outrageously long). It is some of my insights into this grief journey...mine...after 3 years and how it relates to being still...to being quiet...to being in solitude...to meditating...to doing the work. Mary with peace.

Sunday Morning May 19, 2013.pdf

Mary,

I read your thoughts and meditations from Sunday. I too watched "Sunday Morning" as it was a regular routine for my husband and I to do every week. I can identify with your statements about needing to rest and meditate. I have been doing that alot lately without really thinking about it. Being alone in this little mobile home (it's just a single wide) limits what space I have but I still find it soothing to just sit and read my daily devotionals each morning. I know that we all are on a grief journey but we also are all on a faith journey. There is no way to separate them and I wouldn't want to anyway.

[kayc]

I didn't know about OK until I was at the car repair last night after work, I was stunned by the devastation people are enduring. It hits you how some are not only losing homes, but loved ones.

[Wifflesnook]

Heck Mary. Are you in an area that may get hit by a tornado? In the Uk our weather is the source of great complaint and we have had floods in recent years which have wreaked great problems but in USA the weather can be so much more devastating. I watched a little dog being found and it was quite moving, and I though how odd it was that we can get so upset about animal stories, and yet not odd at all. We are all one, and sometimes we know it.

[mfh]

Connie, I could not agree more with you. It is a journey of faith...Mary

Jan, yes we are in tornado alley..at the north end of it but there have been many serious tornadoes here. when we first moved to WI in 1987, the town near our land was still recovering from the 1984 tornado that killed a dozen people in a town of 600...that means every person in town was affected by loss. Three years later they were still traumatized and I spent time with many people during those days. Checks from the vault at the bank were found miles and miles away.

[kayc]

Mary, how is it going your way? I hope no tornadoes anywhere near you!

[mfh]

No tornadoes so far...today gray and cool...feels good...mosquitoes are in abundance, however, making it challenging to walk Mr. B, who is doing very well. Do you have snow...I saw the word shovel some place today associated with your name????

[kayc]

Yep, I posted pictures somewhere on here, also on FB. Anne was talking about vac. here and I said I might make her shovel! I had about 3-4" before I went to work and it was snowing steadily...

[mfh]

Wow...snow even as the flowers bloom. I guess I saw that in Colorado also....snow in May was nothing but it was still warm enough for the wildflowers to be in full bloom. I hope that shovel gets no more use until next winter now.

[enna]

My dear Kay,

I would rather play with Arlie and make a snowman than shovel the snow. You are still and will always be an inspiration to me on my grief journey. Anne

[kayc]

Ahh, I was just teasin' about the shoveling...I'm letting God melt it, I don't expect any more until at least Fall.

[mfh]

If the attached helps just one person it is worth posting. It is a long (1,500 words) journal entry I made after reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly for about 3 hours early this morning. I sort by writing and when I can push myself -by painting or in the past, sculpting. My instructor asked me yesterday if I was going to send her some paintings for her to critique (email) and I told her how hard it is for me to paint...it all feels futile and empty. I have little to show for all the energy and love I have for watercolor. I have little confidence in my ability. I know every artist feels that sometimes and lots of times. But I even hesitate to call myself artist...something I learned all artists go through. That message to my instructor yesterday, coupled with the happenings of the day (dream of being blind, Bill's clothes at Goodwill, tornado threats and more), led me to rise early today and start Brown's book (which I have postponed because it is easier for me to read on line with the contrast options)...now I can't put it down. But I did put it down long enough to write in my journal...that is what is attached. You may or may not want to read it but I post it just in case someone will benefit. Most days since Bill died, a little more light shines through the crack in the darkness of my life. Some of the light falls on truths I have known for years and forgotten or abandoned. Some falls on new insights and I know those will grow as I walk on. There are times I feel crazy, scattered and question my own authenticity. Most times I feel solid and authentic...but always I am committed to growth frequently trying too hard.

Peace,

Mary Insights on reading Daring Greatly May 30, 2013.pdf

[enna]

Wow! My book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is sitting here on the coffee table waiting for me to find the courage to see whether or not I can become vulnerable enough to move forward now that the one true love of my life is dead. I am also having a hard time putting it down but sometimes what I am reading scares me and I do put it down and find some distraction. I think it is that fear of being vulnerable!

A quote in the book: "Vulnerability is like being naked on stage and hoping for applause rather than laughter" presents a very big challenge to me right now because I think I would get more laughter than applause!

Mary, your journal writing is very thought provoking. I do think so many of us think that there will never 'be enough' in this life of ours. I think that is ok. We are here to work on ourselves and I know that I will leave this life feeling that I have never reached 'enough!' My journey has just begun and already I'm fearing the isolation of not having my Jim here with me to give me the encouragement I seek. I will have to reach down into my own being and have the courage to know that I am enough to start with at least.

I will finish Brene's book because I eventually want to own my own vulnerability and I do believe that 'knowledge is power' so the more I read the better educated I'll become. I have so far to go. Thank you for posting your journal writing. It is one I can relate to. Anne

[kayc]

Oh Mary, I do understand your deep seated feelings, needing to know someone cares, that you are "enough". If I thought it'd do any good, I'd probably be running around, making myself indispensable, making "friends". But I did all that in my younger years. When Paul and I divorced after 23 years of marriage, and 23 years in our church, I found myself cut adrift...I had always been important, needed, been busy doing, in charge of this, in charge of that. I had countless friends, everyone looked up to me. All that changed in an instant. Everything changed. I, who had always been looked up to and respected, was suddenly receiving hate mail, and my kids screened my calls...it was a horrendous time. I withdrew into the sanctuary of my home where it was safe. I was cut off from people and the life that I'd known. I found out that all of the "friends" I thought I'd had...weren't. Sometimes I wonder if I wasted my life "doing" instead of just "being" and did anything I did make any difference in the grand scheme of things? I know that raising my kids was important, being George's wife was important, working brought in money, but did anything else I ever did really matter?

Right now I know that being mom to Arlie, Miss Mocha, and Kitty is important to them. My job is necessary as we need money to live. I try to reach out to people and be there for them, so I have some sense of purpose with that. And it's okay.

Do you ever have times when you just sit and look out at nature, spending time just "being", not particularly thinking, just sitting, being, enjoying what is? I find that one of the most vital things to my soul. That is my communion with God...somehow I think He rather likes that. Rather than rushing around doing, just being is enough. I am who He created me to be. I will fulfill His purpose for me. And sometimes I think it's me that gets it backwards.

I see people at my church rushing around doing, doing, doing, all the time, and I used to be like them. I cannot do that again. I cannot let myself get caught up in that again. I've been there.

postscript: there is a difference between who we ARE and what we DO.

I have been Sunday School teacher, all ages, Vacation Bible School Director, Choir Member, Worship Team Member, Ensemble member, Chairman of the Board of Stewards, Board of Christian Life Director, Treasurer, Church Secretary, Church Board Secretary, Financial Secretary, Auditor, Missionary President, and everything else on Mission Council, worked with youth, in charge of Prison Ministries, Kids in Talent Training, Junior Bible Quizzing, Caravans Scouting leader, Girl Scouts leader, Homeroom Mother, and so much more. But that is not who I am! That is what I have done.

[MartyT]

I read your piece, Mary, and I love what Kay and Anne have said in response.

And when I checked my email just now, look what just happened to appear on Maria Shriver's blog today:

Sometimes You Can't Do Any Better (But You Can Feel Better About What You Are Doing)

[kayc]

Well said. I think sometimes if Paul and I hadn't been so busy in our marriage, who knows what the outcome might have been. All four of us all busy, involved, we raised our kids "on the go". When my son was talking about marriage to his intended, this is one of the things they covered...for she was the same way. He didn't want his marriage lost to "activity" like ours was, and so many others. It remains to be seen what will happen in their marriage, if they will be more successful at balance than we were, but I think they will. I think they will make the concerted effort to take time for them, to keep their lives more balanced. It is harder than it looks in this day and age. It really does take effort!

[Wifflesnook]

Heavens Mary, you really make us think. I have read it carefully and shall read it again and again. It seems to me that those of us who have been very very happily married can't help but search for the closeness and purpose that was invested in our relationship, and when that is lost the gap it leaves is so vast that everything else seems totally meaningless. I'm having somehow to find purpose and meaning in a world in which Pete can't supply it. Ok I am loved, but not like Pete loved me. And I love, but not like I loved Pete. I'm not sure how I can become a valued person again, both in my own eyes and that of other people. I will never be the centre of anyone's life again, and I have to be content that once I was. But I also have to live on, and maybe I should read the book to help me to give value to what I have left?

[kayc]

Jan, you are valuable just because you are you! Because you exist! That is all it takes to be valuable. If a person loses their ability to function, say an illness or injury strikes them, do the become less valuable? No, of course not. In our culture we think we have to accomplish something and have a title next to our name and a paper on the wall to be valuable, but it's not true. I don't know a family that would view their member as being less valuable no matter what took place.