mfh Posted May 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Anne, isn't it interesting how others see us as "enough" and yet we work hard to see that in ourselves. I certainly see you and everyone as enough. But hard to look in the mirror and say that though at some level ironically, I DO know it..but obviously it is easily shaken. I agree with you. I think this journey never ends...but when we cross that threshold that Jim and Bill have crossed, I think we get boosted into light and love and the struggle is over. I think you have made yourself very vulnerable here this past year and I do know that starting year two has a strange twist on it...a different kind of pain perhaps or threat or emptiness. I will not forget year two and hope what I went through will, someday, be of benefit to you. Thank you for taking the time to read the long post. Kay, I think you have done the most demanding thing one can do...i.e. raise kids. Yes,I do sit in nature often. Just sit and listen to birds, watch the trees sway in the breeze, etc. Nature has been my place of spirituality for years. Our woods, when we had a woods, was our cathedral but in caregiving years...and even since Bill died...I lost me bit by bit as Bill lost himself bit by bit and though nothing I wrote in that piece is news to me in any way, it helps me to sort the pieces of the puzzle of my life and turn some over and see them again through today's eyes. I so agree on the being vs doing. I have been too much of a doing person even before Bill got sick. We did a lot..too much in hind sight. So putting the brakes on has proven to be a challenge especially with the fear mixed in. Since last Thursday (one week ago) and through this coming Sunday I have been "being" still and have spent a ton of time in solitude and it feels right and good...and it is what I will continue to do. My meditation is even better and starting to be effective finally when the rest of my hours are quieter. Some of this is just aging...priorities shift. Thank you for reading all that. Monday to Wednesday I will be at a conference but I did this last year and found a new kind of quiet there surrounded as I was then and will be by people who get grief. Very safe place. Marty, thank you for reading my long post. I read Shriver's piece-thank you- and just reading the descriptions of her friends' busy lives in the first two paragraphs made me tired. it did motivate me to return to my tai chi. My body struggles with yoga positions right now. Amazing, or is it, that Shriver's piece pops up in your email today...with that word, "Enough" big and bold? Jan, I am glad that what I shared feels helpful to you. You might want to listen to Brene Brown before you get the book. Here are good links: http://myown.oprah.com/search/index.html?own_only=1&q=brene%20brown http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Dr-Brene-Brown-Quotes-on-Shame-Vulnerability-and-Daring-Greatly http://myown.oprah.com/search/index.html?own_only=1&q=brene%20brown%20full%20episode lots of BB here http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html TEDx http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html TED http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Life-Lessons-We-All-Need-to-Learn-Brene-Brown/3 http://www.onbeing.org/program/brene-brown-on-vulnerability/4928 NPR It is 3:30pm here and we are once again under tornado watch (NOT a warning). This is going to continue all week, folks. I will post later as the watch is on to 8pm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Well said. I think sometimes if Paul and I hadn't been so busy in our marriage, who knows what the outcome might have been. All four of us all busy, involved, we raised our kids "on the go". When my son was talking about marriage to his intended, this is one of the things they covered...for she was the same way. He didn't want his marriage lost to "activity" like ours was, and so many others. It remains to be seen what will happen in their marriage, if they will be more successful at balance than we were, but I think they will. I think they will make the concerted effort to take time for them, to keep their lives more balanced. It is harder than it looks in this day and age. It really does take effort! Kay, it is so easy to get out of balance. Bill and I did a lot but that included stretching out on the floor listening to Mahler, meditating, hiking, cooking along with renovating one house and building another. So a lot of our doing was also being...being in Mahler, being in meditation, being in nature. If I had it to do over, I would not have renovated the first house to the degree that we did though it was awesome when done. I also would not have built a second house in CO until we lived there a while longer. Not sure where that would have led. I frankly do not know how people (families) balance with raising kids, jobs, kids activities, etc. I missed that chapter that most women have. Maybe it would have done me in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 30, 2013 Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 “I'm not sure how I can become a valued person again, both in my own eyes and that of other people. I will never be the centre of anyone's life again, and I have to be content that once I was.” Jan My Dear Jan – First, I want to say something about what Kay said about being valuable because I think that we all can forget just how beautiful we all are: “Jan, you are valuable just because you are you! Because you exist!” Kay “You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being -- not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money -- but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.” -Wayne Dyer Now, it’s my turn, Jan. You are appreciated by your family…you are a cherished member of this forum…you are treasured by me as we take this grief journey together…you are worthy just being you... Notice I didn’t use the word valuable once but each of the words mean valuable. So, I conclude that you are you and that is enough. Today I went out and bought a new pair of Chico capris and a summer blouse and it made me feel better. When I had lunch with some of my lady friends yesterday someone said to me: “Oh, Anne, you look so good.” She hadn’t seen me in a few months. There were times when I would have come back with something not so nice; instead, I took it as a compliment. Something that always cheers me up is to make someone else smile. I love to find pictures of (flowers, nature, horses, dogs) and send them to others because I feel that if it made me feel good it will make someone else smile if only for a minute. I watch a movie or spend some time in the sun. I think these are all ways that can be used to cheer our selves up and remind us that we are valuable. We have a right to be so hurt that our beloved spouses or significant others are no longer with us the way we want them to be. My mantra for a while is: I am valuable. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 30, 2013 Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 I like the things I am reading here. I remember when George died, I struggled with my sense of self worth. I no longer had that person to bounce things off of, that person that gave me affirmation, that person that looked at me appreciatively, that person that snuggled up with me at night, that person that thought I belonged on top of a pedestal, no matter how much I bounced off. I thought I needed someone's feedback, someone to complete me, someone to spend time with. I thought without that I was somehow "less". John was the worst person in the world I could have turned to for that, ha! Really, it's quite funny, looking back, and thinking, I turned to HIM for affirmation?! I must have been out of my ever loving mind! I have since learned, it's important for us to value ourselves, take care of ourselves, be our own best affirmer, and we need also to pamper ourselves. Like Anne, buy something nice for ourselves, watch a movie, eat chocolate, take care of ourselves, and yes, even pat ourselves on the back. Who else is going to do it? Our spouses have died, our kids are busy with their own lives, it's up to us to do the best job we can with ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Jan, I am with Kay and Anne and I bet a lot more people. In addition to all they said, I also know you are valuable to your geographic area as you publish books (The People Along the Sand by Jan Crowther, Ph.D.). But let's face it, Jan...so many people love you including me. You are giving and caring. You created zillions of happy moments in Pete's life. But the bottom line is you are you and that is what we all know makes each of us enough. Without getting too spiritual...each of us is, in my humble opinion, spiritual beings being human...sparks of the divine...and each of our lives matters. Now you and I and others just need to continue to do what we can to believe in ourselves. And yes it is challenging. But we shall look in that mirror and see enough. Mary with love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 You are so right, Kay. And with or without our spouses, friends, fans of all kind....we are enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted May 31, 2013 Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Wow everybody. What a lovely start to my day here in foggy England at the end of the coldest May for fifty years and waking up to an empty bed. I turned to the forum and there are all these wonderful loving messages, some of them specifically addressed to me. Yes, yes, we are all, I am still valuable. For myself, for my continuing relationship with Pete (somehow), for my family, especially my little grand daughters, for my friends, yes even for the readers of my books. Just because the centre of my life has collapsed doesn't mean that nothing now exists and I can and will find value in my life. I will copy these messages as I know I will need to look again at them. Yesterday I received an edited version of a little amateur film Pete and I made in 1991 of our very special area of Spurn Point. It was smoother than our rough version and I've been making copies to give to birder friends who will find it interesting as the peninsula changes so much (well diminishes is more accurate unfortunately). One of the activities that gives meaning to my life centres upon continued work on the history of Spurn Point (our web page at www.wilgilsland.co.uk hasn't been updated for two years but still exists) and that does help me because it provides a connection with Pete too. One thing I do know, and that is that the people on this forum embody the most wonderful love, wisdom, empathy and fellow feeling in grief, that I could ever encounter. We are all suffering, but we are all reaching out, and helping each other. Thank you for helping me to begin another day, which will be made easier by reading your messages. Love from Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted May 31, 2013 Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Yearsrisingmaryoliver.blogspot I've just found this wonderful site. I may not have got it quite right but if you put that in google you should find it. It contains Mary Oliver poems and comments. Mary Oliver is mine and Pete's favouite poet. And in it was this posting SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 2013 The Gardener Have I lived enough? Have I loved enough? Have I considered Right Action enough, have I come to any conclusion? Have I experienced happiness with sufficient gratitude? Have I endured loneliness with grace? I say this, or perhaps I'm just thinking it. Actually I probably think too much. Then I step out into the garden, where the gardener, who is said to be a simple man, is tending his children, the roses. Does everything, all our struggles, doubts, and seeking come down to this - tending life? Tenderly? Tending to what is present gives birth to life in every moment. But I suppose we must also attend to death. Every step, no matter how reluctant or gimpy, is in the garden of earth. It is as simple as that. Princess Mononoke In the 1997 animated film, Princess Mononoke, the Great Forest Spirit is feared and awaited, for the spirit's footsteps are origins of life and death. Attuning to this universal divine wisdom, we too know that with every step we seed new growth and say good bye to old life. Step, life death - step, life, death. What steps will you take today for the children of this earth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Well, it is afternoon there now and at going on 9am here I am just getting to my laptop. I am so glad you woke to all those wonderful messages. One thing, among many, that you can count on here is that people say what they mean and mean what they say...I hope those posts bring you many moments of joy and peace. Thanks for the Mary Oliver site. I do have that site as you know she is one of my favorites. I have several of her books. Did you also know that she lost her life partner of I think 45 years just a few years ago. Her name was Molly. http://www.afterellen.com/people/2011/03/mary-oliver-discusses-her-poetry-her-partner-and-being-happier-than-ever-at-75 Here is the blog address: http://yearsrisingmaryoliver.blogspot.com/ The first page today features her latest book on aging and loss it appears. I am going back to read it more thoroughly and but I alread have the book. It is a good one, Jan. Thank you, Jan, for reminding me of Oliver. How I would love to bump into her as she does her daily early walks on Cape Cod. I read once that no one (locals) stops to talk to her because they know she is writing poems as she walks...pencil and pad in hand. Have a good "rest of the day". I am just starting a Friday here...it is now two full weeks that I have spent the vast majority of time alone and it has been quite rewarding among other things. A couple of nightmares too. Last night as well. But that is part of why I need to stop racing around...so the "stuff" can be free to bubble up. Love Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Woke up to the attached in my email. It is a rule I have been living by and have finally broken. Stopping for two full weeks now has been life giving, somewhat frightening even with nightmares, and mostly calm and peaceful. I have had a lot of sleep though not so much last night. After reading so much about vulnerability (etymology: to wound) I dreamed I had been almost mortally stabbed last night. It is a long dream, full of symbolism relevant to my journey; one that wakened me enough to get me up, make a cup of tea and write it down. I believe this new life of a lot of solitude, not much doing, and a lot of being is allowing me to look a bit more deeply at just about everything and anything. Somewhere in this hodge podge is me. I know her well when I see her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted May 31, 2013 Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 We were in Provincetown where she lives, in September 2011, not long before our lives were wrecked by Pete having the stroke. We didnt see her, but were very aware that our favourite poet lived there, and we bought a book we didnt have from the book shop there. I think she will always be our favourite poet. I'm glad she has found happiness after losing her lifetime partner. She implied in the interview that she was somewhat the submissive partner and now had found her Independent voice. I can't relate to that from my own perspective however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Jan, my sister used to live on Cape Cod and I wish I had known Mary Oliver's poems then...as I spent a lot of time there years ago and maybe I would have bumped into her. She was in Wisconsin last November and I actually had a ticket but no energy to drive to Milwaukee etc. as it was a long day and well, you know....exhausted. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mary+oliver&oq=mary+oliver&gs_l=youtube.3..35i39l2j0l8.479.3213.0.3596.15.13.2.0.0.0.79.849.13.13.0...0.0...1ac.1.11.youtube.LwhtvH5DdDA This is a link to her YouTube videos mostly reading poems. There may be more also but this is a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Jan, how very special! I've had a very hard, emotional day today...starting with my boss laying me off, then after finding I'd have little to live on, he's putting it off, for how long, I don't know. I spent the day with my friend...she lost her husband five years ago today and it's always tough. She cooked a huge feast for everyone in her apartment complex and I helped carry dishes and clean up afterwards. We sat and talked until time for me to go home and walk Arlie, then I visited with a couple more friends going through tough times. It will be good to lay down and rest tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Kay, you really did have an emotional day between job, friend's anniversary celebration of her husband's death and then the others...whew. that is pretty heavy. I hope your boss gives you some kind of plan but I know you can't count on it. Any chance you will start looking and perhaps a better job is out there waiting for you now? Even getting your resume updated and sending a few out each week. Just a thought. I hope you have a restful weekend. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Dear Kay, I'm so sorry your day was so difficult, and I wish we all could pay a visit to that boss of yours and give him a piece of our minds. He has no idea what a treasure you are. But we do. We most certainly do! I hope you sleep well tonight. I wish you pleasant dreams, and (as my dear Daddy always used to say to me as I kissed him goodnight): Roses on your pillow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful picture of roses, thank you! I appreciate you guys' support. I feel drained tonight. At least he reconsidered and is putting it off a while (waiting and seeing). Yes, I'll have to start looking again although it's not promising in this vicinity. Am praying and of course am giving thought to all kinds of options and possibilities. With the medical mandate coming up, this is not a good time to lose a job and medical insurance...esp. at my age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 Strange tonight. A friend sent me a link to a video of an incredible handmade antique desk knowing Bill would have deep appreciation for it and that Bill actually could have built this desk with his talent. I kept the email in my inbox all day because I wanted to show it to Bill. I knew i could not but deleting it just seemed so final or something....or real. Nothing like this has happened for many months and I have learned on this journey that anything can happen at any time; that our hope of sharing with our loved ones never ends and I feel grateful tonight that I know I will see him again and in pain that he can not see that desk. I think this is related to my time with the Amish clock repairman Saturday as it stirred up Bill's love for and his ability to take those clocks apart, clean them, repair them and balance them. I sit here looking at his 200 year old hand wrought (brass) skeleton clock with a hand blown glass globe that was actually taken in our burglary and was the only thing we got back in perfect condition. On the other side of the room is a ship's clock in a lovely wooden box. The clock rolls with the ship. I do not know how old that is. So tonight...memories of Bill's loves and talents surfaced. Feeling fragile. Nothing new. the unpredictable is predictable. http://www.youtube.com/embed/MKikHxKeodA?rel=0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 3, 2013 Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 I absolutely love the desk, Mary. What a treasure. Sending you hugs for your fragile state. I hope you will enjoy the workshops you will be attending. At least you'll get those CEU credits out of the way. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 3, 2013 Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 It is beautiful, Mary. I wish we could send these kinds of things on up to heaven, he could be busy making it while he's waiting for you to get there. I am having a really hard time with the fact that I married John. Why it's hitting me so hard now, I don't know. As if he could have filled one iota of George's shoes! I realize I must have been still deep in the fog and I understand my reasons for doing so, but even so, it's like I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for such a huge mistake. And yet I know George would understand and no forgiveness necessary with him, he'd just draw me into his arms and hold me, like he always did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 3, 2013 Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 Dearest Kay I'm so sorry you are having a hard time with thinking about mistakes you made whilst in such a fragile state after losing George. I can so well imagine how easy it must have been to search for something that you had just lost, and think you had found it, when you were so vulnerable. Your wisdom that you show daily here demonstrates how much that taught you. I'm sorry you had to learn it in such a hard way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 It is Tuesday and the end of two days of grief presentations. I have been totally overwhelmed with great presenters and underwhelmed by two...hence my free time as I walked out of a workshop... I attended this conference last year and looking back reminds me of how much of a fog I was in then and how raw I felt compared to this year. Most attendees are professionals in the field of grief work-Hospice workers, grief therapists and grief counselors, nurses, etc. some statements made by a few of the speakers are, for me, synchronistic in the appropriateness and timing to my struggles now and for that I am grateful as I also learn so much from these presenters. The most outstanding so far is Robert Niemeyer, who Marty will know of or know personally, whose presentation was just spectacular...as is he. I am, however, tired. Each talk is both satisfying and draining,tapping into both my personal and professional journeys. I did not attend the group dinner last night...and won't attend the evening presentation tonight. I head to my hotel room instead. I slept about 3-4 hours last night adding to my fatigue...mostly because of the way some of these talks hit me personally. I came to my hotel room last evening to find about 100 or more emails so I chose to answer just three this morning and to read the posts here but not respond to each one. Just too tired. By attending this I accumulate hours of continuing Education for my license renewal...if not for that I might sleep in tomorrow and then head home but what a waste that would be. I am with you all in spirit. Shannon, I am so sorry you are sick as you also grieve deeply. Kay, I am sorry you are hurting re your relationship with John. Fae, get rested. Anne, Harry, Kristen, Chris and everyone you are all in my heart as I attend this conference. I leave here around 1pm tomorrow...pick up Bentley and go home and sleep. Peace to your hearts. I will share some of what I have gleaned here once I get some rest. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 4, 2013 Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Hang in there, Mary. Don't forget to EAT. The workshop sounds motivating and I'm sure works on your grief journey as well. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Hang in there, Mary. Don't forget to EAT. The workshop sounds motivating and I'm sure works on your grief journey as well. Anne Just had soup and salad room service. Watching tv. TY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 5, 2013 Report Share Posted June 5, 2013 Love the picture, Anne! Mary, I'm sure you'll be glad to get home, I'm glad you aren't pushing yourself (too much)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 5, 2013 Report Share Posted June 5, 2013 And for goodness sake, drive safely! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now