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Paula, my dear beloved wife of 35 years passed away this past April 16th from colon cancer which metastisized into her bones, hips, vertabra, liver, lymph nodes, lungs, and neck. First diagnosed in 2011 with colon cancer, she stood proud and tall, resisting the inevitable with her great inner strength. I was disabled in 2007 due to a car wreck. She nursed, healed, and loved me back to health. I retired in 2008 as a result. Being there to proudly tend to my wife her last 2 years is one of my greatest accomplishments. How could I ever do less for her than she did for me? After suffering through 3 rounds of chemo, 2 rounds of radiation treatments, and 2 surgeries we learned of the spread throughout her body in March. Being able to care for, tend to, and love her daily for the last years of her life, we became even closer, inseperable. Because of her, I was able to set myself aside and focus completely, totally on her needs. What a proud man I was of her and her defiant refusal to give in to this insidious condition. Being unable to control her extreme levels of pain at home, WE made the decision to have her admitted to the hospital on Saturday the 13th. Efforts there were minimal as WE opted for Hospice care on Sunday the 14th. What wonderful people they are. Caring for and attending to her speciffic needs as her pain increased to intolerable levels. The most selfless decision I ever made was to ask the Hospice care team to increase her pain meds to a level I knew would hasten her demise.As we spoke about and agreed to, we both vowed to not let the other suffer needlessly if and when to situation dictated. Selflessly helping her the only way I could by letting her go. To be pain free and untroubled for eternity. Finally at 3AM on the morning of the 16th she was released from her personal anguish, I was proudly there by her side. Never leaving, ever loving her. My first thought was to thank the Lord that she would forever be pain free for I know she is now in Heaven.

Ours is one of the prescious, dear, rare, epic love stories so often referenced but so few experience. We were inseperable from day one. Both coming from loveless, abusive relationships we were each others salvation. We reveled in each other, shared our most guarded fears and hopes, cherishing our lives and time together. Gladly forsaking all others for the one person we so easily became. She loved me back from the precipise I was once willing to leap into. She literally saved my life. And I hers. Her first husband constantly cheated on her becoming physically abusive, We both longed for that peace and comfort dwelling in true devotion and caring for another before ourselves. We chose each other, vowed to be true to each other, and set off on our lifes voyage, never looking back. In each others love and care we became the people, the couple, the one person we both so deeply wanted to be. What a wonderful, rich, full life we have. Sharing the most intimate moments, as well as the trivial, with such abandon. She came full circle with the joy she found in our three children, five grand-children, and three great grand-children. All the while striving to be the absolut best wife, lover, companion, partner, confidant, and friend to me possible. The joy in her eyes haunts me daily. The contented smile ever present. The love that pours from her humbly acknowledged. She threw her whole being into all that we are. Becoming ever so content and personally pleased in the process. She gave us all so much more than we can ever repay. I never imagined that one person could ever have that much love and care to give to us. A debt we can only now begin to understand and never repay.

Now she is gone and my world has been crushed. I cry now just typing these meger words about my so dearly loved and missed lifes companion. I have no sense of worth, no direction, no focus. I have a constant headache from the stress. My hands shake. I have experienced anxiety and panic attacks that I have no control over. My blood preasure is off the charts, I don't sleep. All from the still unimaginal loss of my friend, my companion, my dear wife. How am I to be expected to go on alone? Family and most friends offer platitudes to no avail. I find no peace. She was/is my entire world. My reason for living. My everything. We shared everything possible two people could. Now I have no-one to share anything with. Who am I to turn to for someone-anyone- to talk to who understands? To share my day with? To hold and comfort each other when needed or wanted? To share a lifetime with? To continue life without these prescious moments is about all I can bear. And that not easily or well.

Most here share a similar story and outcome. Thank you all for allowing me to share this unbearable grief with you. So few care, even fewer understand the devistation from losing the love of a lifetime. Your comments, care, and support will be greatly appreciated as I now begin the process of discovering who and what I am without her ever by my side

Thanking you in advance,

Chris

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Dear Chris, You have certainly come to the right place. I am so sorry about what Paula went through iin her fight with cancer and about your loss. Coming here is a good step in a direction that leads to understanding, empathy, care and more. All of us have lost a spouse/partner and believe me, we know the feelings you expressed...the emptiness, the "how do I go on" and "why do I go on" kinds of thoughts and feelings as well as fatigue and loneliness. Yes, so many of our friends and relatives and acquaintances do not know what to say or do. They try; their intentions are in the right place but they are at a loss and frequently say, well, things that hurt or make no sense or abandon you. Here you will find people who will listen and respond, will never judge and who will encourage you to share whatever it is you wish to share. So I urge you to visit often.

It sounds like you had a wonderful and unique relationship, not unlike all of us here...hence the pain. It is time now for you to take care of yourself and that means eating well, exercising, relaxing, and perhaps sharing with even one person who hears you out there as well as all of us here. Have you seen a doctor about your high blood pressure? If not, I urge you to do so. You certainly do not want to have a stroke and the doctor may, at least, temporarily prescribe something for it until you can get it under control yourself.

Do come back. You will find us a friendly bunch of people, caring and all of us grieving. Some of us have lost our spouses just a month ago as you have while others are further into this healing journey. I lost my Bill, 3 years ago and like you we were two lonely souls who found each other and cherished what we had. I hope to see you here again. Others will respond in time...we come and go.

Peace,

Mary

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Chris, so very sorry for your loss of Paula. Coming to this site since april, 2010, has helped me a lot. My husband died in January, 2010, and I don't think I started being able to cope until I found this wonderful place to come. So many people here, going through the same thing, on the same journey, that none of us wanted to make. So sorry you had to join us, but please know that we will have your back. Feel free to say anything that you feel the need to say. No judgement here, only caring acceptance, and understanding.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Thank you, Mary for your kind words. Having read many of the previous posts I see you are a long-time contributor and respondant. I feel the empathy from you and hopefully others here in this hallowed forum. As I am obviously floundering I eagerly await any and all responses. All the while knowing this is an inner struggle. One that I must face alone despite the comfort, reassuring words and support from other like afflected individuals. Paula was my strength. After 3 years ,two batteling cancer from 2011-2013, she had two other medical issues the previous year (2010) requiring hospitalizations and long-time recoveries, I was gladly able to focus all of my energies to loving her, taking care of her, and tending to her every need for that three year period. Nothing else mattered. Now she is gone I find I have no focus in my life. Long-time hobbies and other interests hold no appeal for me. The 'things' I once enjoyed are now just "things". Things that distract me from my only love, Paula. I find I can not allow even one prescious memory to be diminished for what-ever reason. Since her passing I have begun to keep a journal denoting each and every detail of everything I can possibly remember. To not do so, to me, lessens the profound impact she has on my life. I simply can not, will not, allow our glorious relationship to be a meer memory. To chronicle these prescious moments is to forever lock them into my consciousness. If that forever locks and binds me to our past, so be it. There is where we are happiest. There I wish and choose to remain. For me, right now, I realize my view is distorted, clouded, yet crystal clear at the same time. Perhaps it will change, become more accepting of the horrid situation I now must reluctantly face. Part of me sees the need to ease my hold, a larger part insists on holding on even tighter. What to do. Who wins this battle? Idealism or reality? Knowing the answers must come from within, I remain in constant turmoil. A state of existence only my Paula can relieve me from. If that never comes to pass, here, alone with my beloved wife, I will remain. All I ever long for is to be in her company.

Please overlook the dour tone to my postings. The grief and pain I bear have clouded my reality to the point I am not sure of anything anymore. My longing for her, my undying love for her, my desire to be with her, have taken control of my being. I must do what I must do to quench this deep thirst I have for her. She who literally saved my life now sustains me.

Chris

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Hello Chris,

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us. I am so sorry that you have lost your dear Paula. The fact that both of you were able to talk about what you wanted at end of life must have given you great comfort. Hospice Care is the most gentle and comforting program available. I can speak from experience since after caring for my beloved Jim for almost five years and then entering into Hospice of the Valley I could not say enough for their kindness and dedication.

You are just beginning your grief journey and you have found the most caring place to be. We are here to listen. We are here to let you know that you are not nor will you ever be alone.

I am so glad that you have seen your Paula come full circle.

You will need to rest, take care of yourself, go slow in the things you have to do. We are here and want you to come whenever.

I pray for you during these early months as you settle into the reality of your Paula gone. Peace, Anne

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Oh Chris, I am so sorry! I welcome you to this site, even as I am truly sorry for the reason for it. I am so glad you had that 35 years with her though, what a special gift you were to each other! I am also glad you have children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren! I'm 60 and STILL waiting for grandchildren to come along!

You have found a place where people love to share and talk over their day and we talk about everything really...I know it's not the same as sharing with your beloved wife, but it helps.

Everyone's grief journey is unique, we share some commonalities, but also some differences. What you will learn in the months and even years to come, is that all that you experience and feel...is normal. There is no "wrong way" to grieve, just your way, although some have found that drink doesn't solve anything, and the caution about waiting a year before making important decisions really is wise...I'd say three years for extra measure. :)

Most of us felt we were in a fog in the early days. Feelings of anxiety and panic are common. The best advice I can offer is to take good care of yourself, even if you feel it doesn't matter, and be kind to yourself, gentle and understanding, as Paula would. I hope you will read these threads and that something will speak to you, something will bring you comfort, something will resonate.

You're in my prayers.

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Chris, my dear, I am so pleased to see that you've managed to find your way to this warm and caring place. I know that you will feel safe, supported, and warmly welcomed here.

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Dear Chris

I lost Pete, my beloved husband of fifty years, a year ago, and have found much comfort here. Please share your feelings with us. We don't have solutions for your loss. We all know that nothing can substitute for such a loss, but I have found the empathy and wisdom here has helped me enormously. Jan

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Chris, I do understand how things you once loved and cherished have lost meaning and how you wish to capture all the moments and memories in your journal. I think we do what we have to do in order to get through the tough days. After Bill died I had no desire or motivation to go on. I do understand. What I can say to you, and I never thought I would hear myself say this, but it does get easier to walk the journey. You will grieve this loss forever and there will always be a hole in your life and heart but it does get better because we learn how to carry the grief and integrate it and be with our memories and our spouses in a new way. I still talk to Bill all the time. I feel him in my heart and being and his life and love inspires me daily. I am never without him...ever ever. But it takes time and a lot of tears and journaling and sharing here and with certain others. It is a journey and what I have learned is that patience is needed. You came here which speaks of your courage and strength. You shared your story and will continue to do so and that takes love and courage. You will make it just as all of us have and we will support you as you walk. Peace, Mary

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One thing I find most daunting are the holidays. For example, Mother's Day was a disaster for me. The children were coming here to be with Paula on her day. Plans changed as I was asked to come to our oldest son and wife's house instead. Not really wanting to go, but not wishing to tarnish the day for her or Paula, I went. We had a pleasant visit. Found out later that Bobbie (daughter-in-law) was still grieving Paula's loss too. She had a lesser than expected day for herself. How I wish I could have made it better for her. Then headed to my Mothers (she lives a distance away) I was hit with a full blown anxiety-panic attack. Pulling off the road I realized I needed to be home with Paula. Home where we are safe, home where we belong, home together. I also realized a short time later on my drive back home, my immediate thoughts were what if something happens to her while I am gone? Arriving home it was a full hour before my stress and anxiety levels began to diminish. Is this crazy or not?

Now Memorial day is coming up. Our oldest (Greg), Bobbie, and their 8 year old, are headed to San Antonio for six days at Sea World, and Six Flags. Our Daughter (Emily) and her new romance are headed to Galveston for some beach time. Our oldest grand-daughter (Chrissie) is off to New Orleans with her church for a mission trip. Our youngest son (Bradley) and his wife (Jenn) live in Mass. I do hope they have the greatest of times. So a long holiday is upon us and not only will family be gone away, I feel even lonelier because Paula and I lived for these long weekends alone. To work in the yard and garden, long afternoon naps together, staying up late watching movies or talking, she cooking the special meals she so loved doing to surprise and please me. Just being together for our own pleasure. The continued shareing of our lives.

Still to come this year are Paula's birthday, our anniversary, the youngest son's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Paula's favorite holiday, Christmas. All to be spent alone for all intent and purpose. Crying again as I write even this, how will I be able to make the rest of the most significant days of our lives without her? Life seems so lonely, pointless and useless from my vantage point, right now.

Not intending to dredge-up uncomfortable situations for anyone, my mind wanders and the words and emotions spill out of their own accord.

Once again I appreciate all who take the time and make the effort to console this raw grieving soul. Re-reading this post it seems I might be a hopeless case. There are some of us you know.

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Chris, holidays are very tough for all of us. Even holidays that never meant much suddenly mean something. The way we get through is one day at a time without looking ahead unless it is necessary. These first holidays are the toughest...but so far for me they are hard because they are loaded with memories and the world is out celebrating. I know these are tough days. You are so raw and new to this and even still in a fog. Thank you for sharing so openly. You are not just helping yourself, you help everyone when you share.

You will be in my thoughts this holiday weekend...

Mary

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Thank you all. I am so confused I don't know what to do. Possibly tomorrow I can get a grip on something.

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Dear Chris,if I were you I would take a lot of time to read postings here which will show you better than anything else that your feelings are shared by us all. The emptiness that you feel is familiar to us. The needs that are no longer met because your beloved Paula is no longer by your side we all know about. The lack of meaning in your life is the hardest part. I am still struggling, and all I can say is take one day at a time. Regard each day that you manage to just keep upright as a triumph. As Mary says it does get better, though I'm still waiting for that. Share your feelings here. Be as frank as you can. You will get a lot back from those wise ones who have been here a while, and have much empathy and love to give, even in their own deep grief. Your confusion is natural. You are floundering, and needing a life belt. I think you will find one here, though nothing, nothing, can compensate for the loss of your beloved Paula, and you will not be given trite messages of 'comfort' which mean nothing. I'm not much further on than you. But this forum is a lifeline for me. Jan

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Thank you too, Jan. I have read parts of your heart-rendering saga, also. My heart goes out to each of you as yours does for me. Right now I feel little sense of comfort from that fact alone. Perhaps because this is so fresh, raw, and tender. Ironically, as I sit here awake and alone again, I notice it is coming up on 3:00am yet again. The hour my sweet Paula passed. This routine has become the norm instead of the exception. Being awake and so tuned in to the hour and it's obvious significance for me, I probably can't, won't, go back to bed for much needed sleep. Slowly I have come to realize this truth. This persistant reminder, and others, haunt me constantly. If this is my "new reality" I want no part of it. It begs the question..."Why can't I get past even this?". Of course it is my mind and soul refusing to let go of my Paula who permeates my very being, while refusing to accept the true reality of it all. Once again I feel my tentative grasp slipping. As I acknowledge the coming anxiety attack that will consume me I must go.

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Chris, in one of your posts you mentioned that someone you were visiting was "still" grieving. Grief is not a quick trip. Others who loved Paula will grieve for a long time and perhaps always in some way. YOu will carry her in your heart forever and miss her forever. You also mentioned that you do not know what to do and maybe in the morning you can know.

I think all of us are learning and have learned that what we must do first is take care of ourselves and that includes trying to get sleep. I understand you being fully aware of 3am. I am still frequently aware of 10:46am when Bill died. I also know you must get sleep at night and off and on during the day as well as try to eat some nutritious food, drink water, and exercise even if it is a walk down the block and back. It does get better. I know you find that hard to believe as I did when people told me that but it will but self care is one of the big building blocks to that "better".

As you can see we are all here, in and out, some times more than others but I come here every day and there are always posts and people who have and do come and go. I like the title you gave your topic-I need your help. It is difficult for most to ask for help and I so admire that you just did that right off the top. You will get help in the form of understanding, comfort and care. I am sorry all your kids are elsewhere this holiday weekend. It sounds like one or two of them live nearby but have plans. And I suspect you have no interest in going where they are going with them. Do you have a friend nearby who you might take a walk with or share a burger with? My weekend will be quiet because I need it to be and because holidays seem to be that way. I have to go to a birthday party for a while tonight and will spend some of Saturday with a girl friend (I smile-I am a 73 year old "girl" and she is close behind) and I will buzz into Madison (I live in WI) as I need to get a small area rug for my art studio...one end of it. I plan things like that on holidays as most people are with family around here in our small rural town and I do not know crowds of strangers...this birthday party tonight will be mostly friends...so it is ok. Anyway, that is one way of distracting yourself on a holiday weekend...build in some gardening or a short task....and come here. I do admire you coming here, reaching out and sharing our journey. Peace to your heart (it will return) Mary

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Chris, I do understand how things you once loved and cherished have lost meaning and how you wish to capture all the moments and memories in your journal. I think we do what we have to do in order to get through the tough days. After Bill died I had no desire or motivation to go on. I do understand. What I can say to you, and I never thought I would hear myself say this, but it does get easier to walk the journey. You will grieve this loss forever and there will always be a hole in your life and heart but it does get better because we learn how to carry the grief and integrate it and be with our memories and our spouses in a new way. I still talk to Bill all the time. I feel him in my heart and being and his life and love inspires me daily. I am never without him...ever ever. But it takes time and a lot of tears and journaling and sharing here and with certain others. It is a journey and what I have learned is that patience is needed. You came here which speaks of your courage and strength. You shared your story and will continue to do so and that takes love and courage. You will make it just as all of us have and we will support you as you walk. Peace, Mary

I completely ditto this, Mary wrote exactly what I wished to write.

I also want to add that it might be helpful to see the doctor...you mention anxiety attacks, I know what that is and finally got the help I wish I'd gotten years ago. I'm on a very mild safe medication (Buspirone) and although it doesn't remove anxiety 100%, it takes the edge off so it's easier to cope. I was pleased that it doesn't leave me unfeeling or like a zombie and doesn't have side effects.

The other thing I wanted to point out is that it helped me tremendously to try not to focus on the whole "rest of my life" which is to invite anxiety. I can't handle dealing with everything that is to come, but I can tackle today. Try not to think about all of the holidays, etc. to come, and just focus on what is right now. Yes, kids will go on with their busy lives, and really we wouldn't want it any different. We alone seem to be left with dealing with the grief work, but as Mary pointed out, we do get more adept at handling it. For most of us, the nights, weekends, and certainly holidays, were the toughest...for the retired, I think every day loomed heavily. Little by little we begin to process the grief and adjust to being alone, and the level of intensity you are experiencing right now begins to simmer down into something a little more manageable. There is no quick fix to grief, no instant relief, there is no way but to face it and walk straight through it. If there were a way to circumvent the pain, we would have found it by now. But as is usually the case with the hard places in our lives, we learn and grow and sometimes there's even a silver lining or two along the way, I have found that to be true. All of us would give everything to have our loved one back, but we know that isn't an option, so we work hard to try to acknowledge the little joys that do exist...a grandchild's smile, a puppy's kiss, a rainbow, a sunset, a stranger holding a door open, someone letting us merge...these are the "little joys" that still exist for us. I try not to let the devastation that turned my life upsidedown June 19, 2005 on Father's day deprive me of the little bits of joy sprinkled here and there. That was something I started working on two weeks after my husband's death, and am even still making the effort to realize. This grief work and surviving it is not for the faint-hearted, but we are not faint-hearted, we are the survivors. We didn't ask to be, there were times we didn't want to, but we are, and I know my George would be proud of me for it.

One day at a time...

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Mary also made a great suggestion...that of forming some kind of plan for yourself for holiday weekends, or even just any weekend. Maybe even just one little thing to look forward to, to distract you, coffee with a friend, attending something...just making sure you aren't alone for the entire weekend. In the beginning, I couldn't go "have fun", the grief was too deep, and people stopped inviting...somewhere along the way I gave myself permission to enjoy in life again, but that took a while...quite a ways down the road and that's something you'll cross way later on. For now, it's just good for you to have something to look forward to as a three day weekend can really stretch out. My job was cut back to four days a week so normally I spend the first day doing chores, cleaning, laundry, cooking, yard work, etc. and fall into bed exhausted. The second day I try to have lunch with a friend and maybe take my dog for a drive in the woods followed by a long walk, or something to that effect. The third day is filled with Morning Worship Team Practice, Sunday School, church, choir practice, then I come home and do some cooking and relax so I can be prepared for my hectic work week. Finally it becomes a routine and I get more used to it. There are always those sudden "grief bursts" we have learned to expect and accept, where it just hits you out of nowhere, at any time...we cry, fume, let it out, and go on. They become less frequent with time.

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Chris, I agree with Kay's post....do try to plan even one thing in the middle of the holiday weekend...with someone. Weekends have been my toughest time because we always kept Sunday as our day (barring some event we HAD little choice about). So Sundays are still my toughest day and around here the town is quiet unless there is an art fair or an event IN town. So it is really hard for me. I live rural and you can drive by any farm and see a dozen cars there because the family has gathered which is lovely. The same is true in town...it is family time for many so I am TRYING to think differently about weekends esp Sundays but I am not there yet.

Do give serious thought to NOT looking down the road. Get through today...that is a huge achievement. I thought getting out of bed in the morning was big. I do that well now though not without missing Bill upon awakening or crying because I woke in the middle of a dream about us. But MOST mornings are ok now. There IS hope. Just hang with us and you will get there and we will help you. This is a rare place.

Mary

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Chris,

I'm very sorry for your loss and commend the caring and love you shared with Paula.

I lost my former fiancee and partner of 10 years, Kathy Hiebel, in 2006 to a tragic cycling accident.

I found that I wasn't able to really grieve until I had another partner within the year following her death. Miraculously; Melanie and I have been able to survive this rocky re-start; largely due to her professional experience with depression, and her patience.

Coming up on 7 years aince losing Kathy, I still have moments of sadness now and then.

One of our shared passions was cycling. Though Melanie is also a cyclist, it's only this past year that I've finally felt inspired to ride again with enthusiasm.

I want to let you know that a great amount of healing is possible. You MUST be patient, and allow yourself the space to experience your sadness. But try not to feel hopeless. There is hope.

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Maury,

Good to see you hear again. Also good to hear you've been cycling again, I hope all is well with you and Melanie!

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Mary, I see by your 3500+ posts you are a regular. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

After this early mornings post I indeed sucumb to that anxiety attack. Finally calming myself about 9:30 am I fell into complete exhaustion sleep. Waking about 1:30 pm not feeling any benefits from the tumultious "sleep", I strived to work in my journal to no avail. I just couldn't organize any coherent thoughts. Struggeling to accomplish my chores I had to leave our house. This in of itself causes anxiety but I went anyway as I had no other choice. While out I realized not only the hour of my earlier hours posting, but today is in fact the 5 week date of loosng my dear wife. Still counting time in weeks. It feels like so long ago, but just yesterday too. Feeling another "episode" coming on . Shaking hands, upset stomach, heart racing, chest tightening, confusion, and the ever present headache.

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Mary, I see by your 3500+ posts you are a regular. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

After this early mornings post I indeed sucumb to that anxiety attack. Finally calming myself about 9:30 am I fell into complete exhaustion sleep. Waking about 1:30 pm not feeling any benefits from the tumultious "sleep", I strived to work in my journal to no avail. I just couldn't organize any coherent thoughts. Struggeling to accomplish my chores I had to leave our house. This in of itself causes anxiety but I went anyway as I had no other choice. While out I realized not only the hour of my earlier hours posting, but today is in fact the 5 week date of loosng my dear wife. Still counting time in weeks. It feels like so long ago, but just yesterday too. Feeling another "episode" coming on . Shaking hands, upset stomach, heart racing, chest tightening, confusion, and the ever present headache.

Chris, have you thought about getting in touch with a grief counselor and developing a supportive relationship with that person face to face. I did it and others have and it might help with the anxiety. Also have you figured out anything that calms you and if not you may wish to talk to your physician about a PRN to take when you know your heart is racing so etc. Have you ever tried meditaiton or other stress management techniques and are anxiety attacks new to you?

I had no idea I have posted 3,500 times...that is amazing...about 1,200 a year or 100 a month. 100 a month does not sound so huge. Whatever it is, it is. Think about getting some help with that anxiety. Please.

Mary

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Thank you all so much. Maybe the idea of "tomorrow' or "the future' is too daunting a task right now. Paula and I lived in "the moment" so easily. Apparently I have mis-placed that mind-set. I will try,given the rawness still, to focus short term. Paula was oh so good at keeping us so grounded, so intuned to the "here and now". I just lost sight of that consumed by the turmoil without her.

Yes I have had these "attacks" before. As I was leaving my first loveless, contentious marriage, I came very, very, close to the brink. Hopeing that Paula could/would be my salvation I turned to her. She was very eager to leave her physically abusive, violence prone first husband but afraid to do so. In every true sense of the word we were each others salvation, literally. The love we shared, her grounding me, me comforting her, our healing of each other began immediately. With her gentle loving, careing manner, she loved me away from what would have been my undoing. Never to have to experience that hell again due to her loving ways. I loved her in return with continued support, re-intalling her sense of self, her self confidence, her inner strength, her beauty, and her meaning to me. Now with this resurfacing again I turn to her for comfort to find she is not there but in memory.

I think I will try to limit the dark specter of that yet unknown future and focus on today, or the next day, at the most, if my mind will let me. I still have no desire to interact with others but will cautiously try to wait and see.

If I can figure out how, I would love to post a picture of the two of us. The mutual love and respect captured so nicely.

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And I urge you as do others here including Marty, our moderator and a skilled grief counselor: see your physician regarding the anxiety attacks. There is nothing wrong with using a wisely chosen medication for a while to help you through these anxious times. And yes, looking too far ahead is just a no-no right now. One day at a time. Just as Paula liked.

Peace

Mary

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