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Dear Chris, if you are reading the posts here, I know I am not alone in hoping we hear from you so we know you are ok. These excruciatingly painful days do not last forever...you have to trust all of us who have walked this journey for a while. We are here to assist you in any way we can and urge you to assist yourself by getting some help. Do let us know you are ok. I am sorry, so very sorry, for your loss and the pain you are experiencing.

Mary

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Mary, Kristen, Kay, Marty, Anne, thank you all. As you can see I'm still here. Still in pain but feeling better. Your support and care, along with considering what My Paula wants for me gave me pause to reconsider. Focusing on that aspect while ignoring the mailstrom, I see a glimmer of hope. Somehow during that long and tenuious night her peace came over me. Nothing can ever be the same. I will grieve for her, miss her terribly, love her, and be in love with My Paula for as long as I live.

My Paula loved her quiet times working picture puzzles. Sometimes a piece or two was missing. "Why work them if you know pieces are missing" I asked once. Her reply was.. "I don't know what is missing if I don't put it back together". Enough said. I don't know exactly what all is missing if I don't make the effort to put my life back together. I owe that to her.

My Paula never wanted anything less than the absolute best for me. And me the absolute best for her. Anything short of our best is being untrue and dishonest with each other. We are never anything less than open and honest, sharing every aspect of life as one. I realize that not going on dishonors My Paula. And she so richly deserves nothing less than my best.

I set off on this third great journey of discovery. One with My Paula still the guiding force in my heart and life. Who knows where she will lead me? Keeping her lifes motto in mind,... "Live, Love, Laugh"... I hopefully look ahead.

Thank you all for your support of this lonely, but now cautiously hopeful, soul.

"Good night Dear. I Love you".

Chris

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Dear Chris, I am so relieved and glad that you were loyal to yourself and Paula in honoring and giving hope to your own life here. I know everyone here is relieved and more peaceful on your behalf and on our own. We have all felt and gone through those feelings so we know the pull you were experiencing. But you are a part of this group (tribe as fae calls it) and we will support you as best we can with caring and love and you will suppport us and others as we walk this labyrinth of grief, ride the roller coaster up and down and around, and survive the tsunamis that will come barging into our lives. I know we are all honoring the courage of your decision and though there will be times when you doubt it, we will remind you :) and help you on the journey. We all do that for each other.

I needed meaning and purpose and so I see my life now as a mission to help others (not new for me) but I am mostly focused now on those who grieve. It took a while to get clear on that and I am still not clear on the form that will take but it is slowly evolving. Peace to your heart, Mary

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Chris,

I'm so glad to hear from you! My offer still stands, if you ever feel you need to talk to someone, you can call me.

The things Paula is teaching you hasn't stopped, even now. I have found that to be true of my George.

While it's true, that while we are here on Earth, we have to do without the physical presence of our beloved, I firmly believe with all my heart we will be joined together again one day, never to be separated again. And I've learned to incorporate George into my heart and life, just in another way, I've learned to draw from him from within me. I realize that there will never be anyone like my George, the mold was thrown away after he was formed, and our fit was so perfect, he remains my Soul Mate and best friend, thru all time.

I see Mary just posted as I was writing, pretty hard to beat her! :)

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Good Morning, Chris,

I think that we are a strong and resilent bunch here on this forum and we find the strength we need by coming here and saying what we have to say and we just know that those here 'get it'. Thank you for letting us know that you listened to your Paula and to your own self. I find much of my strength comes from listening to my Jim. He was a kind and gentle man and always wanted the absolute best for me. He thought I could do no wrong but actually in my book he did no wrong. My Jim was a puzzle worker also and I used to watch him. It seemed like he could work on a puzzle for hours.

Your journey is just beginning but there is a special strength that you will draw from coming to this forum. I am so glad that you are here. We all journey together and sometimes the waves we have to ride are not easy but when we ride them we come out just a tiny bit stronger. Peace to you, Anne

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Thank you for your follow-up messages. As most of you already know, I have no idea where this lext leg of my journey will take me. I do know My Paula will forever be there with me. Not so daunting a task when not alone. Her strength led us through some pretty tough situations before. How could I consider going on without her now, to not take My Paula on this new adventure? I Know she is more than willing to go if it means we are together. Yes, I anticipitate hard times to come. This grief lasts. We made it this far. We will make it even farther, together.

Also, Kayc, I have no idea where to find your number should I need/want to talk. I honesty do appreciate your offer.

Having survived the worse so far I will be here if I can, in some small way, help others.

Chris

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Well, Chris, most of us do not know the road ahead...grief shifts and changes but what we all know is that we are on the road, doing our best and helping. You have already helped others without knowing it...just in asking for help, sharing your feelings and accepting hope into your life. Others will see that and be encouraged. And yes, Paula is with imho every step of the way. Bill inspires me and his very being and soul keep me going when I can do nothing else. He was a kind and sensitive man...Peace, Mary

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Chris, my dear, I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know how much brighter you've made this day for all of us, as we celebrate the fact that you've decided to stay here with us. Once you join this flock, this tribe, this family, you become an essential part of what makes us so special. When you're not here we worry. When we see you here, we feel hopeful and relieved. We find our strength in one another, and today you've helped to make all of us a little stronger than we were before. Thank you for that

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Chris, I sent it by "message", up at the top of the page should be messenger and if you have it set up you might reach it through notifications.

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I have a quick question for you Chris - does your Hospice have grief counseling available to you as the spouse? I cannot tell you how helpful it has been for me during this year. At first I did not think I needed to talk with anyone so I rejected the invite to call for a grief counselor until two months into my loss of Jim. It has been the best action I took. I have been guided by a very dear and caring grief counselor who has really tapped into who I am. She has helped me to come to a place where I feel that not only have I brought my mind and heart together but I don't feel bad when I cry openingly. Something I had a hard time doing at first. Ask Mary about that for she also knows how held back I have been over the past year. We do heal in time and I never thought I would. Jim and I had been married for forty years and we were lovers in the true sense of that word. He was my everything and I felt abandoned when he died. I have only begun my grief journey but it is a beginning and I really would not be here if it weren't for the loving care of the people here on our forum. Thank you for being here. Remember, one minute, one hour or one day at a time is what it is going to take. Keep in touch when you can and know that we will always be here. There is always someone listening. That is just the way it is on this forum. Anne

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Chris,

I'm so glad you are ok and are staying here! This really is a helpful and very loving, supportive, and caring site. Sometimes we get lots of things to read on grief and it is helpful, but can be hard to stay focused enough to even read one article. I have always been a reader, but find it very hard to stay focused or motivate myself these days to do too much. Use this site for whatever helps you whether it's reading, listening to others, or sharing more of your wonderful memories with Your Paula. It was hard for me to doso, but even though i cry threw typing or writing-i love sharing the good memories i have of me and MM. I would talk, but no one in my in person life wants to hear. Just remember that even in those moments when you find yourself at your breaking point-crying uncontrolably, walking in circles, aching all over for Your Paula....she is with you. It wasn't too much comfort to me when i was told this, but i hope it is to you. I feel MM with me. No it's not the same and can be hard as hell hard to pull yourself out of that spiral (especially when you know she would be right there holding you) --FEEL her. Feel all her love for you. Keep talking to her. Tell her how you feel. I have a feeling you do so already :) i talk to MM all the time. I'm far from an expert and many others here know more then i do, but i am very in touch with my pain and all i am going threw with loosing my soulmate. We are all here for you :) you can private message me if you'd ever like too. I don't sleep much anymore. Again-so glad you are ok and staying :)

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I appreciate the support. As a matter of fact I think a counsolor from our Hospice might call tomorrow. I had asked about memorial services they host but got a list of monthly support groups. Either way I feel I made a hasty decision to try to move on so quickly. After all, this Thursday is only the six week date of losing My Paula. It's too soon. Tell me it is still the grief and not something else. Somehow it just doesn't feel right. Like to a certain extent I will be abandoning My Paula just so I can lessen the pain and misery I endure. But to take action detremental towards My Paula is one action I can not take. I still cling to her with all my being. Right back where I started. Can't go back-can't go forward. I guess I remain in this state of uncertainty until something changes. A very uncomfortable, lonely state.

Finally talked to our daughter this morning. Our son called tonight after they got back. Haven't heard from our grand-daughter yet. I feel better having family close again.

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Chris, you mentioned you tried to move on too quickly and it has been just 5 + weeks since Paula died. I do not even remember the first 3-4 months...just a few things including funeral preparation. This journey varies for all of us but can't be rushed. You will miss her forever and the best thing you can do for yourself (and yes, for her) is to just slow down and allow your grief to be. I am glad you have contacted a grief counselor...I did that and joined a Hospice spousal loss group and then here. This is a huge loss. I do not need to tell you that. It affects your entire life so just try to accept the fact that you are grieving and will grieve for a long while. We are all so very glad and relieved about your decision to stay among us and to honor Paula who would want the best for you and the best is life. I am so glad your family is nearby again.

Peace

Mary

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Dear Chris

I've been away from home but just wanted to tell you how brave you are being. Like Mary I don't even remember the months after Pete died. It was last May and sometimes people will mention say the weather then or events and I have no recollection at all. I existed in a dreamlike or more accurately nightmare like state. I can't honestly say I'm much better but I think we have to acknowledge that a loss of that scale can never be got over, all we can hope is to carry on as our loved ones would want us to. When we have had a wonderful partner we have to be content with that, and hope that we can still enjoy some things as we know they would want.

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Being a Christian, I have prayed for intervention almost continiously. I learned about a speciffic prayer. I prayed directly to Jesus asking Him to go to My Paula to ask her if she would please send me a sign that all was well with her. Last night I made that prayer. My Paula came to me in a vision. She is the most kind, gentle, giving, caring person I have ever known. I saw her in heaven tending to others before herself just as she so humbly attended to others first when here. Her giving spirit spreading to others as she cared for and served them. Pleasing others pleases her immensely. She is now so very pleased, happy, and content to be able to do so for eternity. I wakened being thrilled for her.

Now later, the reality sets in. That I can not be the receipient of her tender graces until we meet again in Heaven. I miss My Paula so dearly. Hopefully my joy for her will someday out-weigh the grief and loss I now endure.

Chris

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Chris i'm so happy you saw Your Paula and it was a positive experience. Try to be kind to yourself :) people here will support you. They know a lot and care. I wish you all the best.

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Hospice usually helps the one who is left behind, I also had a grief counselor when George died, he wasn't right for me so I discontinued after a while, but most are better, I just live in a rural area where there isn't much choice. This site has been invaluable to me!

I know I was in a fog the first few months and remember my feelings...anxiety, fear, loneliness, it was overwhelming. It takes time to work our way through it.

I haven't received any visions but am glad it was of some comfort to you.

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I agree, Kay. Hospice here provided a grief counselor also but she was about very young and not helpful so I cancelled her and sought out someone in Madison at a Hospice there. That was a good experience. Chris, I hope you got in touch with the grief counselor and have set up some meetings.

Reality will set in daily...it still sets in and catches me off guard sometimes. You can do this, Chris. We are all here.

Mary

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Oh my friends. I am hurting terribly right now. How do any of you deal with any one wave of anguish? I know I am still a rookie with this but what can I do?

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Chris, I call those tsunamis of grief. They do come and many times we have no clue what triggered them. I allow myself to sob as crying is healing. Then sometimes, it is all so different from moment to moment, journaling or writing a letter to Bill helps. Other times a movie on TV distracts me. Ice cream works sometimes. Calling a friend to come and sit with you or play chess. It is just so different from person to person and moment to moment. Do you have a friend you can call? What about one of your kids. I know parents do not like to call on their kids at times like this. We do have control over what we allow ourselves to think and after allowing the pain its time, sometimes it boils down to making a decision, a choice that you will just not allow your pain to wipe you out any longer. Usually when I get into that, and it does not happen often now and I am used to it so it does not scare me much at all, having someone with you is a great distraction. You could just make a bunch of posts telling us all about your Paula and your life with her. I will check the boards later.

Wish I had a magic wand but there is not one. I just know it gets easier to handle in time.

Mary

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I cry, and sob, and sometimes even scream while looking in the mirror. I look so funny that it makes me laugh. I eat chocolates or ice cream and watch a silly movie. I write a letter to Jim and tell him how unfair life is and how hard it is without him. I distract myself by cooking something I really really like like fettucine alfredo with very heavy cream and garlic bread. Then I have to put it in containers and give it to neighbors because I can not eat that meal anymore because I am restricted with my sodium and fluid intake. But it's fun to fix it and it does get me out of a mood and the lucky neighbors love it.

And on a more serious note, Chris, I pray. I have called a friend and cried over the phone. I have called a friend and asked if they could come over and they have done that. In this grief of ours I have found out that we need to ask for what it is we need because no one will know if we don't. You are here and all of us are good listeners. Anne

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Chris,

I usually try to ride it out. If I need to, I cry, scream, whatever. I don't as much now that I'm years out, but I sure did at first...but even now it hits now and then. Walking relieves stress, so I do that. And judging from the weight I gained, I tried to eat my grief. I couldn't watch tv the first year or so. I still can't read books, I lost my focus and after eight years I still don't have it back. I don't know if I ever will but it's not looking likely...I've accepted it, it is what it is. And I cleaned. The morning after George died, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I don't know what that was about, I'm not a germ fanatic by any means. I have always been a pray-er but I found it hard to pray the first year after...God understands about that and girds us until such time as we can again. :) And the neat thing about it is, He understand everything we are going through and He can take our buffeting...He has broad shoulders. He really understands.

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Riding it out seems to be my best choice, too. I have no appetite so have lost about 20-25 lbs since about March when My Paula started her rapid decline. She lost her appetite, I lost mine. I don't read much anymore. Or work my cross-word puzzles. Or work on my project car. I turn on the TV but not much holds my attention. Sleep is pretty much hit-or-miss. I mostly sit alone trying to comprehend and realize the terrible truth. My brain seems to be running in over-drive most of the time. Facts, figures, dates, good times, images, need to's, have to's, memories, and on and on. Tomorrow marks the six week date of loosing My Paula. I expect to be up around 3:00 AM in the morning and have a difficult day too.

Our oldest son,daughter-in-law, and eight year old, came for a visit this afternoon. Was nice to see them. They will be back Saturday if not before. Bobbie is so good to help me deal with issues I still can't/don't want to deal with alone. She lost her DAD just one month before we lost My Paula. Yet she (Bobbie) still tends to me, too. Recently she asked me if it was alright with me if she could now call me DAD. I was deeply honored by her request.

This is still all so confusing and upsetting. This new reality really BITES!

And I pray several times a day, too.

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Yeah, that sounds about like it. I don't think anyone can prepare for how hard hitting it is. I'm glad you have your DIL. My son was in the Air Force when George died and could only get a week off, and my daughter was here off and on for a while but after that I was alone. The focus deficit and lack of drive persists and its hard to combat. It's like I have to force myself whereas I never did before. I get done the things I have to do, but seem to lack interest in things that once would have drawn me.

You're lucky you have the ability to pray, it took me about a year before I really could, although I went through the motions and tried, it's like I couldn't concentrate on anything,

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Dear Chris,

Tears just streamed down my face when I read your story. I wish we could all be there for you. I am so very, very sorry for your loss of Paula. It's just been nine months since I lost my Marco to a sudden heart attack. Coming to this forum and going to a grief support group at a local church has helped tremendously. We all relate to how alone you feel, but when you come here, there are loving and caring people reaching out to help you. I haven't posted for a while because I feel like I'm in a cocoon right now. The people here understand us. I don't have much to offer, but they certainly do. I wish I could contribute as much as they do. It's a learning experience to see how everyone travels through this journey in their own way. I pray everyday as you do and I'm glad you were able to see your Paula, and how happy she is in heaven.

On May 20th, nine months since Marco passed, I prayed for a sign that he is all right and with me. I went shopping and as I looked out the car window, there were two most beautiful big butterflies flying with each other out of nowhere, and I knew that was Marco giving me a sign that he was with me and all right. Marco always knew how much I loved butterflies. Have faith, Paula will come again to you when you least expect it. I pray everyday for everyone on this blessed forum that we all have found.

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