I Need Your Help

[kayc]

Pumkin, I'm glad you got your butterflies sign.

[boogieman]

Butterflies. How beautiful.

Today was slightly better than I expected. Our daughter came to get me for a short trip out of the house. Stopped by the grocery on the way back home. What a blessing she is to me. Just like her MOMZ. Talking to her is so easy and comfortable. Reminds me of My Paula in that regard. As the night wore on I feel the loneliness once again permeating me. The quietness is deafening. I want and need My Paula to talk to, in person. I have this overwhelming need to hold her, kiss her, just be with her. Realizing this can't be I fall into despair and tears. This agony is consuming me. And I can do nothing about it until it decides it has wrung the last bit of energy out of me, again. Now exhausted, I should head to bed. I know I won't sleep so why bother? To sit up alone in agony, or go with my heart breaking to our oh so lonely bed? The real tears for today are yet to come. When will this nightmare end? Will it never end? Too many questions with no answers.

[enna]

I am so glad that your daughter was with you today, Chris. Yes, everything that you said about wanting your Paula to be with you in person will not happen until you meet again but you have your imagination. Early on in my grief journey our moderator, Marty, told me that our imaginations are wonderful things and we can imagine that our loved ones are holding us, talking with us, listening to us. I believe this. Everytime I see a hummingbird or a butterfly or hear a bird sing I think my Jim is right with me. Sitting on the patio tonight here in The Valley of AZ I saw two hummingbirds flying around the yard moving closer and closer to me. So, what do you think I thought?

Yes, it is going to be lonely but you are going to be fine because that is how you want to be for Paula. We are here for you. Anne

[mfh]

Chris, I am so glad that you had some moments yesterday that were a bit, just a bit, better than most have been these past 5 weeks. And I know they were just moments... I know it feels like the agony of this loss is consuming you. I know it is just gut wrenching. I also know you will come through these very painful days and that we have all come through the early days as will you. We are all here for you. I would suggest you try sleeping wherever you are most likely to get some sleep. Sleep is so important. I hope today you get out of the house for a walk or a grocery run...something to distract you for a while. I know Paula is proud of you.

Mary

[boogieman]

Hello Pumkin. I call our daughter "Punkin", her daughter "Peanut", and her daughter "Puddin". How special to hear from you.

Went to bed about 10:30 PM. Still awake at 12:30 AM. Fell asleep from exhaustion. Woke at 2:30 AM in the grip of a terrible nightmare. As My Paula and I were cuddeling in our bed late at night, as we often do, a woman dressed in a white nurses uniform and white clown make-up with huge ruby red lips, came into our room and began attacking My Paula with an old wooden handled hatchet. All in ultra slow-motion. I couldn't grab the hatchet or get up to intercede. (I'm sure a dream analyst would have a field day with that.) None-the-less I woke in a panic, frozen in the moment. Still awake at 4:30 AM. Up at 9:30 AM to face another lonely day. Maybe every day is getting slightly easier. Hard to determine based on the intolerable waves of grief. Hoping to spend part of the day with Bobbie so I called. Seems Greg is taking off early today so they can have an early evening, dinner, and a movie together. I am so happy for them and the memories they are creating. So much like My Paula and I shared.

So I spend another day alone so desperately wanting/needing human contact with loved ones.

How sad has my life become? Yesterday our daughter made a refference to her..."Raggedy Andy Doll image of her Dad". All in loving kindness but still true from her perspective. I honor and respect her honesty. My Paula taught us all the value of open communication tempered with loving kindness.

Please forgive my sharing these hard moments, the personal details of my current life, here. I know they may be disturbing to some. I feel the need for contact with those with whom I share a common heartache. For me, once or twice a month in counciling isn't sufficient. Bear with me as I struggle to get through this seemingly never-ending nightmare.

Chris

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, that is precisely what this site is for ~ to be a safe place where you can share whatever is on your mind and in your heart, knowing that you will be among kindred spirits who are walking this same path with you, whether that is beside you, behind you or ahead of you. And I can assure you that nothing you have said is disturbing to any of us. ♥

[mfh]

Chris, I just wanted to respond to your concern about your post disturbing someone. I see nothing in your post that would be disturbing. We are all here to share our pain. So much of what people post is just what someone else has felt or experienced. I hope you can let go of that concern.

I know this is a lonely journey. This group helps a lot but the bottom line is that it is lonely. Do keep posting whatever you are feeling and wish to share. It does help alleviate some of the feeling of being alone.

Mary

[boogieman]

Have had time to think on my nightmare early this morning. Here's what I think. My Paula and I cuddeling in bed represents the wonderful life we shared. The clown faced nurse stands for both the insidious nature of cancer, and the wonderful medical and Hospice care we received. Even the best care could not save her. The hatchet attack demonstrates the brutality and bluntness, the disregard and random nature, of My Paula's cancer. The attack on her back, waist, and mid-section locates and isolates her cancer. My being unable to stop the attack, my horror, my frozen state, demonstrates my inability to protect My Paula from the brutal non-stop nature of her cancer. The slow-motion illustrates the three year time frame we tried so valiently, to no avail, to overcome this condition. I wish I didn't have such time to ponder these things, but my analytical mind needs to probe these issues.

Hopefully tonight will be better. I don't ever want/need to relive that horror again. Sometims a mind is just a terrible place.

Trust me, I would never intentionally bring-up any issue if I know it would ever upset anyone. Like "they" say..."If we're alone in this, we're alone in this together".

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, it certainly sounds like you have analyzed your dream as you listened to your own feelings and interpretations of it...those are what matter in analyzing dreams, I believe. Again, I want to say that you are free to being up any issue you want to. I believe that if someone posts something that trips off tears or memories (good or bad) for me, that is a good thing...an opportunity for me to look at that within myself. We are alone in this together. I like that. I hope you get some sleep tonight. Mary

[pumkin]

Dear Chris,

I came back to this thread to see how you are doing. I'm sorry your dream upset you so much, but glad that you were able to analyze it. Nothing you say here would upset any of us. We're here for you no matter what. Your particular story about you and Paula just touched my heart. Sharing our hard moments with each other is what gets us through, sometimes when nothing else can. Some days are a little better than others. Your precious daughter, who reminds you of Paula, is definitely a blessing in your life. We all feel the need for contact with those who share a common heartache. That's why I come here. I like the fact that you said, Paula taught you and your family the value of open communication tempered with loving kindness. What a very special lady! Her love emanates through you and your children. It's heartwarming to hear that you call your daughter, Pumpkin and her daughter, Peanut and her daughter Puddin'. I had a little Chihuahua that I called Peanut. Hearing you say that you call your daughter, Pumkin, put a smile on my face and I thank you for that. You're in my prayers. I'll check in again to see how you are doing.

[kayc]

Chris,

I'm glad you had some time with your daughter. I'm sorry the dream was so upsetting but I'm sure you're right about what it stood for. You are processing her death and all you have been through. I love your nicknames for those you love.

[boogieman]

Yesterday I had a vey good and much needed visit from our son, daughter-in-law, and oldest grand-daughter. Even slept well last night. Today I find myself alone again, needing to ask a rhetorical question.

How do I cope with the abject pain of loosing My Paula, the one person I still so passionately love and absolutely need in my life?

I know there isn't a pat answer. Have been crying for over an hour with no end in sight. This heartache is beyond anything I have ever experienced. It is hell. The utter and complete frustration of being totally helpless is driving me out of my mind.

There must be something I can do other than ride-it-out.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I am so glad you had your son et al over and that it was a good visit.

As for your question-we do it one hour or day at a time. I have no wisdom on this. We do it by reaching out here; by getting out with friends once in a while to distract yourself and get some support; by getting into counseling -at Hospice or a church group or somewhere; by eating well; exercising; sleeping; reading and educating yourself about grief...a good starting place is Marty's site (www.griefhealing.com).

Now I know that is overwhelming and you can not do it all at once. But the one day at a time or one hour is critical and so is self care and support. Those are the essentials.

I wish I had a better answer but others will chime in I am sure. Know that we are always here.

Mary

[kayc]

Chris,

When I first lost George, I took on the whole rest of my life at once and was quickly overwhelmed...I found I couldn't do "the rest of my life" and had to take baby bites...one day at a time...breaking it down to one hour, one minute, whatever I could handle. I tried to learn to let loose of worrying and just tackle what I could. I'm still struggling to do that but it gets better with practice. There are some things I have had to learn that I will do without and it's taken time to get used to that...such as not having him to cuddle with or not having him lying next to me. The things he used to do like pull the refrigerator out or change the oil in the car...well I've learned to do some of those things and hire done some of those things and let some things go. But no one can fill the void of "him". I did get a dog to love me and give me companionship and that helped...of course it isn't the same, but it helps.

[pumkin]

Dear Chris,

Glad to hear you had a good night's sleep after seeing your son, daughter-in-law and grand-daughter. I know how the loneliness surrounds you. I just came home from church today and starting crying and couldn't stop, until I got on this forum and read Anne's soothing words about her first year of grief. A peace came over me when reading her post. I'm just in my tenth month missing my Marco. Just want to hold him and hug him like we used to. I sometimes write a letter to my Marco, telling him how I'm feeling and other days I just plain talk to him. But just like Mary says, one day at a time.

[boogieman]

As I was preparing a bite of lunch earlier, I simply looked at a picture of My Paula. Feeling rested from last night, and being in some-what of a good mood, I half chuckled as I reached over to touch her picture saying "I Love You Dear". Immediately I was overwhelmed with emotions. A surge of bitter truth ran through me like a lightening bolt. The reality of My Paula being gone hit me so hard I could hardly catch my breath. Once again to be thrown against the jagged rocks of despair.

It's about three hours later and I feel no better.

I write to My Paula daily. I talk to her daily. I miss her minute by minute. Anything and everything I do evokes some image or connection to her. I can't let her go. I won't let her go. The physical, emotional, agony I now endure is child's play against the reality of being without her. This just can't be happening. I can't deal with this truth. This can't be my life. I feel as I am being skinned alive the torture so great, the agony so deep, the loneliness so impossible to bear.

Oh My Paula, how can I go on without you?

[Cakes01]

I spoke words like these just minutes ago standing in the kitchen. Wish i had some helpful words, but i am not able to comprehend that My Marcus is gone yet. Don't know if it helps-really truly hope it doesn't hurt to know someone else is down at the base of their existance as well :( i try 15min at a time with the help of tv at times. Hang in there.

[Wifflesnook]

Chris, I talk to Pete all the time, but I don't get much back though I like to think that whenever I think of something good it is him inside my head. I may be kidding myself but it helps a tiny tiny bit. It's morning here in England. I find waking is the hardest part of the day. Please keep reading and sharing. I find it a comfort to know that others share my grief. It doesn't increase it thankfully. Jan

[enna]

Good Morning Chris,

The deep ache in your heart is because you have loved so much. It will ease. The tears still fall from my eyes every day and it has been one year. The tears are not as heart-wrenching but they fall. I allow them to and sometimes I even think of some happier moments while I'm crying and some of the tears end up being happy ones.

Journaling helps - and I still and will always talk to my Jim. Remember as you move from day to day that what you are going through is all 'normal' grieving.

I think that being here on this forum is a 'healing' part of your grief. Keep posting and reading as Jan said because both she and I know how helpful the sharing has been to us. Anne

[KATPILOT]

Chris,

I know what you feel when that happens. I know there is not much I can say to help. I go through it as well. Perhaps now that it has been two years and four months later, I find it doesn't make me come unglued as often when I see her face. maybe because I have the best picture I ever took of her as my screen saver (which by the way is my profile pic) I took it one year before she left on her 50th birthday when I took her to Hawaii. That was her favorite place on earth and she was the happiest she could ever be on that day. Now I see her every day and I smile more than I cry. I wish I could say it gets better because I still come apart at the strangest of times. Like being in the grocery store shopping alone. We did that a lot together and it just takes one song to set me off. I drive with dark tinted windows for a reason.

There is one special picture that I keep of her on the fridge. I took it on the day we were married and I put a quote under it that I found in Hospice material I had read.

It says simply:

"you came

we loved

you left"

I will survive untill I survive

and one day I will be alive again

[kayc]

I still talk to George, and he is inside my head all the time. I find it helps to write to him, talk to him, anything to keep him connected.

[boogieman]

Thanks to all. Being barely six weeks since My Paula passed away I am still reeling. Even now I feel tense, anxious, and stressed. These uneasy feelings keep me tied in knots almost continually. As a form of distraction, I have agreed to take a day long business trip tomorrow with our daughter. Now I am having second thoughts. I really do not want to go but the idea of her alone on the highway for four hours causes me concern for her. I fear I might have another anxiety/stress attack due to being away for soo long. I irrationally think of what might happen to My Paula if I am away? What if a burglar strikes? What if there is a fire? Or an explosion? Or any other type of disaster? How could My Paula protect or defend herself? Irrational as these things seem, they are causes of deep, real, concern for me. This is our house. Our home. The place we both so dearly love. Where we spent the last twelve years of our lives together. Leaving here for almost any reason causes me both physical pain and emotional stress.

[Wifflesnook]

Chris I totally understand that kind of irrationality. And I too cling to being in our house which is so precious to us. But it sounds as though you should venture out with her, and by helping her with our companionship you will be helping yourself just a tiny bit maybe?

[kayc]

Chris,

I think it is great that you are placing your daughter's safety over your own comfort level and I applaud you for being will to go with her. Could it be that your protective stance towards Paula, even though she's passed, is due to your having taken care of her for so long?

[boogieman]

Thanks Jan and KayC. I found that getting out of the house for the day was very liberating. Not wanting to go initially, I went for our daughters' safety and companionship. Two hours down and two hours back and we talked, and talked, and talked. She and I talked like My Paula and I do. How wonderful it was. I haven't enjoyed that much conversation since this past January when My Paula started her inevitable decline. I think that the lack of a companion, someone to be with, is one of my greatest fears. What a great trip it was.

And, yes, having so proudly and willingly taking on the role of My Paulas' full time care giver for three years, I am very protective of her. She relied on me and depended on me for all the everyday things she couldn't do for herself. I tried my best to not let her down, although I know that inevetably I did in some manner. But I still dedicated myself to her care. Who else but me could love her the way I do? I am proud of myself for the dedication and determination I was able to provide for My Paula. I know she appreciated it. I tried my best to protect her, love her, care for her, and be there for her for thirty-five years. I wasn't about to NOT be there when she needed me most. In my mind, she still looks to me for protection and I will always be there for her. My Paula deserves nothing less.

Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it greatly. I know hard days lay ahead but this wasn't one of them!

Chris