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Chris,

My doctor tried to prescribe Valium for my anxiety. I argued with him, told him I didn't want something addictive since this wasn't a short term problem. I tried it for two days and took myself off of it. It did nothing to improve my disposition and it made me incredibly sleepy...which is dangerous considering my long commute, didn't help my ability at work either. So I researched it myself, and found Buspirone, in a class of its own, safe, and non-addictive. I went back to my doctor and told him I wanted to try it and I've been on it ever since. It may not be the one for you given your full blown attacks, anxiety does display different in different people, but l would definitely go to the doctor and discuss different options. I was getting anxiety welling up in me daily, plus getting occasional attacks (they felt like heart attacks). I haven't had a recurrence of the attacks since and it's been over five years.

When you find your mind starting to go to the "rest of your life", bring it back to today and tell yourself that is too much to handle, stay in today. It takes practice, but it does help. I still have to make effort to stay in today and I've been practicing this for quite some time.

Grief starts with loss but along the way, we learn so much that aids us in living. Stick around, you'll see. There have been so many more that have come through our doors, so to speak, than just us that are here right now. This place literally saved my life when my husband died. I don't know how I would have survived without this site and the people here.

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Today is today, for today. Wanting desperately to be with Paula again I hoped to dream about her to no avail. I woke feeling empty and hollow. Alone. So alone. After a good crying session I still feel the same. At barely five weeks since Paula was taken I find I miss her so profoundly deeply I can barely cope. I am, and will be, lost without her. But today is today. I must do that which I must do. It all seems so pointless and banal, so meaninglessly trivial.

Regarding the Doctor: I am retired, on a limited fixed income, on Medicare, hate going to any doctor, and am extremely averse to "drugs" for my personal use as they all leave me feeling dis-connected from reality. The anxiety and panic attacks I will try to control through sheer will-power, for now at least. Who knows. Perhaps a major anurism will relieve me of the agony and loneliness I now must endure.

In the present, I look forward to a quiet day alone with my Paula.

Chris

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One thing I find most daunting are the holidays. For example, Mother's Day was a disaster for me. The children were coming here to be with Paula on her day. Plans changed as I was asked to come to our oldest son and wife's house instead. Not really wanting to go, but not wishing to tarnish the day for her or Paula, I went. We had a pleasant visit. Found out later that Bobbie (daughter-in-law) was still grieving Paula's loss too. She had a lesser than expected day for herself. How I wish I could have made it better for her. Then headed to my Mothers (she lives a distance away) I was hit with a full blown anxiety-panic attack. Pulling off the road I realized I needed to be home with Paula. Home where we are safe, home where we belong, home together. I also realized a short time later on my drive back home, my immediate thoughts were what if something happens to her while I am gone? Arriving home it was a full hour before my stress and anxiety levels began to diminish. Is this crazy or not?

Now Memorial day is coming up. Our oldest (Greg), Bobbie, and their 8 year old, are headed to San Antonio for six days at Sea World, and Six Flags. Our Daughter (Emily) and her new romance are headed to Galveston for some beach time. Our oldest grand-daughter (Chrissie) is off to New Orleans with her church for a mission trip. Our youngest son (Bradley) and his wife (Jenn) live in Mass. I do hope they have the greatest of times. So a long holiday is upon us and not only will family be gone away, I feel even lonelier because Paula and I lived for these long weekends alone. To work in the yard and garden, long afternoon naps together, staying up late watching movies or talking, she cooking the special meals she so loved doing to surprise and please me. Just being together for our own pleasure. The continued shareing of our lives.

Still to come this year are Paula's birthday, our anniversary, the youngest son's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Paula's favorite holiday, Christmas. All to be spent alone for all intent and purpose. Crying again as I write even this, how will I be able to make the rest of the most significant days of our lives without her? Life seems so lonely, pointless and useless from my vantage point, right now.

Not intending to dredge-up uncomfortable situations for anyone, my mind wanders and the words and emotions spill out of their own accord.

Once again I appreciate all who take the time and make the effort to console this raw grieving soul. Re-reading this post it seems I might be a hopeless case. There are some of us you know.

Chris,

I am so sorry for your loss of your lovely wife, Paula. I know that others on this site have said it but I just want to say it also. You are not alone. All of us here understand what you are going through. We are here to listen and know that whatever you say, we will understand and offer our prayers as you go on this hard journey of grief. I, like so many others, lost my husband and soulmate of 46 years in January. I understand about holidays and the incredible pain they cause when your loved one is gone. I won't tell you the pain completely goes away, but it does get a little better. I hope this doesn't sound that an empty platitude because I truly believe that you need to just "take it one day at a time". We are here for you. Connie

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Today is today, for today. Wanting desperately to be with Paula again I hoped to dream about her to no avail. I woke feeling empty and hollow. Alone. So alone. After a good crying session I still feel the same. At barely five weeks since Paula was taken I find I miss her so profoundly deeply I can barely cope. I am, and will be, lost without her. But today is today. I must do that which I must do. It all seems so pointless and banal, so meaninglessly trivial.

Regarding the Doctor: I am retired, on a limited fixed income, on Medicare, hate going to any doctor, and am extremely averse to "drugs" for my personal use as they all leave me feeling dis-connected from reality. The anxiety and panic attacks I will try to control through sheer will-power, for now at least. Who knows. Perhaps a major anurism will relieve me of the agony and loneliness I now must endure.

In the present, I look forward to a quiet day alone with my Paula.

Dear Chris, All of us, I dare say, have felt how pointless and futile life can be following the loss of our spouses. No reason to get up, to go on. I felt that way and after three years of patience and work am slowly coming to a place where I do want to go on and find meaning and actually do find it in helping others, just as I have always done; and in my dog and in my painting. No, it is not the same and I cry often yet and grief triggers send me reeling and I feel like I have gone backwards. It is hard. There is no doubt about it but try not to make decisions NOW on how meaningful your life might be later. Just try to take care of yourself. I would say that in regard to seeing a physician regarding your anxiety attacks...self control may not be a great route IF that means gritting your teeth and bearing it. That is, in itself stressful. I am also on Medicare with a medigap policy via AARP and insurance has covered my appts and tests. I have seen more of my physician since Bill died than ever in my life as grief is exhausting and we are targets for things. I have had pneumonia twice along with other things-so watch out for that-hence the self care. I know you harbor the thought of an aneurysm taking your life...I hear you saying that...but try to be patient as difficult as that is. This does get better. You are still in the post-loss fog most likely. You are raw. If you can not get on top of the anxiety attacks soon (like a week), I urge you to see your physician. Mary

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Thank you again, Mary. As "they" say... "I'm struggeling as fast as I can". As I have had no need for a doctor for myself in almost six years (Thank You, Lord) I'm not even sure he can/will see me. Especially since the new health care laws are being implemented. He/they may, like so many in our area (Texas), won't accept patients relying on Medicare for payment. At $1,300/month total income I will barely make ends meet, much less support an insurance company with additional payments. I personally choose to have nothing to do with AARP. I once had home/auto insurance through them. I found better coverage at a 40% better rate privately. All that being said, my options are limited.

Sorry to hear of your on-going health issues. My plan all along has been to NOT GET SICK! It has worked up till now. We'll see how that pans out.

Chris

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Chris, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found this group, lots of sharing, support and information from those who know what it means to experience the loss of the one you love. I wanted to comment on the panic/anxiety. I do have the panic attacks and stress most definitely worsens them. The problem is there is no way completely rid yourself of stress while grieving. I've found, instead of trying to fight my way thru them, to relax into them, like a wave washing over you. Most importantly the breathing, when you are in the throes of one breathe only thru your nose, keep your mouth shut. This is hard at first, like you can't get breath, but if you can try to just slowly breathe thru your nose, it really helps the body calm down. Easier said than done, I know, but it will help. There are medicines that can be prescribed, I've tried small doses from time to time, but like you I don't like the way I feel at all when taking the medicine. It doesn't make me feel better, I feel worse. I hope this helps. You need to let your body heal and rest, which all takes time. Deborah

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Chris,

I won't tell you to see a doctor if you don't want to, but one consideration might be if you get established with someone now it might make it easier to be accepted by one when you need it, as most of us do at some point down the road.

I do understand your feelings, they are how I once felt.

We never stop missing them but eventually we do get better at adjusting and coping with it. We're here should you ever need to talk or just want someone to listen.

I can understand limited income, trust me. My house and commuting take most of my pittance of a paycheck, which is usually late (my boss owes me 2 1/2 months right now). It's hard to squeeze the necessities into what's left. I don't see retirement as an option around the corner but I am taking a day at a time, and we'll see.

To me, the hardest part of this journey was in the beginning because I was shocked and stunned out of my mind, I just didn't expect to lose him when he just turned 51. Getting through that first year felt like a big hurdle to me, but I've learned not to expect things to be a certain way by a certain time as it's different for all of us and we also have ups and downs. We'll be here as you go through it all, and it will be more do-able.

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I will try the breathing technique if I have my wits about me during the next panic/anxiety attack. Anything has to be better than what I do now, which is panic even more.

I will be 65 in a few weeks. My Paula was just 59. She had been on unemployment due to her condition and worked part-time until this past Christmas. I am on disability due to the car wreck in 2007. Thankfully our house and cars are all paid for. No outstanding credit card debt. The yearly taxes here run $3,000+/year. Thats 2-1/2 months income. Not really important now as I have bigger, immediate, more pressing issues to deal with.

Shocked and stunned is putting it mildly. I really have no time-line expectations. Just hoping for something, some glimmer of relief, sometime. For the sadness and pain to lessen, even a little. Right now I don't see it. And by all the posts here, I gather I shouldn't expect much hope any time soon. I am, like the rest of you, simply trying to grind-it-out every day.

Chris

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Chris, you might go to the Meditation topic on this forum and check out some of the links to meditation practice. When I do not meditate I feel far worse than when I do.

Yes, Chris, grinding it out every day is about it early on. It does get easier to carry the grief of losing that all important person but that is down the road a bit. Glad you will try some breathing techniques. You will see lots of references to that on the Meditation topic.

Mary

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Stayed up late night hoping to be exhausted enought to rest. Waking up at 11:15 only to discover this is going to be a very hard day indeed. Realizing again the devistation of our lives brings me to uncontrollable tears yet again. Alone in my greatest hour of need I look for My Paula knowing she is not here. Turning to her for comfort I still find no relief. The agony and loneliness of this existance becomes greater each day, not abating with the passage of time. Turning away from the future I find myself lapsing into the past as the present is too painful to bear. That glorious past where we were so incredibly happy, comfortable, and content. Where each new day promised even more opportunities to be together, to share our lives, to express our undying love for each other in hundreds of little ways.

Spoke with an old High School friend of Paula's yesterday. She conveyed the fact that My Paula was very happy with our life together, that Paula was contented, happy. I take comfort in that fact as I hope I played some part in her happiness. I know she brought joy and happiness to me. Now to realize again that My Paula is gone totally devistates me, crushes me. What should be another shared day for us together is shattered by the reality of her loss. Yes indeed. Going to be a long hard day.

Chris

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I'm sorry, Chris. When we say it gets better with time, we don't mean days or even months, it does take quite some time to adjust to this new life. Yes it is a quiet existence, and can be lonely. What do you have planned for this weekend?

After George died, two ladies from my church wanted me to "teach them" stamping (making cards) and came up every Tues. eve. after work where we spent a couple of hours together making cards, me showing them techniques and the different uses of mediums. They came up for the first year. It was a long time later when I realized they weren't coming for themselves, but for me. I had no interest in making cards or anything that I had previously enjoyed, and I think they somehow knew that...this was their way of coaxing me into still participating in life. I still struggle with having the desire to do things and tend to only do so when I need to. I go to work, come home, do my chores, cleaning, laundry, yard work, dishes, etc., make cards when someone has need for one, but haven't really found that zest for life that I once had. I admire Mary for her taking up painting and fae for painting dragonflies on her tent and Harry for his fundraising and awareness campaigns, Dwayne for his going back to school and becoming a nurse. Sometimes I feel I should be further along than I am, but I know that breaks everything we tell people...we all have different timetables and it's going to be a different journey for each of us. Still, I think I've made some strides, esp. in the last couple of years, I've learned to be more content with what is. But then it's been eight years for me. In the beginning, I'm sure I was a basket case. It's hard to remember a lot because my head was in a fog.

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Thank you, Kay. I realize the time frame is different for each of us. Every minit seems like an eternity in agony. I'm trying the best I can to cope but seem to make no head-way. Maybe that is normal for me, right now.

My past hobbies included restoring old cars, reading, cross-word puzzles, and cooking with My Paula. I have no appetite at all, I can't focus enough to read or work my puzzles, and my car projects hold no interest. Our oldest son and a friend encourage me to go to the shop and work on my project. Once again I have no particular interest at the present as my heart just isn't in it. My Paula says about me..."It keeps him at home, but out of the house". My joy is to work on something, create some part or piece, and then show it off to her. Her comment is playfully, usually,..."That looks nice. What is it"? To not be able to share that with her keeps me from my shop.

I have been invited to a dear friend's son's graduation get-together/pool party tomorrow. He just completed his Master's degree in Aeronautical Engineering. Paula and I visit with them regularly. Given the up-beat nature and happiness of the gathering I feel I would be out of place there. I am just not ready to interact on such a positive level for even a short time frame. They may be dissapointed but hopefully they will understsnd. But it isn't tomorrow yet.

Chris

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Oh Chris, my heart goes out to you, how well I remember everything you describe! We never forget what it's like. I agree, hobbies mainly interest you when you're happy. You are still in the very raw part of grief and yes, all that you describe is very normal. And it will get better...not today, not tomorrow, but someday.

I couldn't go to happy functions either, not for a long time. That's normal too, give yourself time and listen to what you want or don't want and go with that.

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It is 1:30 AM here. Have been crying for a solid hour in terrible grief and anxiety for My Paula. I think I'm in real trouble here. Inconsolable waves of agony sweeping over me. No control. Family all away. So alone. What to do? What to do?

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Chris, I know you are resisting a visit to your physician or establishing a new relationship but I really think you need to consider at least getting some support. Are you near a Hospice Center? After Bill died I drove into Madison (about 45 minutes) each week to be a part of a grief support group for those who lost spouses. It was quite helpful. I then followed up by meeting with the leader for many sessions. Churches also sponsor grief support groups. I understand your finances so I am suggesting free resources. Our Hospice has an ongoing weekly grief support group also.

My Bill restored old card...I mean old. He restored a 1931 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost to immaculate condition with original RR parts. He sold it for a song... $1200 in the 70s. We learned in the 80s after he and I were married, that it was worth a quarter of a million dollars. he also restored some old Model Ts, built a grandfather clock and so much more. I wonder, and I know this may be pre-mature, about a project of some sort honoring your Paula...a special table for your home to memorialize her or something that would be in her honor. It is a thought at least.

I understand your not going to the party. But since you visited this couple often, are they someone you could have coffee with some time soon?

Your posts reflect so many of the feelings I had and most of us had in the early days. The deep pain still resides within me and surfaces in a flash often. This is not a short journey, Chris. Patience is the name of it. I wish it were shorter but it takes time.

Mary

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In addition to the wise suggestions others have offered, Chris, I want to emphasize that the journey of grief is not one to be taken alone. This is the hardest work you'll ever do, and it's a mistake to think that you can do it alone. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't expect to heal it all by yourself, yet here you are with a broken heart and you find yourself struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, hoping to control all of it with "sheer will-power." Is that really working for you? Is it realistic to think that you can manage all of this alone?

Earlier you said, I am retired, on a limited fixed income, on Medicare, hate going to any doctor, and am extremely averse to "drugs" for my personal use as they all leave me feeling dis-connected from reality. The anxiety and panic attacks I will try to control through sheer will-power, for now at least. Who knows. Perhaps a major anurism will relieve me of the agony and loneliness I now must endure.

This reluctance to take care of yourself is not unusual, especially at this early point in your grief journey, Chris, and it may seem easier just to give up completely. See, for example, Thoughts of Suicide in Grief. See also Loneliness and Solitude in Grief.

In addition to the grief support you will continue to obtain from this wonderful online family, I hope you will seriously consider taking advantage of the abundant resources you will find in your own community, many of which are available to you at no cost. Where to begin? See Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.

Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness; rather it is a sign of strength, and it takes great courage to acknowledge our need for it. You've already demonstrated that strength and courage by coming here, Chris, and I hope you will continue to do so by reaching out to some of these additional resources.

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All that all of you say is true. I have reached out with little results. Even the local Hospice program is an answering service because of the holiday. My family are all out of town or away from contact. In this most desperate time I find my longing to be with My Paula far outweighs any other desires or concerns. I can't continue with this level of despair and hopelessness. The only life I care about has been totally devestated, my heart and soul violently ripped from me. Even though concern, caring, and support are all that can be extended I respectfully submit that that is not enough for me to continue on in this state of mind. I applaude everyones' strengths to move past their unimaginable losses. I am finding I am not as strong as the rest of you. My Paula is my world, my life, my reason for being. Without her there is nothing of me left. I died too that April early morning. Only difference is no-one told me.

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Chris, I repeat to you that many if not most or all of us felt that way in the early months. We still hurt...and always will. I really urge you to call Hospice and leave a message for someone to call you or at the very least call a friend and tell them you just need some company. I doubt any one of us is stronger than you are. At least keep posting here so we know you are ok. But please do get some assist. This IS about you right now. And we all know nothing will be the same...ever. But it is worth going through these days to see that life is worth it.

Mary

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Chris,

We did feel like that early on. And when you're in that state of mind you only see/feel that and feel no hope of anything ever getting better. I remember wanting to plunge my car into a tree at 90 mph. Thank God I didn't. Several things stopped me...knowing what it would do to my family, my faith (even though it was shattered), and knowing George would not want that. I hung in there...through the pain, through the sleepless nights, through the despair.

Keep trying to find someone to talk to. Hang in there, come Tuesday there will be someone who CAN get back to you. What you are feeling is temporary even though the situation isn't temporary and it may not FEEL temporary. ALL of us have been there!!!

I urge you to see a doctor, forget your budget, eat beans for the next week to afford the copay, this is important! You cannot continue with this state of mind alone, it's so important to get help, you needn't go through this alone. I know Marty says we shouldn't use "shoulds" but sometimes I just feel strongly about something and just sympathizing doesn't seem enough. We're been there! We know how it feels, but we've also survived it and trust me it has nothing to do with being strong...we may or may not be, we didn't feel strong, we felt just as you did, that we couldn't do life without (interject name). But we're here to tell you that you can survive and it needn't rob you of everything that's good. Being a grandpa, enjoying whatever years are left for you...it's there, but you have to hang in there to experience it.

Also, there is another truth that helped me...it is knowing that feelings are not meant to be a barometer or guide of anything...they are just...feelings. They are to be rode out, experienced, but we shouldn't base anything/everything on them. Our head has to rule sometimes, esp. when our feelings are out of control. And this coming from a woman! :)

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"Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem". What is the "saying" if the problem isn't just temporary? I now have my solution in place. Reliving the last few weeks and especially the last four days of My Paulas' life I realize now I committed an unforgivable wrong. That wrong can never be addressed, no forgivness given. It is too late. I find my omission to be too great to face. After a lifetime of devotion to me I let My Paula down in her hour of greatest need. For that I can not forgive myself.

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You know, Chris, when Bill was sick and when he was dying...I also saw many many ways that I was just not as good as I hoped I would be. I was exhausted and in trauma and I got impatient, frustrated often and even angry with him a couple of times. I felt like I failed him until I got hold of how tired and exhausted and traumatized I was...then I knew I did the best I could under the circumstances and I also know it was not as good as he deserved but I did the best I could. I can not imagine that you did anything so unforgivable that you must end your life over it. It took me a long time to forgive myself and by that time I knew I could not have done better. I just could not. Do I regret that I was so worn down. Of course. But it was not my fault. And the last thing Bill would want is for me to end my life. he would want me to be as happy as I could be and to help other people...which is what I do. It was never an option even at my worst...I knew my family would be devastated...by family I mean brother and sister, nieces and brother in law. It would not be fair to them. My friends would be devastated. Those who love me and look to me for love would be devastated as would your family.

Please call Hospice and get some help.

Mary

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Please consider, too, dear Chris, how those of us on this forum would feel if you decided on this course of ending it all.

You came here seeking compassion, understanding and support. We are here for you, and we're all doing our best to give all of that to you.

In the process, you've become a part of us, a part of our loving, caring family (our "tribe," as Fae refers to us).

If that is the only reason for you to decide to stay, please, please let it be enough. If you cannot do it for you, then do it for us.

And if you find it too unbearable to get through the next 24 to 36 hours, if you're unable to talk with someone at your hospice because tomorrow is a holiday, if you're thinking of suicide, read this first.

If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

We care about you, Chris. You are one of us now. You are not alone. Whatever you decide to do affects each and every one of us. We are here for you. Please stay with us.

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Hello Chris, this is Anne. I posted earlier on your thread and I know of your tender love for Paula. You are not alone right now. I am reading the link Marty posted above and I am making it through it slowly. I know that so many of us have had thoughts that take us to the place where we think we would be better off if only we did not have to bare the pain we are feeling. These thoughts are normal in grief. Feelings are just feelings. I have no words of wisdom for you only to tell you that I would like it if you can not talk to someone in person or on the phone that you would consider having someone take you to the hospital so you can get rest under the supervision of caring people. A Hospice Counselor can be called in because he/she will know about grief and be there to support you in your pain.

This is not something that you try to do on your own. We all need support through our lives.

We are a caring and supportive group but we can only tell you about our grief journeys and listen to you on this forum. We can not be with you in person. I feel that you need someone to be with you and care for you as you so lovingly cared for Paula. Your life is precious and you will eventually see that it is when you have rested and are not so grief stricken. You are in my thoughts right now. I shall check back later to see how you are doing. Anne

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Also, I've messaged you my home phone number, I hope you will feel free to call me. I remember those early days all too well and needing someone to talk to and everyone busy, gone, not answering. I know how it feels.

Also, I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are...some believe if you take your life there is no remission for sins...that's not my personal belief, but the thought that just what if I am wrong was enough to keep me from wanting to chance it...I want to be with George again, I don't want separated eternally from him or my children or my pets. It's just a thought to consider.

If Paula were here, what would she tell you? What would she want for you? How would she respond to what you are talking about? I don't know you and Paula's relationship, but I do know me and George's. Ours was built on trust, faith, love, acceptance, understanding. If one of us wasn't perfect, the other never noticed. WE LOVED EACH OTHER! There is no condemnation in that. And by gosh, we had to forgive each other and ourselves, many times. I think we are truly our own worst critics. Whatever you are talking about is NOT unforgivable! Not to Paula, not to God...and seriously, yes, you CAN learn to forgive yourself. It may not be easy but it can be done. All of us have regrets or things we wish we'd said or done different, times we wish we'd been more patient, more giving, but the fact is, we're human. You think Paula doesn't know that? How would YOU respond to PAULA if roles were reversed? Would you forgive her for some offense?

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Hi Chris,

I just read your story and i am deeply sorry that Your Paula is no longer with you. In all sincerity-my heart (though shattered too) goes out to you. I remember my first gut wrenching cries begging my Marcus to please come get me! The shaking and sick feeling-dispair somewhat undescribable. You are right there are those who can relate in ways and then those who can't possibly understand. MM (my Marcus) died on April 7th. One of my first thoughts was to take my own life. Like Kay has said i also don't know what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, but i don't want to take the chance either of not being with MM again. I am alone a lot now. Our stories are different, but the pain, the longing for the love of your life....i'm here if you want to talk. I cry and scream, beg, and plead to him-for him at least once a day. Would be a hell of a lot more if i was able to just....be. Be me and miss MM as you miss Your Paula.

Kristen

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