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Yes I am pretty sure she is not faking her memory loss. Nothing is 100%but I m as sure as I can be she is being honest.

She did mention again last night about finding a different therapist.

As for our relationship I do not hold out much hope but right now I am all she has and I cannot abandon her because God only knows what trouble she would be in. Yes it is hurting me like crazy but such is life. There is just one feeling I have about her breaking up with me.. she never actually gave me a reason. In fact she said that she could not blame me for anything, So what was it? I know it had something to do with losing the dog. She did make a reference to me once about how I remind her of the dog.

I am just taking it day by day now and hoping that eventually one day she will get the help she needs.

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Well there is not essential always to be a reason. She might just got bored. My previous ex when he broke up with me he told me that I was the perfect girl and that he won't find anyone close to me, that this is for us now. He just didn't want to be in a relationship. And the thing is that after one and a half year that we are apart and we are talking as friends he still believes the same.

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I agree with Pollara that you need to do what is best for yourself. And your seeing a therapist to get a road map for recovery in your life may not be a bad idea.

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Pollara , although I do appreciate your input I must disagree with your last post. If this was merely an issue of boredom I would understand. But there were other factors , most importantly the death of her father figure and the dog. There was actually 5 deaths in 3 months if I was to factor in the others she was close to in some degree.

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No what I meant by my post is that there hasn't always to be a reason. I have seen a lot of my friends to leave boys that they are "a heart of gold". they don't have anything against them but it is just they are not in love with them anymore. So in this case I name this boredom.

Your girlfriend seems a really confused case, but have you think that the death sometimes might be the trigger in order to change? I 've read about cases of people that they were on marriage but they weren't that satisfied but only after a significant death they thought of cancel the marriage. Why? because probably they realized that life it is too short to spend it in things that you don't feel satisfied.

Of course your girl has other issues as well, but what if she heals herself and then tells you that now she can see clearly that you don't meant to be together. Wouldn't be that worse for you?

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I don't think Jim would have broke up with me if he hadn't gone through the caretaking and death of his mom...I think it was just too much for him, for him to be able to handle even an ounce of a relationship. Sure I questioned and analyzed the relationship afterwords, I think it's natural to, but quite honestly, we enjoyed each other's company and there was no warning whatsoever that he was dissatisfied with me or the relationship beforehand. He seemed proud to call me his fiance.

I think it's quite possible that death could have been the trigger for DML's girl as well. I have not encountered anyone that suffered memory loss with grief, nor some of her other strange behaviors, but I am not a Psychologist so I can't say what is related and what isn't. It's obvious something has triggered it. Was she unbalanced to start with? I don't know. I wish her therapist could cue DML in to what's going on, but due to privacy laws, they probably can't.

DML, I feel confident that you will do what is best for yourself when you are ready. I think all of us here have basis for our caution...we don't want you to get hurt any more than you already have...how we have been there and how well we know that pain!

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  • 1 month later...

KayC I had no indicators of a break up either until after the death. We enjoyed the same music and movies. Shared the same ethical values.

The other day I was watching a show and a character had something called Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD. I immediately recognized the behaviors as very similar as my ex would show. Lately I have been recalling all the red flag behaviors that were displayed during our relationship. I think she was on a slow descent into mental illness and the death triggered the full release.

The past few weeks have been very difficult for me , there has been hardly any contact and the last text I was upset with her. I don't think she really cares what I think anymore since she never initiates any contact. I guess it has finally come to the " soulmates to strangers " phase . Should I contact her and get all my belongings back or should I just let it be for now ?

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I am surprised she hasn't gotten you back your belongings yet. If you want them back, you probably should do so now since it sounds like you really are going your own ways. I know with my Jim there were some extenuating circumstances, but I really did try my best and can have no regrets, and it sounds like it is the same with you.

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  • 1 month later...

Well , something happened last week and I admit I am still in shock. I wish I was going to say she has recovered and all is well but nothing could be further from the truth.

I won t bore you with all the circumstances but last week I picked her up after work and she had a horrible migraine. She asked me if we were going to be able to remain friends and I said probably not. I told her she was very very sick and she needed help and that maybe one day we could try again. She then tells me that it is MY FAULT she is so sick. That I should have forced her into a mental health hospital and since I allowed her to keep working I was only thinking of myself and taking advantage of her financially! I told her how she told me many times how she would HATE me if I ever locked her up. But nope I should have done more.

I snapped. I told her how much I tried to get her help , to stop working and by no means did I benefit financially from her. But she is convinced I am the bad one.I told her ever since he passed away I had been doing everything possible to get her help. She said our Doctor told her part of her problem is her environment , which she seems to think is me but I rarely see her. Obviously someone is feeding her this crap and I m pretty sure its one of her " friends " who has and will take advantage of her financially. So we then had the most ugly vicious fight I have ever had. In the parking lot and in her apartment. She threatened to call the police on me and since I work in law enforcement ( no I m not a cop ) that would mess up my job for awhile. I told her to give me back my belongings. We were both crying I couldn't believe what was happening. I left after about 15 minutes. I texted her from my car and said I was sorry and that I would NEVER hurt her. To my surprise she responded and said she was sorry as well and that she also played a part in what had just happened and also that there was just too much pain. And that was the last I heard from her.

So here is what I would like your opinions on... should I have just kept it in when she accused me of not doing enough? I know she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder . so should I have just dropped her off and left or did I do the right thing by not letting her blame me? Its been 2 years since all this started, my life has been nothing but a roller coaster and I just could not help it. But now all I do is think about it and I am regretting how ugly the argument became. And no just in case your wondering.. there was no violence.

I spoke to a therapist and she said people with BPD usually blame the " safe " person in their life because they can get away with it. She recommended 2 books which I promptly went and purchased. I was 5 pages in and recognizing a lot of similar behaviors. Its strange but maybe if she realizes I 'm not so safe she might respect me more?

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Personally, I would cut off from her, she sounds toxic and I choose to spend my time around more positive people, but it's taken me most of my life to realize I can't fix people and I'm not responsible for them, just me. But that's my opinion, you have to do what you feel is best for you.

I do know the therapist is right and it does no good to feed into her drama, best to let it go. You do have every right to establish boundaries and it would be desirable to do so.

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DML the fact that she has Borderline Personality Disorder is something that you believe yourself and not the evaluation of a therapist right? Of course she might have I don't doubt it, but she might have something more serious or something different. For example, how do you know that she hasn't got Bipolar Personality Disorder? You saw an episode of CSI (if I recall) and you came to this conclusion. Only a specialist can make a right assesment.

I believe that your girlfriend has some issues but what I have already told was that you should have let her at the mental clinic. Of course noone wants to be there and the person with the problem is the last one to admit that s/he has a problem. I recall in my bachelor when we learnt about schizophrenia a case when the person thought that she is totally ok, that everyone is hearing voices but they are just good at covering.

For now on, I believe you should move away from her. I don't know how to explain you, but if a person has some mental issues, it is difficult to have a normal communication with them. I don't know if someone feeds her these thoughts? She seems irrational enough to have them by herself.

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Pollara and KayC,

yes I have spoken to two different therapists and each one feels she has BPD. I understand it is not an official diagnosis . One also feels she has OCD as some of her other behaviors would fit into that category. From what I have learned people usually suffer from more than one mental illness. I guess its a package deal ;) .

I actually did leave her at the mental hospital and they released her the following day and told her all she needed was a good nights rest!! Can you believe that?? She told me she said everything they wanted to hear and they released her. Now this is supposed to be our state of the art mental hospital. How much faith do you think I put into them now? Less than zero for sure.

One of the therapists told me to take a 3 month break and see how I feel . I am going to do that, which means I will miss her birthday . I have no need to contact her really now so I am going to take it day by day. I do still love her and would do anything for her , except take the blame for her issues. She is probably expecting me to contact her but not this time. Now its tough love. I have been searching for some local group meet ups for partners/families of people with mental illness. Hopefully something comes up.

Oh and it wasn't CSI it was an episode of Queer As Folk but I would love to see the CSI episode.

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I understand that you love her, but you can't change her and may not be able to help her. I don't see how your relationship can rise above what it has been under the circumstances, but best of luck to you anyway. Taking a break is better than nothing, I guess, I just hate to see you torment yourself, prolonging the inevitable. Sometimes people with mental issues have learned what is deemed appropriate, and can put on a good act in front of others, so it doesn't surprise me that they released her...they were just fooled by her. Shame on them!

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Yes shame on them. You would think they would know all the tricks. I don't really hold out much hope of being together again. I think I am still in shock , feel like I have been hit by a truck. :(

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It's hard, I know. I felt like that for a long time.

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