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I Lost The One I Really Wanted


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Hi everyone,

I'm new here on this forum. I've been dealing with my own personal loss situation for quite some time, and I decided I needed the support of a group like this.

I'm going to tell this story in seven parts, and wait a few days between parts, so each can be discussed individually.


PART ONE

I met Ben at a weekend campout arranged by a social group we both belonged to. It was love at first sight. From the moment I saw him, I wanted to be near him.

We enjoyed many of the same things. In particular, he had this special way of treating me that I absolutely couldn't get enough of! He seemed to know exactly what I wanted and all I had to do was let him do it. We rarely discussed our plans for what we would do when we got together; whatever he wanted to do he just did it and I went along with it, thankfully.

It lasted a glorious year. Then he pointed out I wasn't giving him what he wanted and I knew it was true. Having Asperger's Syndrome, I have always found it difficult to recognize and respond to the needs of others -- I wanted to give him what he craved, but was mostly clueless about how to go about it.

It got worse and worse after that. He started pulling back, and I started to desperately hold onto what was slipping away from me. Finally he broke it off, and I was devastated.

I cried myself to sleep every night for a week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I was consuming Haagen-Daas by the quart, trying to find some relief at the bottom of a tub of vanilla.

I was working at temporary jobs, and when the job I was on ended, I didn't even bother to look for another one. I stayed out of work for over a year, only looking for a new job after blowing through my savings and becoming financially desperate.

I did all the wrong things. I told him how much I needed him, I begged for a second chance, I even hinted at suicide (I was considering it). He suggested we "be just friends", and I said no, because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. Of course, as a result, I gradually lost all contact with him.

Someone I told about this later asked me if there was a lot of arguing (I suppose that's common before a breakup) but I said no, it was more like he didn't want to see me any more, and I didn't want to live any more.

There was a private party some months later, and we both went (separately). There was something-or-other the hostess wanted to show us on her computer, in her bedroom, and some of us went in to see it. I remember he was sitting on one corner of the bed and I on another, and I ironically thought, this was going to be the last time we would both be in the same bed together. It turned out I would be right about that.

The above events are not exactly recent. I'll reveal how long ago they happened in part four.

My next major post will outline what I tried to do after losing him.

Jenna

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Hi Jenna! I am really sorry for your loss. I am in the same situation. But I think it will be better to write all the story because in my opinion it doesn't matter what you did, but what you are going to do in the future! And I really cannot answer to you what you should have done in the past. The what ifs are not a good solution anyway

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Hi,

I am sorry for what you have been going through and are even now experiencing.

I am familiar with Aspergers because my ex-fiance has it. As such, he has OCD and his communication is different than most people's. It might have helped had your BF communicated in a very direct way what he wanted from you. Aspies have a very difficult time reading minds, if the rest of us do, it's way harder for them because it's hard for them to read/judge clues, whereas most of us pick up on body language, tone, etc.

I'm not really sure what you're hoping for here, if you just want understanding or if you want to learn from your past mistakes. I hope you realize that whether or not you resume a relationship with your ex or not does not lay with you, but him. We can't change or control the other person, but it is important that we respect them and their boundaries.

Threatening suicide can be a form of manipulation that is really unfair to others. It's trying to make others responsible for the outcome of our life, when really, only we are responsible for that. If you truly felt suicidal, the best thing to do is to seek professional help asap. Your ex isn't responsible for whether or not you want to live or die, or feel depressed. I do hope you can focus less on the relationship/breakup and more on helping yourself glean the tools you need to make your life healthier and happier. If you are without a job for a year and no desire to look for one, that's an indication of depression, to the extent you could benefit from therapy.

I also hope you realize by now that we don't need another person to complete us or make us happy. That said, going through a breakup is very hard, and it hurts. Loss takes time to process and we need to fully grieve that loss and hopefully utilize the lessons we learn in that grief journey to better our lives and well-being. That doesn't mean you will feel the way you did when you were in a relationship together. Is it possible that the relationship wasn't as wonderful as you might have thought, but rather that you didn't see the problems in it? Just wondering, I think all of us have asked ourselves that question that have ended up here.

As Pollara mentioned, it's good to spend time learning to enjoy the present rather than concerning ourselves about the past. I've heard it said that dwelling on the past invites worry and on the future invites anxiety, but living in the present we full experience the joy of what IS, rather than what isn't.

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I'm not really sure what you're hoping for here, if you just want understanding or if you want to learn from your past mistakes. I hope you realize that whether or not you resume a relationship with your ex or not does not lay with you, but him. We can't change or control the other person, but it is important that we respect them and their boundaries.

What do I want? I want to (a) stop the hurt, (b ) get on with my life, and ( c) if possible, get back together with him (unlikely).

I realize that if he hasn't changed his mind about not wanting me, there's nothing more I can do (except perhaps pretend).

Threatening suicide can be a form of manipulation that is really unfair to others. It's trying to make others responsible for the outcome of our life, when really, only we are responsible for that. If you truly felt suicidal, the best thing to do is to seek professional help asap.

I wasn't trying to manipulate him, I was just saying how I feel. Although that was rather a long time ago.

If you are without a job for a year and no desire to look for one, that's an indication of depression,

Is the Pope Catholic?

Is it possible that the relationship wasn't as wonderful as you might have thought, but rather that you didn't see the problems in it?

From my point of view, it was fabulous. But no, I didn't see the problems in it.

Thank you, kayc and Pollara, for your kind words.

BTW, kayc, I love your sig line. It's how I feel about Ben.

Jenna

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Well sometimes one person isn't satisfied with the relationship and the other person doesn't have a clue...I often wondered if that's how it was with me and Jim, although he denied it. It does make you wonder!

It's common to feel introspective following a breakup, several of us here admittedly are analytical. (maybe to a fault?)

Stopping the hurt...ahh, that. Yeah, we all went through that or still are to some extent. It helped me greatly to keep busy, and of course, it took time before I could sleep through the night. I think all of us, if we couldn't salvage the relationship, would welcome closure and understanding as to what the h*** happened! But they don't always tell us. And it's our responsibility (to ourselves) to get through it and do what is ultimately best for ourselves. I know, sometimes easier said than done.

I hope you have a good night, and thanks, it's how I feel about everything (sig line)!

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PART TWO

During my year of not working, I signed up for a group therapy session called Letting Go And Moving On. I went there a bit reluctantly, because I didn't want to let go and move on -- I wanted to go back and be with him again. But they weren't offering any groups on that.

At least I was doing what I was supposed to do -- trying to build a good life for myself even if was going to be a life without him. I moved to another city, because being in the same area as him, and moving in the same social circles, just meant I would keep running into him over and over again. The usual advice is to break off all contact, which I did, even though I really didn't want to.

I involved myself with the activities of my new community, again, like I was supposed to according to "what you should do" to get over someone. I even found a social group similar to the one I left behind. So I then went to one particular meeting, and I'm sitting in my chair waiting for the program to start, when all of a sudden who walks in but Ben! We see each other, and he walks up right up behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders. Glorious! Not the fact of the shoulder massage, but the fact that someone was paying attention to me, and in particular, the fact that that someone was him! For a brief moment I felt utterly fantastic, like I did during that one wonderful year.

But I blew it all over again. He called me up a few times, but I said all the wrong things. At one point I told him I had to move from one apartment to another, right across the street, and he offered to help me. Stupidly, I told him I could handle it myself, utterly missing the fact that he was wanting to be with me, for at least a short time, and that I could be with him, which is far more important, in retrospect, then his actually helping me move.

After I was in that city for some months, I decide to move back. I started going to parties again, but I started to get frantic seeing him there but not being able to reach out to him the way I want to. Worse yet, by this time he's found someone else!

I start to freak out on the inside, and am getting worried I'll have a "meltdown" and freak out in front of everyone. But a ray of hope showed up -- I met Thomas, who won me over with the world's worst pickup line -- "Hi, I've got the hots for you".

As close as I was to a nervous breakdown, I accepted him into my life, because I needed some affection help fill the void. A Red Cross parcel of food in the midst of a famine! And again, because moving on was "the right thing to do".

But I didn't really love him. At this point, my life started to resemble the book Gone With The Wind, with Ben (Ashley), me (Scarlett), Thomas (Rhett), and Ben's new GF Sandy (Melanie).

The next part will describe how things got steadily worse over the years.

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How many years has it been since Ben broke up with you? It seems communication was lacking between you, not uncommon for Aspergers. Are you getting help with that?

I don't know any way over someone other than to fill your life with other good things...people and activities. I know that it hurts for a very long time, but I also know that dwelling on it can prolong healing. My first broken engagement took me a very long time to get over...now he is in my life as a friend all these 37 years later, but I prefer to stay on my own. Life can have its ironies...

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Hi, kayc, I've read a number of books on Aspergers, but there really is no cure for it. And many people think it only affects boys not men or girls or women so there's not much help for me out there. (I've found one "exercise" that helps a bit but it doesn't last.)

(For anyone not familiar with Aspergers think of Spock and Barclay and Data and Sheldon and Leonard and Howard and Bernadette and Gunther and Amy but not Penny all put together.)

I've tried filling my life with other people and activities, but it hasn't helped much. For years I haven't had any attention on him, but he was still there, lurking in my subconscious.

More details to come soon.

Jenna

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No, Aspergers doesn't have a "cure" but there are helps available for dealing with it, and it may begin as a child but continues throughout adulthood. The Psychiatric Association has now removed it from it's list because they're put it back under "Autism", which is too bad, to me, because it has more specific symptoms, but they did so in an effort to broaden their ability to treat it. (a political move, in a way).

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PART THREE

Ben and Sandy moved in together, as did Thomas and I. I suppose Ben and Sandy got along well, as they seemed to be happy went I saw them, but for me and Thomas things got worse and worse. I cajoled him into marrying me, but like I said, I really didn't love him. It was Ben I really wanted, and I didn't try too hard to hide that from Thomas. I was also ambitious, wanting to work hard and get rich, while Thomas wanted to be more laid back and and just enjoy life as it came. He too, had ideas on what we should do when we got romantic, but they didn't match mine at all!

There were signs our marriage was in trouble, but I ignored them until he asked me for permission to sleep over at his GF's. Of course I said no, and then he asks me for a divorce! He had been in love with me, but that was over. I didn't really want him, but I didn't want to be rejected and lonely again. So I was put in the position of trying to hold on to something I didn't want anyway. But it was too late. We divorced after 7 years together.

So not only had I been dumped by two lovers, I never really felt my mom wanted me. My dad sometimes showed me affection, but these were more than offset by the times he beat me for misbehavior real or imagined.

At this point, I entered what I call "the ping-pong years", bouncing from one short-term relationship to another. Anyone who gave me a second glance I fell for, and these were mostly people who were bad for me. I gave more careful consideration to the used cars I bought than I did to people who were going to be in my life. Needless to say, these years were disasterous. And everyone I let into my life during this time had the same one thing in common -- I didn't really want them because they weren't Ben! I didn't even care that much about losing my ex-husband Thomas. After getting past the idea that I was rejected (again!) it just wasn't that important to me.

However, whenever I saw the names Ben and Jenna together, like on this one particular TV show I used to watch, I would become elated. It would always make me fantasize of the possibility that perhaps he and I could get together again. A nice thought, but of course it never actually happened. (Please, no "Ben & Jenna's ice cream" jokes.)

My mother and my two brothers died during this time. I was saddened by the loss, but only a bit. Not to downplay the feelings of others who have posted on these forums, but I didn't feel bereaved at all.

Also, I kept on moving, farther and farther away, from where Ben was, trying to forget. Did I succeed? I thought so, but all I did was put myself into denial. I soon developed this pattern of having "crashes", where I would feel all right for a while, then suddenly become depressed, apathetic, and totally unmotivated in living. Sooner or later the crash would end, and life would go back to more or less normal, only to have it all happen all over again (and again and again). I would tell people, there's nothing really wrong with my life, but there's nothing really right with it, either. I had YEARS of therapy of different sorts trying to figure out why I was crashing.

Later on I would discover that the root cause was the "lack of Ben" in my life. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll tell the rest of that tale in the next part.

My next major post is where things start getting a bit spooky.

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But if Ben is with Sandy, why fixate on him? It seems it makes more sense to try and get over him. I know that's easier said than done, but what other choice do you have?

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But if Ben is with Sandy, why fixate on him? It seems it makes more sense to try and get over him. I know that's easier said than done, but what other choice do you have?

But I have been trying to get over him. That's what this thread is all about. Can you point out one specific action I should do that I haven't done?

If it were as easy as find someone new, this all would have been over a long time ago. I even got married. But try as I might, I still can't forget Ben.

Jenna

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A quick "between the numbers" post ... .

Ben could fulfill my needs better than anyone else could. It would take many encounters with a Lenny or a Fred (I'll say more about them later) to equal a Ben -- but why not? If I could fill up my needs with quantity, as opposed to quality, I might get some relief. Even if I have to pay for it.

Unfortunately, people like Ben are not easy to come by. Let's just say I have eccentric tastes.

Jenna

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No, I don't think you should get married to get over him, that's backwards. I don't doubt that you've tried to get over him. But it seems like your focus is on him and I'd think fixating less on him and busying yourself with other activities and people would help curb that. You said you had years of therapy though, did that not help? What did the therapists have to say and why did the therapy end when the problem/situation still exists?

Aspergers involves OCD, my Jim is definitely OCD...do you think it possible that could be affecting your difficulty getting over Ben? Just a thought...

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No, I don't think you should get married to get over him, that's backwards.

Past tense, please. I do now realize that was a mistake.

But it seems like your focus is on him and I'd think fixating less on him and busying yourself with other activities and people would help curb that.

I don't choose to think about him so often. Try this: don't think of an elephant. Ah ha, couldn't do it, could you?

I did busy myself with other activities and people; I thought my story made that very clear.

What did the therapists have to say and why did the therapy end when the problem/situation still exists?

They did what they could and the situation seemed to be a bit relieved. But it always came back.

Aspergers involves OCD, my Jim is definitely OCD...do you think it possible that could be affecting your difficulty getting over Ben? Just a thought...

No, unless you include that i'm obsessing over him. But that's not affecting the problem; that is the problem, isn't it?

Jenna

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Well it seems that you want this Ben guy for more than ten years.

I believe that you want Ben because you cannot have him and you are farsighted. You cannot see what you have next to you but only when you lose it. In any case, by repeating that Ben is the only one for you cannot do you any good. I guess he was the first really big love of your life and because you blame yourself you think that things got wrong. But you know, even if you did the right things, you might be with Ben and then break up again. It isn't something you did wrong or that Sandy girl was better than you in something, but the fact that you and Ben didn't match so well together even if you think the opposite.

When a couple break ups for some reasons (and of course I don't mean due to inevitable reasons such as death or illness) there is something more behind it. If you were that good together you would have still be together. People can be good and pretend in the beginning of a relationship and show their good self, but you cannot pretend forever. There will always be someone that will like the characteristics of yours that someone else didn't. Even if you didn't beg for Ben or tell him your suicidal thoughts, I believe at the end of the day, you will just prolong your relationship but not be together with him again.

Well at least this is my opinion of course. I believe that if you try to accept that Ben is not the only one and only and find a guy that you care and he cares for you, you will manage to get over Ben. But if you continuously saying that Ben is the only one, you never give permission to yourself (subconsciously) to be with another one.

I had read a book when I was younger, where the heroine wants her first love even if she is married, because they broke up so suddenly and with an unfair way. So one day he leaves her husband and she is going to find him, only to realize that what she wanted was a utopia. An ideal relationship that had made in her mind all these years.

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Thank you, Pollara, for your kind words.

I suppose my feelings for Ben are amplified by the fact that I cannot have him. There are other possibilities out there but deep down inside I want him so much that I'm afraid going with anyone else will just take me farther away from him.

He wasn't my first love, but like you said, he was the first really big love of my life.

I have to disagree with you on one point; there were plenty of things I did wrong. He pointed out that I wasn't taking care of his needs like he was taking care of mine and I immediately knew it was true. Like I said, I have Aspergers Syndrome and that makes it impossible for me to "just know" what someone wants -- they have to make it a direct request, which most people won't do.

There were several opportunities to reconnect with him shortly after the breakup, but I blew it all over again. Perhaps today, now that I have resolved some of my problems there could perhaps be a chance for it all to work. But it's probably too late. And like you said, maybe I'm throwing away present day opportunities for the sake of chasing after someone who, even if I did find him again, might not be what I'm really looking for anyway.

In any case, I'm planning to go out tomorrow. Perhaps I'll meet someone there, or at least socialize enough to make my life feel not so empty.

Jenna

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Obsessing over him IS what I meant. Yes, that's the problem. Well if it always came back, I would resume therapy. I realize you tried to busy yourself with other people and activities, but you have to continue to. And work on being comfortable with being alone. It took me years to be able to do this, I could be alone part of the time, but not living alone all of the time...now I do and am much better with it.

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There are other possibilities out there but deep down inside I want him so much that I'm afraid going with anyone else will just take me farther away from him.

I think this is a key statement. It's kind of like when people are grieving and they want to hang onto their grief/being sad because they're afraid if they give themselves permission to be happy, it'll take them further away from the one they lost. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but using this as an analogy. You may need to give yourself permission to be with someone right for you.

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PART FOUR

Now we are getting into modern times. My father died, although I didn't grieve for him at all, because he was so mean to me. Now my entire family I grew up with was gone.

I was still searching for "true love", but unbeknownst to me all along, I was subconciously rejecting everyone because they weren't Ben.

Of all the ping-pong relationships I had, only two came close to satisfying me the way Ben did. Lenny treated me well, and he even LOOKED a bit like Ben -- which I think was part of the attraction. But he died suddenly after our third date.

I dated Fred twice. Then dumped me to go back to his old GF -- I was probably just a temporary substitute while he was waiting for her to come back from the mental hospital. I suspect part of the problem was that I wouldn't have sex with him (although we only dated twice -- can you blame me?)

Then in April everything changed. I was in bed at night, and I had the distinct sensation that Ben was there in the room with me, in spirit form, caressing me. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! To this day I don't know if it was telepathy, some sort of astral walking on his part, or just my imagination. But at this point I knew -- after thirty years of our relationship being over, I still desired him greatly. So much so, that I felt that no one else would ever do, and that I should be celibate until he comes back to me (which of course is not likely to happen).

Now I knew the REAL reason for my crashes. Everything would be going along more or less normally (but not really great) until I would start missing Ben again. Then I would crash, be disinterested in taking my vitamins, start eating junk food, and overdosing on sugar, until I became foggy brained enough to be repress the hurt. But before my revelation, I would go into an unmotivated, apathetic state without a clue as to what was happening to me and why. Now I just break down and cry. The old hurt from just after the breakup has come back, and as crazy as it sounds, I consider this better than my old "mystery" crashes.

He is my soulmate. He is the standard by which all other relationships are judged, and they come up wanting. If after thirty years I still feel the same way about him, then this is more than just a garden-variety breakup.

This is why I'm posting this on a forum that is mostly about bereavement. We were only together a year, but it feels more like a beloved lifelong partner passing. Moving on seems impossible; if love is still that strong after all that time, after doing all the right things to try to build a life with someone else, he must really be my soulmate.

In the next part of the story, I'll reveal one of my deepest, darkest secrets, along with details I have only previously hinted at.

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I'm sorry. 30 years IS a long time. But is he your soul mate if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings?

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I'm sorry. 30 years IS a long time. But is he your soul mate if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings?

I knew how he felt back then, but I don't know how he feels now, decades later. I know I'm being foolish just to say that.

Between Ben, Lenny, and Fred, it seems my social life is cursed.

I had a thought: even if Ben is the best I could ever find, someone else would actually be better for me if he were in my life and not just a forlorn wish.

But I'll let you know how my "going out" goes.

Jenna

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Wow 30 years are more than enough! I really don't know how you can get over it. I actually am starting to worry whether I can surpass my break up. But I thought that usually in the beginning you don't let yourself go and you are thinking that he was the only one for you and stuff like that. But in your case you seem to believe that. Or you have strongly convince yourself that this is the case. So why don't you try to contact him? Maybe if you meet him once again your illusion might get shattered

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That's true, Pollara!

Maybe if you meet him once again your illusion might get shattered

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So why don't you try to contact him? Maybe if you meet him once again your illusion might get shattered

In a strange way that might actually be the best thing for me. I want to emphasize I did move on, but if thoughts of him come back to me after all this time, then I only thought I had moved on.

Anyway, I got dressed up and went out. I met this guy Stan, who asked me to a party. (When I got up to leave, he got up to leave at the same time. What does that signify?)

We have some of the same interests and seem to be compatible. He would never be equal to Ben, but at least I could get some of my needs satisfied.

It's amazing how such a very minor success in my social life can cut through my depression. If nothing else, it's given me some hope (and hope can sustain you long after every other reason is gone).

I had a thought -- my life might actually turn out to be somewhat normal -- and that's the scariest thought of all.

Jenna

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