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I Lost The One I Really Wanted


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I had a thought -- my life might actually turn out to be somewhat normal -- and that's the scariest thought of all.

LOL...true! :)

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If nothing else, it's given me some hope (and hope can sustain you long after every other reason is gone).

Hello Jenna,

I couldn't help but reply to this! I genuinely think hope can be the cruelest thing ever sometimes. As you said, even when all reason is gone, it's hope that keeps you from being able to move on in the situations that we all find ourselves. I don't think you can stop yourself from hoping so maybe it is another part of naturally moving on.

Don't get me wrong, hope can also be an amazing thing, but for now i think of hope as that little cruel voice telling me when i'm feeling low or missing him sometimes that my ex will/could come back to me.

Very annoying :P

x

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Well it depends! I usually have a different reaction. But I guess it is only me, because to every other I have said this, noone considers it normal lol.

When I have hope I am actually able to move on. Because I am saying: OK he is gonna come back. So now until he comes let's do thing by myself etc. And in the end I end up forgetting the thing that I was waiting to return.

But at Jenna's case I don't know if it is her hope or that she just feels nostalgia or I don't know. I am pretty sure that I won't remember someone after 30 years if I don't see him at all

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Okay, I am probably the only other older one here, old enough to "remember" after 30 years, and I can honestly say, you don't forget. (That doesn't equate with wanting them back though). I wouldn't think they'd still be controlling your thoughts or focus after that long. I don't think you ever forget a love you had. On the other hand, it's not likely that they forget you either. But hoping in something where you're given every reason NOT to (as in he's moved on) isn't a great idea. Hope should be reserved for possibility. Maybe she does need to contact him just to have some finality one way or another. Sometimes people reunited after 50 years apart, it does happen. But I am concerned that she might be hoping for someone who has put her in the past and moved on with his life. Hope in that case would not be good for her.

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Just a thought for you to consider, Jenna: I understand that you are still in love with this man, but in reality, you are in love with your heart's desire for the person you thought you knew 30 years ago. Speaking only for myself, I know I am not the same person I was 30 years ago, or even ten or five years ago. Do you really think that nothing has changed in either one of you over the last 30 years? Could it be that what you're really in love with is your fantasy or wish of who you hope this man still may be? I wonder what would happen if reality turns out not to match your fantasy (hope / wish / desire)?

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Okay, I am probably the only other older one here, old enough to "remember" after 30 years, and I can honestly say, you don't forget. (That doesn't equate with wanting them back though). I wouldn't think they'd still be controlling your thoughts or focus after that long. I don't think you ever forget a love you had. On the other hand, it's not likely that they forget you either. But hoping in something where you're given every reason NOT to (as in he's moved on) isn't a great idea. Hope should be reserved for possibility. Maybe she does need to contact him just to have some finality one way or another. Sometimes people reunited after 50 years apart, it does happen. But I am concerned that she might be hoping for someone who has put her in the past and moved on with his life. Hope in that case would not be good for her.

What I meant when I said that I won't remember someone after 30 years wasn't that I will totally forget him. If I won't be in amnesia state or something of course I will remember the person but I won't miss him. It is different matter to remember someone who was a part of your life for some time than to remember him and want him to be with you

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You're not a kidding! Knowing what I know now, I could not pine over someone that long...unless lost by death, but that's different. Your relationship wasn't destroyed, they didn't let you down, they left at the heighth of your relationship going strong.

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... Speaking only for myself, I know I am not the same person I was 30 years ago, or even ten or five years ago. Do you really think that nothing has changed in either one of you over the last 30 years? ...

I know I have changed, for the better, I hope. (Years of therapy have made a difference.)

Funny, but my feelings of hurt seem to have gone away. I tend to ricochet between acute heartbreak and total indifference. I'll speculate on that another time.

And here, without further ado, is

PART FIVE

I am transgendered. I was born male, and some years before meeting Ben, I had an operation to become female (although of course I've always been female "between the ears"). I told Ben about it, and his reaction surprised me -- he kissed me. It was not an issue for him, but my operation was not completely successful -- it left me unable to engage in sex, and I went from doctor to doctor on three different continents trying to get it fixed. This is the main reason why Ben suddenly left me.

A big part of the problem is that I had no symptoms -- until I was ready to have sex, then I would close up. And the more I wanted it, the tighter I would become. I felt like the Greek mythological figure Tantalus, who was made to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree with low branches, with the fruit ever eluding his grasp, and the water always receding before he could take a drink.

It was a difficult problem to diagnose, because I had no symptoms when I was in the doctor's office. Finally I got a doctor who could fix it, but at a terrible price -- the loss of nearly all of my sexual feeling.

But at least if Ben were to come back into my life, I could now take care of his needs.

I've never been as candid on this issue as I am with you here now. It feels good to let it all out, at long last. (The fact that I am unlikely to meet any of you in real life has a lot to do with that. And all names have been changed, of course.)

Being transgendered is no big deal today. It's practically a badge of honor for someone to be so courageous as to become who they really are. If someone objects to a tranny girl entering a beauty contest or a tranny boy in dancing contests on national television, it's the objector everyone jumps on rather than the transgendered person. And I've lost count of all the lawsuits about which bathroom a tranny kid gets to use.

But I remember when it was the exact opposite. Being transgendered was considered to be something shameful, something to be hushed up. When I first told my parents about it, nearly 40 years ago, they went nuclear.

My next major post will move into the metaphysical realm.

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It must have been very emotionally painful to you, for him to leave you for that, but that explains a lot more of the picture. I belong to crossdressers.com mostly because I wanted to learn and understand more, having known crossdressers and transgender people. My exfiance had a printing business and got to know a lot of dragqueens, and yes I know one is not the same as the other, but sometimes the lines blur and one of the things I've gotten out of it is accepting people as they are, and being understanding. I know the pain they often carry as they're misunderstood and judged in society, and of course, all cities are not equal, some places are much more accepting than others. I had a neighbor that transitioned and it was very difficult for her because we're in a small redneck town, she ended up deciding to move with her wife and children to the city afterwards.

I'm sorry your operation was not as successful as you'd hoped for, and that the only correction would come at such a high price. .

I do understand your reticence at being candid, but I don't think most people are here to judge, but just to care and offer support wherever we can.

BTW, I applaud the beauty queen in Canada that fought the judge and won! And yes, I do think it takes tremendous courage to buck the norm, no matter what it is.

But I'm still not so sure I understand why after 30 years you'd think Ben is your one and only and what would make you think he would give it a chance after all this time? I think it'd be great if there could be a happily ever after to this but maybe the realist in me just makes me doubt because I don't want to see you get hurt again.

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... But I'm still not so sure I understand why after 30 years you'd think Ben is your one and only and what would make you think he would give it a chance after all this time? I think it'd be great if there could be a happily ever after to this but maybe the realist in me just makes me doubt because I don't want to see you get hurt again.

It would be great if I no longer desired him, but I do. I can't help it. He made me happier than anyone else I've ever known, including Thomas, Lenny, and Fred combined.

And I do estimate the chances of "a happily ever after" at only 20%. Because of what happened on April 3, 2013, I think there may still be a chance.

Stan hasn't called me. (Sound familiar, anyone?) But I'm trying to play this one by "the rules". If Stan and I do form a relationship I'm going to consider it temporary. (It might be temporary for the rest of my life, but whatever.)

Jenna

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Jenna,

I caution you not to limit the possibilities. Maybe Stan isn't "the one" either, but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that would be the greatest for you, try not to close the door to possibilities. I'm not saying it couldn't work with Ben, stranger things have been known to happen, but I am very cautious about you putting your hopes in something so uncertain.

Have you tried to contact him? Right now he is an illusion that you don't even know if it exists...you are putting your hope in a fantasy that you don't know is real. Why not test it and see if it is indeed real or not? Perhaps he's married and wants nothing to do with you. Perhaps he's dead. 30 years is a long time! And perhaps he's waiting for you too...but if so, have you not asked yourself the question why he hasn't attempted to find you?]

What happened on the aforementioned date?

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Hmm 20% is not that bad at all. I would give less. What happen and you give so much?

It's like saying a 20% chance of rain. It's just a guess, the number itself means nothing, and no matter what happens, you're right.

Jenna,

I caution you not to limit the possibilities. Maybe Stan isn't "the one" either, but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that would be the greatest for you, try not to close the door to possibilities. I'm not saying it couldn't work with Ben, stranger things have been known to happen, but I am very cautious about you putting your hopes in something so uncertain.

Have you tried to contact him? Right now he is an illusion that you don't even know if it exists...you are putting your hope in a fantasy that you don't know is real. Why not test it and see if it is indeed real or not? Perhaps he's married and wants nothing to do with you. Perhaps he's dead. 30 years is a long time! And perhaps he's waiting for you too...but if so, have you not asked yourself the question why he hasn't attempted to find you?]

What happened on the aforementioned date?

I'm willing to go with whatever works. I keep saying I want to look for him, but I'm afraid of what I'll find. Part of me wants to forget about him and not bother -- my feelings on this matter change faster than the Federal Open Market Committee. I had a friend look for him on Facebook and a few other places, but he's not to be found. I myself had made myself very difficult to trace (for other reasons).

The date with Stan hasn't happened yet.

Jenna

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You could try a private detective. Have you exhausted all possibilities through his family or friends, classmates?

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PART SIX

I believe in reincarnation. Furthermore, I believe that two lifetimes ago, Ben and I were married, rich, and deliriously happy. But, tragically, I died in childbirth.

I've started into therapy (again!) I told her my story, and she said the reason I'm bereft and heartbroken is because I choose to be bereft and heartbroken. Have you ever heard such nonsense? I said so, and she realized there was no way I was ever going to be able to stop wanting him. So she told me to follow my heart (whatever that means).

Although in a later session, she clarified what she meant. What she meant was that if I choose to not be heartbroken then I will take the steps necessary to resolve the situation. Now that makes sense.

One goal of therapy is, even if I don't find him, to be able to get on with my life. I still have my crashes, and they keep me from getting the things I need to do done. I have goals (other than being with Ben) but sometimes find it difficult to pursue them due to my crashes.

I've adjusted my "medication". I believe in taking lots of vitamins, and I had been taking was 250 mg of niacin and 1 g of vitamin C each day. I've stopped taking those and it seemed to help me be not so weepy.

My viewpoint is that sometimes love is so strong and powerful that it just won't go away. Or maybe it will, but only after many years and a million tears. I did some research on how long people think it takes to get over someone, and I've seen estimates of from 1 to 7000 years (remember, I said I believe in reincarnation). But in my own case, I'm going with an estimate of 200 to 300 years. Unless reunification happens, of course, in which case the hurt will go away in about 2 seconds.

I wrote him a letter. Having read Don Ho's Reconciliation List here on this forum, there is no way I will ever give him this letter now. But here it is for you all to read:


Dear, Dear Ben,

As I write this letter I don't know where you are or if you're still alive. It was 30 years ago that you broke it off with me, but I am still very much in love with you. When we slept together you made me feel so safe, so protected, so cared for. The perfect scene from my point of view.

I don't blame you for bailing out of our relationship; I was self-centered, at the time incapable of seeing needs past the end of my nose. From Asperger's Syndrome to genetic defects to having suffered various forms of child abuse, I was a damaged individual, both physically and mentally, incapable of giving a fine man such as yourself what he needs and deserves.

When you ended it I took it very hard. I cried myself to sleep for a solid week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I considered ending it all; to this day no one knows how close I really came. I went up to Rick and Eleanor's (where we first met) to get them to talk me out of it.

So I did what any girl would do in that situation: I threw myself into relationship after relationship and moved farther and farther away, hoping to forget. Even Thomas was only a substitute, and a poor one at that. (He and I are no longer together.)

Instead of forgetting you I only managed to put myself into denial. I developed a host of complaints, from amotivational syndrome to cyclic "crashes" where I would be incapable of doing even the simplest things.

That all changed on the night of April 3, 2013. I was in bed when I had the definite impression you had come to me in spirit form and started caressing me. It was very pleasant, but to this day I don't know if it was telepathy, some kind of astral walking on your part, or just simply my imagination, the result of pent-up unfulfilled needs. But at that point I knew -- my attempts to forget you and move on had failed, and that I would never find anyone whom I'd rather be with than you.

Do you remember Yvonne Elliman's song, If I Can't Have You? That describes me exactly. "Elliman's Syndrome", severe, chronic, and completely incurable. I may from time to time find someone I can have a few laughs with, but I'll probably be celibate for the rest of my life. My heart will always belong to you.

If by some miracle I should find you again, and you still want me to stay out of your life, I will -- because in spite of all of the above, your needs are important to me. I had briefly considered stalking you after the breakup, just to be near you, but that would have been wrong. And I didn't want to be given a restraining order (not the good kind).

I do predict that someday we'll be together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime.

I wonder if you think of me from time to time.

In any case, I want you to be happy.

With everlasting love,

Jenna

The final part of the story will talk about the present and the near future.

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Well personally, if I were to look for and find an old love, I would probably keep it simple for openers so as not to scare them off, something like "I will always consider the time I had with you very special" and "I wonder if you have thought of me"...

I don't think Don Ho's list applies in your case so much because it was written more for someone who has just been broken up with and wanting to get through it...usually either getting over them or hoping for the best possible chance to get them back. The reason I don't find it applicable is in your case, 30 years has gone by and I'm sure he has moved on, way on, by now. I'd think it helpful to continue pursuing other interests rather than continuing to fixate on someone who doesn't want me. Gosh I know that sounds harsh and I really don't mean it to, I mean it as the cold hard truth spoken with sincere caring for your best interests. But if therapy by professionals who are educated to help hasn't done any good, what can I possibly add to it that could help you? I have never known anyone who still carried a torch for someone 30 years later, so am at a loss as to what to say, I'm sorry. I know it's got to be hard for you. Have you thought of writing a letter FROM him TO you as to what you think he really might say to you after all of this time?

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Have you thought of writing a letter FROM him TO you as to what you think he really might say to you after all of this time?

That's a good idea. I could write two letters; a "bad" one and a "good" one.

I was sorting through old newspaper clippings when I came across this letter to Dear Abby:

"My husband of 20 years, 'Rocky,' has moved out of our home and into the apartment of his first love from 25 years ago. I think it's possible that he is going through a mid-life crisis. Rocky is 43. I don't like the life he led all those years ago, and I'm afraid he is headed back in the same direction. He has changed, but she has not.

Rocky refuses to talk to me and hasn't spoken to the kids since he left. He says he is scared of what they will say to him and of how they must feel toward him. I am so hurt. I love my husband so much. Do men who go through changes like this usually return to the families they left behind? Please help me."

I don't want to get into get into debating the ethics of the situation, but she gets no sympathy from me. I should be so lucky. Besides, if Thomas left me to be with his GF, then fate owes me one. Why should I always be on the losing end?

BTW, I went back to the area I last knew him to be living in -- twice -- and checked the county marriage records. There was no mention of his name.

Jenna

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Well unfortunately fate doesn't owe anything to anyone. Think it the other way, Thomas wouldn't have left you if you really care about him.

Well in any case I am an individual who doesn't believe in any religion (so in this way no to incarnation, heaven or hell) and not to things like fate and destiny. We are the ones that define our destiny and fate with our actions.

In my opinion your therapist is right. How can you forget him and move on if you repeatedly saying that you will meet someone who is not equal to Ben? You are prejudiced and biased before you even meet him

And I don't know, but I don't find it so difficult to find someone. Do you really want to find him or you just afraid that he will break your illusion and then you don't have something to cling on?

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I am a Christian but I agree with Pollara in that I don't believe in fate and destiny except by our own making. I do think "destiny" if you will, sends us opportunities and encounters but it's up to us to make the most of them. Sometimes you look at the odds of meeting a certain person the way you did and marvel that it happened or that this person who is so right for you should suddenly show up in your existence. The truth is, though, that there are millions of people in this world, is it really so odd that you should meet one...or two, or more, that "fit" with you? I've never found anyone that fit with me like George did, but then again, I haven't gone out of my way to really look either, and relying on happenstance cuts the odds alot.

I agree with Pollara that your bias is keeping you from having the happy life you could possibly have. I think as long as you are pining the past you will deny yourself a future.

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PART SEVEN

I've looked into hiring a private detective to find him. My niece knows someone who does this sort of thing. After not seeing him for 25 years, a lot can change, and maybe we'll get back together on some level, if only just friends. After all, he did reach out to me several times after the breakup. So perhaps there is some spark there that can be kindled.

It could be he's looking for me too. My only chance is if he wants me too -- if not, the story's finished. I estimate that there's only a 20% chance of our getting back into a relationship again, although people may consider that optimistic. However, he is my soulmate, and that fact can conquer all. But if he still wants me to stay out of his life, I will, but like I said, a lot can change in 25 years. One contact in 25 years can hardly be construed as harassment.

But I'm not sure if I want to go ahead with this. I don't know why I'm hesitating.

Something happened last week. I was getting off a streetcar and I saw a man that looked a lot like him (allowing for aging). Seeing as how we were a long way away from where we had both lived, I doubt it was him, especially since it's easy to project onto such a man the image of whom I want him to look like.

I was getting off at the same stop, and stood next to him to see if he would notice me. But he didn't. In retrospect, I should have called out his name to see if he would turn around, however, it all happened so quickly that I was unprepared.

My entire life has been way too wierd. I've decided in my next life I want to be ordinary. Perhaps we will meet each other again then? I'd like to think I'd get it right next time.

I've entered into therapy again. We must be making progress, because every week we talk about a different topic. My last session was just today, and we discussed how I have difficulty letting others know what my needs are. (That was the great thing about Ben. He just knew.) I was only able to hint to my therapist what I was looking for. No plain vanilla for me! Part of this has to do with the fact that I've hung out among some pretty prudish people at times.

Also, it's been hot here, and they're expecting even warmer weather tomorrow!


The above is the last "official" installment of my story, although I may add some more from time to time.

Jenna

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Well the fact that you are still wanting Ben after all these years but would hesitate contacting him out of fear of finding out how things really stand shows me you re possibly living in a fantasy world where reality has little to do with it. I think it'd be good to face your fears, confront the facts, and begin living, really living in reality. But I'm not a counselor or therapist so what do I know? All I have to offer is my life experience and intuition.

I wish you luck. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and feel you're making some progress.

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I just got finished reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. Quite an adventure, I must say!

Anyway, what I got from the story line that even when two well-matched people have a relationship, it is often difficult to keep it going. There will always be challenges, and even if things are working out well, the competition just doesn't leave you alone.

Perhaps if Ben and I never broke up, our relationship would have had a firm foundation that would have made it possible for us to continue on together. But as it is, even if things were to new work out as well as they possibly could at this time, we would be lacking that firm foundation. So I could win in the short term (as unlikely as ever) and still lose in the long term.

Then again, we could always meet in the next lifetime! The "statute of limitations" would definitely be up by then.

On another matter, I'm meeting Stan tomorrow. We are not well-matched, and I don't really have any feelings for him, but at least we have some similar interests. I'll let you know how it goes.

Jenna

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For George and I (my late husband) there never was and never could be any competition. We were first in each other's eyes. He is the measuring stick by which I measure love.

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Well, I went out with Stan.

He finally writes me just two days before the event. Here I am oh so eager for him to write me, and he's so casual about it. Oh well, what did I expect?

Anyway, we go to this lecture and demonstration of Japanese art techniques. Very stimulating. I arrive first, and I got myself a drink, but otherwise he paid for the drinks and snacks. A perfect gentleman!

(I just bought a car, and am still getting used to it and to navigating the local streets. I consider I needed the drink, but I only allowed myself one. I didn't want to get a DUI.)

I finally realized something. I have difficulty stating my needs. A puritanical (Catholic) upbringing is part of that. That's what made Ben so perfect -- I never had to tell him what I wanted, he just knew. Or to be more accurate, he knew what he wanted to do to me, which happened to be exactly what I wanted done. (I was not so good at meeting his needs, so I make it a point to keep asking Stan what would he like. But he quickly made it clear that he was choosing to focus on me this time.)

Stan and I are well-matched. It's been a long time since I had this much fun on a date -- too long!

Jenna

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Jenna,

So glad to hear it! That is great! Let yourself explore possibilities...

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