I Lost The One I Really Wanted

[Jenna2]

It's been a long time since I've posted to this forum.

I don't have much attention on Ben any more. My life was going so bad in other ways that I believe I was reaching out for happiness however I could, even if that was a long shot from many years past.

I'm sure he's gotten his needs met from someone else (or perhaps multiple someone elses) along the way and he really has no need for me. (I told my therapist that and she was glad to hear it.)

But I'll never forget him and I doubt he'll ever totally forget me.

Although if by some miracle we WERE to get back together, it probably wouldn't be as good as it was. And if it was as good as it was, it still wouldn't be as good as I would LIKE it to be in my fantasy world.

All my life I've had to deal with being unwanted. But I'll muddle along as best I can.

Jenna

[MartyT]

Good for you, Jenna ~ Good for YOU! ♥

[kayc]

Jenna,

I'm so proud of you! You've come to a healthy way of looking at it, more pragmatic, and I wish only good things for you in your future! Sometimes our grief is over what we thought something was (fantasy) rather than reality, but what we think IS our reality so the lines can blur.

[Jenna2]

It's been half a year since I've posted to this forum, and thought I'd give y'all an update.

Nothing's really changed. I would not have attention on him for a while, then all of a sudden be missing him all over again.

Perhaps in the next lifetime we will meet again -- and be of compatible age and in the same general area.

Jenna

[kayc]

Have you sought professional help in trying to get over him? It seems like you mentioned you had, I can't remember. Most people do get over someone when years have gone by and they've put forth the effort to. I was engaged to someone once, 38 years ago, and thought he was the love of my life, when he broke up with me, he never gave me a reason, and I felt I didn't have closure. It took me a full 17 years before I realized that when I thought of him, it didn't hurt any more. I didn't mourn him all that time, but it was a gradual decline of emotions, very gradual. It hurt for the longest time. After George died, we met again, only he pursues me now and then, and I don't go for it, I feel nothing any more. I look back and think now that I only saw parts of him when I was young, but now I see reality. George is the love of my life, and even death could not change that.

I hope you will continue giving others a chance. This man meant a great deal to you, but someone else could surprise you.

[Jenna2]

Hi, KayC.

Yes, I did "seek professional help", but it didn't work, just like all the other professional helps I tried over the years.

There are times when my attention is NOT on him, but always, "this too shall pass".

I AM seeing someone new, but it's not making much difference.

Wherever he is, I want to follow him.

Jenna

[kayc]

Well perhaps like me it'll fade with enough years. I just kind of feel if it was meant to be it would have happened.

[Jenna2]

Enough years??? It's been over 30 already!

We do have a sort of spiritual/telepathic connection between us. With some effort, I could strengthen the connection. He does have some affection for me; how much is hard to tell. Although when I last saw him, it obviously wasn't enough that he wanted to get back together again.

Perhaps he's changed his mind by now, but I've gotten so good at running away that I'm sure he could not trace me.

Either way, I want what he wants: if he wants me to stay out of his life, I will; if he wants me to come to him, I will.

I now know what to call what happened on April 3, 2013. It was a romantic/sexual visitation dream, although it just continued on after it woke me up, so I guess I should call it a romantic/sexual lucid visitation dream.

I haven't been sleeping well, I'm not eating right, and I've been generally neglectful of my health. And if that wasn't enough, my landlord sold my apartment out from under me and I'm now staying in a "temporary" accomodation, adding to my stress.

Like I said, I'm seeing someone else, but I'm really not interested. When you find THE ONE there is just no substitute -- even if he never wants me again I'll always want him, as sure as water's wet. Attempting to move on was a big mistake. This relationship with all its problems was better than any other I've had simply because Ben was in it.

I was a damaged individual, incapable of giving him what he needed, and now I'm paying the price. I've made progress; if I were to meet him for the first time today, all other things being equal, I'm sure it would be different.

Jenna

[kayc]

Thirty years is longer than most take to get over someone. Are you fixated on him? Is your Aspergers affecting it? I don't know what to tell you except keep trying to live your life. I wouldn't hold hope for getting back together when it's been that long. I'm sorry you have so much going on, that's really hard. Do you think you're missing him or regretting that things weren't under better circumstances at the time so you could have known it would have had a chance...or not.

[Jenna2]

Fixated? I suppose you could call it that. I love him unconditionally. If he doesn't want me back, I'll stay out of his life and love him from afar. If he's dead, I'll cherish his memory. If he just wants to be friends, I'll take that. If I have a relationship with someone else, it will just be an accomodation as far as I'm concerned.

My biggest mistakes in life were when I decided to do something and then let someone else talk me into doing something else instead. It's happened time and time again. No more letting go, no more moving on, no more believing I could be truly happy with someone else. No room for negotiation on this -- ever again.

Jenna

[kayc]

So it sounds like you are determined to love him rather than get over him. Therein lies your answer, it is no mystery then. Isn't it hard to love someone from afar, to wish for what isn't? It would be for me!