ShanN Posted June 23, 2013 Report Share Posted June 23, 2013 These two photos were of one of my honey's last days at home. I have literally stared at these most of today just laying in bed next to where his place was, is, and will always be. And I look at him and it is so beyond my comprehension that he no longer is on this earth, that it will be four weeks this Wednesday, that I can't hear his goofy humor, and his smile that always melts my heart, that I can't just sit or lay and stare at him as he sleeps, and caress his beard and his chin and he never woke... It's like he knew it was me there beside him, that I can't hear his grumpy sleepy complaints that I would tease him about, that I can't lock my fingers with his and hold his hand laying my head on his chest.... He is just gone... And looking at photos... It's just so incomprehensible to me that he was once my everything and my sunshine and every breath I take and now he is just gone and life is going on everywhere the sun still shines the birds still sing but my world is just gone. It feels so much bigger than me, I can't grasp this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Dearest Shannon, dear heart, I am so very happy that you are strong enough to write and share here again, and to be with us around this warm fire of love, compassion, caring, and healing. Dear one, you are here, and you are making it one day at a time. While your world has ended as you knew it, I do believe that your are being shown the promise of life and awareness with the shining of the sun and the singing of the birds. All of life is sharing loving and healing energy with you. Even as you journey through the very deep darkness of grief, and feel the emptiness of your broken heart, I hope you know and can feel that you are surrounded by, infused with, and held up to, LOVE from us all and from All that Is. You are a precious and beautiful spirit, and you are making a very courageous and difficult journey. We are here for you, and send you great love and peace, and of course, I am sending you a lot of *<fairy dust>* as well. I will be on the road this next week or so, and may not be able to write to you here, but I wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you, praying for you, and holding you in my heart every day. With much love, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Dear Shannon, It is always good to see your post here...it means perhaps that you are feeling just a bit better or at least good enough to post. All of us know that feeling that this is beyond belief, too much to comprehend and well...shocking. Can not get your brain around the reality and that is fine. I believe our minds protect us with fog that lifts slowly. No matter how prepared we think we are....we are shocked, I believe, by the loss. Give yourself time...just one day at a time. Yes, life goes on all around us and we walk amidst those who are on the surface at least untouched by loss. Many are grieving but it does not show. But life just keeps going on as do those around us. Hence the value of this group...because here is one place where all of our lives seem to have stopped...while we grieve our losses. We are with you. Rest up and try to eat. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you Fae and Mary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you Fae and Mary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Hi ShanN....I haven't posted in a while, but when I read your post, I thought back to October, 2010, when I lost my Buck. I can feel the anguish in your words and know that only time will help the pain diminish. I could not understand why the world kept right on turning when mine had been crushed. Just know that each of us grieves in our own way and that there is no specific time frame to deal with it all. I remember looking at his pictures, talking to them and wondering how I could ever survive it. But time has a way of helping us gain perspective. So keep posting...it really helps, and be kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care. Marietta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you for sharing those pictures with us Shannon. I know how hard it must be and so soon for you. I'm glad you found this site as early as you have. It took a while before I did and it helps me more than I could ever express to be among the good souls on board.. I have a time of it still when I look at pictures of Kathy. I came across a memory card with the pictures I took of her in the air ambulance coming back to Phoenix a week before she died. The smile on her face haunts me still. I spent two months in that fog before I sought help. I still today wake up thinking how it's just another day without her. Some things you just don't get over. But as Mary and Fae have said, you have friends here and a safe place to come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Hello dear Shannon, I just came on and found a post from you. I am sure that the pictures bring you comfort. It will be a long while before you even begin to understand that your Leo is gone. Remember, one hour, one day at a time. And yes, life does seem to be just going on - except to those of us who have lost our loved ones. Stay here with us as we all do understand and draw strength and comfort from each other. More later, dear one. Care for your health right now. How are your chemo treatments coming - we are all with you. I hope you can feel our love. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 I've got so many photos. And I'm actually smiling right now. Because I love seeing the many faces of my love. He was such a funny light hearted always joking man. A big kid. That's why I am smiling. But still it's just so surreal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Hi Marietta, Kat, and Anne, Thank you for replying. Thank you for understanding my words... When all seems so impossible. All of you here have been such a support. This is not a place any of us should be... Yet it is the best place to be. (((((Hugs)))) Anne, the chemo is grueling. Quite honestly I don't want to do it at all. But I know Leo would want me to fight. Seeing oncologist in the morning for tests. Praying its working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Oh gosh, Shannon, I remember feeling just like that, wondering how the sun could come up and the birds could sing, couldn't they see my George was gone? Do let us know how it goes with the oncologist. Keeping you in my prayers... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Shannon! All of our good thoughts will be with you in the morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Dear One, Dear Shannon, This is a sort of p.s., to echo what Mary said about eating and drinking, getting lots of rest, taking good care of your body. This is more than one person can bear alone, so come here whenever you feel able, and we will hold your heart and listen. Some days are still surreal for me, dear Shannon, and it is only because I hear a bird sing or see a sun rise that I know I am still on Earth and alive, and have existence. Because there are still times when it has felt that I had no existence left at all. You are here with us. We will hold you. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself, and go very gently each hour and day, dear one. Give yourself as much love as you can each moment, dear Shannon. We send you ours. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 24, 2013 Report Share Posted June 24, 2013 Sending healing thoughts and holding you in our prayers tomorrow, dear Shannon ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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