The Fight Of My Life, Without Him.

[ShanN]

Crying my eyes out. Chemo has not worked so far. Things are worse. Having surgery. Then much more aggressive chemo and radiation and then a bone marrow transplant.

Tomorrow night is four weeks.

Twenty eight days.

Since my Leo left this earth.

I need him more than I ever have before. I'm in for the fight of my life. And I've been here trying to digest things for the last day, wondering if I even have enough fight in me. How can I when my world was just taken away. My reason for living.

I'm having surgery Thursday morning. So I won't be around. Then I will be staying in the hospital because very high dose chemo and radiation will follow before I can get the healthy bone marrow that will be donated from my brother who is a match thank God. Ironically though he and I have been on non speaking terms. But he is my big brother and I love him. So things are changing there. He will be coming out from CA with his wife and two youngest boys... Jake 5 and Jackson 14mos. Whom I've yet to meet.

I hope and pray I have the strength to win this fight. It feels impossible though because I'm so shattered still in shock and in a fog losing my Leo-bear.

I'm scared. But I'm scared to exist without him. I'm not much scared of this cancer.

I'm crying. My heart hurts. My world was him. Just like my world was my Mama when my stepfather killed her when I was 15. Two very different circumstances, yet so similar because my world has been shattered and taken away.

Will thse tears stop. It hurts so deeply to sob this hard.

[srm]

Shannon,

I am so very sorry to hear that the chemo has not been effective and that you need all of the more aggressive treatment. It is good that your brother is a match, and must be comforting to know that whatever difficulties you have had, that he is there to help you. You are indeed in a fight. I wish you strength of body mind heart and spirit. May the love of those dear to you surround and protect you. My best wishes are with you. Sue

[KATPILOT]

Shannon,

My prayers and best thoughts go with you today. Have faith and know Leo is with you every step of the way.

Stephen

[MartyT]

Shannon, my dear, this news is both frightening and heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry . . . We are with you, too, keeping you in our prayers, holding you in our hearts, and wishing you gentle, loving comfort. ♥

[mfh]

Shannon, I know this is frightening for you and must feel like more of the same...it has been such a long siege and I know Leo is with you as you face surgery tomorrow and more chemo. I hope that seeing your brother, even in these circumstances, brings you some sense of family and love. It seems that even though you have not spoken, he is coming through on your behalf so I hope that ends up being not only an effective treatment for you but also a sign of his love for you. I will keep an eye on the forum in the next several days...hoping to see some good news posted.

Mary sending prayers and peace.

[HAP]

Dear Shannon,

There are no words for what you are dealing with that will do it justice. Please know you are in my mind and heart in the days and weeks ahead. Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[LarrysGirl]

Shannon, I will say a prayer and send positive energy your way. You are a part of this family, we will hold you close, Deborah

[kayc]

My dearest Shannon,

You are on top priority on my prayer list! I think your brother's donation is an answer to prayer and maybe will be a channel for some healing there too. Imagine your Leo right there with you...I think he is, in spirit form. Imagine him lying right beside you as you undergo treatments and surgery, holding your hand as you go through it.

We continue to hold you, dear Shannon and pray better health will come your way.

Kay

[ShanN]

Shannon had surgery on Thursday to remove part of her liver that had a mass, her spleen entirely, as well as a mass in her chest. She is in a lot of pain. Getting nutrients and fluids in her central line. And has a tube that is draining fluids from her chest and abdomen which will speed up healing. This is stage 4 lymphoma. Her older brother arrived from CA. He will be donating bone marrow that will save her life if our prayers are answered. When Shan recovers from the surgery, she will begin radiation and very high dose chemo that will unfortunately kill good cells along with bad. But getting her brother's healthy matching marrow will be the greatest gift.

It is past 3am here. Unfortunately, her brother, SIL, and nephews are on west coast time. And the baby is up teething. He just took off walking last week, so he is precious.

Will update as things progress.

Today is one month since Leo passed away. I know how much Shannon doesn't want to fight this battle. I lost another brother... But I didn't lose my husband.

--Mary (SIL)

[mfh]

Mary, I happen to be awake tonight and saw your post. Thank you for updating us. This is just an unbelievable chapter in Shannon's life. We all pray that she makes it through this and I think we all realize that she is torn and fighting this battle demands so much more energy than she has right now. Just dealing with losing Leo drains what is left of her energy. Please tell her that we are all still here praying and hoping for healing.

Mary

[enna]

Prayers are with Shannon and all of you. Thank you for posting and do let her know that we offer up our prayers. This is truly so sad and I am so sorry that this is happening to her. Keeping her in my heart and praying. Anne

[MartyT]

We're all so very sorry to learn this awful news, Mary ~ but grateful to you for keeping us informed. Thank you. We are holding Shannon (and you and the rest of her family) in our prayers

[kayc]

Mary,

Thank you for updating us on Shannon. Poor girl has so much she is going through. Keeping her (and you all) in our prayers. When is she due to get the bone marrow?

[ShanN]

Thank you all.

Shan is recovering from the surgery. Healing is slower but that is to be expected because of her immune system. Dr is hoping to remove the drainage tube in a couple of days. She is getting nutrients and fluids still. But also began some fluid diet today. Jello, broth, ginger ale, boost(which she hates!).

She will start high dose chemo and radiation probably by the end of the week at the earliest. Then she will receive her brother's healthy stem cells a few weeks later. He is donating this week. And by the grace of God or some higher power, her body will accept it rather than reject. She will receive medication to prevent rejection. She will be in isolation during this whole process. Obviously any infection is life threatening.

She is sleeping a lot. I guess a blessing really. She does not talk much about Leo. I think it is just too much. She does not have the strength.

God bless you all in your journeys. I will update when able.

Mary (sorry had to edit so you'd know it is myself updating)

[mfh]

Mary, thank you for the update on Shannon. I know it is none of my business but I worry about Shannon's poor body with all the surgery, chemo and more. Shannon is certainly being subjected to a lot of surgery, treatment and heavy chemo in her weakened condition. I have to say I worry about all of that. Do you have any idea of the prognosis...i.e. what the doctors are saying? She and all of you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Mary mfh

[feralfae]

Dear Mary (SIL)

Thank you for updating us all on Shannon's journey. You are a dear to help and communicate through your own grief and worry.

As long as Shannon knows we are all pulling for her, and that we are all sending love and best thoughts her way, and holding her close in our hearts, that is enough. I am praying for her in my morning and evening prayers, and I hope she has one of her warm, fuzzy animals that has been sterilized to keep her company in isolation. I don't know if they allow such things, but she needs all the comfort and sense of continuity she can get right now, I imagine.

Mary, you are so dear to take the time to let us know how Shannon is doing. Thank you, dear heart.

I am sending love, {{{hugs}}} and of course *<fairy dust>* for Shannon as she goes through this very difficult and painful time. I wish I could do more. We all do.

Much Love, Blessings, and {{{{{more hugs}}}}}

fae

[kayc]

Mary,

Thank you for your continuing updates on Shannon. I will certainly pray her body accepts the bone marrow. I think it is indeed a blessing that she's sleeping. She will probably have to put off her grief work until she is physically better able bodied. I hope she continues sleeping. Any chance she can get solid diet soon?

[ShanN]

Hello,

Mary (mfh), the oncologist is very hopeful in this process. Mark (shan's brother) is as close a match as you can possibly get. That is wonderful wonderful news. So it's up to her body to take what will be given.

And yes. She has a special blanket that was Leo's. I think that is her comfort right now.

Thank you all for the thoughts etc...

I told her that you all have her in your prayers. She still is sleeping a lot. She did start some solid food for dinner. But her appetite is slim.

Bless you all for caring!

Hubby and I are staying at her place and going through some bills, legal stuff, and more. It's good to have someone here. Our son and two boys are at our house. So this alone time is welcome.

Will keep you abreast when able.

[HAP]

Be well, all of you. Shannon needs your strength as well as her own. I hold her in my heart and in my mind.

There is little I truly hate in the world--but I do hate cancer.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Mary,

So glad you are there for Shannon and glad also to hear how good the match is. She doesn't need to worry about bills, etc. right now so glad you are helping sort that out too.

[Queeniemary]

Mary, thank you for the updates on Shannon. Also so glad to hear that Mark is so close a match, now we will pray her body does it's part. Praying for all of you, I know this is difficult for all of you too.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your news about Shannon.

I am so glad to hear she has Leo's blanket. I hope her appetite improves, and I am delighted to hear that the bone marrow is such a good match. A positive for us all to focus on right now for Shannon.

Fire crackers are gong off here in Montana, out across the valley, and there will be lost of sparkles tonight. I will celebrate the marrow match, and the solid foods.

You and Shannon are in my prayers and heart this day, dear Mary. Thank you for keeping us in the loop.

Please give Shannon my love and this big bundle of *<fairy dust>*

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Hi everyone. This is Mary again updating on Shan.

She starts her high dose chemotherapy and radiation later this morning. So there is no turning back. She will receive her brother's healthy donation of stem cells.

She is missing my brother very very much the last couple days.

Blessings to you all.

Mary

[enna]

Hello Mary. Please continue to let Shannon know that we are walking with her and all of your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Let Mark know that we have him in our hearts also. I think he is very brave. May you all have a deep peace during these next days. A special hug to Shannon from me. Keep Leo's special blanket close to her. Leo is with her and sees how very brave she is being. Keep a special hug for you also Mary for all you are doing. Anne

[mfh]

Hi everyone. This is Mary again updating on Shan.

She starts her high dose chemotherapy and radiation later this morning. So there is no turning back. She will receive her brother's healthy donation of stem cells.

She is missing my brother very very much the last couple days.

Blessings to you all.

Mary

Mary, thank you for the update. I continue to hold you and Shannon and Mark in my heart and in my prayers and thoughts. I am sure she is missing Leo ever so much and has a tough road ahead of her. We all hold all of you in the light.

Mary mfh