DanaMax Posted June 27, 2013 Report Share Posted June 27, 2013 Its been 11 days and I am still walking with the emotiona and physical cloud over my head. I never imagined the heartache or struggle I would have when losing you. The pain hurt so much the first day I cried out to bring you back home. And I wondered why that wasnt what I did this time. I began to feel the guilt and grief and extreme loss that I would never get back. I cried because I wanted to hold you again right then and there and there you were not. My grief and saddness and heartache turned to selfishness. I thought to myself "if only I knew the heartache, I would have done this" I continued to play those games and I still do. My sadness is mostly anger, anger at myself never you. I feel guilty as though I failed you. The last thing I would ever want you to feel was that I did not love you anymore. 19 years of love from you was my light and joy each day. As your grew old as you became more dependent on me I became more dependant on you. I accepted all responsiblity that came with you as you grew into my old little frail grandpa kitty. I would tell Chris try holding you like this, I dont think it hurts as much. I always wondered how you felt especially when I noticed you were having a bad day. I wish I could have spoken to you. There were countless nights we went asleep in our room and you in your own little "apartment" with your bed, food and litter box close by that I wished you could be in our bed. You lost your ability to run, jump and climb 3 years ago, so my heart broke you were in your bed all alone. I always prayed that you knew how much I loved you even though you were a room away. Now you are beyond a room away and it seems like I will never be able to feel you again. The friendship, love and companionship you gave me while never be forgotten. I think about you throughout the day and sometimes the pain begins to crumble my heart again. I never knew I would have the strength to make a decision that meant loosing you forever. Our friends and family so we will meet again. I wish I knew that for sure. As the days go by, I can still feel the gray cloud over my head. It lifts and comes back, it lifts and comes back. I will never forget the feeling I felt when I cried myself back to sleep the first night you were no longer with us. Your hound brothers miss you! Especially Roy. He feels my sadness and I can see his. What helps me remember this was supposed to be, I remember the hurt and discomfort you had, the inability to walk in a straight line- Mr Captain Jack Sparrow And that you can now run, jump and climb. You can be you again without the pain or struggle. Its selfish to think that now I know you do not hurt but the pain I feel is unberable that I would have wished for a way to keep you with us forever. I love you my Cubby, Cubster, Moo Moo, Moufy, Mufusa, FatMan... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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