My Heart Is Broken, How Can I 'move On'?

[Louisajane]

I know my story is not unusual but I am 64 and I had two long relationships - a marriage of 17 years - which I chose to leave as I felt we had grown apart and seemed to have nothing to say to each other anymore - breaking my husband's heart. I now really know what he went through - then an 18 year relationship with very articulate man who turned out to be cold and emotionally abusive. Again it was my choice to leave, I don't think he had a heart to break. I took a couple of years to get over the aftermath, hoping this time as a mature person to make the right choice and find the 'one' for what was left of my life. I found 'Sam' through online dating. He is very fit and competes internationally as a judo veteran as well as being a fantastically skilled sports therapist, a lot of fun, kind and warm-hearted and willing to help with anything I needed, e.g fixing things, putting up shelves etc. It was wonderful. There were problems, he is so very focused, as he needs to be to win at judo and do so well at everything he does. But this can make him snappy and cold when working, and I felt I had to cope with being snapped at and not question him about anything where he was the 'expert'. I would sometimes feel clumsy and in the way. But the good parts of the relationship were so very good that I never thought of us breaking up. He loved me so much, and I loved him, as a person and as an intimate partner.

We didn't live together as he had caring responsiblity for his mum in one town and I lived 20 miles away in another town where I keep an eye on my elderly aunt. I believed we would live together when only one of us had caring responsibilties and we talked about this though did not makie promises.

Then last year (our second year seeing each other) we had a few difficulties. One time when he was helping me move house, he got mad and shouted at me and I shouted back that he shouldn't speak to me that way. He felt he was trying to protect me from injuring myself lifting something, I said I hadn't hurt myself and had to do this kind of thing when he wasn't around. We got through that day, but a few days later he said he thought we had no future together and should break up. I cried my heart out and in the end we didn;t break up. Then a few weeks later, he went away to an international sporting event as a sports therapist. Just before he went I got into a problem with my accommodation and needed to move again...I didn't want to burden him with this when he was about to set off for this event, and I'd already said goodbye to him for the 2 weeks he would be gone.

He was very upset when he got back that I had not told him, and had made decisions he thought I should have checked out with him etc, and though I tried to explain my reasons it did not assuage his hurt. I should have just apologised not got defensive I now realise. I didn't take into account that his caring for me included feeling it was his role to look after and protect me,and I tried to be independent, thinking he would prefer me not to burden him when he was so busy and would not have time to help. He said in fact he would have been able to get back in between things and help out.

We got through the rest of last year, and in December he went to do sports therapy at an event abroad, and came back saying they had asked him to return next year and he had asked if he could bring me and stay a bit longer, which they agreed to. So I thought we were over our difficulties and had another year ahead of us at least to work through the problems I could sense were still there.

But on January 29th this year, on a day of pouring rain, he again said we had no future and it was not ok for our intimate relationship to continue as he felt this was wrong and he didn't want to feel he was using me. He said we could be friends and he could still help me out with things he had promised to do, practical things. I was totally shocked, had not seen this coming. I said I did not want us to end. I tried to cut off from him completely and not be friends, took him off my Facebook etc. but there were so many questions, I ended up texting and emailing him and we met again, with no useful result for me. Over the next 3 months I cried every day and had to often call up Samaritans - not suicidal but hurting so much I could hardly put one foot in front of the other.

During this time we met up occasionally, but it was bitterly painful for me to see that he was still keeping me at arms length. Though sometimes we did cuddle and it was clear all the physical attraction was still there for us both. Once he stayed over and we made love.

Around April I began to think we were reviving our relationship, we got back as Facebook friends and slept together a couple of times more. He was very busy with training for 2 major judo veterans' events but he agreed we could meet up after that and talk. Which I took to be holding out hopes of talking things through and re-starting our relationship. I stopped crying and got more constructive with my life, moving to a better place - a room in a nice shared house slightly nearer to where he lives but still distant enough so as not to be 'crowding' him, and took up some new activities. I had maintained my paid freelance research work all this time though struggling to cope when I felt low. I managed heaps better because of a sliver of hope. He helped me with a car boot sale to get rid of possessions I had no room to store.

His contests over for the summer period, we met last week, as he was planning to help me work on a house I own in a town a long distance away, which has tenants, but needs a lot of renovation. He was meeting me to plan this trip and what we would need to do. I on the other hand hoped we could have a lovely day together, go to bed together, and rediscover what we had lost. But no, he would not come to my room as he said we would only end up in bed and he had decided this should not happen, that we would be better off as simply good friends. So I was back to square one, and have been back to crying every day. He still wants to take me to my house - a couple hundred miles away - to do the renovation work. Again I tried to cut off contact then got back in touch with him, writing down the things I had hoped to discuss when we met. I wanted to say that I understand the ways in which I have hurt and alienated him and would never do those again, and that I still long for us to be together and happy like we were.

I've said to him in a brief phone call that I don't know how I can go with him and be close to him working on my house, staying there in one of the rooms of the house together but not being able to kiss and cuddle. I said it would be torment for me. I've said that I totally appreciate his generosity in offering to do this, but I don't see how I would cope.

He was supposed to get back to me about this, but hasn't, and now I've realised my work deadlines have slipped due to my distress and I don't have time to go in July anyhow. I've asked if we could put it back to August, but that I stll need to discuss how this could work given how I feel.

I just so want him to see that if he is still so attracted to me that he could not come back to my room last week without us making love, and if he still cares enough to be helping me out, we could cancel the breakup and be happy again and plan a future. I know that this sounds unrealistic given what he has said, that we have no future and he thinks we are incompatible, but I love him so much I am in constant heartache and my guts ache 24/7. I am sure we could both learn from what went wrong, but I am willing to do the changing since it is me who wants him back. I understand that given his personality he likes things to be simple and uncomplex and that I complicated his life, and he couldn't cope with that. I do think I was still learning and growing after my 18 year dysfunctional previous relationship but now see how to be with him and we could work it out and it could be ok. If only he would give me another chance. We were so strong together and so loving and had such lovely times and commitment to each other.

Everyone has said that I just have to let go and accept it as it is and I am trying, but I am in such pain.

[kayc]

While it is true that you do have to accept his decision as you can't force someone to change their mind, still it is hard to accept, I know, and in the meantime, it hurts like the dickens.

It sounds like he has a fairy tale view of how things should be and is unable to accept things in reality. Everyone has things they have to work on, that's part of having a relationship. Jim tended to be that way too, thought the least little thing meant it wasn't working, etc. Can you imagine how exhausting life would be with such a person? Always having to convince them that it was good, always doing the trying. I don't think a relationship is meant to be that way. Both need to try, both need to realize how important the other is and care enough to make it work...it can't work one sided. I don't mean to imply that he didn't contribute, but rather that he wasn't willing to compromise or change and the fact that he didn't value you enough to try shows me he isn't "the one" for you. Everyone deserves better than that, better than to have their heart broken.

The pain does take time to heal. I don't know any way but straight through it, letting the tears fall, but determining to get over the person. Remove any "things" that remind you of him. Cut off contact...perhaps after a year or so you could be friends, but you need to give yourself time and space to heal first. Put yourself first, reconnect with friends and family, hobbies, take a class you have always wanted to take, get counseling if need be to help give you a road map to getting over him and life's disappointments. There is nothing wrong with your independence, in fact, nothing wrong with YOU! The "right one" would appreciate every little thing about you and admire you for it.

[Louisajane]

Thanks Kayc I am glad I have found this forum with people experiencing similar things. I live in the UK and I haven't found anything like this. Friends have mentioned groups for 'co-dependency' and 'love addiction' but I am not willing to treat myself as someone with a problem of loving too much. I just gave my heart completely which I think is what you do when you love someone and now he has broken it and walked away and how could I not be distraught, it is normal.

I just contacted him again saying that I am sorry to have to refuse his help with renovating my house in July, that I do appreciate him being willing to give me this time, and I do need help with the house, but what I need most is for him to hold me as I feel alone and homeless like a lost child. I said that my work is about the mental wellbeing of others but I am losing my own mental wellness as his love was what made me happy and life worth living. I just wanted him to know this but maybe that should be the end, full stop.

Maybe I really could start to feel better if I stuck to no contact - without actually telling him not to contact me but not responding if he does. I already cut off Facebook contact. Something needs to happen, from within me, to stop this constant pain of longing.

[Helena_d9]

Hello Louisajane, i'm so sorry that you are in a situation that means you are on here. I live in the UK too and i know how helpful this place was for me!

Maybe I really could start to feel better if I stuck to no contact - without actually telling him not to contact me but not responding if he does. I already cut off Facebook contact. Something needs to happen, from within me, to stop this constant pain of longing.

The trouble with the above sentence is that understandably you don't want to cut ties and you aren't going 'no contact' by doing this. You are holding on to the hope that he'll get in touch and every time he does i think it prolongs the pain - trust me i know! You've done the right thing in not letting him help you with the new house but i think you now need space and time away from him properly and fully. He sounds like someone who doesn't know what he wants and don't you deserve someone who knows that you are what they want?

x

[kayc]

I agree, and I think no contact is in order until you are over this pain and can think clearly without bias. I would not want someone who made me feel like I had to change who I was or like I wasn't "right" the way I was! You don't need him to complete you or make you happy but you do need to realize you can have a good life without him.

[Pollara]

You know no contact in the end is a win or win situation. Although it is difficult at that time to think that you will be happy with someone else or by yourself it happens. It is win because:

a. you will forget him and you will feel better and you will be happy maybe with someone else (Win)

b. he might realize that you are the one that he wants to be together with (Win)

c, you might be happy with someone else when he will return (Win)

[kayc]

It's unlikely we forget, but the emotional pain gradually diminishes away. It's good when you realize he can pop in your mind without longing or pain!