Louisajane Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 I know my story is not unusual but I am 64 and I had two long relationships - a marriage of 17 years - which I chose to leave as I felt we had grown apart and seemed to have nothing to say to each other anymore - breaking my husband's heart. I now really know what he went through - then an 18 year relationship with very articulate man who turned out to be cold and emotionally abusive. Again it was my choice to leave, I don't think he had a heart to break. I took a couple of years to get over the aftermath, hoping this time as a mature person to make the right choice and find the 'one' for what was left of my life. I found 'Sam' through online dating. He is very fit and competes internationally as a judo veteran as well as being a fantastically skilled sports therapist, a lot of fun, kind and warm-hearted and willing to help with anything I needed, e.g fixing things, putting up shelves etc. It was wonderful. There were problems, he is so very focused, as he needs to be to win at judo and do so well at everything he does. But this can make him snappy and cold when working, and I felt I had to cope with being snapped at and not question him about anything where he was the 'expert'. I would sometimes feel clumsy and in the way. But the good parts of the relationship were so very good that I never thought of us breaking up. He loved me so much, and I loved him, as a person and as an intimate partner. We didn't live together as he had caring responsiblity for his mum in one town and I lived 20 miles away in another town where I keep an eye on my elderly aunt. I believed we would live together when only one of us had caring responsibilties and we talked about this though did not makie promises. Then last year (our second year seeing each other) we had a few difficulties. One time when he was helping me move house, he got mad and shouted at me and I shouted back that he shouldn't speak to me that way. He felt he was trying to protect me from injuring myself lifting something, I said I hadn't hurt myself and had to do this kind of thing when he wasn't around. We got through that day, but a few days later he said he thought we had no future together and should break up. I cried my heart out and in the end we didn;t break up. Then a few weeks later, he went away to an international sporting event as a sports therapist. Just before he went I got into a problem with my accommodation and needed to move again...I didn't want to burden him with this when he was about to set off for this event, and I'd already said goodbye to him for the 2 weeks he would be gone. He was very upset when he got back that I had not told him, and had made decisions he thought I should have checked out with him etc, and though I tried to explain my reasons it did not assuage his hurt. I should have just apologised not got defensive I now realise. I didn't take into account that his caring for me included feeling it was his role to look after and protect me,and I tried to be independent, thinking he would prefer me not to burden him when he was so busy and would not have time to help. He said in fact he would have been able to get back in between things and help out. We got through the rest of last year, and in December he went to do sports therapy at an event abroad, and came back saying they had asked him to return next year and he had asked if he could bring me and stay a bit longer, which they agreed to. So I thought we were over our difficulties and had another year ahead of us at least to work through the problems I could sense were still there. But on January 29th this year, on a day of pouring rain, he again said we had no future and it was not ok for our intimate relationship to continue as he felt this was wrong and he didn't want to feel he was using me. He said we could be friends and he could still help me out with things he had promised to do, practical things. I was totally shocked, had not seen this coming. I said I did not want us to end. I tried to cut off from him completely and not be friends, took him off my Facebook etc. but there were so many questions, I ended up texting and emailing him and we met again, with no useful result for me. Over the next 3 months I cried every day and had to often call up Samaritans - not suicidal but hurting so much I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. During this time we met up occasionally, but it was bitterly painful for me to see that he was still keeping me at arms length. Though sometimes we did cuddle and it was clear all the physical attraction was still there for us both. Once he stayed over and we made love. Around April I began to think we were reviving our relationship, we got back as Facebook friends and slept together a couple of times more. He was very busy with training for 2 major judo veterans' events but he agreed we could meet up after that and talk. Which I took to be holding out hopes of talking things through and re-starting our relationship. I stopped crying and got more constructive with my life, moving to a better place - a room in a nice shared house slightly nearer to where he lives but still distant enough so as not to be 'crowding' him, and took up some new activities. I had maintained my paid freelance research work all this time though struggling to cope when I felt low. I managed heaps better because of a sliver of hope. He helped me with a car boot sale to get rid of possessions I had no room to store. His contests over for the summer period, we met last week, as he was planning to help me work on a house I own in a town a long distance away, which has tenants, but needs a lot of renovation. He was meeting me to plan this trip and what we would need to do. I on the other hand hoped we could have a lovely day together, go to bed together, and rediscover what we had lost. But no, he would not come to my room as he said we would only end up in bed and he had decided this should not happen, that we would be better off as simply good friends. So I was back to square one, and have been back to crying every day. He still wants to take me to my house - a couple hundred miles away - to do the renovation work. Again I tried to cut off contact then got back in touch with him, writing down the things I had hoped to discuss when we met. I wanted to say that I understand the ways in which I have hurt and alienated him and would never do those again, and that I still long for us to be together and happy like we were. I've said to him in a brief phone call that I don't know how I can go with him and be close to him working on my house, staying there in one of the rooms of the house together but not being able to kiss and cuddle. I said it would be torment for me. I've said that I totally appreciate his generosity in offering to do this, but I don't see how I would cope. He was supposed to get back to me about this, but hasn't, and now I've realised my work deadlines have slipped due to my distress and I don't have time to go in July anyhow. I've asked if we could put it back to August, but that I stll need to discuss how this could work given how I feel. I just so want him to see that if he is still so attracted to me that he could not come back to my room last week without us making love, and if he still cares enough to be helping me out, we could cancel the breakup and be happy again and plan a future. I know that this sounds unrealistic given what he has said, that we have no future and he thinks we are incompatible, but I love him so much I am in constant heartache and my guts ache 24/7. I am sure we could both learn from what went wrong, but I am willing to do the changing since it is me who wants him back. I understand that given his personality he likes things to be simple and uncomplex and that I complicated his life, and he couldn't cope with that. I do think I was still learning and growing after my 18 year dysfunctional previous relationship but now see how to be with him and we could work it out and it could be ok. If only he would give me another chance. We were so strong together and so loving and had such lovely times and commitment to each other. Everyone has said that I just have to let go and accept it as it is and I am trying, but I am in such pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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