Lost My Mom And Brother

[DeftSound]

Hi,

I joined this site a month or so ago and forgot about it. Now that ive remembered i think id just like to share my own expierence with grief. I am an 18 year old adult currently a student at a&m here in texas. I couldnt find any other way and im sure he is a very busy man. A while back someone gave me the book cross and the switchblade and i neglected it for a long time. When i finally picked it up it was about 3 months later, I cant say why i did but i did. I cryed when i read it. For some reason i felt like god was telling me every word i read. I grew up in a christian family my entire life. We went to church every week and i was raised in a very christian influenced way of life. However i never 'felt' god was ever there. I never really rebelled i just never really felt that god was there for me. I guess ive just been confused all my life about god. My mom had depression all her life and i remember growing up how there was always a dark shadow over our house because we were all so worried about my mom all the time. I remember coming home from school sometimes and seeing her staring at the wall with tears in her eyes because she was so depressed. Or when id tell her i loved her she would burst into tears and tell me how much she loved me too. She was the most strong christain i have ever met. She was the most unselfish person i have ever met as well. I loved my mom so much. However 2 months before i graduated high school she commited suicide. I found her. This was the begining of a change i have not quite come to grip. Before i go any further let me tell you about my brother. He grew up being bipolar and he struggled his entire life with his social skills and with drugs. Me and him were close. I remember thinking through my entire life that all i wanted was to see him happy, and successful. Unfortunately he was struggling and he never was successful at anything he did. He attempted suicide multiple times and it seemed like he was the focal point of the stress around our house. No one has any idea how it is to see your own brother deteriate and crumble from start to finish in front of your own eyes. One time when i drove him to his broke down car so he could get his things i saw him pull a garden hose out of the trunk of his car and throw it in a garbage can. I asked him what it was and he said in a pathetic lie that it was his girlfriends. I wasent stupid, i knew he was going to use it for killing himself. Later he admitted this to me and promised he wouldnt kill himself to me. A month after my mom died and a month before i was to graduate i was getting high at a friends house. At the time my brother was at my grandparents house visiting and getting 'help' from a few counselors my grandparents knew. I remember while i was high i had a vision of my brother killing himself while he was at my grandparents house and of my dad calling me to tell me this. As i was driving home that night as soon as i was pulling into my driveway my dad called me and told me that my brother was dead. He put a plastic bag over his head and suffocated himself. I cant say that my life has been hard, not compared to other people in this world. But i can say that ive had a mentally exhausting life and my life has been full of hurt and ive seen and been through things most people will never come to grips with. But im not here to ask for sympathy. As i said earlier i never really felt god. Not the way i hear of people in books and at church. Ive never felt the joy of the lord in me. I have tryed so desperately. I have prayed i have invited jesus into my heart god knows how many times and ive never felt anything. I feel like im still at square one with my religion. I want so bad to have the same life changing expierence that some of the boys in the book cross and switchblade had. I just dont understand it. I have by no means lived the way a christain should. Ive done drugs and I drink more then i should. I want to change but sometimes i just hurt so bad and i get mad at god and i feel like drinking. Im not an alcoholic but im sure if i had access to alcohol more then i have now i would drink more then i do now. I used to smoke but i recently quit. I dont know what to do. I guess im doing something wrong or not praying enough or something. But i want to feel joy and happiness. Im tired of feeling the sadness and guilt in the back of my mind. I want god but i feel as if hes not doing anything to grab my attention or make me feel good. Much the same way he wouldnt help my mom not be depressed no matter how much she prayed. Frankly sometimes i just dont think god exists. Then i read the cross and the switchblade and it made me think twice about a lot of things. I just dont know what to do. I want faith. Its been almost 6 months now since my mom commited suicide and im halfway done with my first semester of college. Im doing good in school. Im not seeking your sympathy. Infact im damn sick of peoples sympathy. I just wanted to share my story with you guys.

- John

[bobsgal]

DeftSound,

I am sorry to hear of your recent losses. It's alot to carry on those 18 year old shoulders. I am glad you decided to write to the group, a good first step in pain management. You speak of searching for your spirituality, of having a change in your life. A site that might interest you is www.spirituality.com if you want to give it a look. You are not alone on your journey. They have some discussion groups dealing with many of the questions you raised in your post. Here is a link to one such discussion. Spirituality Unplugged - lost

Take good care DeftSound, you are being thought of with much love tonight,

Blessings,

Lynda(bobsgal)

[Hans]

DeftSound,

Ok, I know you don't want sympathy but you deserve to give yourself some. We all feel loss at different levels and we process loss in different ways. You are quite pissed off, and you have a right to be. I hope you are going easy on the dope because while it might feel like a good thing to do, it isn't. Based on the nice reply you wrote my posting, I can say that you are very strong and just need to find your way. It takes time, and the fact that you are getting good grades is very positive. That college degree is important, make it a priority even when everything else feels like crumbling around you.

Since you are a Christian, I can say that I'm Catholic but I don't have much use for church. However, I am reading "Letting go of the person you used to be", by Lama Surya Das. It is a book on Buddhism and dealing with the suffering in this world. It has helped me change my perspective on loss and grief. You should read it and let me know what you think. I think it will give you some hope on how to go about your life from here.

[DeftSound]

Hey,

just to respond to the latest reply, no i dont smoke 'dope' anymore. Im actually in the corp at a&m so i couldnt do that even if i wanted to. By saying i did drugs i meant i have done it in the past. Not anymore. However I wont say i dont drink or have drank. As far as the book goes ill have to check it out. Things are actually going pretty good right now. As far as religion is concerned im still trying to find it. I just cant justify trying to become a better person when i find it so hard to give up things that would make any christian ashamed of themselves. I feel as if im contradicting myself a lot when i try to make any step towards christ. Maybe thats just the guilt that i need to get over. Im trying though.

- john