I Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole

[KarenK]

I thank each of you for your thoughts and completely understand what you mean. I would not be an asset to anyone's organization at the moment. When I reach that point where I can say "I lost my husband" without breaking down and feeling the need to communicate each horrible detail, I will be ready to offer my sevices. It would be a disservice, otherwise and not helping anyone. But it does give me a goal for the future.

For right now, I guess I just want to try and get back to some facet of normalcy. Sitting and staring at these walls is not it. Getting out of the house and learning to be alone is my first step. Believe it or not, I do understand the ramifications of Ron's death, personally, financially, & otherwise. I have only myself to depend on, now. He always worried about leaving me alone. I told him that I would be alright, and I truly will.

Off to the thrift store to donate, now.

Karen

[kayc]

It took me a while...at first I couldn't even get my own groceries, because that was something George and I had done together and I couldn't bear to do it without him. I had to muster going to church alone, that was hard. Eventually I practiced going out to eat alone, etc. It was hard at first, now I can enjoy it.

[Guest babylady]

Thank you, Arlene, for your warm welcome. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I was in no way prepared for Ron's loss, but I suppose, in my heart, I knew it was coming. After reading the treatment info. on H&N cancer, I think we both knew his body could not withstand the treatments, especially after having gone through so many medical nightmares beforehand.

For now, I suppose I remain in the numbness/anger stage of it all. I rarely cry. There is no one to hear and no one to get an encouraging hug from.

I'm also sorry about your health problems. I know that being alone when not feeling well just makes it worse because the person who always comforted you is not nearby.

You mentioned on another post that you had lost your Mom after she had gotten Dementia. I too, "lost " my Mom in 2000 when she had a massive stroke. After the stroke, she was mobile, but fragile and had lost her ability to communicate. She could no longer read, write, or speak without gibberish. On rare occasions, it was as if a tiny light bulb came on and she would put three or four words together. This was a woman who had been the secretary to a U.S. Congressman. It was so very sad and it must have been hell on earth for her. She could never return home from the hospital & I had to place her in a beautiful care home in north Phoenix, where she lived until her death in 2006. It haunts me to remember her as I left each visit with her forlornly standing there saying "I go with you?" and my not being able to explain that I had to go to work. Or the weekends when I would bring her here, and she would sit in the kitchen with tears and say "I tupid". There was no way for me to let her know that she wasn't stupid, but that she had a stroke. I cannot imagine the mental angiush she must have endured all those years.

Although Ron's death is devastating to me, I suppose I must be gratelful that he did not suffer the long, agonizing mental pain I'm sure she had combined with the agonizing physical pain he was suffering. His greatest fear was to die in agony as his father(with cancer) had many years ago or to die insane connected to life support as his mother did after falling and becoming an instant quadruplegic. Ron had seen enough and been through enough in his lifetime and maybe his "God" understood and spared him that.

I try very hard to accept whatever comes my way. I do not expect much from life. I have simply learned that happiness to any extent is not part of my agenda and I take it from there.

Karen

are we ever prepared? i found out on 4/10/12 that john was dying. that was the last time he was ever in this house. the neurosurgeon said he had a few weeks, but he lasted almost 8 weeks. he went from hospice to assisted living and back to hospice where he died. i wasn't there -- missed it by 20 minutes. i got in bed with his dead body. he was still warm.

fortunately he didn't suffer. yes. he had memory problems, but he always knew who i was and told me every day that he loved me. he recognized his co-workers too. most times he didn't make much sense when he talked but other times he did. he knew he was dying. his sister came out from NY when he first went into hospice and before she left he said "i'm dying, but arlene doesn't know it". she didn't tell me this until after he passed.

it was sad to watch my mom. she was an intelligent woman too.

we go through these stages. one day i cried for 10 hours. i still cry alot. sometimes i don't even realize it until i feel the tears running down my face.

i don't post here as much as i should. sometimes i don't know what to say. i can't say it will get better because that hasn't happened with me yet.

arlene

[KarenK]

Arlene,

My heart broke for you as I read your words. No, I don't think we are ever prepared, unless we happen to be a person who deals with death on a daily basis. I was with Ron in his final moments and was told what to expect, but it was only shock and disbelief that registered. He did not know that any of us were nearby as he lost consciousness long before he slipped away.

In this arena, I don't think it matters that you don't know exactly what to say. Just say something, anything to let someone else know that you are hurting or want to share something that is in your heart. That is what I do.

Who is to judge what degree of "better" we are? Am I better than I was the first month? Probably. I know I am different. I wish I had an answer for you.

I completed my mission to the thrift shop with my donations, and being a woman, had to go inside to look around. They had quite nice things, much nicer & cleaner than other "thrift stores". I ended up buying a like new Southwestern style sofa for very little money to replace my broken down one. My son met me there to check it out and in the process, he bought one also. I managed to get both sofas to each of our homes shortly before the impending rainstorm hit. I finished the rest of my errands in a downpour, but I'm not afraid of a little rain. Got my meds for my jaw infection and books and movies from the library, so my week is going pretty good, so far.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Karen

[enna]

I hear that the new thrift shop is a very nice place. I'm so glad they opened and are now available to people around the area. I will have to visit it.

You are in my thoughts as you begin your journey. There will be both good and not so good days. I did have many more of the not so good days those first months after Jim died. Today it is better. Today I am learning to accept my 'new' normal one day at a time.

I am glad to see you back on the forum, Arlene. Here we are - three people from the Phoenix area brought together in our grief journeys. We will continue to receive the strength from each other as we share our stories. Ane

[kayc]

Karen,

I loved that! (and being a woman, had to go inside to look around) I'm glad you and your son found new sofas and at a good price! Isn't it funny how sometimes we start out to bless someone else and end up blessed ourselves?!

[Guest babylady]

karen --- thank you for your kind words. i didn't get any rain. i'm just south of anthem. same thing the night before -- no rain. i like the rain, but i always fear that the power will go out. even when john was with me i'd freak when it happened. i've been considering a whole house generator for years, but i'm terrified of having propane on my property. my house is fully electric -- even the well and septic. because i'm up high i have amazing views when we do have lightening. it's hard to say "i" when for almost 42 years i said "we". it was weird too when i changed my marital status on facebook to widow.

it's great that you found things at the thrift shop. i donated all john's clothing to st. vincent services. when my mom passed i donated all her belongs to them too. it's time for me to go through my clothes and get some things ready for them.

as anne said here we are -- 3 women in the phoenix area giving each other strength.

i'll try to post more often.

hugs to everyone.

arlene

[KATPILOT]

Hugs to you too Arlene and Karen. Please feel welcome to spill it all out here. That's what we are here for. If I remeber correctly,Fae describes how we are a tribe. We sit around the fire and help each other - some who have years under their belt and some just entering this horrible grief. All are welcome and the old hands gladly help the new.

I was lucky that Hospice had a White Dove location very close to my home. Between Kathy and my dad, I moved a lot of stuff over there. Kathy had a method when buying clothes. If she found one that she loved, she often bought two in case she ever got a stain. Does that sound familiar to anyone?

I still kept a lot of things that were special to me. Next to her wedding dress, hangs the dress she was wearing when I met her.

Now that's worth saving.

Don't worry about the rain.......it will come and soon. If it doesn't, let me know and I'll wash my car and leave it outside. I miss Mindy too. When the thunder struck. she was always on top of my head. If she could talk, she would have been saying "save me dad"

By the way, I started a thread "what have you done for yourself today, this week, this month". I learned early on that it is very important to think about yourself once in a while. I know it's hard but you have to keep yourself going or grief will destroy you. That is something our husbands and wives would never want. You know that don't you?

Stephen

[KarenK]

Stephen,

Thank you joining my post. I'm so sorry that you lost your angel. I was touched by your comments in your profile. I see also that you are in my area. I have been here for a very long time, since it was a "one horse town".

I smiled at your comment about buying duplicate items. I am not a "clothes horse", except for boots. Don't let me loose in a Western store. LOL

When my son & I began our "cleanup", we found so many duplicates of wrench sets, hand tools, powers tools, etc., four or more apiece, a lot of them new in boxes. Ron also thought that duplicates were a necessity. I know that some men feel real pride of ownership in their tools, probably as some women feel about their jewelry.

I've removed things from our vacation home in case it becomes necessary to sell it. I'm not yet ready to part with all the personal things here. Selling that place will be another heartbreak as it was our escape. Strangely enough, this old house holds no special meaning for me, only memories of the man I loved, and they are in my heart.

Karen

[mfh]

Karen, I have entire tool shop/wood working shop in the basement...and I know there are many hammers, screwdrivers of every size and shape and more. Many many duplicates...some antique tools...I have not yet figured out what to do with all of it. Table saws, miter box, drilll press, grinder, on and on and on....Someday I will deal with it. But Bill took great pride in his tool. They were like a painter's brushes...I can't have too many nor can I have too many tubes of paint.

Have you thought of living in the vacation home? Or is that impossible? Just a thought...it seems to have more meaning to you...and it is way way way way too early to decide those things...I do know that...

I agree, Karen, we carry those memories in our hearts wherever we are.

[Guest babylady]

katpilot -- well said -- we are like a tribe. i can relate to buying 2 of everything. i have about 20 pairs of birkenstocks in different colors. if i find something i like i buy more. i wear a lot of gauze clothing. there's 1 particular style i like and i have about 8-10 pairs of pants in different colors.

the only thing i kept of john's were the clothes he wore when he went back to the hospital. it was red plaid pajama bottoms and a red long sleeve t- shirt from old navy. i also kept one shirt which he had worn, but was not dirty. the sleeves were rolled. it looked like he had just slipped it on to run to the store. i used to wear it when i was feeling really down and actually wore it out over a tank top a few times. it took a long time for me to finally wash it.

it finally rained a few hours ago. we had a soaking downpour for about 45 minutes. when it stopped i went outside to throw out the garbage and it was beautiful. it was cool and it smelled so nice. i love the smell of the creosote bushes after the rain.

[KATPILOT]

Yes I still keep a shirt of my dads in my closet. and a hat.

I did keep some of his tools and when I hold them in my hand, I feel the warmth knowing he had touched them so many times. The one thing that will always be special to me will be the flight computer (like a slide rule) that he had used when flying bombers in WWII. I have been flying since I was very young and always kept and used it when I flew. It said U S Army Air Forces on it. It now resides with my oldest son who is a pilot as well. I know he will always cherish it.

I too love that smell. Having been born in Arizona, it is something you just can't enjoy everywhere.

I still put on Kathy's robe once in a while, but the smell left long ago. I finally washed it and hung it back up.

Things will change in time, but memories will last forever.

Stephen

[KATPILOT]

Karen,

Here's hoping you will find a way to keep the home.

I had to sell the condo we had built in Calgary to be close to Kathy's parents in their declining years. It was special because of the joy we had in decorating it. Kathy just lit up every time we found just the right item. When I went back up for her parents funerals, I drove by it and the emotions were so overwhelming. I will never return. I guess it is easier for me since we were only able to live in it for three months. It was after it was built and we moved in that Kathy felt that lump in her thigh. Four months later, she was gone.

I would think that your time in that vacation home was longer and the memories much thicker.

My best hopes for you.

Oh, and Mary, I bet if I told you that I destroy at least one paint brush a month you would cringe. I restore artwork and frames at work and often just forget to clean em.

I know, I'm bad

Stephen

[mfh]

Stephen, yes, you are very bad....clean the brushes. Do you use sable?...If so that is a pricey "bad" habit you have. I have some pricey brushes and I have cheap ones and I have junkers that I use for mask and sometimes toss out when done. But those sable brushes get good care

I understand about not returning to certain places. Bill and I use to go to Door County every summer or fall and the thought of going up there is too much for me. Same is true of our old house on 67 acres. I know the new owners but I can not return even though I am welcome to walk the paths anytime. It is tough...some memories just need to remain memories I think. You can't go back to some places...

Mary

[kayc]

I kept George's robe and once in a while I feel the need to wrap myself in it. I remember how I cried the day I discovered his scent was completely gone.

[KATPILOT]

I remeber that day too kayc. Even her perfume can never smell the same now that it is not on her skin.............. not even close.

Yes Mary I'm bad. Not the most expensive brushes but I can't afford to have hairs come out when I paint either.

E'tienne

[mfh]

Yes Mary I'm bad. Not the most expensive brushes but I can't afford to have hairs come out when I paint either.

E'tienne

I am blocking the brand I use but I watch the sales. I like that they do not lose hairs, they hold their points, and they hold more paint....AND I CLEAN THEM EVERY TIME...

[Guest babylady]

it took 9 months after john passed for me to eat in a restaurant by myself. it was the cracker barrel where i was anonymous. about 5 weeks ago i finally went to the chinese restaurant where john and i ate several times a week. i was crying as i drove there and of course when i got there both owners were glad to see me. i couldn't stop crying. they said "john would want you to go on". of course i know that -- people say it all the time -- easier said than done. i've been back several times -- the waitress said "why don't you travel"? i can't even walk the length of my driveway without back pain -- how the heck am i going to travel? even if i could i don't have the desire and i would never leave my cat monkey with a sitter. he's always been attached to me and he is even more now. even though he's my cat i know he misses john. he's 12-1/2 and has kidney disease. actually the vet is coming to the house monday to check him out. i can't imagine losing him too.

[enna]

Hi Arlene,

Wow! To go to the Chinese place that you and John used to frequent is great. If you remember when we were first communicating and I told you about how I couldn't even go out on the patio for months. Well, I finally did and I do now. That was a major step for me. Funny how those little things mean so much to us. I have a garage full of tools that I have no idea what they even are - someday I'll attend to them! Clothing is hard for me to attend to, also. I still have some of Jim's things in drawers and hanging. Most of Jim's things I did give to groups here in our area.

Are you still getting treatment for your back? Can they alleviate the pain? Grieving is tough enough without having all these secondary loses.

Well, I now know of six of us who are on this forum who live in the Phoenix area - we almost have our mini-support group right here. All we need is an excellent bereavement counselor to be our moderator and we'd be all set to go. I know of a few very good ones. Anne

[Guest babylady]

i'm planning on going to the chinese restaurant tomorrow. of course i never know how i'm going to feel until i'm up for awhile.

howie is my massage therapist. i think i've talked about him. when john got sick howie became my best friend. he does therapeutic massage and he's helped me a lot. i've been seeing him for about 4 years. between the massage and vicodin i'm able to manage. if i bend over i have a problem. also i can't walk too far. our neighborhood fry's has a furniture department and many times when i'm food shopping i have to sit down in one of their chairs. i do see a pain doc. had 6 epidurals which didn't work. i worry about addiction, but my pain doc isn't concerned. he said my dose isn't that high. most days i don't have to take the full dose that's prescribed. my granddaughter said "so what if you're addicted -- you're almost 72 years old -- does it really matter"? i've been on sleep meds for over 20 years. i am addicted to them, but have been trying to cut back on those too. a few years ago my naturapathic doc prescribed medical marijuana. OMG. it had the opposite effect. the pain became worse. my bp went up to 156 and i didn't get to sleep till 4 am. i had hoped that if it didn't help with the pain it would work for the sleep.

i have a lot of tools too. john did stained glass as a hobby. howie has a client who does stained glass and she cut the glass into pieces and we donated that to a stained glass place. howie wants me to keep the tools so he can make minor repairs to the house.

[kayc]

I don't remember eating out with George, I'm sure we did on occasion, but mostly we ate in, he loved my cooking and he was so fun to cook for, he loved and appreciated everything!

I do go out alone and sometimes with friends. If alone, it helps to bring something to read.

[KarenK]

We used to eat out frequently before Ron's cancer, but eating out alone is not really on my agenda. On my few excursions from the house, I have stopped by a few of our favorite restaurants and gotten take-out. There is just something about being alone in a restaurant that seems so sad to me.

Yes, Stephen, I have a long history with our mountain cabin. My parents built it in 1970. It is near Flagstaff and was never meant to be a year round place, no heat except the fireplace and can get pretty darn cold in the winter. It would require some major upgrades, including a garage, another bathroom & bedroom to be comfortable for my son, grandson, & me full time. Realistically, I know I could not live there alone, as much as I want to. The easy solution to some of my financial problems would just be to sell it, but I do not give up easily. My son is planning to sell his place and move into my "underwater" home here with me, while purchasing the cabin from me. That way we can keep it in the family. All of this is dependent on him finding employment, which, being a recent graduate has not happened yet, so Mom is kind of supporting all three places right now. It was always supposed to be his anyway. That's the best plan I can come up with right now, but have learned situations can change in a heartbeat, as we all know.

I seem to be getting a little more tired each day, even with a bit of sleep. A lot of it is just mentally tired, trying to figure out how to survive. I just don't seem to be able to get going. I think about going to the mall & then I think "What for?". It's not like I need to buy anything and just a waste of gas. I've only been to the cemetery once on Father's Day to place flowers on Ron's & my Father's grave. It is especially hard to face that tiny plastic marker, not knowing when I will ever be able to place a proper one. I cannot think of Ron being there beside my parents. I like to think of him riding through Monument Valley with his buddy John Wayne, or asleep under a tree in the forest which he loved. He was the son of a W. Va. coal miner and became an aerospace welder. He even worked for NASA and some of his work sits on the moon, but he never lost his love of nature and the wilderness.

Here, I find myself rambling on again. It's just nice to have you all to talk to.

Karen

[Guest babylady]

we ate out a lot until a few years ago when john decided to lose weight. i had been on weight watchers years ago -- just to lose 10 lbs so i knew the plan and had him follow it. he lost 40 lbs. he started to eat mostly lean cuisine dinners and we would just go out once a week to eat. i used to eat out by myself all the time. for many years john traveled for work and i was alone. fortunately by the time my health started to decline he didn't have to travel anymore.

i can't remember the last time i was in a mall. i order just about everything i need on-line. i've got some really nice casual clothes and lots of silver jewelry. i used to look nice all the time. now i rarely put on makeup and i tend to wear the same clothes most of the time. i still have my nails done every 2 weeks and my hair gets colored every 3 weeks. last week i went out to dinner with howie and i dressed nice with jewelry and wore makeup. when i go out with howie or with howie and carolyn (his wife) i look over dressed. they dress extremely casual -- shorts -- t-shirts. i stopped wearing shorts when i hit 60.

i had john cremated. his ashes are in a marble urn sitting on a shelf in my living room.

i'm having a bad day. yesterday i was a bit more positive -- but today i'm just lying on the bed watching HGTV.

monkey is driving me crazy today. i don't know what he wants. he had me follow him into the guest room where john used to hang out and i layed on the bed with him for a while. i don't really like being in that room.

arlene

[KATPILOT]

Nice stories Karen. Ramble on all you want. It make a very nice read. I think it's great that you have a chance to keep it in the family. I just know it will work out. You sound fatigued and that's understandable.

I can tell you it is indeed a symptom of grieving. All things in time........... Kathy asked me to have her ashes combined with Mindy and then be in Kauai, her favorite place on earth. Of course that means we will all be together when that happens. You know Arlene, we have all fallen down this rabbit hole but given time, we will climb back out of it. One day you will find that you have more good days than bad.

Mary, I wanted to share a story about brushes. I had a friend who was a space artist among other things. He designed the first mission patch for the space shuttle crew as he was a big part of NASA since the Mercury program. For the last mission, NASA asked him to design that patch too. Of course he did and sent it off to them on a Thursday. He died of heart failure quite suddenly the next day at the age of 90. On that mission, they took several, of his brushes into space with them. After they returned, they brought them to his bride. How sweet is that? I still go over to her house once in a while and we have a glass of wine and remember our loved ones and talk about art.

I do promise to try harder cleaning my brushes.

Stephen

[mfh]

Stephen, that is an incredibly lovely story. And that you keep contact with her is also lovely.

How are YOU doing?

Mary